Can I save the relationship?

[MissCanuck]

At 32, he needs to ask his parents' permission to sleep over?

 

Hon, this guy is either a giant man-child or he's being dishonest because he doesn't want to spend the night and it's easier to blame his parents. Imagine what married life would look like with someone who's under Mommy and Daddy's thumb like this.

 

I think you need to take a hard, realistic look at your relationship. You're both grown adults who have to have a teen-like relationship, either because his parents are insanely controlling and he has no backbone, or because he doesn't want this to go further and was fine keeping you at a distance.

[Helpalways]

This was hard to read because it summed up a lot of my fears.... that he chose to not rock the boat with his family and ended up making me feel insecure in the process. And I feel like I am getting a lot of the blame for the insecurity. I do take partial ownership of the insecurity issue, but I don’t think it’s just me.

 

It’s just so hard to give up on him. We get on together so well. We laugh, have so much in common, and I really do care for him and his family very deeply. I don’t want to give up if it’s at all fixable.

 

Just don’t know how to “fix” it if he wants a break and is not sure that we can work long term. :(

 

At 32, he needs to ask his parents' permission to sleep over?

 

Hon, this guy is either a giant man-child or he's being dishonest because he doesn't want to spend the night and it's easier to blame his parents. Imagine what married life would look like with someone who's under Mommy and Daddy's thumb like this.

 

I think you need to take a hard, realistic look at your relationship. You're both grown adults who have to have a teen-like relationship, either because his parents are insanely controlling and he has no backbone, or because he doesn't want this to go further and was fine keeping you at a distance.

 

I know this could be true. :( I guess I have been hopeful about it. He has said that he didn’t want to rock the boat with his family because he wants his family to like me and didn’t want their opinion to change if we slept over/spent the night.

[quark]

He has said that he didn’t want to rock the boat with his family because he wants his family to like me and didn’t want their opinion to change if we slept over/spent the night.

 

 

What else are you willing to give up just for his parents to like you? I'm trying not to be too tough, because I know religion is a touchy subject.. but if I were with someone for years and they had to move mountains and ask permission just to spend a night with me, I would be sooo utterly frustrated and unfulfilled. Do not reach out. If he wants a break, let him take it. If he comes back to you wanting to continue the relationship, you need to make sure you get what you need from the relationship before you move forward. But, to be honest.. if after 3 1/2 years it's not it .. it's probably not going to be it.

[DancingFool]

I hope this isn’t true, but it could be. I really am hopefully that he is almost to the finish line in his schooling and is ready for a serious future. But who knows... he could have no plans on being more mature anytime soon.

 

At 32 years old he is mature. What you see is what you get. When I say manchild - it's a character/personality problem and these types do not grow up, mature, or change. A manchild at 20 is the same at 30, 50, 60, 70....you get the idea.

 

He is also a user and make no mistake about that. Either he is totally lying to you and is busy spending some nights elsewhere OR he is putting up with control freak parents because in his view, the benefits outweigh the inconvenience. No sane adult will live like this. Even being a student isn't a valid excuse given how controlling his parents are....if that's even true to the extreme you are describing. Really hard to believe to be honest.

 

Bottom line is that you are living on hope and wishful thinking. Graduation is just a diploma. Yes, hopefully he'll get a job and then what? You are hoping that he'll suddenly grow up, start acting like a normal adult and propose to you. More likely, he'll either continue to use his parents to save money or he'll break free like a dog off a leash - new life, money, friends, women....and where does that leave you? At best you'll get the I love you but I'm not I love with you line.

 

Anyway, if I were you, I'd actually take this break as a time for you to step way back and open your eyes a bit. Remove those pink goggles and really take a good look at your relationship and how well you understand the situation. If he wants to continue, then give yourself a hard deadline - how long you are willing to wait on him to make a decision and if he doesn't, continues to make excuses, etc, then walk away and don't look back. Meanwhile, drop the topic. Do not drag this out for another year or two or three or you'll find yourself past the time to have the life that you want - caring husband and children.

 

I think it's also pretty rich of him to keep you at arms length while he peruses women on instagram and then tell you that it's you feeling insecure that's giving him pause. He is making you insecure through his behavior. The part that you need to own is that you keep putting up with him and his bs. Anyway, blaming you was pretty low blow and quite manipulative of him. Another thing to think about. I doubt it's the first time he's ever pulled something like that if you are willing to be honest with yourself.

