How do I let go?

[Kjl3n14]

Let's start from the beginning. I have a coworker who I became best friends with. We have been coworkers for about 4 years and best friends for about 3. He had a girlfriend the entire time. We talked about everything and anything. Long story short my dad passed away less a than a year ago and when he did my best friend became my rock. We already talked daily but when my dad was sick but when he passed, we practically were inseparable. Keep in mind, during the course of our friendship, he did try to kiss me on multiple occasions or say things he should not say when in a committed relationship. I always pushed away and he would apologize for his behavior the next day and it was always water under the bridge. Well this time, a couple of weeks after my dad died, I initiated a kiss when I was extremely intoxicated. I immediately regretted it and started crying. We talked about in the following day at work and kept going back and forth on if he should tell his gf. He did and she was upset (understandably) but I explained that I was upset and didn't mean anything by it. She told him she didn't want us to be friends anymore which he said he wouldn't do. So she kicked him out of their place and he moved into a friend's house. During the first few months I was drowning my grief in booze and so was he. We made a couple of drunken mistakes but always talked in the morning that we were better off as friends. But he keeps throwing mix signals and I don't understand why. He never know what he wants from me. He told me a couple of times that I was the love of his life and his best friend but we knew we couldn't be together. Call it timing or it just wasn't a good fit but I felt the same way. My problem now is that his ex and him are back together and he is moving back in to their house but he still says stuff to me drunk that I don't understand why he would say to me. It's like he is testing boundaries to see how far he can go but we are supposed to be friends and now I almost feel like a rebound and that hurts. I don't know how to stay friends when he keeps throwing me mix signals. I don't want to lose him but I'm starting to think I have to walk away. How do I let go of a best friend who possibly took advantage of me while I was grieving. How do I get passed it? Do I stop being friends altogether? If so, how do Iet go of someone who is a huge part of my support system?

[Seraphim]

A person in a committed relationship should NEVER be a part of your support system. You block him on everything and start looking for a new job.

[melancholy123]

You cant be friends with this guy. Boundaries were crossed and should not be crossed again. Getting a new job is a reasonable solution tho may be very hard given the pandemic right now. So keep your distance, dont get drawn in again. Also, dont drink so much.

[Andrina]

A taken person with whom you also have chemistry with is the person you should never allow yourself to get close to. You had an emotional affair with a co-worker. He isn't a good bf to his current gf nor would he ever be a good bf to you. You both crossed boundaries, and two unethical people will never have a successful relationship. If you don't make wise decisions when you're drunk, then don't get drunk.

 

Learn from your mistakes, moving forward, and start treating him like any other co-worker. Pleasant but no longer friends and no longer any social media contact. All discussions need to be about work only. Apply for other jobs if that's a reasonable thing for your career.

 

Male/femaie close friendships usually have a short shelf life, because most partners don't like their bf or gf having a bestie of the opposite sex. I know I wouldn't date a guy who had that situation, even if she had a hatchet face, since for me it's not about not trusting. It's just something I'm not comfortable with. If you choose this route in life, you will have a smaller pool of men to choose from in the dating pool. If it's a bf you want, stop pouring all your emotional energy into a deadend whose just not that into you, and even if he was, he doesn't seem to have the capability of being faithful. People's ethics rarely change.

[Hollyj]

Get a new job and end all contact with this guy.

[No1]

If they like you, you will know. If they don't, they will have you confused.

 

First thing, he is not your best friend. He might of been there thru a tough time but he is not your best friend. He wanted to get you and eventually he did. Now that he has a chance to be with you, he balks at the idea. So get that out of the way now.

Second thing. You can not be friends with him as long as you have feelings for him. Sounds like you are waving the flag of "friendship" as a way to keep yourself in his circle. So no, you cant be friends with him as long as you want him.

Third thing. You never had him and he was never yours to lose. You asked how can you somehow do this without "losing" him. Sorry, but he was never yours to begin with. He had his chance to be with you and he went back to the other girl. In a harsh reality check. You were not even his second choice.

 

Sometimes you just have to let people go, its not what you want to hear but its what you should do right now. Im not saying he has to leave your life forever, just for now. The feelings of wanting him have to go away before you can be his friend. So be honest with yourself and admit you have feelings for him. And that's okay to admit, but not ok to fake being a friend.

 

We learn from out mistakes and we should grow from them. Its alright if he never comes back into your life and you will be a better person for what happened. So I would say, let him go. Let him lead his own life with this girl and you just go on your own path. Work on you and make you happy then let life handle the rest. You will be okay...I promise

[Spawn]

Well to be honest whatever was between you both it was more than just friendship, both of you craved for physical intimacy but both were half in half out.

Unfortunately he was in a relationship now out of it he is broken, you lost your dad. Sorry for your loss try to grieve with your family.

Let him go he will need lot of time and space to straighten things up in his life.

