girlfriend likes doing drugs and it makes me uncomfortable - help?

[cecilymajors]

So I’ve been dating this girl for about 6 months now and I really like her and care for her a lot, she’s like the perfect match for me, except for one drawback.

Before covid and before we dated she had a history of going out to clubs with her friends (we both just turned 20 so, young, you know) and she liked to get wasted and do drugs with them. We were just casual friends back then so I knew she did it but months later we reconnected and starting dating and I was under the impression she didn’t like drugs and stuff anymore.

But recently shes told me of her plans to meet up with friends and do drugs (nothing extreme, just things like ecstasy/molly) but I don’t like to get wasted and I’m super uncomfortable with the idea of her going out with her friends and doing drugs and I certainly never want to try them myself.

 I know they seem harmless but every time it comes up my skin ***les and I feel super weird about it. I don’t want to be all insecure and hold her back from having fun, but I also fear that I should mention my discomfort somehow? Any advice? 

[Hollyj]

You knew she liked to do drugs, either you accept it, or move on.  You should not mention it.   

Dealbreaker for me.

[cecilymajors]

2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You knew she liked to do drugs, either you accept it, or move on.  You should not mention it.   

Dealbreaker for me.

No, I knew she did them in her past for fun. She hadn’t done them in a year and made it clear to me she moved on from it when we started dating, so like I said I was under the impression I wouldn’t have to worry about it. 

[SooSad33]

IMO, I don't find ecstasy 'nothing extreme' 😞  Here, marajuana is legal, but even that causes an effect.

Yes, she is young and she WILL continue on with her friends.. she is not yet wanting to stop all of that... and who knows, she may end up addicted to something.  This is how it is with drugs & alcohol.

So, what you can do, is admit you are not comfy with this, if she doesn't know already.. And yeah, she may say.. 'Oh' I promise I wont do it again, after this'... which will most likely be a lie.

So, your choice to accept this is her life right now & tolerate it.

[SooSad33]

1 minute ago, cecilymajors said:

She hadn’t done them in a year and made it clear to me she moved on from it when we started dating,

Obviously not.  She is young, she will keep living it up, as you can see.

[Seraphim]

I would move on. 

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, cecilymajors said:

No, I knew she did them in her past for fun. She hadn’t done them in a year and made it clear to me she moved on from it when we started dating, so like I said I was under the impression I wouldn’t have to worry about it. 

I used to drugs for "fun," too.  That means I still did drugs.   You have to decide if this is a deal breaker.   

Remember, we have been  in a pandemic, do you think that   she would  have continued if she had been able to party on a regular basis?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, cecilymajors said:

So I’ve been dating this girl for about 6 months

shes told me of her plans to meet up with friends and do drugs (nothing extreme, just things like ecstasy/molly) but I don’t like to get wasted and I’m super uncomfortable with the idea of her going out with her friends and doing drugs and I certainly never want to try them myself.

Unfortunately you can't tell anyone what to do with their bodies, as unwise as it is.

What you can do is observe this and after 24 weeks dating decide to cut your losses and date girls who don't do drugs... club drugs or any other drugs.

People who "get wasted" on drugs are a headache and heartache you don't need. You're smart not to fry your brain with that crap.

What she's taking is not harmless fun:

https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/mdma-ecstasymolly

[Rose Mosse]

You are already being insecure by being unsure of whether you can accept someone who does drugs so while this is not big huge deal calling it what it is is better than pretending to be something you are not. The drugs in your relationship with her or while dating her is putting a strain already and causing issues and you are uncomfortable because you don't agree with that lifestyle. This translates to your discomfort, unease etc. Don't side step this part because it's the root of why this probably won't work. 

Good for you for not doing drugs and not partaking. Hang out with other people who have the same priorities as you or interests. It's not worth the heartache.

I wouldn't bring this up with her unless you are prepared to have a heart to heart about drugs not being your scene. This might just sound annoying and patronizing to someone else who already knows that but doesn't care (it is her scene). It's up to you. I personally would walk away from this without overexplaining and be kind in the break up if she asks why. You can say that you are not looking to change anyone but you don't agree with the lifestyle. 

 

 

[indea08]

So I’m going to ask for some more information first...

What is it, exactly, about the drug use that most bothers you? The fact that it’s illegal? The possibility of her being unfaithful under the influence? Her safety? The people she’s doing these drugs with?

