How do I let go?

[Wiseman2]

Voice mail. Report him to HR for sexual harassment . You risk losing your job playing this game with him. He's not your friend. He's a cheating drunk.

He is going to eventually call me and I dont know how to respond.

[DancingFool]

Thank you! I have been really short with my responses to his texts but he has been asking if everything is okay and I have been short and have just been texting back yes. He is going to eventually call me and I dont know how to respond. I don't want to escalate the situation bc we are coworkers. I was hoping that he would eventually get the picture and just kind of fade away in the aspect of friends. I hope once he is moved back in with his gf he will give me more space.

 

I guess my question now is what do you do you do with the anger and hurt? I want him to feel the pain that I feel. I want his relationship to work out and not because I want him but bc I want him to feel the emotional turmoil he caused me. And I know that isnt right and I know in order to move on I have to learn to forgive so I can put it past me but I want to know if anyone has ever been through anything similar, how did you get past the pain and anger? My feelings for him change every day. Some days I want to send a novel to him telling him how much of a piece of he is and the next day I remember how much he has been there for me and maybe it is just me and my emotional roller coaster of grief that makes me go from one end of the spectrum to the next.

 

I have also been seeing a therapist for my grief and it really helps but I feel like it lasts for a bit and then I get tight back to the feelings of anger and resentment.

 

Any advice would be great (especially if you have been in a similar situation). Thank you!!

 

First is stop responding to him completely. You think you are being short and hope he'll get the hint, but in his mind, you are responding, therefore you are still weak and vulnerable, can be used some more, can be duped again. Every single response, even a negative one from you is still an open door in his warped head. So cut him off completely.

 

Second is whatever anger you are feeling, do write it out. It actually helps to release a lot of pent up feelings and negative emotions. Only thing is that you never send it. Write it out because "saying it all" will make you feel better, it's a cathartic exercise for you and your well being, but it should never be for anyone else's eyes or ears. Once done, delete it.

 

Third is wanting him both to feel the pain and also to make your pain less is normal...but also an exercise in futility. It's like expecting the guy who robbed you to feel bad about it and bring back your stolen stuff. You know it's not going to happen. The robber meant to rob you and is not going to feel bad about it or return your stuff. He certainly won't show up on your doorstep and give you a big "there there sorry about the stuff I stole, you'll be OK" hug. So, what you do is allow yourself to feel the anger because you were wronged, but you also start working on forgiving yourself - for leaving the door unlocked. It happened and you move forward knowing you won't make that mistake again. That means you stop calling an enemy your friend. He never was.

 

Fourth is what's been said already and most painful - accepting that he was never your friend, never really there for you. He saw you as vulnerable prey and took full advantage. A wolf in sheep's clothing. Sure he pretense felt real and might well have helped you, but you don't owe him anything for that.

 

Finally, it's great that you are getting grief counseling. Please keep working away at that. Other than that, when these angry thoughts start to overwhelm you or even just when you find yourself thinking about him too much, literally get up and do something else. Start to force your mind away from that topic. Not easy, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Time helps, but moving on from bad things requires some willful effort as well. Sometimes you literally have to tell yourself "I'm going to think about something else." and force yourself to do so, so that you don't get stuck in the negative cycle forever.

 

In fact, make a list of things to do that make you happy or that you enjoy and if nothing comes to mind, that itself is a good exercise. Shifting your brain from focusing on pain to trying to sort out what would be positive. Forget big things, think small every day kind of things. Like a good cup of coffee early in the morning kind of small stuff. Organized that drawer I've been meaning to for ages and now feel that small pang of satisfaction. It may seem trivial, but these small things do really add up to helping to get to that sense of well being and peace with yourself, in your own skin, in your environment.

[Jibralta]

I just don't understand how he could do that to two people he claims to care about.

 

You will never understand. He's a totally different creature than you are. He takes without giving.

 

Think of him as a parasite. There are a lot of people like him out there. Best thing to do with them is swat them away like you would a mosquito.

 

Any advice would be great (especially if you have been in a similar situation). Thank you!!

I agree with what DancingFool has written. It's a process, and it's going to take some time to get through it. But you will. One day, you'll look back on this without any pain.

