How Do You Balance Life with Kids?

[Seraphim]

I feel ambivalently about it, to be honest.

 

Due to ADHD and comorbid OCD my husband suffered horrific crippling anxiety that would make him pass out since childhood. Now for years he has been better medicated.

[maritalbliss86]

Have you heard of Montessori education and schools?

https://montessori-nw.org/about-montessori-education#:~:text=Montessori%20is%20a%20method%20of,activities%20to%20guide%20the%20process.

 

It would have been the best choice for me as a kid. It seems it would have been for you too. MB have you considered it for your kids?

 

Yes, I've researched Montessori style education years ago when our youngest was little. I practiced teaching him that way when he was just 3-5 and then when he entered kinder (age 5) at a fancy STEM school, the teacher thought he was the best in his class!!

 

But now I really just do that with the both of them (will start the 3 year old girl next year when she's a little more ready). It is a great education style, but it's expensive here as it's only found in private schools (not so sure about the charter schools which are tax-payer funded and free).

[Seraphim]

I'm so sorry, Seraphim, I really don't know how else to describe him. I've read through your journal on your son's diagnosis and the things he does, and I saw so many comparisons with our son.

 

His yearly doctor checkup is coming up and I'll ask them about all the things that I've seen and see what our dr. says.

ASD is just Autistic, no functioning label because how one functions depends on day and circumstances and endless abilities and disabilities. For instance my son is 23 and he is for the sake of “ functioning “ at level 1 support which is “ high “ . However , his processing speed is first percentile which is extremely low. So his ability to transition and learn new things on a dime is severely impacted, ie he will probably never work and is on disability payments since he was 18.

 

Another instance . He has been having an extremely hard time with COVID restrictions and due to people being insistent on things that he can’t do and can’t process quickly he ended up in a meltdown sobbing on the ground beside my vehicle at the mall on Sat . He is 6’1” and 220 pounds and a full beard and is a grown man and has average intelligence but still needs support and may always be home . See how a functioning label is incorrect?

 

If your son is Autistic PLEASE PLEASE don’t do ABA it is abuse. It is conversion therapy and leads to severe mental illnesses in Autistic people.

[maritalbliss86]

ASD is just Autistic, no functioning label because how one functions depends on day and circumstances and endless abilities and disabilities. For instance my son is 23 and he is for the sake of “ functioning “ at level 1 support which is “ high “ . However , his processing speed is first percentile which is extremely low. So his ability to transition and learn new things on a dime is severely impacted, ie he will probably never work and is on disability payments since he was 18.

 

Another instance . He has been having an extremely hard time with COVID restrictions and due to people being insistent on things that he can’t do and can’t process quickly he ended up in a meltdown sobbing on the ground beside my vehicle at the mall on Sat . He is 6’1” and 220 pounds and a full beard and is a grown man and has average intelligence but still needs support and may always be home . See how a functioning label is incorrect?

 

If your son is Autistic PLEASE PLEASE don’t do ABA it is abuse. It is conversion therapy and leads to severe mental illnesses in Autistic people.

 

Wow Seraphim, I had to refresh my memory of ABA... thank you for telling me your take on it. I know I've read about it before and the experiments in the 70's, but I forgot how abusive it sounds, especially in training them not to stim .

 

We're just kind of natural about it and he's seemed to flourish under a positive umbrella of us being relaxed parents. I mean even the homeschooling I've set up for him is based on his desire to go at a normal pace, or do more. And he's consistently surprised me this year in how excited he is to do way more than I thought he'd want to or even be able to do. He does still have meltdowns, and they are definitely different from tantrums, but it's only really hard when we happen to be out (we can calm him down much easier when he's at home).

[Seraphim]

Wow Seraphim, I had to refresh my memory of ABA... thank you for telling me your take on it. I know I've read about it before and the experiments in the 70's, but I forgot how abusive it sounds, especially in training them not to stim .

 

We're just kind of natural about it and he's seemed to flourish under a positive umbrella of us being relaxed parents. I mean even the homeschooling I've set up for him is based on his desire to go at a normal pace, or do more. And he's consistently surprised me this year in how excited he is to do way more than I thought he'd want to or even be able to do. He does still have meltdowns, and they are definitely different from tantrums, but it's only really hard when we happen to be out (we can calm him down much easier when he's at home).

