My Girlfriend's Guy Friend

[Dash40]

So I started dating my girlfriend a couple months ago and everything was great up until recently.  Before we started dating we had a conversation about how many people we had each slept with.  I was completely honest, and I assumed that she was too.  However, the day after I returned to school from winter break (we go to different colleges about 2 hours away) she gets drunk and tells me that she didn't tell me everyone.  She said that she had slept with one of her current guy friends a couple weeks before we started dating.  This really pissed me off because not only did she wait until I was gone to tell me, but she hangs out with this guy every single day and he's a piece of *** in my eyes, but let me explain why.

 

Over break, my girlfriend went to a house party with some of her old friends from school.  She said she was having fun until this specific guy friend showed up and started acting weird to her which was not an uncommon thing since he does it all the time when he's drunk.  He kept trying to convince her to sleep with him and when she said no and went to the bathroom, he picked the lock and opened the door, shut it behind him, and he grabbed her waist and started to pull her pants down.  She said she screamed and her friends came in and got her out.  I asked her why she was even friends with him after he literally tried to rape her, and she just says "he's been there for me when others weren't."  In my opinion the second that someone tries to rape you, that person no longer adds value to your life, but I guess I just "don't get it."  

 

This is just one of many times that he has tried to sleep with her while we have been dating, this was just the only time it got physical.  I've already told her that I don't ever want to meet him because I don't think the interaction would go well, and every time she mentions that she's doing something with him I get noticeably aggravated.  He also has a girlfriend that he has cheated on multiple times and I feel incredibly bad for her because she has no idea.  I told my girlfriend I will never tell her who she can and can't hangout with because I don't believe in that controlling stuff, but I kind of wish she would look at it from my perspective and see how uncomfortable it makes me when she says that she's getting drunk with her friends and he's there, but perhaps Im asking too much.  I wish she wouldn't keep putting me in this position.  They're alone together for some time at some point each day and I won't lie I get mad when she tells me, at this point I just don't even want to know.  

 

I feel like it isn't out of bounds for me to not be comfortable with them hanging out all the time, but I can tell that she gets annoyed whenever I express how I feel about this guy.  She just keeps saying that "I don't get it" and "its not like that" but I've seen this before and Im not stupid.  Im having a hard time trusting her and its affecting my mood whenever I think about it.  Am I the one who's being unreasonable?

[1a1a]

Not only is he a missing stair in the group but she’s choosing to keep seeing him when she knows how it makes you feel. You should never ask a partner to cut someone out but also they should have some desire to not stress you out like that. I’m going to go out on a limb and say she hasn’t axed him because there’s something about this dynamic she wants. 
 

So a conversation is in order but don’t frame it around him, frame it as a hypothetical question that you put to her, see what her answer is. ‘If one or the other of us had or made a friend and this friendship put tension on the relationship for one reason or another, what do you think would be a good way to reach a compromise and resolve that tension?’ See if she puts any suggestions on the table. This will give you an idea of where her values lie around this topic too which will be useful information 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Dash40 said:

she says that she's getting drunk with her friends and he's there

Set each other free. You want honesty and exclusivity and she wants to get drunk, party and be free. This will lead to a lot of headaches and heartaches for you, because you can't police anyone.

[Lambert]

I would break it off with girl. You're right to not want to control another person.  but you can also decide for yourself what's acceptable and what's not. 

She obviously makes bad decisions, has poor judgment and enjoys the party life and attention, more than she cares about how it impacts you. 

deal breaker. 

 

[DancingFool]

If you want to know who someone is, look at the company they keep.

This guy isn't your problem. Your gf's choices, character, and values are and it seems that they clash with your own quite a bit. So the question is, why aren't you running away screaming from all of this and seek out people and company who are more aligned with your values and boundaries? When a person is making choices that leave you uncomfortable, that's your giant clue that you are not compatible.

This guy has a gf and cheats on her constantly? Your gf slept with him and so is just one of many who helped him cheat. She knows who he is and she not only keeps him around and condones his behavior, but is an active and willing participant. This is who your gf is and getting rid of this guy isn't going to change her value system. Of course when you try to confront her, she will turn and shift blame on you "you just don't get". She is right in part, if you are a decent guy, you will never get cheaters. If you continue with her, you will learn fun terms like gaslighting, blameshifting, narcissistic abuse, etc.

It's really not that confusing when you step back and ask yourself a simple question - are her behavior and choices acceptable to you? If the answer is no, you simply break up and walk away. Especially when this kind of drama is happening just barely 2 months in. When that many red flags are slapping you in the face, you get off that train asap. 

No healthy relationships will leave you confused, questioning your sanity, angry, and anguishing over who your SO is hanging out with and what they are doing with who when you are not around. What you are experiencing is the definition of toxic. RUN.

 

[indea08]

I agree you should dump her. It’s not controlling to not want to leave room in your relationship for another guy. She’s being completely immature, self-centered, and honestly...stupid. This is how girls end up in bad situations.

[HeartGoesOn]

9 hours ago, Dash40 said:

So I started dating my girlfriend a couple months ago and everything was great up until recently.  Before we started dating we had a conversation about how many people we had each slept with.

Although I agree that this relationship would never work, I can't understand why this subject was brought up before even beginning to date, or at anytime for that matter. This in itself seems like middle school behaviour and rather than getting to know each other through dating, it turned into a game of keeping score.

