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Is it over after fight?


Bets4tess

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My bf and I had an argument last Friday. I was upset he did not check in with me the night before. He had a guest over and they were drinking. They weren’t doing anything wrong at all. When he called me Friday morning I told him he could have checked in with me. I didn’t even get the whole sentence out. In less than 30 seconds he started berating me. Called me a child, immature, and hung up on me. I didn’t call back. He just made things worse. The next morning he sent a text saying he was surprised I was upset for something so silly and that I should have understood him. Wait what???

 

I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. My emotions are all over the place. I’m trying to be mindful that it will take some time for my hormones to stabilize. My emotions are intensified. I feel the bigger problem was that he doesn’t have any respect for my feelings.

 

Saturday I was a mess. Although he sent a text saying I should come over. I was still upset that he completely dismissed my feelings. If it wasn’t a big deal then why behave that way? I didn’t even get a chance to explain why I was upset. I had an attitude, but I felt I deserved to be heard and most importantly...understood. We should have respect for each other’s feelings.

 

I decided to go out of town. I visited with my sister for 3 days. It was what I needed. Needed love and laughter from loved ones. He tried to reach out a few times by text. He even asked..what do you want me to do, kiss your a**? Who talks like that? He was angry I was keeping my distance. I told him I would call. I ended up calling him on Monday. He screamed and yelled again. I just don’t feel he cares to understand me. We don’t have to agree, but he should at least try to understand or listen to what I have to say. I feel so misunderstood. He hung up me again. This was the second time I reached out and we got no where. Both of us screaming, both angry.

 

He sent a few more text messages on Monday saying we both have different ways of dealing with things. That we react differently to certain situations and it doesn't mean that we don't know of each other's characteristics and tendencies. He said he would never intentionally hurt me. It didn’t make sense to me at the time. I responded by saying, “I know.” That was it. Haven’t heard from him since Monday.

 

I can’t find it in myself to contact him because I feel like I can’t continue to be with someone who doesn’t respect my feelings. Why am I always met with anger? It doesn’t feel right. It’s like Im not allowed to get upset or angry. There’s a right and wrong way of dealing with things. We don’t have to agree, but we need to listen and understand each other.

 

At this point, it’s been a few days and I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I have just left him alone. Haven’t contacted him. I’ve just been working and going about my life. He probably thinks I’m waiting for him to “kiss my a**”. I’m going on with my days, but I feel terrible about it. I don’t think this can be resolved. It takes two and right now I don’t feel he cares at all. I’m sure we both could have handled things differently, but here we are in a very unhealthy situation.

 

How long do I wait if at all? I don’t need closure. We have 5 years of good and bad history. This will go one of two ways. We won’t speak ever again or he will reach out, but when? When it’s too late?

 

I feel so hurt and need some clarity.

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Is it usual for you to expect him to "check in" with you?

 

He normally checks in with me, so it was unusual. I just felt really sad. It was a week after the miscarriage. I felt alone. I didnÂ’t want to be needy. I was trying to control my emotions, so I didnÂ’t call him either. I wanted him to enjoy his time, but I felt he could have checked in with me. I know I wasnÂ’t the only one going through the miscarriage. He was dealing with it in his own way.

 

I really donÂ’t know what to do. The more time goes by, I feel like the more damage is being done. Or maybe my mind is overreacting. I know today he went out of town to visit family for the weekend. Maybe he needed to get away or maybe heÂ’s made up his mind that we are over.

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I think throughout your post, you answer a lot of your own questions.

 

Things don't feel right. Your needs aren't being met. you don't like the way he is talking to, hanging up on you, the anger.

 

It sounds like you want to end it. but you just had a miscarriage. I'm so sorry. Maybe you are dealing with too much and you need time to see how you feel.

 

with all that said... you both sound very immature in the communication department. I agree, anger and hanging up on you is not the way to handle things. however, ignoring and the silent treatment aren't right either.