 

The person who invented ABA called Autistic people “ not human “ and basically it is to punish them for how they are born and to try and make them neurotypical. You can’t make them Neurotypical they will always be autistic. But you can give them PTSD and hatred of themselves and destroy them as a person. Many autistic parents of autistic children homeschool their children or do something called unschooling. When my son went to grade school they did restraint holds and even locked him in a room once. All of this is illegal now. My son was misdiagnosed many times over and was not properly diagnosed Autistic until he was a week from being 17.

 

Stimming is an autistic person‘s way of self regulating and calming themselves. If you don’t permit them to do that it actually causes them physical pain and psychological harm.

 

If you want to learn more about Autism from Autistic people

https://autisticadvocacy.org/

And Amethyst Schaber an Autistic advocate on YouTube.

[Seraphim]

[Seraphim]

[maritalbliss86]

Thank you for posting those, was really interesting to hear her take on things.

[Seraphim]

Thank you for posting those, was really interesting to hear her take on things.

 

That is the important part. Autistic perspective and Autistic voices about Autism. Who would know better than them?

[maritalbliss86]

Last night my husband talked for almost 2 hours straight about some things he's really interested in. Oh my word I thought it was so cute LOL.

 

I think normally something like that could annoy a spouse... and we weren't planning on talking for that long, it just happened.

 

I love that we've been together so long that I know everything he's talking about intimately, why it matters so much to him, and I know him enough to know that talking for that long is NOT normal LOL ....

 

I had several moments where I cuddled closer to him and held onto his arm, and felt privileged that I'm the one he chooses to talk that much to. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I really appreciate how open we are with each other, and I appreciate that he's mine... that he talks to me like that.

 

He feels the same way so it's not one-sided or anything. We both feel like we've won the lottery with each other. I think that makes things like this, where one person randomly goes on for 2 hours not something that would be, "annoying," but helps you see it in a different light.

 

Edited to add... We love teasing each other, so when I finally thought it was appropriate enough to tease him a little, I started teasing about how he talks with his hands LOL... it was hilarious and of course it made him tease me back. We're sometimes extremely immature people, or just really silly people.

[maritalbliss86]

Had a flock of close to 20 chicadees this morning visiting our feeder and frozen areas of water around in the yard! I have no idea WHY these adorable little birds make me so happy to see them... but they do!

[LaHermes]

Love that post, MB. Warms the heart in the midst of so much misery.

[maritalbliss86]

Wow I had some serious incident of insecurity last night! It surprised me and the feelings took me off guard!!

 

We were watching another series of Survivor together, we love those shows and laugh and enjoy the adventure of it together. We were both athletic and still love to work out and be fit and healthy. But this time for some reason the women in the bikinis made me feel insecure afterward (not during ironically?? what on earth!??)... And all of a sudden I was extremely insecure about my own body .

 

My husband was surprised... like, "Um... You realize I'm super attracted to you right? You look better than them anyways... and I only want you!" and Yada Yada...

 

Of course I know all of that and don't want to compare myself to other women or even make him FEEL like he has to say something like, "You're better than them." YUCK I don't want to feel better than anyone... I just can't believe I actually felt insecure and hated the feelings of it. He understood... Good grief!

 

The feelings were gone after awhile (like 30 minutes) and I was normal again. I really don't know what to make of it, other than it was like some sort of temporary insanity lol....

 

What on earth?! Is this aging? ... Is this going to happen again??? I'm gonna be ready next time, although I have no idea what to do to prepare for something like that. LOL

 

Ultimately... I'm glad I felt those feelings because maybe it helps me understand more what people go through. Insecurity feels horrible, almost like some kind of shame or something, hard to describe, but I guess I'm grateful for the experience?

 

Here's to feeling great in your own skin. And if you don't... HUGS because that is a horrible feeling to feel.

[Batya33]

No -I don't think it's about age although of course a woman might not like how her body is aging. I think it's because you are post partum, your body was not your own while pregnant - I loved being pregnant but you know that's the reality -and if you're nursing now your body is not really your own/back to "normal" plus you're sleep deprived so I think it's normal to feel insecure. Also has nothing to do with whether you work out or are fit -body image is separate from that. People who have a healthy body image and accept themselves of course see all sorts of people who are objectively in "better shape" and it's no biggie nor do they go there as far as whether their partner wants someone who is in "better shape". I've never known ever of a healthy relationship that fell apart because one person was not "as" fit as when they married. Extremes, yes - a person who lets him or herself go to a really unhealthy extent -but then it's not just about looks but probably values too and probably there's some emotional/depression issues happening.

