I don't know if i'm overreacting or...

[Bumblebee093]

Hey all

 

I've been on n off of this site for a while now.. all for different reasons!.

 

I've been with a guy for over a year now and i'm struggling to see anything good. A little background on myself, I suffer from depression and recently been diagnosed with anxiety Disorder. I've started taking antidepressants which I've been on for 2 months - Currently run out and badgering my GP to speed up the process of getting me another prescription - I haven't taken any for nearly a week which is bad. (I did contact them a week before I ran out too)

 

My partner also suffers with a long list of mental health issues which he will use in an argument. I'm not sure how I can write it all down into a message and I don't know if any of it would make sense as there is so much that I feel and so much that has happened.

 

 

We argue... and when we do he blows up. He makes me feel small. He will use anything he can to bring me down, tell me i have no sympathy, tell me I never listen, I always talk back, I challenge him when he don't need challenging, I do this, I do that. If i'm clumsy and drop something, walk into something that makes a noise he will get pissy, He expects me to get his food while he sits in the bedroom after i've come in from work and make me feel terrible if he hasn't eaten all day... while i'm at work!. I'm the only one going out working because of this pandemic and I work in a hospital so it's not like I can just stop working...

 

Today was bad. I had a long day and hearing about people passing away along with all of the added pressures of money, bills and life.. my mental health dipped and I came home gave him his food, didn't say anything and just locked myself away in another room to cry and de-stress myself. He see's this as an issue because I didn't say a word, Yes I can see that as a problem and maybe I should have said something but I just couldn't. I explained why, I told him i've had a rough day and he's just got in a foul mood with me. No one else is allowed to have a bad day if he is suffering with his mental health... He's gone out for a walk and I rang him to talk. He was short with me and I questioned him. He asks me 'Why do you think i'm a mood?' and I replied with what he said before he left. He went quiet, I snapped and said I will deal with it all on my own then! and he's just gone off telling me i'm pressuring him (which is exactly what he does to me as when he's having a mental health day, I have to be at his beg and call comforting him and doing everything in my power to make it all better but when I have a bad day where I need support and someone to listen I get told i'm pressuring him) He hung up the phone saying you're a f***ing... Didn't hear the last bit?

 

He does this a lot. He will tell me that his opinion is correct and that i'm shoving my opinion down his throat. He will constantly go on about how intelligent he is, therefore he knows so much about the world and politics and everything else. Every debate we have he can't have it any way but his. He will verbally shut me down and make me feel so small. He will tell me I need to stop butting in when he's talking but he talks for hours without letting me get any word in edgewise and when I have a moment to talk he will butt in and talk about what he wants to talk about for another hour or so. It's a never ending battle.

 

You're probably reading this thinking, leave, get out. I can't, it's hard, i'm alone. We're in lockdown, I'm scared to talk to him incase he starts to shout, I'm scared to talk to my family and friends as they will see how emotionally weak I am. I feel locked in my own head.

 

On the days when he is calm its wonderful, we can laugh, joke and be comfortable and he does make me smile but its the bad times that weighs me down and hurts me.

 

We've sat down and spoke about his anger and lashing out and he will apologise and listen but as soon as something happens its all forgotten and i'm the bad person. I'm an emotional person anyway, I cry at small things, I cry when I get criticised in such a way that is not needed. I will cry at most things to be honest. It makes me feel emotionally unstable.

 

I just feel like this is all in my head. I'm overreacting, i'm all that he says I am because why else would it keep coming up in conversation? I just need some experience handling this, Some advice? Some help? I'm not sure.

 

Sorry for the rambling, I've just got in from work and I am typing this through sleepy eyes and brain fog.

 

B

[limichelle]

Leave! Get out of that place fast! Your family and friends won’t think you’re weak, staying in an abusive situation will make you seem weak. You need to not put up with anymore of this. Do what you can to protect your emotional health.

[JenCrowley]

Do the two of you live together, or does he have his own place? Also, does he take medication for his "mental health issues", has he been to a doctor? If it's true that his "foul moods" and other bad behaviors stem from his "mental health issues", then this is something he needs to address himself. You are not responsible for his mental health nor correct treatment for it, it is his responsibility to seek treatment if he hasn't already.

