How do I let go?

[bluecastle]

Totally normal, yes.

 

Much as we like to find comfort in thinking of these things in terms of steps—forward, back—it really doesn't work that way. Feelings come and go, some sweet, some sharp, none of them permanent but all of them needing to be honored. Maybe try to think of this as something to feel through for a bit, with time your best friend, rather than something "bad" to step away from into something "good." That way it's more about accepting the process of grieving loss—the loss of your father, the loss of a guy who, for a time, seemed to mitigate that larger loss—rather than seeking comfort in clarity in results.

[Kjl3n14]

I appreciate it! I think I have just been in my head alot lately (which I know most of us have been due to quarantine. I think i would be alot better off if I was able to speak with friends and family face to face. Losing my dad, and then my grandma recently, and now this guy has just been an overwhelming amount of loss for me. You are right that I think i have projected my own grief for my dad onto these other loses. I haven't fully accepted my dads loss and I know that. Like I have said in a previous reply, I am now just afraid of loss bc of the overwhelming pain it caused me this year so now I feel like i have to hold onto everyone with the tightest grip. I have to learn that not everyone is a loss and sometimes people are meant to come into your life, just not meant to stay. I know it doesn't change the hurt but I'm trying to remind myself that we all go through these losses and experience grief in different forms. These forums help to remind me I'm not alone bc sometimes you feel like that even though you know deep down that it is far from the truth.

 

I will try and remind myself that I will have good days and bad but to always remember to just keeping pushing forward and the pain I feel today will soon be a memory months from now. Time heals all wounds. It is just about getting through that time to get to the other side of acceptance. I can't promise I won't come back to this thread to get some encouragement when I am having a hard day. I appreciate everyone's advice and stories of similar experiences. ❤

[bluecastle]

Come back whenever you need an ear! We're hear to listen, best we can.

 

You touched on something I think is pretty profound: the idea that some people come into our lives for a period, but aren't meant to stay. It's hard to find comfort in that notion, but if you can? Well, I think it offers a perspective on these moments that can help.

 

Head up, deep breaths, trust time. It's on your side, more than you know.

[Kjl3n14]

I had two good days and then a bad. Today is bad. I have really high anxiety. Thinking about my coworker alot and I find myself going back to what I used to do when I would try to cut him off. I start remembering the good times and how he was there for me and then debate on forgiving him. It is has been 7 days now (which is the longest we have ever gone without talking). He has reached out a couple of times but i have not responded in any way. I am starting to miss him though and wonder if he misses me too. I know it's stupid and I know we can't be friends again. I just am struggling with letting go. Like I have mentioned in a previous reply. I am struggling with forgiveness versus anger. One day I feel forgiving and other days I am just so angry. I know this is the best for everyone involved and I know I'll make it out on the other side stronger but I'm starting to wonder how he is doing and feeling about the situation. Is he happy? Is he sad? Is he indifferent? I want to reach out but I know I won't. I now know that I'm strong enough to push forward and not reach out no matter how much I want to. It is just hard to distract my thoughts from him during quarintine and knowing we are going back to work June 1st is making nervous as well. If anyone has gone through anything similar, I would love some feedback or advice.

[Jibralta]

I think you're doing ok.

 

This is an internal struggle.

 

Reaching out to him is just a temporary fix.

 

Not even a fix; a band-aid: It may make you feel better now, but in the long run, it's irrelevant.

 

I understand about June 1st, but you will cross that bridge when you get to it. Worrying simply will not help you.

 

Try to relax and enjoy this time you have to yourself.

[Spawn]

I had two good days and then a bad. Today is bad. I have really high anxiety. Thinking about my coworker alot and I find myself going back to what I used to do when I would try to cut him off. I start remembering the good times and how he was there for me and then debate on forgiving him. It is has been 7 days now (which is the longest we have ever gone without talking). He has reached out a couple of times but i have not responded in any way. I am starting to miss him though and wonder if he misses me too. I know it's stupid and I know we can't be friends again. I just am struggling with letting go. Like I have mentioned in a previous reply. I am struggling with forgiveness versus anger. One day I feel forgiving and other days I am just so angry. I know this is the best for everyone involved and I know I'll make it out on the other side stronger but I'm starting to wonder how he is doing and feeling about the situation. Is he happy? Is he sad? Is he indifferent? I want to reach out but I know I won't. I now know that I'm strong enough to push forward and not reach out no matter how much I want to. It is just hard to distract my thoughts from him during quarintine and knowing we are going back to work June 1st is making nervous as well. If anyone has gone through anything similar, I would love some feedback or advice.

