Husband chose sister’s feelings over mine

[Cherylyn]

Your husband should be your staunchest ally in the best case scenario. I agree, because I too am married and would naturally expect my husband to always be in alignment with me as my moral support.

 

Having said that, if you cannot resolve this issue with your husband, I wouldn't want to attend any family function involving your sister-in-law (SIL) anyway. I have better things to do with my precious time.

 

Sometimes there needs to be a compromise in marriage especially when there is discord and animosity with in-laws. I say let him go to his niece or nephew's birthday parties. You don't need to partake. Why make yourself uncomfortable, unhappy and nervous? While he's at the party or family gathering, you do something else such as exercise, watch a movie, read a book, take a nap, go shopping, be with a friend, meet for a meal, chat with a friend on the phone or whatever. Think of it as a break for yourself. You don't have to do everything together family or no family. I don't like everyone on both sides of the family tree and there were times when either spouse attended an event separately and everyone was satisfied. Do whatever it takes to keep the peace. You can't make everyone happy all the time. There are sacrifices in marriage and I think it's reasonable that he can be with his family while you do your own thing.

 

I have an awful brother-in-law (BIL). There were many times when he was deliberately not in attendance at various family gatherings much to my relief and delight! I felt absolutely giddy whenever he was a no-show because I could relax and have a good time. I did not feel tense. I felt secure and quite content. Or, there were times when my sons attended a family event without me and I savored every minute of my "me time" to the hilt.

 

Even though I like my mother-in-law (MIL) to a certain point, I can only take her in small doses. There was a time when my husband and sons traveled with my MIL, father-in-law (FIL) and my husband's aunt and uncle. They were on vacation for four days. I had the most glorious four days to myself at home and enjoyed my break immensely.

 

Turn this around to your benefit, favor and advantage. However, don't explain anything to your husband. Don't argue nor fight. Be smart. Become an astute and shrewd person. Don your best poker face. Learn how to quietly enjoy your independence and your own free time. Your husband is happy to be with his sister, you're happy because you'll have time for yourself and it's a win win situation. None is the wiser. Attending family gatherings is often times way overrated.

[FenixReborn]

His choice in this case is family vs marriage. It's a no win scenario. Yes, you should stand by your spouse. But family are the ones who stood by you throughout your life. If they don't get alone, you will have someone angry with you no matter what you do. However, you seem to be willing to forgive his actions and be more reasonable, so making you upset is the lesser evil. That's not good for you and is honestly a messed up situation all the way around.

 

There seems to be a number of issues between the two of you that has gone on for some time. If they continue to happen and you are miserable, what is keeping you there? Is this the life you really want to be living? The constant buildup of stress is not healthy and will cause you damage in the long term. Is there a way you can spread out your education? Take the classes you can afford now and work on the degree over a longer period of time? Is financial aid a possibility? As long as you are with the same people, the same issues will continue. If he is not willing to listen to your concerns, he won't change or make it better. So the only person you can control is yourself. You need to take actions to look out for yourself and make you happy.

[Celine2]

I do not agree at all with the divorce advice given here... I am with Cherylyn...

[Marshmellow12]

His choice in this case is family vs marriage. It's a no win scenario. Yes, you should stand by your spouse. But family are the ones who stood by you throughout your life. If they don't get alone, you will have someone angry with you no matter what you do. However, you seem to be willing to forgive his actions and be more reasonable, so making you upset is the lesser evil. That's not good for you and is honestly a messed up situation all the way around.

 

There seems to be a number of issues between the two of you that has gone on for some time. If they continue to happen and you are miserable, what is keeping you there? Is this the life you really want to be living? The constant buildup of stress is not healthy and will cause you damage in the long term. Is there a way you can spread out your education? Take the classes you can afford now and work on the degree over a longer period of time? Is financial aid a possibility? As long as you are with the same people, the same issues will continue. If he is not willing to listen to your concerns, he won't change or make it better. So the only person you can control is yourself. You need to take actions to look out for yourself and make you happy.

 

The school post is a really old one. I finished my masters degree over a year ago. That problem is no longer a problem lol.

[Marshmellow12]

There's always student aid...

 

There seem to be a lot of issues with his family and you're not fitting in. I'm finding it really hard to believe that so many people could be against you. What is going on?? It's like a twilight zone there or they appear like aliens to you or treat you as one. I can't imagine your stress levels on a daily basis.

 

I wouldn’t say that these people are “against me”. Except his sister, she’s definitely against me because I’m closer to her mom than she is. But she’s mean to her mom... so of course I’m closer. His cousins do seem to like me but it’s their personality to talk negative about everyone especially people who have nicer things than them. It’s weird. I’m sure they do talk negative about my husband and I but I don’t care that much because I know they talk about everyone and are just jealous.

[Marshmellow12]

I do not agree at all with the divorce advice given here... I am with Cherylyn...

 

Thanks. Yeah, I don’t either lol. The answer to every problem can’t be divorce.

[Marshmellow12]

The same problems of disrespect have been going on for years. Why would you expect anything to change? Either accept that this dynamic will continue, or YOU can make some changes. Complaining about things does not make things better, action does.

