Husband's porn use has crushed me

[CrushedWife]

I have been with my husband for 27 years. During our marriage I knew he was looking at porn once in a while, but I'm attractive and I had great self esteem so I didn't really care. He had reassured me it was a poor substitute for sex. I work in I.T. and unfortunately I had to work in a porn complaint department, and I've seen every horrid type of child porn and human trafficking cases you can imagine. This hardened my views on porn significantly. Please don't tell me its normal and healthy, because I still have nightmares 20 years later. Fast forward to ten years ago. My husband got obese and said he had E.D. sex dried up to near nothing. Nothing at all. Imagine my surprise in finding his porn searches a few months back. I have trust issues from a Narcissistic mother and two sexual assaults. I trusted him and he lied his ass off, manipulated me, and I feel the whole marriage was a lie. He has quit and wants to work things out. I have a huge sex drive and going without sex while he was looking at porn, crying myself to sleep from loneliness, etc. was absolutely heartbreaking. How does one get over this? I feel absolutely crushed. I feel hideously old and ugly. I've lost so much weight my mom is freaking out. My husband doesn't want to talk about it anymore and will just say he had a problem and corrected it. At least I am getting sex daily, but since I was the one who found tge porn and made him quit I feel like I am making him have sex. I know that's crazy, I still get hit on by men but that's how I feel. If I hadn't found out he never would have quit. How the hell am I supposed to go through life like nothing is wrong?

[Rose Mosse]

When you say loneliness, I'm thinking you are not just meaning sex. There's an emotional gap or rift between the both of you and you aren't as connected to each other. The trust is broken. Have you thought of marriage counselling together and individual therapy at the same time? You're resentful and angry which is understandable but for there to be any progress you have to uncover and heal all that resentment between the both of you, that broken trust. There's no way the relationship will improve without trust.

That job seems to have affected your outlook and psyche severely and I'm sorry you had to see those things.

Why jump to daily sex if the trust is broken? You can practice intimacy without engaging in sexual acts. I think you're using sex as validation to feel worthy and accepted in the marriage while also in the back of your mind battling unhealthy and toxic images of sex related to porn. Speak with someone who can help or understands whatever ptsd you've been through from that previous job. I'm very sorry this is happening. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, CrushedWife said:

I trusted him and he lied his ass off, manipulated me, and I feel the whole marriage was a lie. 

At least I am getting sex daily.

Sorry this happened. Does he have health issues? Was there an issue with ED or was that fabricated?

This isn't about porn, per se, it's about his lying and manipulating. It's about shutting you out from intimacy, sex and affection.

You can either go to marriage therapy or consider divorcing him if the trust is gone. Either way talk privately and confidentially with your own therapist first to unpack and sort things out.

[smackie9]

All this can be taken care of by professionals...there are therapists, marriage counselors and medical doctors to address all that you have posted.

[SooSad33]

56 minutes ago, CrushedWife said:

unfortunately I had to work in a porn complaint department, and I've seen every horrid type of child porn and human trafficking cases you can imagine. This hardened my views on porn significantly. Please don't tell me its normal and healthy, because I still have nightmares 20 years later

- Yes, fact, as Rose mentioned.. your inner self has hardened, due to all of this negative exposure.  You cannot see things right or acceptable anymore.

'porn' is just a 'thrill'.. and does usually 'bring a man' to excitement, and unless it over rules a couple's sex life, it should be accepted... Is good if a man is 'excited'.  He feels 'willing' to have some fun with his partner... I have an ex who had a huge amt of magazined & we'd watch the occasional porn- but that was fine, accepted & enhanced things sometimes.

He was involved with me - and was not living on it.

 

57 minutes ago, CrushedWife said:

sex dried up to near nothing. Nothing at all. Imagine my surprise in finding his porn searches a few months back. I have trust issues from a Narcissistic mother and two sexual assaults

- YOU have trust issue's, explaining your inner pains, still affecting you.

And this could be a BIG reason you are again feeling so down 😞 

58 minutes ago, CrushedWife said:

I was the one who found tge porn and made him quit I feel like I am making him have sex. I know that's crazy, I still get hit on by men but that's how I feel. If I hadn't found out he never would have quit.

- This should not be.  To be feeling you made him quit.

May be a few underlying issue's for why you two are at where you're at, at this time... But YOU are seeing it ALL as porn-related and internally despise it.