Both of you crossed boundaries in friendship.

Cut contact with him, if you want to let him know please do so and be single for a while.

Dont get close to people who are taken or commited to somebody else, be honest about the situation.and back off respectfully

[MissCanuck]

You can't remain friends with him anymore, OP.

 

He doesn't want a relationship with you, but he likes the extra attention and affection you provide him on the side. This isn't healthy for you, and you're seeing he never serious intentions with you.

 

For your own good, you have to end the friendship. He's a sleeze.

[Jibralta]

But he keeps throwing mix signals and I don't understand why. He never know what he wants from me. He told me a couple of times that I was the love of his life and his best friend

 

He's probably been telling his girlfriend the exact same thing since they first met. Why do you think she stays with him, because she likes the cheating? No, she likes the ego boost he gives her, and the gauntlet she needs to run to get it. You're falling into the same trap. Stop competing for this loser.

 

I don't want to lose him but I'm starting to think I have to walk away.

 

Yes.

 

How do I let go of a best friend who possibly took advantage of me while I was grieving.

 

Step One: Recognize this for what it was.

 

This wasn't a friendship. He wasn't a "best friend." This was an opportunistic relationship.

 

You're just abusing yourself by naming it wrong and giving it more value than it deserves.

 

A "best friend" is an actual friend. Friends don't dck each other around. If you're in a relationship with someone who is dcking you around, you are not in a friendship. Period.

 

If you've never had an actual friend before, now is a great time to start preparing for some.

 

Do I stop being friends altogether?

 

Yes. This was a phony friendship based on opportunity. No major loss, really.

 

If so, how do Iet go of someone who is a huge part of my support system?

 

Step Two: Choose real friends.

 

He wasn't a true support, he was just there because he wanted something from you. You were alone the whole time.

 

He's just dead weight, and you will feel much better once you cut him loose completely. But it will take time.

 

Good luck.

[Kjl3n14]

Thank you! I have tried letting him go multiple times. When I do he blows my phone up and if I don't answer, he approaches me at work when I try to put space between us. I get what you are saying and in most ways you are absolutely right, but it is not just me who can't let this friendship go. I may eventually forgive and come back to be his friend but everything I give him an opportunity for a clean break without me, he doesn't take it. He blows my phone up and wants to talk in person. Either way I hope I figure this out because we still work for the same company.

[Jibralta]

Just remind yourself of this. You really nailed it here. Do you want to be a game?

 

It's like he is testing boundaries to see how far he can go

[Kjl3n14]

No, I absolutely do not want to be game. I guess I'm just be hard on myself because I really trusted him with my grief and now I feel like a fool. I try to see the good in everyone and remind myself that we are a human beings who make mistakes. I guess I just have to suck it up and do my best to keep moving forward and try not to think too hard about what his intentions were the whole time. Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.

[Jibralta]

We've all been there. It sucks. You live and you learn and you'll know better next time. You will be ok.

[Hollyj]

You block and delete him. You tell him not to approach you at work, unless work-related. You are not helpless. This is not good for you!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. He sounds like a drinking buddy and his gf was wise to kick him out. You both need to look into AA : https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

 

Often it starts with broken relationships, lost jobs, lost homes, etc, then rock bottom. He has two of those already. Do you two want to be in an alley slobbering and slurring and sucking out of paper bags? Well that is the cartoon image of it. But your post paints a very accurate picture of problematic drinking.

she kicked him out of their place and he moved into a friend's house. During the first few months I was drowning my grief in booze and so was he.

[Kjl3n14]

I don't drink often. It was just my outlet and my coping mechanism when my dad first died. Something to help ease the pain. As you can imagine, I learned quickly that it only numbs the pain but never takes it away. I had to learn to grieve in healthier ways. Thanks for your advice!

[Andrina]

Thank you! I have tried letting him go multiple times. When I do he blows my phone up and if I don't answer, he approaches me at work when I try to put space between us. I get what you are saying and in most ways you are absolutely right, but it is not just me who can't let this friendship go. I may eventually forgive and come back to be his friend but everything I give him an opportunity for a clean break without me, he doesn't take it. He blows my phone up and wants to talk in person. Either way I hope I figure this out because we still work for the same company.

 

Stop being a spineless noodle. Sometimes you have to be let a person know you mean business and you will no longer allow their presence in your life. If he talks to you at work about something other than work, pull him aside and tell him what your new relationship is--co-workers only, and he needs to respect that. Sometimes you have to get mean when a person won't take no for an answer, and tell him you will report him to the supervisor. Delete and block his number, and then he can't blow up your phone. Being friends at a later point? You've kissed him and flirted. At least have respect for his partner, who would not condone this continuing friendship. Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want for the good of others. It's the ethical thing to do. Only narcissists do whatever the hell they want without a care in the world how it negatively affects others. If you want a faithful, ethical partner who is single, you have to be that person as well.

