Silent Treatment

[Seether]

Hi.

It's not really advice I'm after its more of a wondering/concern.

Me and my Fiancée (we've lived together for 5 years, been together for almost 11 years) had a falling out about 2 days ago over something that I don see as a big concern as she's making it out to be. Since then she hasn't spoken a single word to me.

I was wondering how long has anyone gone without speaking to their partners (preferably ones you live with)?

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Seether said:

 something that I don see as a big concern as she's making it out to be. 

You're going to have a lot more silent treatments and sexless nights with this attitude.

 

[Seether]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're going to have a lot more silent treatments and sexless nights with this attitude.

 

I hope not. Basically it started because she asked me to empty the bin. I said yes but give me a minute or 2 so I can finish doing what I'm doing. She got angry because I didn't empty it straight away and that's when the silent treatment started.

[SherrySher]

The silent treatment is childish.

There should never be a reason why communication breaks down like this. You're two grown adults, no reason in the world why you can't or shouldn't be sitting down and talking things out.

And if she's getting mad over a bin, I would wonder who badly your relationship is breaking down altogether. That's a very petty thing to get angry over.

 

[SherrySher]

Is there something else going on that she is this upset about? I can't fathom anyone being this mad over a bin? It sounds ridiculous.

There's got to be something else bothering her.

 

[Seether]

6 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

The silent treatment is childish.

There should never be a reason why communication breaks down like this. You're two grown adults, no reason in the world why you can't or shouldn't be sitting down and talking things out.

 

I totally agree. I hate that we never talk it out. She's always adamant on not to talk about it and just be silent. I always believe the "Don't go to bed on bad terms" Just wish my partner felt that way.

[Seether]

2 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Is there something else going on that she is this upset about? I can't fathom anyone being this mad over a bin? It sounds ridiculous.

There's got to be something else bothering her.

 

Not as far as I know. Everything was fine up until that point.

Only other thing going on is we are having our place redecorated so everything is a mess. I don't know if that's got her stressed out.

[SherrySher]

I'll give you sincere advice here...really seriously re-consider about marrying this person.

My ex husband was a big believer in the silent treatment and I can attest to the fact that all it ever did was bring us further and further apart until we no longer had a friendship or were close.

It took years, granted...but it's a really crappy thing and all it does is cause two people to really become alienated to each other.

The thing is, you can't change that in someone. You can tell her it really bothers you (no doubt she will give you a rant on how it bothers her you not taking out the bins), but the bottom line is, silent treatment is a relationship killer. 100%

It's also a miserable way to live. It is a type of punishment and that's not love and it's no way to live.

Now a days, if I ever dated someone who did that (even if we had been together for a while), I would walk away. I know what happens down the road when it comes to silent treatment and there is no way anyone could convince me to live it again.

It's a sign of a toxic relationship (and in my opinion), it's a sign of immaturity and a controlling personality in the person who is doing the silent treatment.

Silent treatment is total bs and if someone pulled this on me, they would see me walking out and not looking back.

[Seether]

Thank you for the advice.

Problem is I love/afore/admire this woman so much. When she's not like this she's the most amazing,funny and caring person, I can't imagine my life without her. And  when we got together she kind of saved me from the person who I became after I broke up with my ex (that hit me hard)

I'll take your advice into consideration. Thank you people so much for replying.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Seether said:

I was wondering how long has anyone gone without speaking to their partners (preferably ones you live with)?

Maybe a couple hours, maximum. And that was simply meant as a cooling-off period so we could talk an issue out without emotions getting in the way. It wasn't ever the "silent treatment."

This is a very immature way to deal with problems, OP. All it does is increase resentment and magnify the disconnect between you two. 

Is this typical for her when she gets upset?

[SherrySher]

10 minutes ago, Seether said:

I can't imagine my life without her

If that's the case, then please sit down with her BEFORE you get married and tell her that the silent treatment can't be part of your marriage.

If she needs time on her own to settle her anger down, that's understandable, but that shouldn't be longer that a few hours (at most). I mean...it's bins.

Find better ways to communicate, to get along, to deal with situations (together) and as a couple.

Try to see problems as you and her trying to solve the problem as a couple and not you versus her. (I hope she can have this frame of mind too).

You can have a much healthier relationship and ways of dealing with upset, as long as you both agree to it and work towards it.

I hope you do, because trust me, I have lived the side of it where I didn't think the silent treatment would do much damage (and it really does, it slowly destroys).

