How Do You Balance Life with Kids?

[LaHermes]

"The American Psychological Association defines passive-aggressive personality disorder "a personality disorder of long standing in which ambivalence toward the self and others is expressed by such means as procrastination, dawdling, stubbornness, intentional inefficiency, 'forgetting' appointments, or misplacing important materials." 

"A passive-aggressive person may become extremely difficult to deal with once confronted, so cope by remembering that their behavior stems from their inability to recognize their own weaknesses and their unhealthy coping mechanism to blame others for their failures.  "

(From an Article in Insider)

https://www.insider.com/how-to-deal-with-passive-aggressive-people-2018-10

 

[maritalbliss86]

10 hours ago, LaHermes said:

"The American Psychological Association defines passive-aggressive personality disorder "a personality disorder of long standing in which ambivalence toward the self and others is expressed by such means as procrastination, dawdling, stubbornness, intentional inefficiency, 'forgetting' appointments, or misplacing important materials." 

"A passive-aggressive person may become extremely difficult to deal with once confronted, so cope by remembering that their behavior stems from their inability to recognize their own weaknesses and their unhealthy coping mechanism to blame others for their failures.  "

(From an Article in Insider)

https://www.insider.com/how-to-deal-with-passive-aggressive-people-2018-10

 

Wow LH !  I really haven't researched it at all... was going to wait until I can go see my wonderful psychologist to get his take on what to do or how to successfully manage them well (for myself... my husband's going to do that on his own).  But thank you for this.

I didn't know it was a personality disorder.  Those don't just, "go away," or anything.  Makes me wonder what he's going to say... what does this mean for the long-term.  

[maritalbliss86]

On 12/28/2020 at 11:20 AM, Seraphim said:

It might be good he cuts them out but there is a price for that too, not just for him , but your kids as well. So really really think about it. You can have limited contact.

I'm hoping that limited contact will work out. 👍

 

[Seraphim]

24 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I'm hoping that limited contact will work out. 👍

 

I had very limited contact with my father since I was 24. Mostly due to him not giving a crap and me not wanting to be abused anymore. So almost 30 years when he passed. 
 

I missed my entire adulthood with my father. He saw my son and my son saw him maybe 30 times in their lives . Is it probably a good thing? Mostly likely , yes. I pay an enormous emotional price for that and my dad paid a bigger one in all aspects of his life. I can’t go over that price now because it is too raw but believe me when I tell you prices are paid and it is not just the guilty party. 

[Seraphim]

I will tell you to that even abused children love their parents as deeply as those children who aren’t abused. 
 

Now that my father has passed and I bought a ring to symbolize him with the insurance money that I was left my mother has been irritated at me saying that I have raised him to Saint status. Not true. Was he a good person ? Nope. Was he evil? Yup. Was he sane? Nope. Was he human and abused himself? Yes. Was he still my father? Yes ,absolutely. I also wouldn’t be me if he wasn’t him even as horrible as he was. 
 

so remember that about your husband he does love his parents just as much as anyone who was raised by loving parents. 

[maritalbliss86]

30 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I will tell you to that even abused children love their parents as deeply as those children who aren’t abused. 
 

Now that my father has passed and I bought a ring to symbolize him with the insurance money that I was left my mother has been irritated at me saying that I have raised him to Saint status. Not true. Was he a good person ? Nope. Was he evil? Yup. Was he sane? Nope. Was he human and abused himself? Yes. Was he still my father? Yes ,absolutely. I also wouldn’t be me if he wasn’t him even as horrible as he was. 
 

so remember that about your husband he does love his parents just as much as anyone who was raised by loving parents. 

It makes sense, Seraphim.  I hope we can honor them, and yet protect ourselves.  Find some kind of working balance.

But yes, I understand how tragic it is to love parents that were abusive.  My mom had that and so she helps me understand that point of view a lot (we're very close ❤️) so while I don't understand it completely, I do accept it's there and can't change.

[maritalbliss86]

39 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I pay an enormous emotional price for that and my dad paid a bigger one in all aspects of his life. I can’t go over that price now because it is too raw but believe me when I tell you prices are paid and it is not just the guilty party. 

You're such a beautiful soul, Seraphim!!  I feel like counseling with a really good therapist would probably help you process those feelings and release them.  

To me, you deserve to find healing ❤️ 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

You're such a beautiful soul, Seraphim!!  I feel like counseling with a really good therapist would probably help you process those feelings and release them.  