 

First thing understand , this is the way your body is trying to adjust to a new dynamic, a new reality. There will be lots of bumps through this journey but you will need to understand its perfectly normal to go through all this.

Just keep going and never look back as its important for you and your health.

 

have you thought of being with yourself for a while, staying away from all the drama, hope you have blocked that person off from your personal life. You will need to practice self control a lot start with baby steps each day and start doing something for yourself. Meditation help too, start with 5min, add 1 minute to it daily, lie down and just observe the silence around you, but you need to try to get this in your routine slowly. Do it early morning, it takes 3 weeks or month for it to become a habit. Try it.

 

Be patient with yourself, everything is normal, i am going through this, its been 6 months for me, never looked back, never will.

[Kjl3n14]

I have been myself and like I mentioned some days I feel good and other days, not so strong. I miss him. Or maybe maybe just my idea of him. I miss alot of different people for many reasons. I just have experienced alot of loss this past year. So now I find myself feeling more forgiving because I know how things can change in an instant. How as humans, we waste so much time on anger. It is in my nature to forgive but I'm still struggling with this one. A relationship I was in off and on for 15 years felt less painful than this. But as most of you pointed out I think bc I'm grieving 3 people at once, I might be projecting the different pains and emotions onto the wrong person. Maybe i don't really miss him, i miss my dad but I have projected that onto him to mask the true pain.

 

He is living back with his gf again and they are doing home projects to their home and I find myself angry that he gets to move on without a scratch on him and I'm over here trying to keep myself together day in and day out. Some days I seek revenge or the urge to send a message or call but I never do or will I ever. I believe what you put into this world, comes back. I dont want this to change me. It's just really hard for me accept that he just gets to be happy right away. Its not fair. Life is not fair. I'm really not trying to throw myself a pity party, I understand what happened. I know this is life and everyone is and will go through pain. I just feel used, betrayed, lead on, disrespected, and so much more by someone who told me they loved me. Who I told to that I wasnt ready for anything but he kept pushing down wall after wall.. he wanted to get to know everything about me. He put me in his will..I just dont get it but I guess im not supposed to.. He wiped away tears from my eyes during the hardest times of my life. He pretended to be my friend with pure intentions. I want to forgive him and myself for not seeing the red flags. I dont want to wish he wasn't happy and felt my pain. I dont want to think about him at all.

[Kjl3n14]

okay, so I'm back. I have stuck it out and still haven't been in contact since the 15th. I'm not going to lie, some days are better than others. Some days I feel okay and other days I truly miss him. I want to call or text but I dont. So anyway I have been good since the 15th, he sent me a text on th 17th and then again pn the 28th (which I still have not responded but not going to lie, the first text was short basically just saying hope all is well and then this past one was long and he apoligized for alot but I still haven't responded. I am starting to get anxiety real bad bc we are going back to work in a couple of weeks and I'm starting to wonder how that will affect me. I want to be over this already and I just don't know how to be. I want to be able to move forward with no anger or hurt in my heart. I want to be able to stop thinking about the situation and wonder if he thinks about me. Is that crazy?! I hate and love him at the same exact time. I honestly just want to figure out a way to be professional but I'm afraid the minute I see him all the progress I made is going to a void. Has anyone gone through anything similiar at work? How did you get past it? I need as much advice as I can get. Thanks in advance!

[bluecastle]

As someone who has always worked from home, I can't totally relate. But I've gotten in some sticky entanglements with people where I have to share space with them on a near daily basis, and have found it generally follows an arc: always more awkward in the mind than in reality, particularly in the anticipatory stage you're in; awkward and difficult at first in reality; then eventually settling into something that, well, is what it is. Not the best, not the worst, kind of like most days we have going through the world. Sometimes you have to just go through the motions for the motions to be manageable.

