She is not ready

[Betel255]

Hey everyone

So, there's this girl in my semester... We share some mutual friends and she always seemed kind of interested in me (e.g. looking at me when we meet in larger groups, coming over to say hi, etc). About half a year ago we started texting from time to time and some weeks ago we really started to get to know each other. We bonded over similar tastes in music, movies and video games and even share the same sense of humour! We both have to study a lot (med school...), so naturally we met up to study together and both had a really fun time.

But I guess I made it quite obvious that I am romantically interested, because she drew back suddenly. After a while I wanted to know if everything was alright with her and she quickly confessed that she did not know how to interact with me as she did not want to send the wrong signals... She said she really likes me, but is not capable of having a relationship, never was in one and does not plan to be in one.

I naturally felt like an for making her uncomfortable, and said that I made bad experiences with "staying friends" in the past, so we kind of said goodbye...

I am not sure what to do now: I have a major crush, but I do not want to disrespect the choice she made. On the other hand, I made some mistakes with possessive behaviour and jealousy in the past and I am quite sure that I am patient enough to lead a relationship with someone who is afraid of commitment. I kind of want to show her that a relationship can be uncomplicated and easy.

The thing is, I kind of brought her into the lab I am working in right now, which she really appreciated, so we will still be seeing each other on a regular basis...

[ninjabib]

Shes not attracted to you OP romantically. Time to cut your losses and move on.

 

Your instinct against remaining 'fake friends' was right. Do not remain friends. Wish her well and keep all contact to a minimum.

 

You don't need to show her a relationship can be uncomplicated blah blah. She doesnt want one with you. The stuff about never having one is BS, she's trying to let you down gently.

 

If you have to see her at school or whatever just be polite and thats it.

[MissCanuck]

She doesn't have the same interest in you that you do in her. She just doesn't know how to tell you that, so she claims she is never going to be in a relationship.

 

There is no need to show her anything, my friend. She's already slammed the brakes on it. This isn't something you can correct out wait out. She's trying to let you down gently; heed that and move along.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you're in the friend zone. You have to respect the boundaries. The last thing you want is for her to think you're "creepy".

[Rose Mosse]

Seems like a nice person. Both of you are in med school and there's lots to chat about. There isn't anything much more attractive than meeting someone at your level.

 

My suggestion:

 

Keep things friendly when you're around each other. If she avoids you, just clear the air and tell her you're sorry for being an ass. Tell her she's a great person and you respect what she said and thank her for being honest.

 

This isn't a huge deal in the bigger scheme of things. She just let you go to pursue others who are more interested in a relationship. If you respect her as a person, continue doing that. She'll ease up once she sees that you're not coming on to her anymore. Go on and enjoy yourself and meet new people.

[Betel255]

Thanks for all the advice,

I made up my mind a while ago already, I am sure that I am able to move on and meet someone else. But I would still like to keep the option open for her to change her mind, without being creepy or clingy. The fact that we see each other regularly through the lab could help with that, but I am unsure if she actually ruled me out at all

[melancholy123]

I agree with the others but perhaps she is just shy? Never been in a relationship tells me she's unsure of herself. Accept her as a friend for now.

[catfeeder]

I kind of want to show her that a relationship can be uncomplicated and easy.

 

Then stay professional and don't try to manipulate her.

 

Once you bring an agenda into your interactions, that only shows her the opposite of what you intend.

 

Move your focus onto dating others and go all-professional with co-workers.

 

You'll thank yourself later.

[Capricorn3]

Then stay professional and don't try to manipulate her.

 

Once you bring an agenda into your interactions, that only shows her the opposite of what you intend.

 

Move your focus onto dating others and go all-professional with co-workers.

 

You'll thank yourself later.

 

I second this post.

 

OP, she's told you quite clearly that she is doesn't plan to be in a relationship right now. If that doesn't get the message through then I don't know what will. You need to respect her wishes and back off.

[Betel255]

Yeah no, don't get me wrong. I made a lot of experiences with manipulative behaviour and I am strictly against anything trying to "make people do things". I already described how I felt like an ass for being pushy, even though she told me she enjoyed my company. I am at ease with the situation and in the process of moving on (and certainly not doing any more advances), I just wanted to know if anyone made the experience of people getting back at someone they rejected at first. Or in other words, could she actually see me as "boyfriend material" and just has to sort things out before being able to commit to someone?

[Capricorn3]

OP, she was up front in letting you know where she stands. She knows you have a crush on her. So, IF she ever changes her mind, no doubt she knows where to find you. I have a feeling she's going to focus on her studies for a couple of years. Time to accept and move on.

[Rose Mosse]

Yeah no, don't get me wrong. I made a lot of experiences with manipulative behaviour and I am strictly against anything trying to "make people do things". I already described how I felt like an ass for being pushy, even though she told me she enjoyed my company. I am at ease with the situation and in the process of moving on (and certainly not doing any more advances), I just wanted to know if anyone made the experience of people getting back at someone they rejected at first. Or in other words, could she actually see me as "boyfriend material" and just has to sort things out before being able to commit to someone?

 

Going down this road is a bit futile so best not explored fully. If you like her or respect her, respect what she says without getting caught up with the "what ifs". It'll make you look like a crazy person or someone who's not quite with it, disrespectful, rude, not listening etc. The list goes on. All very unattractive qualities.

 

What you do:

 

Stay positive and confident and don't get so hung up on this person. She's one out of millions. Not the last woman on earth. She and you had a nice chat once or twice, maybe a few times, but the more you stare at her or pay her any unwanted attention or let your ideas get ahead of you, is where things become inappropriate. Don't be that guy.

 

She's not interested in dating you. That should be enough. You need to handle rejection a bit better if you're looking to date. Take it easy.

[ninjabib]

Don't hang around and hope OP. You are wasting your time. Keep contact to a minimum.

[smackie9]

Totally friend zoned....there's no advancement. Tip: when they give you a bunch of excuses why they can't date you, it's them telling you they don't want to date you.