 

Here is what I would do. Stop with the texting. it is a horrible way to try to resolve a conflict. texts are quick communications... like yes or no questions, directions, don't forget to grab milk on the way home. that's it.

 

You should probably try to explain how you're feeling and see what he says. maybe the miscarriage has been hard on him, too. And you could be helping each other cope instead of these little games.

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"We have 5 years of good and bad history."

 

What does this mean?

 

Was the pregnancy planned?

 

And yes, men deal with miscarriages too even though they don't experience them physically. Particularly if it was a much wanted baby.

 

We have had our ups and downs. I left him a few years ago. I spent the time apart really working on myself and furthering my career. We never lost touch. It took a very long time to get to this place. Finally we got back together a year ago. We were so committed to making sure we did things right this time. Having a healthy relationship was our main goal. He really did try. I will say that, but this miscarriage really took a toll on me. It had psychological consequences. Not just physical.

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Anytime a person doesn't control their anger and has an explosive temper, it's a huge red flag. You definitely don't have a healthy relationship with him.

 

I'm sorry for your recent miscarriage.

 

Out of courtesy, he should've checked in with you just to let you know what he was doing out of common courtesy and respect for you given that you've been in a relationship with him for 5 years which is a long time.

 

I think it's over. He called you a child and immature. He gaslighted you. Google "gaslighting" which is typical psychological warfare. He manipulated the argument which is classic gaslighting. Gaslighting is when the perpetrator changes your perception of the facts and then you're left feeling as if you're the crazy one. Gaslighting is when you're left confused because the perpetrator convinces you that there's something wrong with YOU, not him / her. They deflect and turn it around on you so you're perceived as the nutcase. It's a tricky, nasty maneuver.

 

To hang up on you is extremely unkind, rude and disrespectful. It's the same as ignoring, ghosting and blocking you.

 

Don't wait nor reach out to him.

 

I've never trusted those who've tested me sorely. (If my paths must cross with them, I enforce ultra strong boundaries forever.) If I can eliminate certain people from my life, I do it.

 

There were times when estrangement taught me a person's true ugly character and most of all, I finally felt safe and at peace. I never tolerate nor accept a person's nasty personality and character anymore. I'm done. Good riddance!

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I think throughout your post, you answer a lot of your own questions.

 

Things don't feel right. Your needs aren't being met. you don't like the way he is talking to, hanging up on you, the anger.

 

It sounds like you want to end it. but you just had a miscarriage. I'm so sorry. Maybe you are dealing with too much and you need time to see how you feel.

 

with all that said... you both sound very immature in the communication department. I agree, anger and hanging up on you is not the way to handle things. however, ignoring and the silent treatment aren't right either.

 

Here is what I would do. Stop with the texting. it is a horrible way to try to resolve a conflict. texts are quick communications... like yes or no questions, directions, don't forget to grab milk on the way home. that's it.

 

You should probably try to explain how you're feeling and see what he says. maybe the miscarriage has been hard on him, too. And you could be helping each other cope instead of these little games.

 

I'm glad I was able to convey what I have inside my mind. I wasn't sure I was even making sense, so thank you for this response.

 

I do feel that something isn't right and the reason I haven't reached out to him is because I don't know if this is something that can be repaired. Why keep fighting? He reacts with anger often. Not physically, but with words. I don't get over that very quickly. I'm trying to put ego aside. Im just very hurt by the things he said to me the times we spoke on the phone. Feels like he doesn't want to be with me any longer. Why push someone who seems to not care. The texts seem to say otherwise, but how can I take a text seriously. That is why I am confused. I completely agree that texting is not for serious conversations. I tried to explain how I was feeling twice. I called him last Friday and again Monday. I admit we both have communication issues and I also agree it is very immature, but I am willing to change the direction of this. I can't live this way.