[maritalbliss86]

No -I don't think it's about age although of course a woman might not like how her body is aging. I think it's because you are post partum, your body was not your own while pregnant - I loved being pregnant but you know that's the reality -and if you're nursing now your body is not really your own/back to "normal" plus you're sleep deprived so I think it's normal to feel insecure. Also has nothing to do with whether you work out or are fit -body image is separate from that. People who have a healthy body image and accept themselves of course see all sorts of people who are objectively in "better shape" and it's no biggie nor do they go there as far as whether their partner wants someone who is in "better shape". I've never known ever of a healthy relationship that fell apart because one person was not "as" fit as when they married. Extremes, yes - a person who lets him or herself go to a really unhealthy extent -but then it's not just about looks but probably values too and probably there's some emotional/depression issues happening.

 

Yes, you're right... Plus with the breastfeeding I'm still hormonal and a little more off-balanced emotionally. Thanks, Batya... it was funny afterward, really felt like a temporary loss of my sanity!

 

I've always felt stronger and more confident after having a baby, so that feeling was very unexpected and came out of nowhere. I'm usually proud of my body for knowing what it's capable of.

 

And neither of us have ever had an extreme weight change, although we've been through some individual trials, ups and downs of life kind of thing that caused depression or grief... we've both been there for each other and helped the other get healthy or stay healthy until the grief/depression was over. But I can understand that.

 

This is odd since I really am normal looking right now and only have a little weight to lose. Really I just need to get, "in shape," muscle-wise... nothing dramatic. It was definitely a mental thing and not even a reality thing. Very thankful it passed!

[Batya33]

Yes, you're right... Plus with the breastfeeding I'm still hormonal and a little more off-balanced emotionally. Thanks, Batya... it was funny afterward, really felt like a temporary loss of my sanity!

 

I've always felt stronger and more confident after having a baby, so that feeling was very unexpected and came out of nowhere. I'm usually proud of my body for knowing what it's capable of.

 

And neither of us have ever had an extreme weight change, although we've been through some individual trials, ups and downs of life kind of thing that caused depression or grief... we've both been there for each other and helped the other get healthy or stay healthy until the grief/depression was over. But I can understand that.

 

This is odd since I really am normal looking right now and only have a little weight to lose. Really I just need to get, "in shape," muscle-wise... nothing dramatic. It was definitely a mental thing and not even a reality thing. Very thankful it passed!

 

Yes I'm happy for you! It really has nothing to do with your current weight/body shape except in really extreme circumstances when a person is unwell/has gained a tremendous amount of weight, unusually, in a short time but that's often a symptom of an underlying problem, emotionally. I personally tried not to go down the "pride" path since in my personal life I saw so many struggle with infertility and miscarriages, my friend gave birth to a stillborn some years ago, and always assumed when I started trying at almost 41 that I would go through that too - so for me it had nothing at all to do with pride. That helped me a lot when I had a near-emergency C section because I never ever had the mindset that natural birth was some sort of accomplishment to be proud of. Same with breastfeeding that I could not do. I see so many women beating themselves up for not being able to do natural child birth (my sister gave birth naturally 4 times but she also used to not need drugs at the dentist lol!) -, for not being able to breastfeed, and I hate reading that -hate seeing women down on themselves because their natural birth plan did not go according to plan.

 

I do respect that it's a source of pride for you - I feel that pride many mornings when I work out no matter what, all weather, all levels of tiredness, not as much in the mood, etc -I love pushing myself and seeing what my body can accomplish. We all feel pride in ourselves for different reasons!

[maritalbliss86]

Yes I'm happy for you! It really has nothing to do with your current weight/body shape except in really extreme circumstances when a person is unwell/has gained a tremendous amount of weight, unusually, in a short time but that's often a symptom of an underlying problem, emotionally. I personally tried not to go down the "pride" path since in my personal life I saw so many struggle with infertility and miscarriages, my friend gave birth to a stillborn some years ago, and always assumed when I started trying at almost 41 that I would go through that too - so for me it had nothing at all to do with pride. That helped me a lot when I had a near-emergency C section because I never ever had the mindset that natural birth was some sort of accomplishment to be proud of. Same with breastfeeding that I could not do. I see so many women beating themselves up for not being able to do natural child birth (my sister gave birth naturally 4 times but she also used to not need drugs at the dentist lol!) -, for not being able to breastfeed, and I hate reading that -hate seeing women down on themselves because their natural birth plan did not go according to plan.

