How Do You Balance Life with Kids?

[maritalbliss86]

Yes, many scientists come out with many theories. What I do for myself and my family is choose one or two authoritative websites, a few authoritative books, then trust our physicians, so that I avoid going down the rabbit hole of clicking on multiple websites with multiple studies and multiple theories. It also decreases the risk of anxiety that comes from self diagnosing based on multiple websites or from buying let's say, expensive oils or supplements because of scientific claims of what they can do. ETc. Totally -you do you - you are really interested in doing this kind of reading and searching and because you find it fascinating and interesting - you should, totally!! Just not right for me or my family.

 

(I do know that the type of breastmilk changes with the baby's needs, including the initial colostrum which I think he got!! - fortunately he totally thrived on formula. I did too -in the 1960s it was not as common at all to breastfeed so my sister and I were bottle fed by default basically).

 

Well, yes, but theories are then put through studies and they try to see if the theory or claim matches in reality. And if it matches over and over again.

 

In reality, the essential oils haven't been proven yet to perform at the level some people claim.... My personal thoughts on them are fairly ambivalent... I mean they help in some ways to soothe the mind, but nothing has been proven, scientifically, yet. Some studies have been conflicting... they may help some people more than others and other factors may be involved, etc. But altogether, it's known to be hit or miss and largely miss.

 

Whereas with cells and biochemicals etc. we've proven lots of things that are going on in the body... they're no longer just theories when you can test it over and over again, and find the same result.

 

At some point, most scientists accept things about our biochemicals that become known as facts.

 

Like now with the breastfeeding, it's been proven that the milk contents, things that are testable and provable over and over again, are different for male babies and female babies... specifically I think it was the protein content, but I can't remember exactly. And I think they also learned that the oxytocin, the chemical they thought would be stronger in the mother mostly, can be the same for dads as it is for moms IF the dads spend time with the baby and have bonding experiences to build up that biochemical in the dad's body to bond him to the baby.

 

In other words, the colostrum is only known because it was tested and proven. It's not like essential oils where there's been many many studies, and the results are still hit or miss and largely miss.

[Batya33]

Well, yes, but theories are then put through studies and they try to see if the theory or claim matches in reality. And if it matches over and over again.

 

In reality, the essential oils haven't been proven yet to perform at the level some people claim.... My personal thoughts on them are fairly ambivalent... I mean they help in some ways to soothe the mind, but nothing has been proven, scientifically, yet. Some studies have been conflicting... they may help some people more than others and other factors may be involved, etc. But altogether, it's known to be hit or miss and largely miss.

 

Whereas with cells and biochemicals etc. we've proven lots of things that are going on in the body... they're no longer just theories when you can test it over and over again, and find the same result.

 

At some point, most scientists accept things about our biochemicals that become known as facts.

 

Like now with the breastfeeding, it's been proven that the milk contents, things that are testable and provable over and over again, are different for male babies and female babies... specifically I think it was the protein content, but I can't remember exactly. And I think they also learned that the oxytocin, the chemical they thought would be stronger in the mother mostly, can be the same for dads as it is for moms IF the dads spend time with the baby and have bonding experiences to build up that biochemical in the dad's body to bond him to the baby.

 

In other words, the colostrum is only known because it was tested and proven. It's not like essential oils where there's been many many studies, and the results are still hit or miss and largely miss.

 

I'm glad that interests you! I'm not a scientist and I only minimally use essential oils and haven't studied breastfeeding or breastmilk to the extent you've shared so I can't respond. I am glad you're happy with how you approach looking into scientific theories and it sounds like you find it interested and fascinating even! As I wrote above I go to certain trusted medical websites, certain books and trusted physicians for my information sources when it comes to making medical and health decisions for myself and my family. I don't do scientific research and I don't search on the internet for additional scientific theories since I have the sources already that I trust and rely on. If there came a time when I did not trust those sources I would of course look elsewhere. I always found it stressful to do too much looking on the internet or go beyond my tried and true trusted information sources to find answers to personal medical and health decisions or for those for my family. i especially found it stressful to do internet searches when I was pregnant so I chose two books I liked and my OB and one or two trusted websites. I am not interested in studying science or medicine beyond that.

[maritalbliss86]

"I respectfully do not agree about nursing a boy vs. a girl but we all get our science from different sources. I didn't produce enough and I was about to see an LC who came highly recommended then had the stroke on day 12. On day 15 I started blood thinners once it was properly diagnosed (between day 12 and 15 I was too freaked out to think of nursing) and wasn't comfortable trying to nurse with blood thinners in my system."