As mentioned.. I highly suggest you get in for some therapy- and get this dealt with.  You are feeling really low & internally struggling, where you've lost weight- anxiety?  😞 .. Been there, and I knew I HAD so seek some prof help.. I had things I knew I had to work through, for my own mental health.

[CrushedWife]

According to his porn searches he did not have ED that was fabricated. As I work in I.T. I did a complete forensic search of his computer in case he was having an affair.  He was on dating sites, flirting lightly on Facebook and other shady behavior also.  As for the daily sex, it started because it had been forever, and it just keeps going.  I do speak to a counselor every two weeks, but I don't find it therapeutic. He won't do counseling.

I guess I have to weigh the lies and deceit against the effort he is putting into the marriage now, and as I don't want to be married to a lying porn addict, he is going to have to prove that he can abstain also.

I guess I just wanted an opinion from someone who isn't in this situation. If you go to betrayal trauma groups, it's all gloom and doom about it being like heroine and no one recovers. If you go to scientific sites, they don't have a lot of data so I'm not even sure where they are getting that from. If you ask guys, they will defend porn to their last breath. I honestly don't know why you can't just rub one off without it. I did it for ten years.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, CrushedWife said:

 He was on dating sites, flirting lightly on Facebook and other shady behavior also.  

I guess I have to weigh the lies and deceit against the effort he is putting into the marriage now, and as

Keep in mind backsliding is quite common. Speak to your physician and get a referral to a better qualified psychologist.

Someone more objective and results oriented rather than someone who thinks porn is the main issue based on moral grounds.

The dating site thing seems even worse than the porn. Sadly the overall picture is someone who's checked out of the marriage, coasting along to avoid costly divorce and on "good behavior" until he finds more secretive ways to do deceitful, creepy crap behind your back.

 This is a pervasive problem of passive aggressive lying, withholding, manipulating etc.  This is someone who secretly hates you but makes nice to your face with "poor me" excuses.

Stop being the porn police. That is the least of your problems in this marriage. It's difficult to understand why you want sex with him. It binds you to a snake.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, CrushedWife said:

According to his porn searches he did not have ED that was fabricated. As I work in I.T. I did a complete forensic search of his computer in case he was having an affair.  He was on dating sites, flirting lightly on Facebook and other shady behavior also.  As for the daily sex, it started because it had been forever, and it just keeps going.  I do speak to a counselor every two weeks, but I don't find it therapeutic. He won't do counseling.

I guess I have to weigh the lies and deceit against the effort he is putting into the marriage now, and as I don't want to be married to a lying porn addict, he is going to have to prove that he can abstain also.

I guess I just wanted an opinion from someone who isn't in this situation. If you go to betrayal trauma groups, it's all gloom and doom about it being like heroine and no one recovers. If you go to scientific sites, they don't have a lot of data so I'm not even sure where they are getting that from. If you ask guys, they will defend porn to their last breath. I honestly don't know why you can't just rub one off without it. I did it for ten years.

 

Not my intention to minimize your pain with the porn issue but I think it's easier for you to blame the porn than it is to look at an unfaithful spouse square in the face and call him unfaithful.

He has devalued the marriage and undermined the promises you have both made to each other if he's flirting behind your back with others or on dating sites while married to you. 

I think you should be working through how to heal past this infidelity in your marriage but it takes two. Has he explained why he's not willing to go for counseling? 

 

 

[Snny]

“I had to work in a porn complaint department, and I've seen every horrid type of child porn and human trafficking cases you can imagine. This hardened my views on porn significantly. Please don't tell me its normal and healthy, because I still have nightmares 20 years later.”

So what exactly are you looking for here? The mentioned stuff is ILLEGAL - users possessing those should be prosecuted. But pornographic images between consenting adults is completely different. And if you have nightmares about viewing this material then you definitely should seek help. Personally I would snap if I was forced to watch something like those.

 

”He was on dating sites, flirting lightly on Facebook and other shady behavior also.”

if I ever caught my husband doing that online behind my back, I would file for divorce without hesitation. Going on dating sites? Hell no, That’s grounds for cheating. I had an ex boyfriend sign up for a dating website and was cheating (he tried to play the “I’m just curious” BS line too like the creep that he was).

I agree there’s a bigger problem than the porn. It does sound like your husband is looking for a way out and can’t say it to your face. If marriage counseling doesn’t work... either go to a different counselor or call it off. But for me, my husband cheating on me would be the final straw.

