Is it over after fight?

[boltnrun]

You say the big issues began with the pregnancy.

 

Was the pregnancy planned? Was he excited about having a baby and being a father?

[Andrina]

I agree that these are major issues. I felt valued up until the pregnancy/miscarriage. I felt he did not care. I felt him withdraw.

 

Well, it sometimes takes a major, stressful event to see the true nature of a person. So now you know how he reacts when you need him the most. Not in the way you'd want when being wise about choosing a lifetime partner. You already parted ways once before, so the relationship obviously had severe problems previously.

 

It does feel weird to go cold turkey in never seeing a person again you've spent so much time with. Just know that if you two don't have that ending discussion, that it's really not necessary for closure. You can write a letter you never give to him, or just let time do its healing and you'll eventually feel better that you have a life experience under your belt to learn from.

 

I suggest pampering yourself right now. Maybe join a forum for women who have miscarried. Read books for better communicating with a partner. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is a good one. Make a must-have list and dealbreaker list that you should stick to when you're ready to date again. Read books on how to improve your self esteem so that you attract, and be attracted to, other mentally and emotionally healthy people. Good luck for the next chapter in your life. Make it what you deserve this time.

[Billie28]

“When he called me Friday morning I told him he could have checked in with me. I didn’t even get the whole sentence out.”

 

Im not surprised you didn’t get the full sentence out.

You started aggressively and he shot it down.

 

If it’s 100% typical that he does check in with you , yet didn’t, why didn’t you check in with him to see if he is ok?

 

Apparently according to you , you didn’t want to bother him?

Do you really think it would have bothered him???

 

Sorry for your miscarriage.

It is unfortunately a common occurrence.

At least one in three pregnancies are miscarried.

 

You can’t really blame hormones for your actions though as the hormones in your system now are not any different than monthly hormones.

 

In other words there are no excuses for his or your behaviour other than you are simply incompatible.

5 years of up and down and getting nowhere = time to pull the plug.

[Hollyj]

You say the big issues began with the pregnancy.

 

Was the pregnancy planned? Was he excited about having a baby and being a father?

 

I am confused, you said the anger had always been there, and it effected everyone, then you said it started with the miscarriage?

 

It seems that the anger is an issue, but it also seems that he takes no responsibility for his actions and throws it back on you. Look up gaslighting. . You need to work on your self esteem, as you should have walked after the first angry outburst.

 

I think you should have a final talk, but also must be honest with yourself, as to how this is how this man is.

 

Please hit the reply with quote button, as it is easier to follow.

[Rose Mosse]

You said you've seen his anger issues since the beginning. This is a major red flag to me. Someone who jumps to swift anger, calling names, belittling, mocking you or making you feel uncomfortable, has a history of disrespecting you or others openly or in private or invalidates your thoughts or emotions is bad news. Read more on explosive anger or intermittent explosive disorder. That person is dealing with other issues apart from you or your relationship. If you already know this is part of his character, you shouldn't be around this person at all. These are just life lessons - we learn it the hard way. You should learn it now after this experience. Yes, it's abusive and it's someone who might have gotten away with this bullying for a long time or always got his/her way in life without being told off or corrected or been a victim of this type of behaviour in early childhood.

 

Raise your bar a little higher, take care of yourself, hang out with your sister, family members, your friends, get back in touch with people who actually show they care for you consistently. without all the psychological mind games and hot/cold.

 

I agree with Lambert on communicating better also and refuse to stonewall or keep things on the backburner without communicating. Take a time out and then make a decision that's best for you. Don't keep things hanging or let things stew for too long.

[Bets4tess]

Sorry to hear that. Did you both plan on and want a child?

Unfortunately your relationship is characterized by verbal and emotional abuse.

 

It seems things are not as committed as you would like. You're not even living together. How did he react to the news of the pregnancy?

 

Thank you.

 

We no longer live together. After getting back together, I decided to keep my home and that we would discuss moving back in with each other after time had passed and there was some consistency in the relationship. He was happy about the pregnancy. It wasn’t planned. We wanted to wait, but it happened sooner than expected due to a change in birth control pills. I think I was more hesitant because since getting back together I have been taking things very slow with him, but it happened and we were both happy.