[Kjl3n14]

Okay, if I do cut him off completely and not respond or block him on social media. It will be obvious to our coworkers and to him that something is wrong. I have been playing nice for awhile now. He is going to think it came out of nowhere. Do I explain myself on why I am cutting all contact or just block him on everything. We work together and although right now with the pandemic I can rely on not seeing him, we will eventually come face to face to each other and that gives me anxiety in itself! I want him to know I mean business this time bc I have always forgiven him in the past and have always tried doing no contact but eventually after a few days, I forgive him after I cave bc he sends me long text apologies. Pathetic I know. I just really cared for this guy and I was manipulated into thinking he cared about me too. I just hate how he keeps pushing us to be friends when I know us not talking at all would help his relationship. But for whatever reason anytime I say i don't want to be friends anymore he responds with all this i don't want to lose you and you are best friend nonsense. Like I said, me cutting all contact with him won't surprise him until I do it for a longer period of time bc he knows that if history repeats himself, I will eventually come around.

 

I just don't want this to roll into work. We all are friends and super close. They will notice of we all of a sudden aren't talking anymore. And I know it isn't their business but I don't want to have it be a thing at work where people talk about it or wonder what happened.

[DancingFool]

Okay, if I do cut him off completely and not respond or block him on social media. It will be obvious to our coworkers and to him that something is wrong. I have been playing nice for awhile now. He is going to think it came out of nowhere. Do I explain myself on why I am cutting all contact or just block him on everything. We work together and although right now with the pandemic I can rely on not seeing him, we will eventually come face to face to each other and that gives me anxiety in itself! I want him to know I mean business this time bc I have always forgiven him in the past and have always tried doing no contact but eventually after a few days, I forgive him after I cave bc he sends me long text apologies. Pathetic I know. I just really cared for this guy and I was manipulated into thinking he cared about me too. I just hate how he keeps pushing us to be friends when I know us not talking at all would help his relationship. But for whatever reason anytime I say i don't want to be friends anymore he responds with all this i don't want to lose you and you are best friend nonsense. Like I said, me cutting all contact with him won't surprise him until I do it for a longer period of time bc he knows that if history repeats himself, I will eventually come around.

 

I just don't want this to roll into work. We all are friends and super close. They will notice of we all of a sudden aren't talking anymore. And I know it isn't their business but I don't want to have it be a thing at work where people talk about it or wonder what happened.

 

Tell him this is no longer working for you and that you will be blocking him because it's in your best interest to help you deal with issues in your life. A version of it's not you it's me. Then actually do block him so you aren't being manipulated back into things like in the past. He knows he can, so he will try. You will need to stand your ground here.

 

As for work friends....I mean....people aren't really that stupid. They probably know or suspect there was more than friendship going on, they also probably know he is a cheater. You cutting him off might get more private support than you realize. That said, be careful about putting a lot of stock into work friends as people tend to put on a smile and pretend a lot while not sharing what they really think about the situation. You are all stuck working together after all. If you think people will ask what happened, you can always come up with some neutral response as well along the lines of need to focus on other things in life.

 

You really need to work hard on developing genuine friendships outside of work once this virus situation is over. Work friendships can be treacherous.

[reinventmyself]

If you think people will ask what happened, you can always come up with some neutral response as well along the lines of need to focus on other things in life.

.

You'll be surprised how short peoples attention span are. They may notice for moment, then they'll move on to the next shiny object.

[Wiseman2]

Stop chasing him. He went back with his gf. Spend time with your own bf. Where is your bf, also on lock-down? Leave this guy alone, he is not interested.

with the pandemic I can rely on not seeing him, we will eventually come face to face to each other and that gives me anxiety in itself

[Jibralta]

I just don't want this to roll into work. We all are friends and super close. They will notice of we all of a sudden aren't talking anymore. And I know it isn't their business but I don't want to have it be a thing at work where people talk about it or wonder what happened.

 

I've had something like this happen once, and I ended up treading a very thin line with communication. If I stopped communicating, he might cause a scene. So, what I did was be super friendly and noncommittal. It was awkward for a while, then everyone settled in. He ended up moving away and leaving the job, but not before asking me, "Should I move?" Not to be manipulated, I said, "YES!" And he did!