 

My responses were trying to respond to this statement you made (above) that you didn't agree with the science behind what I was saying they've now found out through testing breastmilk in laboratories.

 

I was just asking if you'd seen any other scientific findings that disagreed with it to make you reject the new findings they've discovered present in breastmilk. It's curious to me that you'd reject it straight-out (and you did allude to getting your science from other sources), but I do understand you're not interested in it!

[Batya33]

I do not agree that it's harder for a woman to produce enough to nurse a boy vs. a girl. I don't think gender factors into that situation. That's what I do not agree with. I know if that were true I would know about it as established science from wide sources because of my exposure to knowledge in this area. Hope that clarifies and hope you're having a great weekend!

[maritalbliss86]

I do not agree that it's harder for a woman to produce enough to nurse a boy vs. a girl. I don't think gender factors into that situation. That's what I do not agree with. I know if that were true I would know about it as established science from wide sources because of my exposure to knowledge in this area. Hope that clarifies and hope you're having a great weekend!

 

LOL Ok the haard thing is that not many scientists are interested in researching breastmilk, but hopefully as they continue it will become better known.

[maritalbliss86]

My husband has had an interesting few months... a huge event happened that he was charged with needing to clear up and figure out, this was months ago. He had to appear before several of his superiors, including the man highest up (who is known to be not easy to deal with... he fires people for very little).

 

Anyway, my husband did extremely well... he was able to please even the highest up man (who frankly, scares a lot of people). His superiors already love him and highly respect him because not only does he work hard, he has impeccable character and they can trust him beyond a doubt!

 

They actually gave him the honor (!!!) of a small promotion where he'll be getting a few hundred extra in pay each month! So I ordered some food from one of his favorite restaurants and we celebrated that night and played games with our kids. I'm very very proud of him.

 

He's also gotten a lot of help in his personal life with his family by going to counseling. This last meeting he had, he talked for 2 hours and the counselor made him feel much better. He's done all he can in regard to his family, they are the ones with the problem. It was very sad to hear my husband telling me everything. It made HIM feel good, but it made me almost cry thinking about how awful his family is to him (including his brother and sister). The counselor is helping him to realize that they've always basically ganged up on him. It's helping him to see them in a true light, which is very sad.

 

It's ironic!!! Their behavior is to try to force him to get closer to them, but they go about it in such a wrong way, that they actually are pushing him (and our kids) away from them. At least he felt really great when he came back... much more confident in hearing a professional help him to sort it all out.

[Seraphim]

My husband just ignores his family’s abuse and nuttery as he says they are never in this lifetime going to change so why knock myself out over it ? Makes sense.

 

Congrats on the promotion.

[maritalbliss86]

My husband just ignores his family’s abuse and nuttery as he says they are never in this lifetime going to change so why knock myself out over it ? Makes sense.

 

Congrats on the promotion.

 

What did you both decide to do for your son though? Was he able to have a normal relationship with them?

 

I must be so naive... I thought at least our kids could have a normal relationship with them, but it's turned out to be a lot more complicated than that. My husband has to protect our kids from his dad (and his mom because she sometimes says really nasty things and actually hurt our oldest last year).

 

I guess I'm the one with the problem asking myself... Why can't they just be normal?

[Seraphim]

What did you both decide to do for your son though? Was he able to have a normal relationship with them?

 

I must be so naive... I thought at least our kids could have a normal relationship with them, but it's turned out to be a lot more complicated than that. My husband has to protect our kids from his dad (and his mom because she sometimes says really nasty things and actually hurt our oldest last year).

 

I guess I'm the one with the problem asking myself... Why can't they just be normal?

The very few times he was alone with his grandparents were unmitigated disasters. I have some threads on here about that. Eventually he just only went with us. Now of course he’s an adult and can make his own choice. But his grandfather ( 88) he can no longer see as he is dying in the hospital of Parkinson’s very slow death he’s been there more than a year but we are not able to visit he’s only allowed two visitors which are his wife and his daughter. My husband can’t even go to see his own father. And his nanny, well she’s 86 years old, there’s not much she can do to him, for him or about him. I’m just glad he’s no longer a child because they weren’t really that good to him. I remember my father-in-law saying,” bring him back when he doesn’t have a diaper, a bottle and he can talk to me.” I remember him telling me I was disgusting for breast-feeding. And my son was always treated like a nuisance. But I’m sure that’s how he treated his own son. But my son loves his grandparents to death and doesn’t let me speak ill of them which I don’t often do in his presence.