 

You are absolutely right when you say these are little games. I've completely shut down. I just don't know how to help the situation or if I even can. My gut is telling me to let him be. The same way I left town to be with my family. I felt overwhelmed. I know he has been home every day alone since we have had this problem. He needs to be with family or do whatever it is he wants to do for the weekend to clear his head. I want to give him the space to make up his own mind about the whole thing. We have come too far to force anything. If he does reach out, I will call him to try to explain how I'm feeling, but at this point I don't think I'll be hearing from him.

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Anytime a person doesn't control their anger and has an explosive temper, it's a huge red flag. You definitely don't have a healthy relationship with him.

 

I'm sorry for your recent miscarriage.

 

Out of courtesy, he should've checked in with you just to let you know what he was doing out of common courtesy and respect for you given that you've been in a relationship with him for 5 years which is a long time.

 

I think it's over. He called you a child and immature. He gaslighted you. Google "gaslighting" which is typical psychological warfare. He manipulated the argument which is classic gaslighting. Gaslighting is when the perpetrator changes your perception of the facts and then you're left feeling as if you're the crazy one. Gaslighting is when you're left confused because the perpetrator convinces you that there's something wrong with YOU, not him / her. They deflect and turn it around on you so you're perceived as the nutcase. It's a tricky, nasty maneuver.

 

To hang up on you is extremely unkind, rude and disrespectful. It's the same as ignoring, ghosting and blocking you.

 

Don't wait nor reach out to him.

 

I've never trusted those who've tested me sorely. (If my paths must cross with them, I enforce ultra strong boundaries forever.) If I can eliminate certain people from my life, I do it.

 

There were times when estrangement taught me a person's true ugly character and most of all, I finally felt safe and at peace. I never tolerate nor accept a person's nasty personality and character anymore. I'm done. Good riddance!

 

You're strong! I admire that. I've worked very hard to develop myself into the person I am today. This man has taught me alot. He's not perfect and he's no saint. He's done some things in the past to hurt me to my very core and when I say he taught me alot, he is the reason I totally submerged myself in self discovery. I'm not perfect. I think I react poorly to him at times, but I am only human. I am a woman and I am emotional. Although I've learned to be more logical than emotional, I can't control my emotions all of the time.

 

I'm no one to make a diagnosis, but I have self respect. Sometimes not enough. I try to compromise, but I see a substantial problem here. If he doesn't have the ability to understand my feelings, how can we ever resolve conflict in a healthy way? We will run into this problem again. Whether minor or major, we will be right where we are right now. Me feeling hurt, misunderstood, unheard, unloved, and whatever else. You can truly and genuinely care for someone, but if you don't value yourself and what you think is right, you will live a life of misery. No one is worth that.

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How long have these angry outbursts been occurring?

 

I am sorry about your loss.

 

Thank you.

 

These angry outbursts are apart of his personality. It is a character flaw (red flag) that I have overlooked from the time I met him. I have seen him behave this way with any and everyone. I am no exception. Only thing is when he does it to me, it hurts very badly.

 

Makes me feel like he really doesn't care about me at all. I can't even believe at this point in my life, I lost a child. That life is just gone. I have to process it somehow. I have to move forward with my life. Dealing with this problem doesn't make things easier. I know I contributed. Had I went to see him the following day, I'm sure I could have gotten my point across about acknowledging my feelings, but the anger just makes it so difficult.

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Lambert, you are totally correct when you stated, "ignoring and the silent treatment aren't right either."

 

I acknowledge that. I felt slighted. I felt hurt and angry. I need to learn the proper tools to get through conflict in a healthy way. I acknowledge I could have handled things differently. At the time, it was the only way I knew how to handle the situation. His anger pushed me away. I felt he kept shutting me down. I needed some space and time to get my thoughts together. Now so much time has passed, I feel like we both just let go and maybe that is what's best. Days will turn to weeks and weeks will turn to months. I feel like I don't really have a choice. I have to let him go...again.