In short it started out on the wrong foot, and had little to no chance of lasting, (imo).

[reinventmyself]

Maybe it's me, but the story just doesn't add up and the other guy is not here to defend himself.

But seeing your gf surrounds herself with men who try to rape her, that cheat on their girlfriends, yet she defends them and calls them friends?  

It doesn't add up and because of this and other odd the pieces of the story (told after the fact) that don't add up,  I wouldn't stick around to find out.

I must add. . the whole disclosure about who we slept with before is somewhat controlling.   Not sure who's idea that was, but you keep defending that you don't want to control her, yet you keep strongly suggesting how uncomfortable you are with her friendships but still stick around waiting for change.   It's really the just same thing but dressing it up as something different.

If you are uncomfortable with the circumstances, you remove yourself.  You don't stick around complaining about  it, while trying to indirectly change and manage it all.  Certainly not two months in.

[Capricorn3]

12 hours ago, Dash40 said:

So I started dating my girlfriend a couple months ago

 Im having a hard time trusting her and its affecting my mood whenever I think about it.  

Only dating for a couple of months and already zero trust.  I say cut your losses and move on.  No point in wasting time and energy on someone you hardly know (2 months is barely enough time to really get to know someone well) and don't trust.  Without trust, you have nothing.  Tell her she's welcome to hang around with her guy friends and party, but you're out the door.  Bye-bye. 

[Dash40]

4 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Although I agree that this relationship would never work, I can't understand why this subject was brought up before even beginning to date, or at anytime for that matter. This in itself seems like middle school behaviour and rather than getting to know each other through dating, it turned into a game of keeping score.

In short it started out on the wrong foot, and had little to no chance of lasting, (imo).

It was more of us just starting out with no secrets and being honest about our pasts.  It was never about keeping score.

[Dash40]

3 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Maybe it's me, but the story just doesn't add up and the other guy is not here to defend himself.

But seeing your gf surrounds herself with men who try to rape her, that cheat on their girlfriends, yet she defends them and calls them friends?  

It doesn't add up and because of this and other odd the pieces of the story (told after the fact) that don't add up,  I wouldn't stick around to find out.

I must add. . the whole disclosure about who we slept with before is somewhat controlling.   Not sure who's idea that was, but you keep defending that you don't want to control her, yet you keep strongly suggesting how uncomfortable you are with her friendships but still stick around waiting for change.   It's really the just same thing but dressing it up as something different.

If you are uncomfortable with the circumstances, you remove yourself.  You don't stick around complaining about  it, while trying to indirectly change and manage it all.  Certainly not two months in.

She asked me first and I was honest because I feel like anyone thats getting involved with you should know your history before they decide.

[reinventmyself]

12 hours ago, Dash40 said:

She asked me first and I was honest because I feel like anyone thats getting involved with you should know your history before they decide.

A cursory disclosure about your dating history is typical.  But a body count of who you had sex with before you two ever knew each other is intrusive.  I'll assume you are young.  You may see this differently in the future.

Your choice of words is telling.  She asked first, but you think you *should disclose these things.  

[reinventmyself]

12 hours ago, Dash40 said:

It was more of us just starting out with no secrets and being honest about our pasts.  It was never about keeping score.

But how did that work for you?

[smackie9]

I wouldn't believe a word she has told you. Seen this before..truth comes out in some way she slept with or was sexual with guy friend, but put a spin on it that he was the one going after her, almost raping etc to divert the actuality that they indeed slept together consensually. THAT is why she still hangs out with him. I doubt this incident happened.

You are in college, it is next to impossible not to be tempted by the fruits of another with a smorgasbord all around on campus/campus parties, etc. You are best to stay single, and have casual hookups or date casually without expectations.

Adult's perspective: As for asking for number and with who...no ones bizwax. You can disclose vaguely, but you shouldn't have to disclose specific details.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I wouldn't believe a word she has told you. Seen this before..truth comes out in some way she slept with or was sexual with guy friend, but put a spin on it that he was the one going after her, almost raping etc to divert the actuality that they indeed slept together consensually. THAT is why she still hangs out with him. I doubt this incident happened.

I agree with the above.

I wonder if he knows she tells people that he essentially forced himself on her. I don't think you're getting the full story there, OP. 

But even if it's the full and complete truth? She's got some serious boundary issues. 

I would advise walking away. She doesn't sound mature enough for the sort of relationship you would like to have. 

(But the childish and petty part of me would be curious to see what she says if you tell her that you want to be able to see her side and have been too quick to judge, and hey, why don't the three of you all hang out for a drink sometime and let bygones be bygones? Ya know, just to see how she responds to the two important men in her life becoming friendl)

 

[Deedp]

Dash40,

Dump your girlfriend and move on with your life. Once you tell a woman how you honestly feel about a male friend of hers and she disreguards your feelings and continues to see him, the relationship is over. If she truly cares for you and repects you she will show you by putting your feelings and relationship first and sever all ties with said person.

[Jennifer]

I think it's time to think that your girl really loves you are not? Because this is not controlling someone's life but respecting your feelings for her and about her security! The person who loves you will definitely agree to your opinion because you are not wrong. And even after that biggest incident of molestation if she is still seeing that guy then it means she really don't care about her self respect.