[maritalbliss86]

The very few times he was alone with his grandparents were unmitigated disasters. I have some threads on here about that. Eventually he just only went with us. Now of course he’s an adult and can make his own choice. But his grandfather ( 88) he can no longer see as he is dying in the hospital of Parkinson’s very slow death he’s been there more than a year but we are not able to visit he’s only allowed two visitors which are his wife and his daughter. My husband can’t even go to see his own father. And his nanny, well she’s 86 years old, there’s not much she can do to him, for him or about him. I’m just glad he’s no longer a child because they weren’t really that good to him. I remember my father-in-law saying,” bring him back when he doesn’t have a diaper, a bottle and he can talk to me.” I remember him telling me I was disgusting for breast-feeding. And my son was always treated like a nuisance. But I’m sure that’s how he treated his own son. But my son loves his grandparents to death and doesn’t let me speak ill of them which I don’t often do in his presence.

 

Wow. I'm so sorry, Seraphim. That must be so hard on him with the hospital restrictions, ugh

 

Parkinson's is such a cruel disease... my Uncle died of it, so I had to watch him struggle many years of his life. I'm glad your son was able to find meaning in loving them from his own heart... very touching.

 

And yes, it's hard when they're kids and you have to protect them... I have some anger over this because I feel like, "Hey, Y'all are adults... you shouldn't be acting this way. We shouldn't have to supervise your visits IDIOTS!"

[maritalbliss86]

Wow. I'm so sorry, Seraphim. That must be so hard on him with the hospital restrictions, ugh

 

Parkinson's is such a cruel disease... my Uncle died of it, so I had to watch him struggle many years of his life. I'm glad your son was able to find meaning in loving them from his own heart... very touching.

 

And yes, it's hard when they're kids and you have to protect them... I have some anger over this because I feel like, "Hey, Y'all are adults... you shouldn't be acting this way. We shouldn't have to supervise your visits IDIOTS!"

(Edited to add, of course I'd never say that, but that's the frustrated sentiment)

[Seraphim]

Wow. I'm so sorry, Seraphim. That must be so hard on him with the hospital restrictions, ugh

 

Parkinson's is such a cruel disease... my Uncle died of it, so I had to watch him struggle many years of his life. I'm glad your son was able to find meaning in loving them from his own heart... very touching.

 

And yes, it's hard when they're kids and you have to protect them... I have some anger over this because I feel like, "Hey, Y'all are adults... you shouldn't be acting this way. We shouldn't have to supervise your visits IDIOTS!"

Yup , my son was more adult than they were when he was a kid. They already hate me so he wasn’t going to fair well. And they already considered their son less than their daughter.

 

I’m just glad we are close to the end of this crap. The crazy crap is all over for my family as my father and my grandfather are gone.

[Batya33]

Congrats to your husband on his raise and accolades ! I guess I had low expectations of grandparents. Not because they weren’t awesome but because I never felt entitled to having grandparents care for my child. On a practical level they couldn’t. When we had our son three of them were disabled and my mom who is not disabled cared for my dad. They were all in their late 70s or older and we relocated hundreds of miles away when our son was five months old. We did live in our former city every summer for the first couple of years. My mother would have loved to babysit but once he was a toddler she knew she couldn’t lift him if needed so she didn’t want to be alone with him. I remember once lol I was at their house- where I grew up - and asked my mom to watch him while I used the restroom. He was 2 and loved my mom. But he waited outside the closed bathroom door until I got out. Another time he had a cold and my sister came over. Also awesome person with kids. My child was around 2 or less. I asked her to watch him for five minutes while I went to get the laundry. My sister wore all her kids constantly so she scooped him up and carried him around to cheer him up. Nope. He bawled the entire time and when I got back - tears dry up and all sniffly smiles. Too funny. I don’t relate at all to parents who feel entitled to family members providing free child care on any regular basis. I do love that my mother loves her fifth grandson and my in-laws loved him to the moon and back - their only grandchild. I mean the love was palpable and the memories are just the best. I hope your husband resolves his issues and or gets peace with his family. You all deserve that so very much and I am so sorry for your challenges and struggles. I’ll add that struggles spell checked to truffles. So, I hope you also have truffles. !!

[Seraphim]

I don’t think it is entitlement, but expecting your child to be treated with respect and love. I NEVER wanted my in-laws to care for my son . I saw the crap job they did with their own son. I was lucky my mom was only 51 when my son was born younger than I am now. And my in-laws were in their mid-60s. And they were very able-bodied at the time. However, I didn’t want them looking after my son in the first place as they were horrendous to their own child.

 

My son is also my in-laws only grandchild. And he is now one of 16 on my side.