[Kjl3n14]

And just like i thought, the minute I stopped being responsive and started being more stand off ish with my texts and only answering when needed while remaining polite, he texts me asking me if I want to hang tonight. Ps I haven't seen him since the quarantine but he has tried to see me multiple times and I have made excuses. Why is he trying to literally leave the house he is soon going to be living in again with his gf to hang with me. Ridiculous and indont get it. If she is so uncomfortable with our friendship why are you continously pushing to keep our friendship when you know what it can cost you. His life would be easier to let me go but he isn't and I don't understand why.

[boltnrun]

Because you allow it.

 

He has successfully in the past gotten you to start things with him again. So why should this time be any different?

[bluecastle]

His life would be easier to let me go but he isn't and I don't understand why.

 

Could this same sentence not apply to you as well? Locate the truest reason why you won't let go and, odds are, you'll understand his instincts.

 

My sense here, following this thread, is that you are both struggling to accept the hard facts here—namely, that your friendship was not an authentic friendship so much as an authentic affair that played out under the label of "friendship." I'm not negating the real support, connection, and even the "care," but I'm saying that was fueled by a sexual charge, sexual attraction, the intoxication of attention, the intoxication of intoxicants, and eventual consummation of all that—in the kiss when he was still in a relationship, in whatever happened after he was quasi broken up.

 

You know it was wrong, but you miss it. He knows it was wrong, but he misses it.

 

No judgement, truly. Name a mistake and I've probably made it, including some similar scenarios. Hurt people seek out hurt people, and all that leads to more hurt, in the indulgence of bad habits. It happens, and it happened. You two made a mess. You're still hanging onto each other, at least in part, because if you can figure out a way to be "cool" it means you don't have to own the hard facts.

 

Forgive yourself this chapter and you'll find, in time, you're anger at him will subside. Lean into sturdier, less shady support systems, while cooly letting him know you're busy, and in time—less than you know—you'll find he backs away, stops asking. All you have to do, when you're ready, is decide that cultivating authentic connections is more important to you than cultivating this one.

[Kjl3n14]

@bluecastle thank you! I appreciate your input. You are definitely right. I knew it was wrong even when it felt right. I know we were never each others to lose. I just think we are addicted to each other and it isn't healthy. To be honest, I just keep replaying everything in my head over and over. How I could of handled things differently or times I should have put my foot down or spoke up for myself. Now this is just going to have be a hard lesson for me to learn which sucks but that is life right. Now I have to somehow figure out a way to get passed the pain. Find a way to forgive him and myself. Its like just when I feel like I'm strong and I have figured it all out a thought or mememory knocks me down and I'm consumed by what he meant by something he said in the past. And i get angry because when it is all said and done he got away with. He got his cake and ate it too. And I was just collateral damage. I hate that he got the best of both worlds and now he just gets to go back to his old life like he didnt destroy mine in the process. Like he didn't break down my walls and use me to his advantage. And yet he stills doing it now. I know i sound like a broken record so I appreciate everyone's input. You guys have really been helping me process and get everything out.

[Wiseman2]

Both you you engaged in this willingly. He got kicked out and therefore suffered a bit from your affair more than you but not as much as his gf.. He did not destroy anything for you unless your bf/husband left. or you lost your job. If neither of those things happened then anything you willingly engaged in with him leaves you in a place where you can simply move on. You chased him hard and refused to set boundaries.

 

You knew he lived with someone. Unfortunately affairs never end well. The best part of all this is now you have that lesson behind you. He never "used you" you chased him and tried to continue to engage him despite his gf. If anything stop feeling sorry for yourself and feel sorry for his gf. Not only did you and he hurt her, she has to live with this bozo now.🤡

i get angry because when it is all said and done he got away with. I was just collateral damage. I hate that he got the best of both worlds and now he just gets to go back to his old life like he didnt destroy mine in the process. Like he didn't break down my walls and use me to his advantage.