 

Now, if the two of you live together, I advise that you absolutely speak with him ASAP, as it is very clear to me that this is a very bad situation. Do as you did before: sit down and speak calmly about the situation (I advise against trying to talk things out whilst in an argument and emotions are high). Pick a time in which you are both calm and willing to listen. Inform him that his behavior has gotten completely out of control and, if this is purely due to his mental health, he needs to see a doctor and get evaluated (or re-evaluated) for treatment that will resolve the problem. Simple apologies will not work in this case, he may be genuinely sorry, in the moment, for his poor past behavior, but apologies will do nothing to fix the root of the problem which is that he is not receiving the proper treatment for his mental issues. If your boyfriend agrees and makes an appointment straight away, great. If he refuses or makes excuses as to why he cannot make an appointment right then and there, then you will need to move onto the next topic of conversation: separation. You cannot continue to live like this with him going untreated, so the two of you will need to discuss living apart (either he leaves to go live elsewhere, or you do).

 

If the two of you do not live together, I suggest living separately until your boyfriend gets the help that he needs. If he never gets the help that he needs, you may want to take a step back and re-evaluate this relationship you are in: do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to get treatment for his mental health and who will behave the way that he does (and probably grow even worse over time) permanently?

[arjumand]

It is more emotionally weak to stay in an abusive situation. Show your family and yourself that you are strong and leave him right now. So what if you are in lock down, go to your family, this is a very bad situation. Don't discuss it with him. Take your stuff and go and don't keep in touch.

[DancingFool]

Look up the cycle of abuse. You are living it with this guy. He might not be beating you physically, but he is beating you emotionally and psychologically.....and of course, when he is not beating you things are lovely. Definition of the cycle of abuse. Things are good, you think it's going to stay like that, in his head things start to turn bad, you are oblivious to that part though, he explodes, you duck and hope that it will go away and go back to the good times and convince yourself that you can control this if only you do this, walk on eggshells, talk to him about it, etc, etc, etc.

 

Do you know when abuse ends? When you find the strength to leave the abuse. That's it. If you keep staying, the cycle will never ever end. It never gets better, it only gets worse as it slowly destroy you as a person.

 

Staying in an abusive relationship is not a sign of strength, it's a sign of weakness and specifically codependence on your part. It really makes me wonder how much of your depression and anxiety are driven by this toxic relationship and if you leave, would you find that you aren't in need of meds because you don't feel so anxious anymore. You are supposed to feel anxious when you are neck deep in sh#t and the idea is NOT to medicate yourself, but to take action to fix your life, aka leave this abusive psycho and work on yourself and your well being so you don't get into another situation like this ever again.

[Hollyj]

This guy is emotionally abusive and you need to get away from him.

 

Who's place is it?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. On top of all the other problems and pressures this guy is bring you down with his anger and using you as a punching bag. You can see anything good because there isn't any. How soon can you get him out of your life?

 

If you are struggling with doctors, insurance or getting prescriptions talk to your pharmacist. Keep in mind antidepressants are often easily renewed but if you are on benzodiazepines you need a long talk with your doctor and pharmacist on using them. Focus on your overall health. tell friends and family about this so you can arrange to extricate yourself from him.

I've been with a guy for over a year now and i'm struggling to see anything good.

[Bumblebee093]

Thank you everyone for your advice!

 

We do live together currently and with the situation we can’t move out or away because of the restrictions. He has sorced help for his problems but then refuses it. Won’t take medication cause he is against it but will smoke... which I told him is just a crutch and he’s not dealing with the issues and he’s agreed. He makes dr appointments then cancels and when I ask him about it he will get defensive and lash out at me saying I don’t understand and I shouldn’t force him. He don’t realise (he probably does though) that his actions have an affect on my emotions and how I see it.

 

Currently now I asked why he’s being short and moody with me and he’s told me I need to stop reading into things. I feel extremely guilty talking about him and it makes me upset. I just feel really alone and lost

[DancingFool]

Thank you everyone for your advice!

 

We do live together currently and with the situation we can’t move out or away because of the restrictions. He has sorced help for his problems but then refuses it. Won’t take medication cause he is against it but will smoke... which I told him is just a crutch and he’s not dealing with the issues and he’s agreed. He makes dr appointments then cancels and when I ask him about it he will get defensive and lash out at me saying I don’t understand and I shouldn’t force him. He don’t realise (he probably does though) that his actions have an affect on my emotions and how I see it.