To me, you deserve to find healing ❤️ 

I have had a lot of therapy including EMDR for trauma , but it doesn’t totally erase one’s past . 
 

Thank you for the compliment. ❤️

[maritalbliss86]

Last night was fun with the kids.  Everything is just so much more magical through their eyes ❤️❤️❤️ makes my heart so full to see them experience beautiful things.

The fireworks, of course, meant I didn't get good sleep even on top of the regular sleep deprivation, BUT it was so worth it, and worth the experience of staying up with the kids and having fun. 

I want them to have memories of love and happiness together with us, especially on holidays like this, and especially during a difficult, miserable year where they felt isolated and couldn't be around their friends and see so much badness in the world.

Hopefully it teaches them resilience, to look for and find the beautiful things about life, even if there doesn't seem to be anything at that moment.  There are always things to be thankful for, and I've found that in having gratitude, we find our greater sense of purpose and fulfillment.

I also thought about all the people (my grandparents especially and great-grandparents etc.) who aren't here anymore, how they didn't get to see most of our kids (only one was really alive and lucid enough to appreciate our oldest when he was a baby) and she loved him so much!  

I though of the stories I've been told about a couple of my great-grandma's, how inspiring they were, how much I can't wait to see them all when I die.  One of my great-great grandmothers was especially inspiring... so much so that her oldest two boys ended up writing a small book about her and her husband's life.  Their kids really looked up to them and wanted to pass that information on (their struggles, their victories, what life was like back in the 1800's for them and the cities they lived in, etc.).  It was really smart of them to leave a booklet, otherwise we'd have no idea what their personal struggles were etc.  As a descendent, I'm very grateful... it actually helps me have a better long-term perspective I think, to see their journeys and see so many parallels in our journey.  

Sometimes during moments like last night, I feel REALLY connected to these people who have passed on... in a sad, bittersweet and yet positive kind of way.  I know they're all up there, waiting for us, to receive us with open arms when we die.  And part of me can't wait, even though of course it's not time yet.

 

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Hopefully it teaches them resilience, to look for and find the beautiful things about life, even if there doesn't seem to be anything at that moment.  There are always things to be thankful for, and I've found that in having gratitude, we find our greater sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Absolutely, MB! And there are always beautiful things in life. Always. 

Two of my maternal great grand-aunts departed for the USA around 1855/60.  They were around 20/21. We only recently managed to locate a photo of one of them. They travelled all across the USA, took it all in their stride (the things they must have seen and experienced!) and their descendants live now in California. 

 

Again, a very Happy New Year to you and yours, MB.

[Seraphim]

One of my mom’s cousins did a history of the family dating back to the 1200’s. But I think his son has the book since mom’s cousin passed a few years ago and his eldest child, his daughter pre-deceased her father. ( she died being struck by a car walking along the side of a road. She was a playwright here in Canada)

But my mom’s family has been in Canada for 403 years and my dad was a first generation Canadian. His dad was born in the UK. My husband is also a first generation Canadian. His parents are from the Uk as well and they immigrated to Canada in 1960. 
 

But my mom’s family came in 1617 and 1653. My mom’s family came from France. We are Acadian as opposed to Québécois. So we speak a different dialect of French. 

[maritalbliss86]

On 1/1/2021 at 11:08 AM, LaHermes said:

Absolutely, MB! And there are always beautiful things in life. Always. 

Two of my maternal great grand-aunts departed for the USA around 1855/60.  They were around 20/21. We only recently managed to locate a photo of one of them. They travelled all across the USA, took it all in their stride (the things they must have seen and experienced!) and their descendants live now in California. 

 

Again, a very Happy New Year to you and yours, MB.

That is so fascinating, LH, wow!!!  

And finding pictures is even more intriguing to me.  Helps one imagine the people they really were, to be able to visualize their faces ❤️  Thanks for commenting this!

[maritalbliss86]

On 1/1/2021 at 11:17 AM, Seraphim said:

One of my mom’s cousins did a history of the family dating back to the 1200’s. But I think his son has the book since mom’s cousin passed a few years ago and his eldest child, his daughter pre-deceased her father. ( she died being struck by a car walking along the side of a road. She was a playwright here in Canada)

But my mom’s family has been in Canada for 403 years and my dad was a first generation Canadian. His dad was born in the UK. My husband is also a first generation Canadian. His parents are from the Uk as well and they immigrated to Canada in 1960. 
 

But my mom’s family came in 1617 and 1653. My mom’s family came from France. We are Acadian as opposed to Québécois. So we speak a different dialect of French. 