[Kjl3n14]

@wiseman2 You clearly didn't read my thread. I never chased him. Ever. I never pursued him. He tried to kiss me multiple times through out our friendship which I always backed away and never let happen. He confessed he had feelings for me. Two weeks after my dad passed away, I kissed him in a drunken grief moment. Do I regret it? Of course!! Do I think being drunk is an excuse? Of course not! But up until that point I had never given in to his advances or have ever come onto him. I was vulnerable and had a little to much to drink and he had been there for me and I stupidly kissed him. I get it. I made a mistake! But anything that happened after that was not pursued by me! And I said we both weren't ready bc of our situations and HE pushed for it. I should have known better but again, I wasn't myself. I was drowning in pain.

[Wiseman2]

Ok then stop blaming him. just leave him alone and delete and block him. When you blame others for your actions you feel pain but don't learn anything and don't get better. The pain just continues because you blame all sorts of external causes for you behavior, actions and feelings. Some short term therapy could help you unpack and explore things such as grief, boundaries etc. Sort out your grief because drinking and sleeping with other women's bfs are destructive ways to cope.

I made a mistake! I should have known better but again, I wasn't myself.

[bluecastle]

And i get angry because when it is all said and done he got away with. He got his cake and ate it too. And I was just collateral damage. I hate that he got the best of both worlds and now he just gets to go back to his old life like he didnt destroy mine in the process.

 

I wonder if you can see these sentences as a story, one you're telling right now to cope with some hard feelings, rather than reality. Casting him as the malicious villain and yourself as the vulnerable innocent—yeah, that can bring about a jagged form of comfort, but the jagged part comes at a cost. It requires you to abandon your own power and agency, to make this all something that was done to you, rather than a thing that two people did together. In the end, as is always the case, your control begins and ends with only one of those people: yourself.

 

You both, as you admitted, have an addiction to the other that is unhealthy. People who are addicted to things—people, substances, whatever—struggle to make informed, compassionate choices. Also? Talk to any addict and they will tell you how much they hate the drug, because they hate the power it has over them, and the part of them that is not resistant to that power. It's understandable. But it's also important to understand that heroin, say, is not actually evil. It's just a substance with no moral weight that can seriously mess with human morals. Kicking the habit is hard. Withdrawal is hard.

 

So maybe think of this moment as that? Kicking a bad habit, going through some withdrawal. Not fun, no, but there is power in all that, and eventually peace and freedom. It reduces him, and whatever choices he makes in his life, to what he is: a bad habit, not a boogieman. You do seem to see all that, which is great, and here you are talking it out, making heads and tails of it all, which is super great. Hard stuff. But also, I'd say, the opposite of being "destroyed." More like "rebuilding," but with better materials. If you are a house—and, in ways, you are—he is a building material you've realized, or are realizing, does not add to the structural integrity.

 

I say train the crosshairs on that idea, and continue rebuilding.

[Kjl3n14]

I'm really trying. I just can't let go of this anger I have and I don't know what to do with it. I get what you are saying but I wish I could explain all that was said and done on his side. I know I had a choice and chose to believe him time and time again. And I have no one to blame for me for that. I just don't know how to let go and be okay with what he did like nothing ever happened. Like all is forgiven. But I want to forgive. I want to forgive him and myself but I just don't know how to do that when I keep replaying things that have happened in my head that cause my anger and anxiety. I'm just hurting and struggling to get out of a hard situation. It would be one thing if I knew I would never see him again but I will because we are coworkers. So I have to at least be civil to some degree. I have been playing it off like everything is fine but it isn't fine and I'm not okay. But what do I do? Lash out? No. So how do I just let it all go without feeling like he gets away with everything and I don't feel like I'm just condoning the behavior like everything is fine.

[Jibralta]

Unfortunately, you can't turn emotions off with a button or a switch. You simply have to endure them, and cope with them until they fade. Best way to avoid this pain in the future is to be more mindful about who you allow into your life on this level.

[Wiseman2]

Please read up on stages of grief and look into hospital based, online or some sort of grief support group. Reach out to real friends and family. Stop worrying about this guy. Focus on the loss of your father and realize that some of your pain, anger and anxiety is more related to the loss of your father than some flirty inappropriate drinking buddy. Just because he listened doesn't mean he was genuinely supportive.