 

[Hollyj]

3 hours ago, Seether said:

I hope not. Basically it started because she asked me to empty the bin. I said yes but give me a minute or 2 so I can finish doing what I'm doing. She got angry because I didn't empty it straight away and that's when the silent treatment started.

How often does this happen?    This seems a bit extreme.  I don't think we are hearing the entire story.  

I am curious as to how often she has to repeatedly ask you to do things?  It sounds like some counseling may be in order.

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Seether said:

I totally agree. I hate that we never talk it out. She's always adamant on not to talk about it and just be silent. I always believe the "Don't go to bed on bad terms" Just wish my partner felt that way.

So this wasn't a one time thing. She does it regularly?

Ask yourself if you can be married to someone who reacts to minor conflicts this way. Decide if this is something you can live with forever. Assume she will not "change".

I will say, if you need counseling before you've even married that isn't a great sign.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Seether said:

I totally agree. I hate that we never talk it out. She's always adamant on not to talk about it and just be silent. I always believe the "Don't go to bed on bad terms" Just wish my partner felt that way.

Ohh, so is she like this a lot of times?  This is not the FIRST major neg?

Well then, I guess SHE has issue's.. not just with communication, but with her attitude- You don't like this, many people don't.  Because you don't get to the heart of the matter, and get anything resolved  😞 

This is no good.  She needs to start working on this.

I hope she knows you don't like this behaviour?

[Rose Mosse]

Stonewalling is a form of manipulation. I hope you know that. You get to decide what your limits are and it's unlikely this has only just started if you've been together for 11 years. Are there any other issues at play? Why did she even have to ask you to take out the garbage? Is it something you don't (or both don't do) regularly? If you have chores that either of you do or have agreed to do, why did she have to ask you to do it?

What were you doing at the time that she asked you to take it out? She may disagree about your priorities. That's lack of trust and not seeing eye to eye. 

I think you know what made her upset but you could also be dismissive. We've all been there. I've dismissed a partner's concerns because they weren't a concern to me. It's hurtful to the other side. She's dismissing your feelings because she doesn't feel heard either. 

Start telling each other you love each other. Even if she doesn't say it back, let her know that you hear her. If you're not paying attention to your chores, pay more attention. Her love language may be acts of service and yours is words of affirmation. Keep staying in tune if you can. 

There's a break down in communication because you both might not be seeing each other as individuals anymore living together for so long. 

[waffle]

6 hours ago, Seether said:

Hi.

It's not really advice I'm after its more of a wondering/concern.

Me and my Fiancée (we've lived together for 5 years, been together for almost 11 years) had a falling out about 2 days ago over something that I don see as a big concern as she's making it out to be. Since then she hasn't spoken a single word to me.

I was wondering how long has anyone gone without speaking to their partners (preferably ones you live with)?

Is there any real intent to marry?  The reason I ask is because "fiancee" is a term thrown around a lot in many long-term relationships without anything formal to back it up (i.e. a ring, a wedding date).  Most people who were actually going to get married would've done it by now.

At any rate, I'll answer the question you asked.  My xH and I, the longest we ever went--while we were married and living together, of course--without speaking was maybe a couple months.  The silent treatment wasn't something I enjoyed and I'll never participate again.

P.S. As a rocker, I love your username.

[catfeeder]

On 1/18/2021 at 7:00 AM, Seether said:

over something that I don see as a big concern

This could be why.

Minimizing something that another feels sensitive about is the perfect way to shut them down to you.

Maybe rethink your position on that, and take the issue seriously enough to show empathy and concern for GF's feelings as you apologize sincerely and without deflecting or excusing.

[Wiseman2]

Let her be upset and process as she sees fit.

Sounds like you just want to do what you do and say what you say. Without opinions or backlash from her.

Unfortunately this creates a ticking time bomb. She's slowly checking out because at some level she's determined that talking with you is pointless.

And you see that, ("something I don't feel is a concern"), and dismiss it.

This is a classic situation of "I thought everything was fine then wham" because it's your intent to shut her down. This is the calm before the storm.

[Sunday]

It’s definitely not about the bin. Often when people are upset about things like that, it’s because the other partner may have a habit of regularly not listening or acknowledging their needs, both big or small. If you’re wanting a resolution, I’d try talking to her about if she feels like she’s not listened to and that you DO want to hear her. That may also be in her mind why she’s quiet, if she feels her voice isn’t heard. It’s not helpful for her to do the silent treatment and that’s wrong, maybe she’s at fault, but since you’re wanting to understand her behaviour, this might be a helpful conversation to have