 

That's a bit whimsical, I know, but right now? You're kind of spinning around, forecasting, a bit like me planning a trip to the beach and then freaking out about the potential of a hurricane or a tsunami, or maybe just food poisoning at the hotel after reading an angry tirade on TripAdvisor. All those things are possible, sure, but what are my options? I like the beach, want to go, not unlike you and work. Not sure if you "like" your job, but jobs and jobs, money is money. There are some things we just have to do, and sometimes that have to can be an anchor when nothing else is.

 

One way to cushion the spins? I wonder if you can let go of the idea that they need to stop, and stop now. They will. Nothing spins forever, not you or me, not the thoughts in our heads. That's just a fact. Just speaking for myself, sometimes just honoring that fact slows things down, stabilizes the thoughts and feelings a bit, rather than thinking I need to push myself to feel x instead of y, to think a instead of b.

 

You're in a bit of a purgatory right now. Understandably. It's okay. But can I ask: What are you doing, on the day to day, to feel better, stronger, more secure?

 

I'll be straight with you: I am, as I write this, about as shaken up as I've been in a long time. Lots going on in the world, some hits to my own little world as well. Not an "easy" time, in short, as it feels like every wall I lean against turns out to be a wall about to fall down. So I did 100 push ups this morning—felt like a chore, but I know it's good for me, my own walls—then I called my best friend, talked to him for an hour or so, shared some of my feelings and asked him a lot of questions about his life, his own feelings. Talked to my mom. Donated to a few causes. Went surfing, then did some work I probably won't be paid for but that made me feel a bit more grounded. Net result? While nothing has changed to make everything "better" in my day, I do feel better.

[Kjl3n14]

Thank you! I really appreciate your insight. When I am not working, I try and go for a run everyday after work and/or kickboxing. I like to get in my car and take a drive around the neighborhood just to listen to some music and get some fresh air and change of scenery.

 

I guess now it is hard because we hang with people in the same circle and it has become increasingly harder to bite my tongue. I have and will continue to do so because I would never be that person but I guess I am struggling with who I am in a way. Trying to decipher of me being a bigger person looks more like a doormat or if I should pride myself in always seeing the positive and always willing to forgive because hey! We are all human right? We make mistakes. I just am struggling with who I am and if who I have been is what has been hurting me and my relationships. I'm sure this doesn't make any sense so I apoligize if I sound like a broken record. Just like everyone else, I am trying to figure things out during this crazy time we are living in. I guess I am just lost trying to find my way back to me.

[Kjl3n14]

Okay so I caved. I decided to not have any contact with him on a personal level but I broke that after day 21 (which is the longest we have ever gone without speaking). He texted day 2 just saying he was checking in on me bc he wanted to make sure all was well. I never responded. A couple weeks later he texted me with a huge apology and then asked if I could just give him a couple minutes to hear him out. I never responded. He then just texted me this past weekend. I am not going to lie, I was getting nervous about not responding to him because we are going back to work next week, and I was afraid to see him when I have been ignoring him this entire time. I felt almost obligated to respond or make it so it wouldn't be awkward at work. I dont do well with conflict and it was making me anxious thinking about how uncomfortable i would be. It was small talk, he just said hey. I said hey back. Whats up and then asked when I was going back in the office and then said he heard that me and a coworker of ours were debating on going to his restaurant. I told him we had dinner arrangements somewhere else so we shall see if we could make it (our coworker thinks we are still friends so when she brought up visiting him, I said maybe but I purposely made the reservations for late in the night so we wouldn't be able to see him. Side note: most colleagues are unaware about what happened. Anyways, he mentioned a beer that they have that I would like and I said I would give it a shot. That was the end of text convo but Idk why i feel worse now after contact. I knew i was eventually going to have to talk to him. Why did I feel so defeated that I texted a few measley texts?! To be honest, I don't want going back to work to be completely weird so I caved and responded. Would i have honestly felt better waiting until I was at work?! I mean I never responded to his apology or said I would give him the time to talk to me. Or said anything about forgiving him. Does me responding, maybe give him the idea that I have forgiven him or that I would give our friendship another shot like he asked? Idk if this is all in my head and I'm overthinking it (probably). My anxiety usually gets the best of me but for whatever reason, I felt like crap after sending literally only 4 texts. I dont get it. Maybe some unbiased opinions will help. Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

He has a GF. Stop carrying on the affair. You both crossed the line, so stop pretending it's just friends

[boltnrun]

If you felt "friendly" toward him you would not be this anguished. Therefore you can't be friends.