I just can't let go of this anger I have and I don't know what to do with it.. I'm just hurting and struggling to get out of a hard situation.

[No1]

You are thinking too much. Your solution is really simple.. Quit having him in your life.

 

I know its easier said than done and I know its just way easier to have him in your life and that way no one gets hurt. But the problem is that every day he is in your life, you feel more anxiety, think more, worry more and in the long run, its going to affect you a lot.

 

So the solution is to purge him from your life. Yes, the answer to your problems is that. Very simple solution, very hard to execute but you can do it. And this means, deleting his number from your phone, remove him from your social media (you don't have to block if you don't want to) and this also means you DO NOT look at his social media. Social media is the devil when it comes to your healing. So if you allow curiosity to get the better of you, its going to get the better of you. You delete all text, messages, emails, pictures or anything that makes your blood pressure go up. It doesn't matter if you have the number memorized, you delete it.

 

It can be done.. you can do it

[bluecastle]

Unfortunately, you can't turn emotions off with a button or a switch. You simply have to endure them, and cope with them until they fade. Best way to avoid this pain in the future is to be more mindful about who you allow into your life on this level.

 

Great advice, right here, particularly the bold.

 

You've gone through a lot in a short time: the death of your father, and then what essentially amounts to a major romantic disappointment from a romance that, well, should never have been indulged. Probably on some subconscious level you thought the romance would cure the grief—which it did, briefly, in much the way a shot of whiskey can "cure" a broken arm—and when it failed to all those feelings are flooding back, but even sharper, as they're joined by new ones. Hard emotional waves you have to just ride, and that you can ride. It is okay, in short, to not be okay right now. Give yourself that space—and space away from him—to feel your way through this.

[Kjl3n14]

Thank you all for your feedback. I really appreciate it! Even the things I didn't want to hear but needed to hear. I finally was honest about it all with him. I wasn't at first because I didn't want to appear vulnerable or seem weak. I didn't want to admit that he hurt me but in order to get fully passed it i had to finally admit to myself and to him that he did in fact hurt me. Telling him felt a sigh of relief. It hurts to feel cut open and vulnerable but I had to put it all out in order to move forward. Now hopefully I can do what I need to do for me. I hope the strength i feel now lasts. Thank you all again. I have a new found appreciation for this site.

[bluecastle]

Good to hear.

 

Being vulnerable, I think, is just an offshoot of being strong, and being honest, as you were, is never weak. Sounds like you've laid the groundwork for moving forward, past this chapter and onto a new one.

[Kjl3n14]

I want to first start off my saying thank you again to everyone who gave me advice!! I have been sticking strong and keeping my distance. He has reached out a couple of times but I have been strong in not responding. I wanted to jump on to ask if it is normal to have feel good and then be hit with a really bad day. I know it has only been 5 days but I feel like I felt so confident in my decision when I chose to take him out of my life and ignore him but now I find myself getting anxiety again about the future. Questions like will I be okay when the shelter in place is lifted and I have to see him at work. I dont have to talk to him outside of work but I'm nervous that I will cave once we go back if he tries to talk to me. I dont want him to knoe he has that kind of affect on me but I also hope that hy that time I will be in a more stable head space. I know the sayint goes time heals all wounds but I just felt I was making moves to feeling better and then I just had a bad afternoon with anxiety. I dont like feeling like I was taking steps forward only for me to feel like I'm taking steps back.

[Jibralta]

Yes, it's very normal to feel like this. Anxiety often comes in waves, like you describe.

 

As you pointed out, your work situation will soon be changing and you will need to test new coping strategies when that happens.

 

You don't yet know how effective they will be, so that uncertainty is adding anxiety. So is the anticipation of waiting.

 

It might be worth looking into the Stages of Grief, or Cycle of Grief, which are theories on the way that people process loss emotionally.

 

Firstly, you are still probably dealing with the loss of your father and knowledge of grief will help you to cope.

 

Secondly, any loss can trigger feelings of grief, even the loss of a relationship.

 

You'll see that it isn't a linear process and that setbacks are common. That should help you feel less uncertain about your trajectory.