 

I do respect that it's a source of pride for you - I feel that pride many mornings when I work out no matter what, all weather, all levels of tiredness, not as much in the mood, etc -I love pushing myself and seeing what my body can accomplish. We all feel pride in ourselves for different reasons!

 

Oh believe me none of mine were natural! And the first was an emergency c-section! Which was why all the other ones ended up being c-sections. I probably would have been one of those women who died during childbirth back in the older times. So I definitely don't have a prideful attitude about it, but ironically I've come across quite a few women who had the attitude that I must have had an easier time due to genetics. In reality, all the women in my family have major weight problems, so watching my weight during pregnancy and bouncing back with hard work etc. was all diligent work on my part in avoiding obesity (which is the, "norm," for women in my family... I was the first to NOT get obese after kids).

 

And don't worry, breastfeeding was also not something I was super proud of. I couldn't do it with my first, for a lot of reasons. Scientifically, it tends to be harder when your first is a boy... your body doesn't produce the same amount of milk as a girl - we know that now. And then after you have a girl, it's actually easier. With our second (boy) I had read 4 books on breastfeeding LOL and watched a million youtube videos and suffered through 6 weeks of bleeding nipples to finally get it right! It was just sheer HELLISH determination lol. And it did pay off and finally work. But I saw the effects (that we now know biologically) after our 3rd (which was a girl) the amount of milk I was suddenly capable of producing was like a nice little Dairy Milk Cow! But then she also drank SO much and SO often that she gave me horribly painful mastitis within her first week of life

 

I don't know why... but I find a ton of humor in things like that.

 

I think my reaction, especially with the first child with my body right afterward was just amazement and then feeling proud of it and grateful for it. It's strange, but it wasn't really pride per say in a proudful, arrogant manner... more like great respect and appreciation. Like how you'd feel when your child accomplished something extremely difficult and valuable, you'd feel proud of them, maybe even a little surprised or amazed. And even if you have friends whose children are failing or having a hard time in school or something, it still wouldn't affect your internal process of feeling great joy for your own child's accomplishment... even though you would choose to be sensitive to their own struggles, that kind of thing.

[Batya33]

Yes, I was in awe of my body. I see being proud of one's child for accomplishing something academic or acting in a thoughtful way as different. Because it's within the child's choices and control. I couldn't control at all whether my body could carry a baby to term and I was painfully aware of that lack of control. By contrast I felt proud about what I did to get back in shape especially given my post partum stroke. Having the stroke underscored how little control we have over our bodies especially for women like me who give birth after 40. The only risk factors I had for stroke was pregnancy and being over 40.

 

I respectfully do not agree about nursing a boy vs. a girl but we all get our science from different sources. I didn't produce enough and I was about to see an LC who came highly recommended then had the stroke on day 12. On day 15 I started blood thinners once it was properly diagnosed (between day 12 and 15 I was too freaked out to think of nursing) and wasn't comfortable trying to nurse with blood thinners in my system.

[maritalbliss86]

Yes, I was in awe of my body. I see being proud of one's child for accomplishing something academic or acting in a thoughtful way as different. Because it's within the child's choices and control. I couldn't control at all whether my body could carry a baby to term and I was painfully aware of that lack of control. By contrast I felt proud about what I did to get back in shape especially given my post partum stroke. Having the stroke underscored how little control we have over our bodies especially for women like me who give birth after 40. The only risk factors I had for stroke was pregnancy and being over 40.

 

I respectfully do not agree about nursing a boy vs. a girl but we all get our science from different sources. I didn't produce enough and I was about to see an LC who came highly recommended then had the stroke on day 12. On day 15 I started blood thinners once it was properly diagnosed (between day 12 and 15 I was too freaked out to think of nursing) and wasn't comfortable trying to nurse with blood thinners in my system.

 

Oh I'm so sorry you had a stroke... wow! Just wondering, where are you getting your science from? Statistically, and this is very new science I believe that they've discovered fairly recently, it's normal to not make enough with your first baby if it happens to be a boy, it's a very strange scientific mystery. But I was wondering what you thought was happening otherwise, if you've read or seen something else?

[Batya33]

Oh I'm so sorry you had a stroke... wow! Just wondering, where are you getting your science from? Statistically, and this is very new science I believe that they've discovered fairly recently, it's normal to not make enough with your first baby if it happens to be a boy, it's a very strange scientific mystery. But I was wondering what you thought was happening otherwise, if you've read or seen something else?