[Batya33]

I don’t think it is entitlement, but expecting your child to be treated with respect and love. I NEVER wanted my in-laws to care for my son . I saw the crap job they did with their own son. I was lucky my mom was only 51 when my son was born younger than I am now. And my in-laws were in their mid-60s. And they were very able-bodied at the time. However, I didn’t want them looking after my son in the first place as they were horrendous to their own child.

 

My son is also my in-laws only grandchild. And he is now one of 16 on my side.

 

My mom has 4 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren in addition to our son. I know of many parents who feel they are entitled to have the grandparents help. Rubs me the wrong way. In my mid thirties I thought for a very short period of time of being a single mother by choice and my mom was very honest with me and said she feared because of her age that if I did that she wouldn't be able to help me. I didn't pursue single mom by choice for other reasons but I really appreciated her honesty.

[Seraphim]

My mom has 4 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren in addition to our son. I know of many parents who feel they are entitled to have the grandparents help. Rubs me the wrong way. In my mid thirties I thought for a very short period of time of being a single mother by choice and my mom was very honest with me and said she feared because of her age that if I did that she wouldn't be able to help me. I didn't pursue single mom by choice for other reasons but I really appreciated her honesty.

My mom looked after my son daily while I went to work but I paid her the daily home day home rate. When he got older she did before school care. But she rarely did care for fun stuff. She wanted to care for him though . We both didn’t want him in anybody else’s care .

 

But I didn’t want my in-laws with him alone. The only reason he ever spent any time with them alone was because his father wanted it.

 

He was never with my dad alone, ever.

[Batya33]

My mom looked after my son daily while I went to work but I paid her the daily home day home rate. When he got older she did before school care. But she rarely did care for fun stuff. She wanted to care for him though . We both didn’t want him in anybody else’s care .

 

But I didn’t want my in-laws with him alone. The only reason he ever spent any time with them alone was because his father wanted it.

 

He was never with my dad alone, ever.

 

I'm so glad you had your mom's help. It helped that we knew as soon as we started trying to conceive that we wouldn't have help from the grandparents despite them wanting to -so, no expectations.

[maritalbliss86]

I don’t think it is entitlement, but expecting your child to be treated with respect and love. I NEVER wanted my in-laws to care for my son . I saw the crap job they did with their own son. I was lucky my mom was only 51 when my son was born younger than I am now. And my in-laws were in their mid-60s. And they were very able-bodied at the time. However, I didn’t want them looking after my son in the first place as they were horrendous to their own child.

 

My son is also my in-laws only grandchild. And he is now one of 16 on my side.

 

Thank you, Seraphim, yes, this.

[maritalbliss86]

Thank you, Batya, I think he will get the issues resolved. This counselor/psychologist is brilliant. I saw him 5 years ago and then again recently for my own anxiety issues, and even just one session is mind-blowing with the things he helps one see. It feels like having terrible vision, and then he places the correct eye-glasses on and everything is suddenly very clear and you feel a million times better. Very strange.

 

But thank you.

[Batya33]

Thank you, Batya, I think he will get the issues resolved. This counselor/psychologist is brilliant. I saw him 5 years ago and then again recently for my own anxiety issues, and even just one session is mind-blowing with the things he helps one see. It feels like having terrible vision, and then he places the correct eye-glasses on and everything is suddenly very clear and you feel a million times better. Very strange.

 

But thank you.

 

That is wonderful. What an endorsement of his skills!!!

[maritalbliss86]

I can't figure out this new set-up. It looks great, though, not complaining, I'm sure I will eventually get used to it... someday 🤣

[LaHermes]

MB. It takes some figuring out. But surprisingly I got my avatar pic up fairly quickly. 

Best not to complain lol. 

[maritalbliss86]

Going to be driving all night long with the littles (last 2 kids) and husband will be driving with the older two in his truck.  Hoping I have enough caffeine for this journey 🤪 We're nutty for even attempting this!

I love night-driving though... so adventurous and yet very peaceful.  We should get to our place early tomorrow morning, just in time to see a gorgeous sunrise.

We'll have walkie-talkies because we're children 😄 wanting to communicate easier and have something fun for the kids to talk as well.

🙀love these emojis!!!!  I could do random post after post of just emojis and be incredibly happy LOL.  

[maritalbliss86]

😹🙀😸😍🙈

LOL

These are great!!!!

[Jibralta]

Where are you guys going?

I drove around with walkie talkies this summer, while surveying. It was stupidly fun.

Also, I'm really psyched to discover this strikethrough option.