Do you have any experience at all with any substance other than alcohol? If you’ve experimented at all, was your experience positive or negative?

How is your relationship outside of this issue? Is she trustworthy? Accountable? Supportive? Loving? Understanding? Does she have goals for herself? Do your friends and family like her?

[reinventmyself]

3 hours ago, cecilymajors said:

So I’ve been dating this girl for about 6 months now and I really like her and care for her a lot, she’s like the perfect match for me, except for one drawback.

 We were just casual friends back then so I knew she did it but months later we reconnected and starting dating and I was under the impression she didn’t like drugs and stuff anymore.

 

 

What gave you the impression she didn't like it anymore?  Were you assuming?

You either decide this is dealbreaker or not.  I agree with others you can't control her nor should you try. But you can certainly tell her how you feel about it, but be ready to walk before you do. She might want to know this information.  

Isn't Ecstasy for the purpose of lowering your inhibitions?  Sexually and otherwise.  Yah, I would be concerned too.   

[smackie9]

Dealbreaker....dump her.

[cecilymajors]

On 2/18/2021 at 5:20 PM, indea08 said:

So I’m going to ask for some more information first...

What is it, exactly, about the drug use that most bothers you? The fact that it’s illegal? The possibility of her being unfaithful under the influence? Her safety? The people she’s doing these drugs with?

Do you have any experience at all with any substance other than alcohol? If you’ve experimented at all, was your experience positive or negative?

How is your relationship outside of this issue? Is she trustworthy? Accountable? Supportive? Loving? Understanding? Does she have goals for herself? Do your friends and family like her?

I’m not sure what bothers me so much. We’re just really young, I understand the consequences of even “club drugs for fun” and it just freaks me out a lot. When it’s even mentioned I feel sick to my stomach and so overwhelmed that it feels like a panic attack. They’re just scary to me and I can’t understand someone I care about so much just recklessly doing them. 

I do smoke weed only when I’m anxious or sick, but that’s all I’ve ever tried in my life. 

Outside of this issue everything else is perfect. 

[MissCanuck]

This would be a deal-breaker for me. 

And it would've been a deal-breaker for me at 20 years old, too. It would signal a major incompatibly on  a number of levels and I would not be able to proceed. 

[indea08]

1 hour ago, cecilymajors said:

I’m not sure what bothers me so much. We’re just really young, I understand the consequences of even “club drugs for fun” and it just freaks me out a lot. When it’s even mentioned I feel sick to my stomach and so overwhelmed that it feels like a panic attack. They’re just scary to me and I can’t understand someone I care about so much just recklessly doing them. 

I do smoke weed only when I’m anxious or sick, but that’s all I’ve ever tried in my life. 

Outside of this issue everything else is perfect. 

Okay, so based on what you’ve mentioned here, it really seems like maybe the best thing for you is to decide that these drugs are a deal breaker. I completely understand how hard that might be for you, given that everything outside of this issue is perfect. You just have to have the faith to trust that this isn’t the right relationship for you right now. Any relationship that dances the line between your moral right and wrong is not the one you will find your fulfillment and happiness from. It’s important to recognize the positives that pulled you to the relationship, and also recognize the things that make it fall short. You are now more aware and prepared for the next opportunity that may very well be your forever. You now have a more clear idea of what you want in a life partner, and what you don’t want. You’ve taken the lesson from your current situation, so move on with optimism for the next chapter. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, cecilymajors said:

 I feel sick to my stomach and so overwhelmed that it feels like a panic attack. 

Just cut your losses. This is a red flag and deal breaker, as it should be.

Don't bother convincing yourself everything else is perfect. The sex is good, but the drugs and clubbing negates that.

The sooner you end it the sooner you can find plenty of girls who aren't into clubbing, getting wasted or drugs.

[Lambert]

You can find someone else.  That's usually what it comes down to.  You have someone you like but they are not what you really are looking for in a mate.  You wonder if you can do better.... or will you end up alone.  

The thing is, drug use is a major compatibility factor.  If her actions are making you anxious and taxing your mental health, then you have to dump her.  It's very simple-- your health is the most important thing.   

You can do better.  No one is a part time drug user.  It's a risky behavior.  And as you said, youth is on your side.  But don't waste your youth.  Find someone that is on the same page as you in major areas-- mainly lifestyle and respect level.  When you boil it down to that, things become more clear.