[Bets4tess]

“When he called me Friday morning I told him he could have checked in with me. I didn’t even get the whole sentence out.”

 

Im not surprised you didn’t get the full sentence out.

You started aggressively and he shot it down.

 

If it’s 100% typical that he does check in with you , yet didn’t, why didn’t you check in with him to see if he is ok?

 

Apparently according to you , you didn’t want to bother him?

Do you really think it would have bothered him???

 

Sorry for your miscarriage.

It is unfortunately a common occurrence.

At least one in three pregnancies are miscarried.

 

You can’t really blame hormones for your actions though as the hormones in your system now are not any different than monthly hormones.

 

In other words there are no excuses for his or your behaviour other than you are simply incompatible.

5 years of up and down and getting nowhere = time to pull the plug.

 

I think I did start off wrong that day of the fight, but I also felt his reaction took it to a whole other level. I acknowledge we both handled ourselves poorly.

 

That whole week after the miscarriage, my emotions were all over the place. He was trying to focus on work. I felt he was withdrawing. I thought this was his way of processing the abortion. I respected his need for space. I didn’t want to call or text that night because I knew he was hanging out with a friend he hadn’t seen in a while. He is normally very considerate. He normally checks in. This is just something his did on his own out of courtesy. I had been crying every night after the abortion. I knew I’d was partly due to hormones. I was experiencing all kinds of emotions I normally wouldn’t. I was trying to be mindful of that, but I was so sad. I felt alone. That is why I was upset he didn’t check in with me. At least a text. The following morning he called very early and I was thinking I’d get the chance to express why I was upset.

 

These hormones are definitely not normal monthly hormones. I still don’t feel like myself. I am much better, but I could not even control my sadness. I’m not using it as an excuse, but it was a factor that I am sure about.

 

I’m not looking to excuse our behavior. It’s wrong and I need to learn from this. I am looking for solutions and if the solution is to walk away, then maybe that is best.

[boltnrun]

"I thought this was his way of processing the abortion."

 

So it was a choice? Which I want to emphasize is absolutely your decision and I certainly can understand if you chose to terminate. But this might make a big difference in both parties' reactions.

 

Was he on board with ending the pregnancy? Maybe he's having a hard time with guilt feelings.

[Bets4tess]

I am confused, you said the anger had always been there, and it effected everyone, then you said it started with the miscarriage?

 

It seems that the anger is an issue, but it also seems that he takes no responsibility for his actions and throws it back on you. Look up gaslighting. . You need to work on your self esteem, as you should have walked after the first angry outburst.

 

I think you should have a final talk, but also must be honest with yourself, as to how this is how this man is.

 

Please hit the reply with quote button, as it is easier to follow.

 

Hi Hollyj. The anger is apart of his character. Everyone knows this about him. It is an issue. Just as you are saying, I felt he did not want to take responsibility for his actions. Maybe I reacted poorly to him not checking in, but even if I told him about it calmly, I think I would have still been met with anger and defensiveness.

 

I know I need to be honest with myself about him. That is why I haven’t reached out to him. I need to find clarity about the whole thing before anything.

[Bets4tess]

No it wasn’t a choice. It was not a viable pregnancy and the Dr. said we should terminate because of how far along I was. I was miscarrying.

[boltnrun]

No it wasn’t a choice. It was not a viable pregnancy and the Dr. said we should terminate because of how far along I was. I was miscarrying.

 

I'm so sorry. That had to be extremely difficult.

 

I went through something similar. I was told it was very likely either the baby or the both of us wouldn't make it through the pregnancy and if I chose to continue I would have to be hospitalized the entire time. I already had two kids at home so not being there for them wasn't an option. However, I did try to continue but ended up losing the baby.

 

I feel like this certainly had to affect your boyfriend, but sometimes it's hard to act the right way when you're not even sure what the "right way" is. I don't think lashing out is ever the right answer, however.

[Bets4tess]

I'm so sorry. That had to be extremely difficult.

 

I went through something similar. I was told it was very likely either the baby or the both of us wouldn't make it through the pregnancy and if I chose to continue I would have to be hospitalized the entire time. I already had two kids at home so not being there for them wasn't an option. However, I did try to continue but ended up losing the baby.

 

I feel like this certainly had to affect your boyfriend, but sometimes it's hard to act the right way when you're not even sure what the "right way" is. I don't think lashing out is ever the right answer, however.