 

How can I change it though?

[Hollyj]

The school post is a really old one. I finished my masters degree over a year ago. That problem is no longer a problem lol.

 

I realized that. I was trying to show you that the problems of disrespect have been ongoing. I think it is interesting that you think it is funny, instead of recognizing how your marriage has been, all along. I do not think is funny, but sad.

[Hollyj]

How can I change it though?

 

It won't because it is who he is. You either accept it, or you don't.

 

I suggest that you go back and read through all of your threads.

[Wiseman2]

You don't have to get divorced. But you do have to respect your husband's relationship with his family whether you like them or not.

You don't have to socialize with them if you don't want to. However your husband has every right to stay in touch with whatever family members he wants to.

 

When you try to sever someone's family, you're on a slippery slope. Making him take sides is creating strife and drama.

 

Leave him and his family business to him.

[Cherylyn]

I do not agree at all with the divorce advice given here... I am with Cherylyn...

 

Thank you, Celine2.

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn’t say that these people are “against me”. Except his sister, she’s definitely against me because I’m closer to her mom than she is. But she’s mean to her mom... so of course I’m closer. His cousins do seem to like me but it’s their personality to talk negative about everyone especially people who have nicer things than them. It’s weird. I’m sure they do talk negative about my husband and I but I don’t care that much because I know they talk about everyone and are just jealous.

 

I've been married for a long time, I have children and several in-laws whom I don't admire. In fact, I have a few in-laws whom I vehemently despise.

 

I love my siblings. However, my sister will always defend her meal ticket so unfortunately, due to her second awful husband, I steer clear.

 

When our paths cross, my husband, sons and I are all civil towards those whom we're not fond of. We keep the peace. This doesn't mean we love nor gush over them. We're simply peaceful people, well mannered and keep it that. No more, no less. This demeanor is not to be confused with being close nor chummy though. We're polite yet maintain a safe distance. Also, we don't intertwine ourselves with social media nor electronic communication with them either. We're more like acquaintances which is safer!

 

I can empathize with you.

 

The question you need to ask yourself at the end of the day is this: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Of course, it's the principle of the matter. I get that. In this life and marriage in particular, divorce isn't the quick easy fix it answer. A lot of times you have to make sacrifices and adjustments in order to compromise and create a happy medium for everyone. It's called enforcing healthy boundaries with others and for yourself.

 

As for your SIL, pretend she's dead. That's how I think regarding certain people in my life. Don't deal, interact, interface nor give certain unworthy people the time of day. They're not worth wasting your time, energy and brain space. You are more important. Treat yourself better and be kind to yourself. And, since she's against you, make yourself unavailable to her. Be a no-show. Never place yourself in an uncomfortable, unpleasant atmosphere. Do your disappearing act. Let your husband visit his sister while you're nowhere to be found. You don't need to be there. It's so unnecessary. Why set yourself up for a miserable time? Protect yourself.

 

I always feel that I don't care what people do or say as long as it does not involve ME. I'm happy as a clam as long as I'm not there! They can do whatever they want, say whatever they want or do anything disdainful while I take a nap!

 

Whether it's family or other social settings with whomever, everyone has the right to decide if they wish to associate or not, attend or decline. It's your freedom of your choice so take it!

 

I have a sister-in-law (SIL) and mother-in-law (MIL) who have chronic, incurable "mouth defects." I've heard so many snide comments spewed in my direction whether about others or about me! When I was younger, at first I became extremely irritated, offended and stewed over their disrespect for years! I don't do that anymore. Nowadays, I take it as a signal that their personalities and characters have a dark side. I no longer psycho analyze their envy, jealousy nor insecurities anymore. The easiest answer is to simply stay away. Avoid people whom you don't like. Avoid people who don't care for you, treat you with kindness, consideration nor respect you.

 

There were so many times when my husband visited his family and same with my sons while I stayed home and worked on my various crafts and hobbies. Everyone was happy and most of all, I took a less optimal family relationship situation and transformed it into my favor, benefit and advantage. You ought to try it, Marshmellow12.

 

You can't control situations, relations and what other people do. However, you can control and alter yourself while making yourself happy. Change the way you think and you will find peace from within.

[Marshmellow12]

I've been married for a long time, I have children and several in-laws whom I don't admire. In fact, I have a few in-laws whom I vehemently despise.

 

I love my siblings. However, my sister will always defend her meal ticket so unfortunately, due to her second awful husband, I steer clear.

 

When our paths cross, my husband, sons and I are all civil towards those whom we're not fond of. We keep the peace. This doesn't mean we love nor gush over them. We're simply peaceful people, well mannered and keep it that. No more, no less. This demeanor is not to be confused with being close nor chummy though. We're polite yet maintain a safe distance. Also, we don't intertwine ourselves with social media nor electronic communication with them either. We're more like acquaintances which is safer!

 

I can empathize with you.

 

The question you need to ask yourself at the end of the day is this: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Of course, it's the principle of the matter. I get that. In this life and marriage in particular, divorce isn't the quick easy fix it answer. A lot of times you have to make sacrifices and adjustments in order to compromise and create a happy medium for everyone. It's called enforcing healthy boundaries with others and for yourself.