 

Yes it sounds strange and I know there are theories about breastfeeding -many different ones - and I've seen so many myths masquerading as science about nursing, pregnancy, hormones, essential oils, the list goes on and on. I go with what my doctors tell me and from medical and science sources I trust. I am not a scientist and I think the milk type may differ based on gender and no I don't believe that it's harder to make enough milk with a boy. It's possible that the contents of the milk differ whether the baby is a boy or a girl but I do not know. I do know I was never told at the time gender had anything to do with it -sure it could be new- I'd be very dubious about such a claim and want to know more about how this theory was deterimined. In my case it likely was because I didn't have the skin to skin right away, because he was bottle fed in the NICU where he was for 36 hours, etc.

 

I do know that it harms new moms so much if they are judged if they "give up" on nursing or choose bottle feeding. I hate hearing that. Luckily my husband was 100% supportive in my trying to nurse and deciding not to because of the risk of the meds. I was disappointed but also felt relief. I'd been pumping around the clock and he'd been cleaning out the pump around the clock. Not healthy for either of us. I'm glad it worked out for you -my sister nursed all of her kids -three of them for years!

[Seraphim]

I had adequate milk for my son. He was my first and only.

[maritalbliss86]

Yes it sounds strange and I know there are theories about breastfeeding -many different ones - and I've seen so many myths masquerading as science about nursing, pregnancy, hormones, essential oils, the list goes on and on. I go with what my doctors tell me and from medical and science sources I trust. I am not a scientist and I think the milk type may differ based on gender and no I don't believe that it's harder to make enough milk with a boy. It's possible that the contents of the milk differ whether the baby is a boy or a girl but I do not know. I do know I was never told at the time gender had anything to do with it -sure it could be new- I'd be very dubious about such a claim and want to know more about how this theory was deterimined. In my case it likely was because I didn't have the skin to skin right away, because he was bottle fed in the NICU where he was for 36 hours, etc.

 

I do know that it harms new moms so much if they are judged if they "give up" on nursing or choose bottle feeding. I hate hearing that. Luckily my husband was 100% supportive in my trying to nurse and deciding not to because of the risk of the meds. I was disappointed but also felt relief. I'd been pumping around the clock and he'd been cleaning out the pump around the clock. Not healthy for either of us. I'm glad it worked out for you -my sister nursed all of her kids -three of them for years!

 

Yes!! They did find out that the contents are vastly different if it's a boy or a girl baby. Soooo fascinating! And they found out through studying many couples that once a woman has a girl, breastfeeding is often easier and milk production is a lot more (like surprisingly more). Plus they even found out that if your baby is sick, your breasts somehow know exactly what to make that helps with whatever the baby is sick with. A lot of these things are mysteries that they really can't explain. It's fascinating. Of course there are outliers though, there will always be outliers in every research finding.

 

I'll have to look for it specifically, but there are multiple scientists that have been studying breast milk and finding these new revelations out. To me things like that are exciting.

[maritalbliss86]

Ok... so just a fast google search came up with Katie Hinde. She's the scientist that has discovered a woman's breastmilk changes overtime with the needs of her baby!!!

 

Ugh stuff like that excites me and makes me miss working in science research.

[Seraphim]

Ok... so just a fast google search came up with Katie Hinde. She's the scientist that has discovered a woman's breastmilk changes overtime with the needs of her baby!!!

 

Ugh stuff like that excites me and makes me miss working in science research.

Absolutely it changes to your baby’s needs.

[Batya33]

Ok... so just a fast google search came up with Katie Hinde. She's the scientist that has discovered a woman's breastmilk changes overtime with the needs of her baby!!!

 

Ugh stuff like that excites me and makes me miss working in science research.

 

Yes, many scientists come out with many theories. What I do for myself and my family is choose one or two authoritative websites, a few authoritative books, then trust our physicians, so that I avoid going down the rabbit hole of clicking on multiple websites with multiple studies and multiple theories. It also decreases the risk of anxiety that comes from self diagnosing based on multiple websites or from buying let's say, expensive oils or supplements because of scientific claims of what they can do. ETc. Totally -you do you - you are really interested in doing this kind of reading and searching and because you find it fascinating and interesting - you should, totally!! Just not right for me or my family.

 

(I do know that the type of breastmilk changes with the baby's needs, including the initial colostrum which I think he got!! - fortunately he totally thrived on formula. I did too -in the 1960s it was not as common at all to breastfeed so my sister and I were bottle fed by default basically).