 

I really don't know what to do. I feel completely helpless.

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Thank you.

 

These angry outbursts are apart of his personality. It is a character flaw (red flag) that I have overlooked from the time I met him. I have seen him behave this way with any and everyone. I am no exception. Only thing is when he does it to me, it hurts very badly.

 

Makes me feel like he really doesn't care about me at all. I can't even believe at this point in my life, I lost a child. That life is just gone. I have to process it somehow. I have to move forward with my life. Dealing with this problem doesn't make things easier. I know I contributed. Had I went to see him the following day, I'm sure I could have gotten my point across about acknowledging my feelings, but the anger just makes it so difficult.

 

This is a deal breaker. This man is not partner or parent material. You need to focus on the big picture and not this incident. It is time to move forward for your well being. This man is toxic.

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This is a deal breaker. This man is not partner or parent material. You need to focus on the big picture and not this incident. It is time to move forward for your well being. This man is toxic.

 

He kept saying that I made a big deal out of something so silly. I made a big deal because he reacted to me with anger. I felt totally disrespected. That he didn’t respect my feelings. A normal person would hear me out and agree or disagree. What took it to the next level was the shouting and treating me like I was wrong for feeling upset.

 

I just had a miscarriage and my emotions are heightened. They still are. Biologically my hormones were preparing for a child and that came to a screeching halt. Now it has to readjust.

 

It is toxic and that is why I did not reach out to him after Monday. I tried to speak to him on the phone and got the same reaction. I don’t know if it’s the hormones, but I just couldn’t handle it like I normally would. Maybe losing the baby changed me. I don’t know. I just don’t have the tolerance.

 

I know him well. He holds grudges. We are both stubborn. He won’t reach out to me and I will leave it as is. This is going to continue with no resolution, so I better get with the program real quick and have the mindset that it’s permanent.

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You're strong! I admire that. I've worked very hard to develop myself into the person I am today. This man has taught me alot. He's not perfect and he's no saint. He's done some things in the past to hurt me to my very core and when I say he taught me alot, he is the reason I totally submerged myself in self discovery. I'm not perfect. I think I react poorly to him at times, but I am only human. I am a woman and I am emotional. Although I've learned to be more logical than emotional, I can't control my emotions all of the time.

 

I'm no one to make a diagnosis, but I have self respect. Sometimes not enough. I try to compromise, but I see a substantial problem here. If he doesn't have the ability to understand my feelings, how can we ever resolve conflict in a healthy way? We will run into this problem again. Whether minor or major, we will be right where we are right now. Me feeling hurt, misunderstood, unheard, unloved, and whatever else. You can truly and genuinely care for someone, but if you don't value yourself and what you think is right, you will live a life of misery. No one is worth that.

 

He doesn't feel for you. He lacks empathy. He doesn't hear you out because he doesn't care how you feel. It's always all about him. He doesn't give you air time and he refuses to understand where you're coming from.

 

He's selfish.

 

You deserve to be treated with respect, love and as it you matter. He doesn't treat you with consideration, kindness and respect. He's not worth your time and energy.

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Yes, I have been paying attention to the pattern and that is why I feel I’ve reached this point. I don’t think I can carry on like this.

 

I think if he really cared or if he had intentions of working on things together, he would have said something by now. He’s probably saying the same about me. I’m just going to leave it alone. I don’t have a choice.

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You still are not getting it. You have stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time, and by choosing to isolate it to this one issue is very concerning. If you do not address your choices in men, you will continue to choose angry men, who do you value or respect you.

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I understand what you are saying. I really do.