 

As for your SIL, pretend she's dead. That's how I think regarding certain people in my life. Don't deal, interact, interface nor give certain unworthy people the time of day. They're not worth wasting your time, energy and brain space. You are more important. Treat yourself better and be kind to yourself. And, since she's against you, make yourself unavailable to her. Be a no-show. Never place yourself in an uncomfortable, unpleasant atmosphere. Do your disappearing act. Let your husband visit his sister while you're nowhere to be found. You don't need to be there. It's so unnecessary. Why set yourself up for a miserable time? Protect yourself.

 

I always feel that I don't care what people do or say as long as it does not involve ME. I'm happy as a clam as long as I'm not there! They can do whatever they want, say whatever they want or do anything disdainful while I take a nap!

 

Whether it's family or other social settings with whomever, everyone has the right to decide if they wish to associate or not, attend or decline. It's your freedom of your choice so take it!

 

I have a sister-in-law (SIL) and mother-in-law (MIL) who have chronic, incurable "mouth defects." I've heard so many snide comments spewed in my direction whether about others or about me! When I was younger, at first I became extremely irritated, offended and stewed over their disrespect for years! I don't do that anymore. Nowadays, I take it as a signal that their personalities and characters have a dark side. I no longer psycho analyze their envy, jealousy nor insecurities anymore. The easiest answer is to simply stay away. Avoid people whom you don't like. Avoid people who don't care for you, treat you with kindness, consideration nor respect you.

 

There were so many times when my husband visited his family and same with my sons while I stayed home and worked on my various crafts and hobbies. Everyone was happy and most of all, I took a less optimal family relationship situation and transformed it into my favor, benefit and advantage. You ought to try it, Marshmellow12.

 

You can't control situations, relations and what other people do. However, you can control and alter yourself while making yourself happy. Change the way you think and you will find peace from within.

 

Thank you, this was actually helpful. Thank you for not judging me and for advice other than “get divorced.”

[Batya33]

I see a difference between a spouse not choosing to attend a family gathering and not being invited to one where her spouse still attends (or his spouse).

[Marshmellow12]

I see a difference between a spouse not choosing to attend a family gathering and not being invited to one where her spouse still attends (or his spouse).

 

Yes! I feel like his response should have been something like “If my wife isn’t good enough to attend your event, than neither am I.“ or “I am attending the party because I love my niece, but purposely leaving my wife off of the invite was rude and uncalled for”. Something that small would have made all the difference.

[SherrySher]

Well yeah, that's the difference here..you were never given the choice and it was done behind your back. That's not only disrespect but it's zero loyalty. No one would want a husband who does these kinds of things and that's why so many have suggested divorce.

 

When it gets to the point where he is no longer considering you, then it's gotten to be pretty bad.

[SherrySher]

Whether it's family or other social settings with whomever, everyone has the right to decide if they wish to associate or not, attend or decline. It's your freedom of your choice so take it!

 

The bad part was, she wasn't given a choice. No one let her know and they purposely kept her out of it. If she had choice, then yeah, she can be the person to say 'no thank you', but they pulled this behind her back and didn't have enough respect to even tell her....so then what?

[Wiseman2]

You decided to be at war with her. He should not have to join you in that nor fight your catfights for you.

You do realize abusers try to separate thier partners from thier families, so stop it

[Marshmellow12]

You decided to be at war with her. He should not have to join you in that nor fight your catfights for you.

You do realize abusers try to separate thier partners from thier families, so stop it

 

Saying that I’m separating him from his family is a little far fetched. This is 1 person we are talking about.

[Marshmellow12]

Saying that I’m separating him from his family is a little far fetched. This is 1 person we are talking about.

 

And not that it makes a deference in my situation, but other family members were also purposely not invited and many family members that were invited chose not to go because of how she treats everyone. So it’s also not like I’m the only one she is nasty to.

[Jibralta]

The bad part was, she wasn't given a choice. No one let her know and they purposely kept her out of it.

 

Yeah, her husband included, which is the craziest part.

[Wiseman2]

How does hating, trashing and resenting her improve your marriage? It seems like you are jealous of her. It seems your husband and the other guests who attended all know this.

[Marshmellow12]

How does hating, trashing and resenting her improve your marriage? It seems like you are jealous of her. It seems your husband and the other guests who attended all know this.

 

Wrong. You’re making false assumptions.

[Wiseman2]

The net result is what you wanted. You didn't have to go you didn't have to buy your niece a gift you didn't have to see anyone there or try to be civil. You stayed home relaxing and your husband took care of his family business without bothering you or fighting with you about it.

[Marshmellow12]

The net result is what you wanted. You didn't have to go you didn't have to buy your niece a gift you didn't have to see anyone there or try to be civil. You stayed home relaxing and your husband took care of his family business without bothering you or fighting with you about it.

 

I actually mailed a gift a week or so ago because I’m not a mean person. The result I wanted was support from my husband and for him to not be okay with his sister treating me poorly like she’s done for 10 years now. Sure, I’m glad I didn’t go to the party. But am I glad that my husband didn’t support me? No.