 

Currently now I asked why he’s being short and moody with me and he’s told me I need to stop reading into things. I feel extremely guilty talking about him and it makes me upset. I just feel really alone and lost

 

Please double check that you are understanding the restrictions correctly. In most places, moving is allowed.

 

Talking to him is pointless. He is showing you through his actions that he is not going to do anything about his issues - see cancelled appointments, not taking meds, etc.

 

Please stop this madness and get out. You aren't going to fix him, save him, or change him and he will continue to abuse you as long as you stay and carry on with him. Being who he is works for HIM..and only him. Stop making excuses for him. He doesn't need them.

[Wiseman2]

Stop telling him what to do or trying to manage his health, medications, habits etc. You are not his mother, doctor or therapist. Back off he is a grown man and if he wants to smoke dope, refuse medical care etc he has every right to. Stop nagging. Just arrange to move out.

 

Instead focus on your own health. That is your job and in your control. Immediately stop trying to fix or change him. It's not your call and yes people lash out when you are way overstepping boundaries and trying to bully someone into changing for your benefit.

 

I told him is just a crutch and he’s not dealing with the issues

when I ask him about it he will get defensive and lash out at me saying I don’t understand and I shouldn’t force him.

He don’t realise (he probably does though) that his actions have an affect on my emotions and how I see it.

[boltnrun]

I am moving. Actually moving to a location that has a high number of cases. Moving companies are essential and so are moving helpers. However, you have family that can help you move your stuff.

 

I read this somewhere:

If you really want to do something you'll find a way. If you don't really want to you'll find an excuse.

[Hollyj]

Thank you everyone for your advice!

 

We do live together currently and with the situation we can’t move out or away because of the restrictions. He has sorced help for his problems but then refuses it. Won’t take medication cause he is against it but will smoke... which I told him is just a crutch and he’s not dealing with the issues and he’s agreed. He makes dr appointments then cancels and when I ask him about it he will get defensive and lash out at me saying I don’t understand and I shouldn’t force him. He don’t realise (he probably does though) that his actions have an affect on my emotions and how I see it.

 

Currently now I asked why he’s being short and moody with me and he’s told me I need to stop reading into things. I feel extremely guilty talking about him and it makes me upset. I just feel really alone and lost

 

Whose place is it?

 

There is I reason. Why you or he cannot move to a family member or friend's home. Stop making excuses .

[Jibralta]

I'm scared to talk to my family and friends as they will see how emotionally weak I am.

 

Wow, you've just validated something that's been swimming around in my head for a couple years.

 

Abused people really do take pride in the amount of B.S. that they deal with. You really do think that putting up with it is a sign of strength.

 

I mean, I can see this is the case with one of my friends, but I feel crazy every time I try to type it out.

 

I've known my friend Dana since I was 15. When I met her, she was with Ralph, who was an abusive, controlling jerk. They were together for years and years.

 

Then she married John, another controlling abuser.

 

Then she married a guy named Jeff, who is extremely popular and charming, but who is also a controlling abuser.

 

She and I went to lunch two years ago, and she told me how her friend rented out part of a bar for her birthday party, but nobody showed up, including Jeff.

 

Then Jeff strolled in at 1:30AM and proceeded to yell at her and insult her in front of the bar patrons.

 

She told me this in the most emotionless, matter-of-fact way. Then she proceeded to tell me that Jeff moved out, stole $100K from her, and won't stop chatting in sex rooms on the internet.

 

All of this she told me without batting an eyelash.

 

She's still with him.

 

The thing about Dana is, it's important to her to be tough, and I really think she'd feel like a weakling or a quitter if she walked away. She'd somehow be betraying him.

 

But it's really the opposite. Taking a beating doesn't make you tough. Standing up for yourself makes you tough.

[boltnrun]

You'd be surprised (or maybe not) how many people say "I'm not a quitter!!!" Or "I don't run away the first time there's an issue!" (even if there have been 457 issues). Or "I try to see the GOOD in people!!" Even if trying to see the alleged "good" means having to ignore or disregard a TON of bad. Or "I don't want to burden my family with my problems." Even if said family would be horrified at what they've been putting up with and would gladly offer help.

 

It all boils down to fear of change IMO. Or my personal fave, "I'm AFRAID to be 'alone'!"

 

Getting yourself out of a bad situation is the ultimate show of strength. Even if it involves asking for help.