[Wiseman2]

Don't lose your job over this fool. People notice. Word has probably already gotten out that he has a new address and you two are a bit way too "friendly". He already lost his home, gf, and he drinks and cheats.

 

He's going down the drain fast and wants to take you with him. Don't be flattered. he's just on the rebound. Distance yourself. Stop entertaining his approaches at work.

he blows my phone up and if I don't answer, he approaches me at work when I try to put space between us. Either way I hope I figure this out because we still work for the same company.

[reinventmyself]

Thank you! I have tried letting him go multiple times. When I do he blows my phone up and if I don't answer, he approaches me at work when I try to put space between us. I get what you are saying and in most ways you are absolutely right, but it is not just me who can't let this friendship go. I may eventually forgive and come back to be his friend but everything I give him an opportunity for a clean break without me, he doesn't take it. He blows my phone up and wants to talk in person. Either way I hope I figure this out because we still work for the same company.

But you don't need his compliance to stop this friendship. You just shut down your end. End of story. A friendship needs two willing participants.

 

Feel bad for his girlfriend and be thankful he's not your boyfriend.

 

You really want to shut it down? Tell his girlfriend to her boyfriend to stop bothering you.

[Kjl3n14]

He is back with his gf and in the process of moving back in, he just still wants to be best friends. I understand what everyone is saying. I'm just hurt and going through the motions. Trying to learn from my mistakes and let go of someone who I thought truly cared about me and our friendship.

[reinventmyself]

He is back with his gf and in the process of moving back in, he just still wants to be best friends. I understand what everyone is saying. I'm just hurt and going through the motions. Trying to learn from my mistakes and let go of someone who I thought truly cared about me and our friendship.

I his girlfriend ok with you two being best friends?

[Kjl3n14]

That is what he said. She just is keeping him on a shorter leash.

[Kjl3n14]

If I'm being honest, I don't know how to let go of all the emotions I have about the whole situation. It is like I want him to leave me alone so I can move on but then when he does I get angry like he never cared enough about me and that is why he was able to let me go. Don't get me wrong, I know I was wrong for my part in this. I have admitted my part to him and his gf. I just don't understand how he could do that to two people he claims to care about. After each time I pushed him away and told him neither of us were ready, he kept pushing to me that he was. I feel cut open and taken advantage of when I was already in a vulnerable state. I dont know how to let go of that anger and resentment. How does he get to do that to me and her and get away with toying with both of us. It isn't fair. I would never tell her anything of what he has said to me while they were apart. Bc I would be doing it to hurt him when in reality I would just hurt her and I dont want to do that. I don't want to hurt anyone. I know i have made mistakes during this but I just was blinded and had rose colored glasses on. It is clear now that no matter what he says to me from now on, he made a choice to lead me on and instead of being half of a decent human being, he chose to drag me down in his confusion which isn't fair. I'm sorry to ramble. This is my first time on one of these things but I just needed to get it out.

[DancingFool]

He could and can do it because he doesn't actually care about either one you, he only cares about himself and his own comforts and conveniences. Sadly, you got fooled and yes, that should make you feel angry. However, use that anger as fuel to get away from this creep instead of staying stuck.

 

I rather feel sorry for his gf. She is buying his bs and taking him back and yet, here he is....bs'ing away and setting you up for cheating some more. At least you know the truth about this creep, as much as it burns. Knowing the truth, you have the absolute ability to move on, get away. Being duped is never fun. The idea is that once duped, you don't get duped again. Block him on all private contact and at work, stay rigidly professional - only strictly necessary work talk and otherwise avoid him like the plague. This guy is not a prize, he is a floating turd in a toilet bowl. Do not reach in and pull it out.......it stinks.......always......

[Kjl3n14]

Thank you! I have been really short with my responses to his texts but he has been asking if everything is okay and I have been short and have just been texting back yes. He is going to eventually call me and I dont know how to respond. I don't want to escalate the situation bc we are coworkers. I was hoping that he would eventually get the picture and just kind of fade away in the aspect of friends. I hope once he is moved back in with his gf he will give me more space.

 

I guess my question now is what do you do you do with the anger and hurt? I want him to feel the pain that I feel. I want his relationship to work out and not because I want him but bc I want him to feel the emotional turmoil he caused me. And I know that isnt right and I know in order to move on I have to learn to forgive so I can put it past me but I want to know if anyone has ever been through anything similar, how did you get past the pain and anger? My feelings for him change every day. Some days I want to send a novel to him telling him how much of a piece of he is and the next day I remember how much he has been there for me and maybe it is just me and my emotional roller coaster of grief that makes me go from one end of the spectrum to the next.

 

I have also been seeing a therapist for my grief and it really helps but I feel like it lasts for a bit and then I get tight back to the feelings of anger and resentment.

 

Any advice would be great (especially if you have been in a similar situation). Thank you!!