[Hollyj]

This was hard to read because it summed up a lot of my fears.... that he chose to not rock the boat with his family and ended up making me feel insecure in the process. And I feel like I am getting a lot of the blame for the insecurity. I do take partial ownership of the insecurity issue, but I don’t think it’s just me.

 

It’s just so hard to give up on him. We get on together so well. We laugh, have so much in common, and I really do care for him and his family very deeply. I don’t want to give up if it’s at all fixable.

 

Just don’t know how to “fix” it if he wants a break and is not sure that we can work long term. :(

 

You can't "fix" anything. There are two people here, but you are doing all of the work. Relationships do not work this way.

[Hollyj]

At 32 years old he is mature. What you see is what you get. When I say manchild - it's a character/personality problem and these types do not grow up, mature, or change. A manchild at 20 is the same at 30, 50, 60, 70....you get the idea.

 

He is also a user and make no mistake about that. Either he is totally lying to you and is busy spending some nights elsewhere OR he is putting up with control freak parents because in his view, the benefits outweigh the inconvenience. No sane adult will live like this. Even being a student isn't a valid excuse given how controlling his parents are....if that's even true to the extreme you are describing. Really hard to believe to be honest.

 

Bottom line is that you are living on hope and wishful thinking. Graduation is just a diploma. Yes, hopefully he'll get a job and then what? You are hoping that he'll suddenly grow up, start acting like a normal adult and propose to you. More likely, he'll either continue to use his parents to save money or he'll break free like a dog off a leash - new life, money, friends, women....and where does that leave you? At best you'll get the I love you but I'm not I love with you line.

 

Anyway, if I were you, I'd actually take this break as a time for you to step way back and open your eyes a bit. Remove those pink goggles and really take a good look at your relationship and how well you understand the situation. If he wants to continue, then give yourself a hard deadline - how long you are willing to wait on him to make a decision and if he doesn't, continues to make excuses, etc, then walk away and don't look back. Meanwhile, drop the topic. Do not drag this out for another year or two or three or you'll find yourself past the time to have the life that you want - caring husband and children.

 

I think it's also pretty rich of him to keep you at arms length while he peruses women on instagram and then tell you that it's you feeling insecure that's giving him pause. He is making you insecure through his behavior. The part that you need to own is that you keep putting up with him and his bs. Anyway, blaming you was pretty low blow and quite manipulative of him. Another thing to think about. I doubt it's the first time he's ever pulled something like that if you are willing to be honest with yourself.

 

Help, you really need to absorb all of this. It is time to accept this guy for who he is. This is not someone who will suddenly grow up and take responsibility. I can'r even imagine raising children with someone like this. You also need to address why you have tolerated, and continue to tolerate this nonsense. he will not change!

[shellyf62]

You are in your late 20s. If you want a family you need to start making plans very soon.

His wishy washy approach to your life together & future isnt helping with these plans.

You need to seriously work out if he is worth staying with

[Helpalways]

Just to update everyone - still barely talking.

 

I texted him the other day wishing him good luck on a test he had. But that’s been about it. Still wondering if I should go no contact or keep texting him occasionally? Not sure which would be the best way to win him over and get him back...

[Wiseman2]

Try not to check in. He wanted space. So do not keep texting. He knows your contact info, so let him contact you. The best thing you can do is give him space, go no contact and focus on you. Put your energy into your friends/family, job/school, interests, groups, clubs, hobbies, etc.

 

Trying to stay on his radar like this will only backfire. You remove the possibility of finding out if he is still interested.

I texted him the other day wishing him good luck on a test he had. But that’s been about it. Still wondering if I should go no contact or keep texting him occasionally?

[Helpalways]

Try not to check in. He wanted space. So do not keep texting. He knows your contact info, so let him contact you. The best thing you can do is give him space, go no contact and focus on you. Put your energy into your friends/family, job/school, interests, groups, clubs, hobbies, etc.

 

Trying to stay on his radar like this will only backfire. You remove the possibility of finding out if he is still interested.

 

Thank you! The only confusing part was that after I wished him good luck, I told him I would still give him space. He then said that we should feel free to communicate and not be restricted on communication. And he has texted me a couple of short messages - one to tell me the test was over and one today where he shared an article with me. I kept my responses short.