 

I will say in my defense that this was not a common thing. Our relationship has not been volatile. Not riddled with fighting. Maybe I am missing something, but I don’t see any other issues within the relationship other than his anger and communication. I have communication issues as well. We don’t have any other underlying issues where I could say he has been emotionally abusing me otherwise. We have had issues in the past and when I said he has hurt me, it was because we were both not ready for a relationship. I did not return to the relationship a year ago without being sure that things would be different and they have been. Like I said before he really tried. It was not until I became pregnant that things got difficult. I was picking on him. I noticed myself very moody. Then the miscarriage. I went through a barrage of emotions.

 

I need to give myself some time. I need clarity. I’m not going to do anything concerning him and the relationship. I’m just going to focus on feeling better, my work, and taking care of myself right now.

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Anger and communication issues are a huge part of the relationship. Having only one of those issues is a deal breaker for most , and you have two. Plus, you said that he does not make you feel valued. Your relationship is not healthy!

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We had a fight. One where we weren’t able to sort through in a healthy way. The morning of the fight, I was in negotiations with clients. He called me twice and I didn’t answer. I sent his calls to voicemail. He already knew it was out of the ordinary for him to not check in with me. That is not something we spoke about. He has always checked in with me on his own out of consideration. He had been withdrawing the entire week. Dealing with the miscarriage in his own way I suppose. When I didn’t answer, he knew I was upset. The anger was brewing from the declined calls. I called him back with an attitude and when he hung up on me, I felt that I shouldn’t have to accept him screaming at me. I felt he should have listened and then responded. Maybe things would have gone differently. I shouldn’t have to go to him the following day to demand he understand me. This should be given. A mutual respect of each other’s feelings. We are both wrong. His reaction to me and me to him. I then proceeded to be passive aggressive about the whole thing. He could easily say I’m emotionally abusive as I am saying about him.

 

I’ve obviously reached a limit and so has he. This appears to be the end of our relationship not because of this incident, but because of our inability to sort through conflict in a healthy way. Am I missing something? Did I do anything wrong for him to react to me with such anger? To the point where he didn’t want to listen to me or understand why I was upset? I know that the only way for me to understand him is if I was to communicate with him. I am not understanding his anger toward me.

 

I had a relationship with this man. I find it very hard to make a clean break like this without speaking about it. I don’t know if he just needs more time or if the ball was in my court to show up and communicate. It’s just a huge mess that will have to sort itself out. I don’t want to struggle with this. I feel overwhelmed.

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“ Anger and communication issues are a huge part of the relationship. Having only one of those issues is a deal breaker for most , and you have two. Plus, you said that he does not make you feel valued. Your relationship is not healthy!”

 

I agree that these are major issues. I felt valued up until the pregnancy/miscarriage. I felt he did not care. I felt him withdraw. I don’t know what he was dealing with internally about the miscarriage. Maybe I am not explaining this clearly. My mind is not clear right now.

 

Anger and communication issues were always present. He reacts with anger often to me and others. It wasn’t consistent. There were times we were able to sort through things in a healthy manner. It was not prevalent until the pregnancy. I know I am not to blame, but I think I contributed. Especially when I know this man was trying his hardest to grow and change.

 

And yes Hollyj, this is unhealthy. I just don’t know what is the right thing to do. I want to communicate with him even if it means we decide to end things. To leave it like this has me very uneasy.

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Sorry to hear that. Did you both plan on and want a child?

Unfortunately your relationship is characterized by verbal and emotional abuse.

 

It seems things are not as committed as you would like. You're not even living together. How did he react to the news of the pregnancy?

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It sounds like you both resent each other quite a bit, and don't really want to be with each other anymore.

 

I think I would have a final conversation and part ways. It's too much damage already done.

 

That was exactly how I felt when I had the last conversation with him on Monday. I told him that I felt we both did not want to be together. He kept insisting that I needed to try and that it wasn’t a big deal that I needed to let go of whatever was bothering me because we would never be able to make progress. I felt he was missing the whole point.

 

I would like to have a final conversation, but I don’t think that is going to happen. I don’t think he wants to talk or else he would have reached out. I keep going back and forth about if I should reach out or just let it go.

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