I wish their was a, "Wow!" reaction, Seraphim, all of that is just WOW!  

That work delving into family history that far back is precious... very time consuming and difficult because of records and mistakes, etc.  My mom's done a lot of that work herself, and she found it very hard, but also so very rewarding.  

And yes, writers are often so distracted they step out in front of vehicles, etc.  I think the woman who wrote Gone with the Wind died that way also.  Makes me wonder if she was distracted thinking about a sequel or another work... just too much inside her head to notice the cars.

I've done stuff like that in the past, where I was so focused on my inner thoughts I literally stepped in front of a car.  My best friend from childhood actually grabbed my jacket one time and (I think) saved my life!  

Anyway... all of your family history was interesting to read, Seraphim, thank you!

[maritalbliss86]

Last night we finished watching the end of a Survivor season and WOW  it is so much fun to watch!!!!!  I admit some of the people can be extremely annoying and their petty fights are ridiculous (granted they're starving and on edge mentally/emotionally/physically), but there's just something about the competitive aspect that is so much fun to watch!!!

Anyway... we finished the one with the Villains vs/ Heroes ❤️  Ugh it was so good!!!!  So many great players to admire! 

For the girls, Parvati is just a triple threat! ❤️ Her social aspect of the game was on point, she has beauty and then her athleticism was just awe-inspiring!!!  I loved Candice (probably the most beautiful out there objectively) and Jerri also, some of the other girls were just catty - ugh yuck!  

For the men... Rupert was so so sweet!  And Coach was so inspiring ❤️.  His speech at the end is what made us even more inspired to stop watching and just start using that time to work out together again.  He reminds me of an older version of my husband... cool, calm, collected and annoyingly handsome LOL.  I joke, but I also do find it annoying how men can be so attractive when older 😂 like it's totally not fair at all, but it's ok.

We were both so inspired to get into shape again that we made a pact the other night that once we finished this one, we'd set aside time each night to workout and train again like we used to!  Very excited about this... we don't really look too out shape, but we both know we are internally and in lack of muscle.  We both used to be athletic and competitive and somehow watching their athleticism was so inspiring... it almost triggers a craving for me personally... to be back at that level of competitive fitness!  I know for me I'm so excited to get back into the best shape possible! 

**picture me jumping up and down with excitement**

 

[maritalbliss86]

Curiously I left out Russell.  How could I do that?!? LOL

He's known now as a, "Super Villain," and boy is he some kind of crazy.  I get it though, he almost won that way, but in the end, he had crossed too many people, and crossed the line too many times... No one would vote for him in the end.  So he missed the 1 million reward.

The psychology behind all of it is interesting to me, and yet sometimes very frustrating to watch.  I definitely enjoy the athleticism far more with their challenges they face, rather than the petty fights and craziness going on in the groups psychologically.

[maritalbliss86]

5 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

we made a pact the other night that once we finished this one, we'd set aside time each night to workout and train again like we used to!

I really am looking forward to this. Some of our best memories together have been training together throughout the years off and on.

He trained me back into shape after our first baby (and exercised with me!), which I thought was remarkable.  

 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I really am looking forward to this. Some of our best memories together have been training together throughout the years off and on.

He trained me back into shape after our first baby (and exercised with me!), which I thought was remarkable.  

 

That's awesome that you enjoy doing that! Over the years I've become more and more attached in every way to working out alone. Love the me time, love pushing myself -alone - love losing myself in my radio/podcasts (used to be music).  The good thing is about 3 years ago my husband resumed his power walking without my having to 'nag" him.  He used to do brisk walking including with friends and colleagues but then stopped.  Now he does it daily.  He most likely would not be able to keep up with me so I'm glad we're not attempting this (also no sitter or help with kids so that was another obstacle).  I know of couples who enjoy working out together and lately my husband is the one who takes my son out on walks/bike rides -since covid no more playgrounds or playing in the park with friends.  

We're on totally different schedules too.  He works till late in the night, I'm an early morning person.  

[itsallgrand]

My SO and I enjoy doing casual physical activities together, it's a big part of how we spend our time together. 

But working out together? Lol. We tried, it was a bust. He's fine, and would happily do it, it's all me! I just don't like it, I love having that part be just me. It's not just him, I don't enjoy group or friend workouts either. Just casual shared activity with no goal achieving. 

It's the one place I get weirdly competitive. I will gas myself out trying to keep up, even if the other person is way more advanced in a certain area than me. 