[Tinydance]

Sorry to be blunt but I think get rid of him! I'm just a random on the Internet, so I can say that lol My family are not religious or traditional to that extent, so maybe I can't relate. But to me the whole situation just seems way too weird. Normally religious or traditional families are actually very marriage oriented. They believe the way to have relationships is to get married and have kids. So for one thing it's very strange that his family hasn't been very supportive of him having a relationship and them and him not wanting to push towards marriage.

 

Another thing I find really weird is that you met his Mum only briefly. In 3.5 years you never met any of his other family or friends? Don't you find that really odd??!! Even if he wasn't "allowed" sleepovers with you, why have you not been able to meet his family? How was that not allowed or possible? I think if he truly loves you and sees a future with you, he would have been including you with his family the whole time. Things like Birthdays and holidays. You should have been invited to all that.

 

The whole thing just sounds so dodgy, like maybe he had another woman the whole time and that's why didn't introduce you to family or have you over at their place. It didn't have to be a sleepover but you could just spend time with his family. Maybe the whole tradition thing is a lie just to keep you from asking too many questions.

 

In any case, I think the writing is on the wall and he's not serious about your future or marriage. If he was, he wouldn't be taking a break because you asked about marriage. It's normal to want that at your age and after a 3.5 year relationship! The fact that it scared him off shows that he doesn't actually want that. With you, or maybe ever. So it's obvious that continuing with him is a waste of time.

[Tinydance]

Sorry to hear this. Are you from different faith, cultures or countries? Unfortunately he was hemming and hawing all this time because eventually he will marry someone from his own background, who his family approves of.

 

You need to end it. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. He was stringing you along.

 

There's nothing to "repair". He's just a cowardly slime who wants to blame the breakup on you, when in fact marriage, commitment, etc. was never in the cards. You never had a chance given his "traditional" beliefs and family.

 

Agreed, but also I think the whole traditional family thing sounds like an excuse.

[Helpalways]

Try not to check in. He wanted space. So do not keep texting. He knows your contact info, so let him contact you. The best thing you can do is give him space, go no contact and focus on you. Put your energy into your friends/family, job/school, interests, groups, clubs, hobbies, etc.

 

Trying to stay on his radar like this will only backfire. You remove the possibility of finding out if he is still interested.

 

Sorry to be blunt but I think get rid of him! I'm just a random on the Internet, so I can say that lol My family are not religious or traditional to that extent, so maybe I can't relate. But to me the whole situation just seems way too weird. Normally religious or traditional families are actually very marriage oriented. They believe the way to have relationships is to get married and have kids. So for one thing it's very strange that his family hasn't been very supportive of him having a relationship and them and him not wanting to push towards marriage.

 

Another thing I find really weird is that you met his Mum only briefly. In 3.5 years you never met any of his other family or friends? Don't you find that really odd??!! Even if he wasn't "allowed" sleepovers with you, why have you not been able to meet his family? How was that not allowed or possible? I think if he truly loves you and sees a future with you, he would have been including you with his family the whole time. Things like Birthdays and holidays. You should have been invited to all that.

 

The whole thing just sounds so dodgy, like maybe he had another woman the whole time and that's why didn't introduce you to family or have you over at their place. It didn't have to be a sleepover but you could just spend time with his family. Maybe the whole tradition thing is a lie just to keep you from asking too many questions.

 

In any case, I think the writing is on the wall and he's not serious about your future or marriage. If he was, he wouldn't be taking a break because you asked about marriage. It's normal to want that at your age and after a 3.5 year relationship! The fact that it scared him off shows that he doesn't actually want that. With you, or maybe ever. So it's obvious that continuing with him is a waste of time.

 

Sorry if this was unclear - but I spend time with his family all the time — multiple times a week! I think they are supportive of the relationship and have always been very welcoming. They just are not cool with him sleeping over at night before marriage!

[Tinydance]

Sorry if this was unclear - but I spend time with his family all the time — multiple times a week! I think they are supportive of the relationship and have always been very welcoming. They just are not cool with him sleeping over at night before marriage!

 

OK thanks for the clarification! But something is actually stopping your boyfriend from wanting marriage after 3.5 years. I think it's been too long and there is no point in waiting a few more years for him to make up his mind. He should already know now if he wants to marry you or not. Instead he's taking a break from you because it scared him off. If he saw a future with you, he would marry you. It's as simple as that. In the very least he would get engaged.