 

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, CrushedWife said:

According to his porn searches he did not have ED that was fabricated. As I work in I.T. I did a complete forensic search of his computer in case he was having an affair.  He was on dating sites, flirting lightly on Facebook and other shady behavior also.  As for the daily sex, it started because it had been forever, and it just keeps going.  I do speak to a counselor every two weeks, but I don't find it therapeutic. He won't do counseling.

I guess I have to weigh the lies and deceit against the effort he is putting into the marriage now, and as I don't want to be married to a lying porn addict, he is going to have to prove that he can abstain also.

I guess I just wanted an opinion from someone who isn't in this situation. If you go to betrayal trauma groups, it's all gloom and doom about it being like heroine and no one recovers. If you go to scientific sites, they don't have a lot of data so I'm not even sure where they are getting that from. If you ask guys, they will defend porn to their last breath. I honestly don't know why you can't just rub one off without it. I did it for ten years.

 

 

 

 

A lot of issues.  I would insist on couples counseling. 
 

a lot of lying, manipulation, and emotional cheating.  Can you move on from this?

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA

Not all men will defend porn with their last breath.  Like anything if it becomes an addiction (replaces important things in your life) it is a huge problem.  I can't tell you how many threads we see on this forum monthly where a woman is asking why her young bf/husband is not interested in sex like he used to be.  The answer is almost always porn.

Your husband after being caught just wants to say "Okay you caught me, no more porn and I will have sex with you so lets drop the whole thing"  He wants to avoid admitting to lying and making you feel undesirable all these years.  On top of that he got fat and lazy.  He isn't holding very good cards in my opinion.

I don't like ultimatums and what I am going to suggest isn't an outright one but you should be serious if you tell him this.  "I have made an appointment for us with a marriage counselor/therapist because I don't think OUR marriage will survive much longer without help"  "I want to work on getting back the trust and respect we used to have and that can't happen unless we BOTH take this seriously"  If he still will not go then go by yourself so you can figure out what you want to do.  If you don't trust him and he doesn't respect you then why continue being intimate with him?  Why stay in a marriage where your feelings don't seem to matter?

In the meantime you should look into the divorce laws in your state and county.  It doesn't hurt to have all the information just in case.  I am not saying give up but how long can you continue doing all the work while he gets a pass?

Lost

[MissCanuck]

It seems that porn is distracting you from the bigger problems here:

He was on dating sites, flirting with other women. 

Your husband is doing a lot worse than watching porn. Why are you not focusing on those issues? 

[gamon]

What the heck is a "Porn Complaint Department" anyway?

"Please take a number and have a seat and you'll be called to the window shortly. Ok number 172 please step up. What's your issue?"

"Hi, I'm not seeing enough scenes with anal lately what can be done about that, thank you?"

This is a serious question.

 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, gamon said:

What the heck is a "Porn Complaint Department" anyway?

The DOJ handles illegal pornography such as child porn. The DOJ also handles human trafficking, so it's unclear what an IT professional would be doing other than reporting it to the DOJ.

Porn complaint department may be some misstatement. Additionally law enforcement and the judicial system see tons of this without having it blur into what thier spouses are doing.

 

[Jibralta]

On 2/17/2021 at 3:34 PM, CrushedWife said:

He was on dating sites, flirting lightly on Facebook and other shady behavior also.

I would find this way more alarming than the porn!

[Burndizzle]

On 2/17/2021 at 3:34 PM, CrushedWife said:

According to his porn searches he did not have ED that was fabricated. As I work in I.T. I did a complete forensic search of his computer in case he was having an affair.  He was on dating sites, flirting lightly on Facebook and other shady behavior also.  As for the daily sex, it started because it had been forever, and it just keeps going.  I do speak to a counselor every two weeks, but I don't find it therapeutic. He won't do counseling.

I guess I have to weigh the lies and deceit against the effort he is putting into the marriage now, and as I don't want to be married to a lying porn addict, he is going to have to prove that he can abstain also.

I guess I just wanted an opinion from someone who isn't in this situation. If you go to betrayal trauma groups, it's all gloom and doom about it being like heroine and no one recovers. If you go to scientific sites, they don't have a lot of data so I'm not even sure where they are getting that from. If you ask guys, they will defend porn to their last breath. I honestly don't know why you can't just rub one off without it. I did it for ten years.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes you just want something dirty to remind you that your clean and porn is a healthy way to satisfy that craving lol it’s better on your computer than with a sloot in an alley