 

Thank you. I'm sorry for what you went through also. It's not an easy thing to go through, but I understand this is apart of life. I don't want to be stuck in sadness or depression. Life has to go on.

 

I think over those months I was pregnant, I was lashing out at him. There were a few instances where I know my behavior was not acceptable. He handled himself with patience and grace to be honest. I think this simple issue that happened last Friday was blown out of proportion because he probably reached a limit and couldn't take my attitude anymore. It's a fact he has a problem with his anger, but I totally see my role in all of this. I didn't a few days ago. I was riddled with anger as was he. No one is perfect. I don't want to make excuses for his anger issues. I can't be in a relationship where my feelings aren't validated. He's got to be able to be accountable and I must be also.

 

He kept saying I don't like to admit when I am wrong. He meant my attitude when I answered the phone and declining his calls. I didn't see that was wrong at the time. I was just looking at the outburst of anger. I was so fixated on the fact that he was wrong for the yelling and dismissing my feelings. He tried to repair, but I brushed him off and completely stonewalled him. If I was in his shoes, I would say to hell with her too. This is a no-win for both sides and that is why he probably disconnected completely.

 

I know he went out of town this weekend to spend some time with family. Too much time has passed and I am feeling very guilty for the way I have handled myself. I think he has already made up his mind that this is over. I hope he enjoys his time with his family and is able to clear his mind if that is what he needs. I do hope we are able to speak about this at some point regardless if it results in us parting ways or not.

[Wiseman2]

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If you want to know more about this, just send me an email and I will scam you

 

Troll

[Lambert]

Thank you. I'm sorry for what you went through also. It's not an easy thing to go through, but I understand this is apart of life. I don't want to be stuck in sadness or depression. Life has to go on.

 

I think over those months I was pregnant, I was lashing out at him. There were a few instances where I know my behavior was not acceptable. He handled himself with patience and grace to be honest. I think this simple issue that happened last Friday was blown out of proportion because he probably reached a limit and couldn't take my attitude anymore. It's a fact he has a problem with his anger, but I totally see my role in all of this. I didn't a few days ago. I was riddled with anger as was he. No one is perfect. I don't want to make excuses for his anger issues. I can't be in a relationship where my feelings aren't validated. He's got to be able to be accountable and I must be also.

 

He kept saying I don't like to admit when I am wrong. He meant my attitude when I answered the phone and declining his calls. I didn't see that was wrong at the time. I was just looking at the outburst of anger. I was so fixated on the fact that he was wrong for the yelling and dismissing my feelings. He tried to repair, but I brushed him off and completely stonewalled him. If I was in his shoes, I would say to hell with her too. This is a no-win for both sides and that is why he probably disconnected completely.

 

I know he went out of town this weekend to spend some time with family. Too much time has passed and I am feeling very guilty for the way I have handled myself. I think he has already made up his mind that this is over. I hope he enjoys his time with his family and is able to clear his mind if that is what he needs. I do hope we are able to speak about this at some point regardless if it results in us parting ways or not.

Sounds like you've talked yourself out of being the wounded person and now are guilty and waiting to see what he wants to do.

 

Maybe that is the crux of your problem.... neither of you really go all in or all out. you just kinda leave it up to the other person.

 

you treat each other like crap and when you think it might be over, you're full of regret.

 

Sounds exhausting. Eventually one of you will meet someone else and this will be over. At least that's what I've seen happen with these kinds of "not quite the one but better than alone" relationships.

[Rose Mosse]

Wait it out longer and don't respond out of guilt to the situation. It's never any good when people go at it again or try to make up based on feelings of guilt instead of looking at the picture as a whole and whether someone is good for you (or not).

 

I think going for counseling if you think it might help is not a bad idea. You're reading into all of this with the view that it's your hormones (after the miscarriage), "I am a woman and I am emotional", he's having a bad time with it etc. If he is then you can also suggest counseling together as a couple and talk about your grief in a safe space. Taking it out on each other and this kind of up and down is toxic and unhealthy.

[Bets4tess]

It is exhausting. Also very toxic.

I’ll have to make a conscious decision soon because I can’t afford to feel like this any longer.

[HeartGoesOn]

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