[Wiseman2]

So there are religious differences or not? Don't dismiss it. You have your own place and can have men sleep over but he lives with his parents who do not approve of premarital sex? Unfortunately this is an extreme incompatibility. Fade out.

They just are not cool with him sleeping over at night before marriage!

[Helpalways]

OK thanks for the clarification! But something is actually stopping your boyfriend from wanting marriage after 3.5 years. I think it's been too long and there is no point in waiting a few more years for him to make up his mind. He should already know now if he wants to marry you or not. Instead he's taking a break from you because it scared him off. If he saw a future with you, he would marry you. It's as simple as that. In the very least he would get engaged.

 

 

The only reason I’m holding out hope is that I think he is depressed. So, I’m wondering if he is pushing me away because of his own mental health. If he is, then I’m willing to wait (not forever, but a while) for that to be sorted out. Just wish I knew how to support him right now while he is struggling with his depression.

[Helpalways]

OK thanks for the clarification! But something is actually stopping your boyfriend from wanting marriage after 3.5 years. I think it's been too long and there is no point in waiting a few more years for him to make up his mind. He should already know now if he wants to marry you or not. Instead he's taking a break from you because it scared him off. If he saw a future with you, he would marry you. It's as simple as that. In the very least he would get engaged.

 

So there are religious differences or not? Don't dismiss it. You have your own place and can have men sleep over but he lives with his parents who do not approve of premarital sex? Unfortunately this is an extreme incompatibility. Fade out.

 

No, there is not a religious difference! And in a weird way, I think his parents know/don’t care about the premarital sex. His mom just has a weird hang up about him sleeping over.

[Wiseman2]

Which of these is it? Unfortunately, any one of them you pick, leads to the same answer. He wants to stop dating after 7 mos.

 

He's depressed,

His family is very traditional and doesn’t believe in spending the night or living together until marriage

He doesn’t want to upset his family.

He blamed it on me - telling me that my jealousy and insecurity gave him pause about moving forward.

[MissCanuck]

He's depressed,

His family is very traditional and doesn’t believe in spending the night or living together until marriage

He doesn’t want to upset his family.

He blamed it on me - telling me that my jealousy and insecurity gave him pause about moving forward.

 

Exactly.

 

I think he wants to end this relationship, OP, and doesn't know how to man up and tell you directly that it's over.

[Rose Mosse]

Don't contact him again for your own peace of mind and mental health for awhile until you regain some idea of what you want or where you want to go from here. Unfortunately that usually brings individuals or exes back as the mystery is too much. They all lead to one point: you deciding for yourself whether this isn't a good place to be.

 

If you haven't reached that point, things will continue to be confusing but it's you processing everything. This is probably how character is tested or made - your character, as in what you live by or stand by and what you accept or don't accept in your life. You can either go back to the situation and repeat the mistakes and losses or disappointments or you can say enough is enough and strike out into the unknown.

 

It's up to you but whatever you decide is your decision. It doesn't bother any of us here but you'll have to live by your decisions and if you have others depending on you (kids, parents, family members or other commitments), you owe it to yourself to take everything into account. The decision to 'win back' as you say an individual or rekindle a relationship or begin a new relationship isn't always just about you. It affects everything else around you.

 

You also have to decide the reasoning behind his thought process. You may not see it now but you're seeing the way he solves problems or issues in a relationship, treating you as disposable when there are challenges. You're a thinking, rational and decent human being. Use your brain. Is this how a mature or reasonable person handles challenges in a long term relationship pointing to marriage?

 

If you can justify the relationship and the ripple effects it has or has had in the past, then do what you have to do and 'win him back'. You may lose yourself in the process also because you've forgotten what should have mattered in the first place - trust and consideration. Those things are missing. You may be missing and grieving the idea of being a part of something bigger (relationship, marriage, family), not him.

 

Take more time to think.

[Jibralta]

When you are in an insecure situation, it's normal to feel insecure.

 

I agree. Your gut is screaming at you to get out, and you are trying to stomp it down into a box and pretend it's nothing. At 32, his character is fixed. Nothing is ever his fault. He is an immature, full grown man whose parents still rule his life. He flirts with girls on social media and has weak boundaries with his ex-girlfriends. You will never feel safe and confident in this relationship.