 

[maritalbliss86]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That's awesome that you enjoy doing that! Over the years I've become more and more attached in every way to working out alone. Love the me time, love pushing myself -alone - love losing myself in my radio/podcasts (used to be music).  The good thing is about 3 years ago my husband resumed his power walking without my having to 'nag" him.  He used to do brisk walking including with friends and colleagues but then stopped.  Now he does it daily.  He most likely would not be able to keep up with me so I'm glad we're not attempting this (also no sitter or help with kids so that was another obstacle).  I know of couples who enjoy working out together and lately my husband is the one who takes my son out on walks/bike rides -since covid no more playgrounds or playing in the park with friends.  

We're on totally different schedules too.  He works till late in the night, I'm an early morning person.  

I understand, Batya, I used to love working out alone, I've just been not prioritizing the time recently well enough.  But for years, my husband had a schedule where it was only possible to work out at the same time together sporadically (a few months each time, never a long-term thing).  His schedule will probably change again, but for now we have evenings together so we're going to do this after the kids are in bed.  Fingers crossed 🤞

That's sweet he takes your son out, I know you've said that before, but he sounds like a very good father.

[maritalbliss86]

2 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

My SO and I enjoy doing casual physical activities together, it's a big part of how we spend our time together. 

But working out together? Lol. We tried, it was a bust. He's fine, and would happily do it, it's all me! I just don't like it, I love having that part be just me. It's not just him, I don't enjoy group or friend workouts either. Just casual shared activity with no goal achieving. 

It's the one place I get weirdly competitive. I will gas myself out trying to keep up, even if the other person is way more advanced in a certain area than me. 

 

Aw that is good though you enjoy doing casual things together 😃.  We would love to go walking together, or something casual... we used to do that back when dating and early on and even when we had our first child, but wow does it get hard to all go out walking together.  

I take the kids out during the day, though, and somehow that's not as hard as going out altogether as a family.  They seem to act more excited and unpredictable with my husband there lol... 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I understand, Batya, I used to love working out alone, I've just been not prioritizing the time recently well enough.  But for years, my husband had a schedule where it was only possible to work out at the same time together sporadically (a few months each time, never a long-term thing).  His schedule will probably change again, but for now we have evenings together so we're going to do this after the kids are in bed.  Fingers crossed 🤞

That's sweet he takes your son out, I know you've said that before, but he sounds like a very good father.

He's a very good parent yes!  You know I did used to enjoy fitness classes many years ago but that's also different from working out with a spouse.  Different dynamic.  So kind of random but try to find the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where he gets  jealous of his wife going to this fitness class with a hot male instructor so he crashes the class one day and tries to join in.  It is HYSTERICAL.  I cannot work out at night.  I used to when I was working full time before I got married/had a child.  I mean I could in an emergency but for me early morning is best including for my um digestion issues.  I'm glad you'll be able to work out with your husband!

[maritalbliss86]

I used to love watching Everybody Loves Raymond!!!!!  LOL that show was so funny!!!!  I'll have to look up that episode somehow, thank you for suggesting it!

And yea I don't know how we're able to workout at night, it sounds counterintuitive, but I've had to do that off and on for years, just because it was easier after the kids were asleep.  

[maritalbliss86]

Our workouts went great!  We both do our own thing because honestly our bodies require totally different training styles, but we do it together in the same room.  I love working out, but a part of me hates feeling how out of shape my body is (for weight-lifting and high intensity things).  But this is why we're starting....

It's exciting, and depressing lol.  I pulled out a notebook from a couple of years ago when I really wanted to lose the weight from our 3rd baby, and I tracked everything so that I'd have a record of it because it was working fast.  30 pounds in less than 2 months... only working out 4 days a week, with 3 wonderful off-days to relax and replenish and not worry about exercise.

....

30% of my food being protein is the best % it seemed in order to lose weight and build muscle the quickest.

Fat can be anywhere between 30grams to 50 grams per day (I can't remember what % that is of the total, but that's fairly low).  

And carbs range to fill in.  Some days it looks more like a keto style diet, but I can't sustain myself throughout the week like that with these kinds of workouts, so some days have more healthy carbs like sweet potatoes etc.

Anyway... it was so odd... apparently I started at the same weight and on the same day as last time two years ago.  It will be interesting to see if my body responds the same again, or if it's different/harder this time.

[Seraphim]

My husband and I love that show ! We have all the seasons on DVD. 

[maritalbliss86]

16 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My husband and I love that show ! We have all the seasons on DVD. 

Survivor?  Or Everybody Loves Raymond?