 

I imagine you don't want to be his secret side woman.

 

It's possible to tell him you won't be communicating with him outside of work any longer.

[Jibralta]

To be honest, I don't want going back to work to be completely weird so I caved and responded. Would i have honestly felt better waiting until I was at work?! I mean I never responded to his apology or said I would give him the time to talk to me. Or said anything about forgiving him.

 

I get it, and I think what you did was a good way of side-stepping the situation and preventing the spread of awkwardness. It's going to be like this for a while, so you'd better get clever.

 

I know that "No Contact," is the popular modus operandi for breakups and such, but frankly I don't think it's a one-size-fits-all solution.

 

Does me responding, maybe give him the idea that I have forgiven him or that I would give our friendship another shot like he asked? Idk if this is all in my head and I'm overthinking it (probably). My anxiety usually gets the best of me but for whatever reason, I felt like crap after sending literally only 4 texts. I dont get it. Maybe some unbiased opinions will help. Thank you!

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks, only what you think and what you do. You have control of this situation, not him.

[Kjl3n14]

Thank you! I really appreciate your comment @jibralta. I guess i am just super anxious about seeing him for the first time after all that I said. I am trying to keep my cool but I'm nervous that I am going to give a physical reaction when I see him for the first time and I dont want it to empower him. I am getting better but I'm still hurting and I just want to be able to move forward with positive thinking. I dont want him to have an affect on me period. I know that will take time but I hope he doesn't try to come talk to me because I will get anxious and uncomfortable and probably blush (have always been a blusher in uncomfortable situations). I guess if anyone has any ideas that have helped them ease their anxiety, I would love to hear them. I know I can't complete ease the anxiety for that first interaction but I want to prepare myself and come up with the best way to ease the nerves. As always I appreciate the kind words and feedback.

[Kjl3n14]

@Wiseman2 Where did I say I was trying to be friends? I literally asked for advice on how to heal from anxiety with seeing him at work after breaking my silence from him.

[Spawn]

well avoid him at all costs no eye contacts no snaring no teas coffees mind your own business

anxiety is somethin you can control a lot with simple inhale exhale breathin exercises

meditation helps too.

if this person comes and talks to you tell them you are busy and keep your focus on work

[Kjl3n14]

I go back to work this week and I am in knots about it. Worse part? It probably isnt phasing him at all. He got everything he wanted. If he approaches me at work should I respond with morning pleasantries or the cold shoulder? If I do the pleasantries, does that tell him that all is forgiven? Or if I ignore like I was before doesnt that show him he still has an effect on me? I know obviously me posting this, he clearly does. BUT I don’t want him to know that. I know all the scenarios in my head are not even close to how it will actually go but I am just nervous. And still hurt and afraid of it showing at work. Ridiculous, I know but it is the truth.

[boltnrun]

"Hello. So I'm pretty busy with everything involved with returning to work so I don't have time to catch up right now. Sorry."

[Jibralta]

If I do the pleasantries, does that tell him that all is forgiven? Or if I ignore like I was before doesnt that show him he still has an effect on me? I know obviously me posting this, he clearly does. BUT I don’t want him to know that. I know all the scenarios in my head are not even close to how it will actually go but I am just nervous. And still hurt and afraid of it showing at work. Ridiculous, I know but it is the truth.

 

The good news is, all of this is going on in your head. Unless you literally tell him your private thoughts and turmoil, he has no way of knowing. So, factor that concern completely out of the equation. Best thing to do here is maintain pleasantries and keep your distance. I think boltnrun's suggestion will work well.

[Wiseman2]

Treat him like any other coworker. Not aloof, not flirty. Neutral. Professional.

If he approaches me at work should I respond with morning pleasantries or the cold shoulder? If I do the pleasantries, does that tell him that all is forgiven? Or if I ignore like I was before doesnt that show him he still has an effect on me?

[Kjl3n14]

Haven't had to see him yet! Fingers crossed it stays like this the rest of the week!