Here we go again...

[Whirling D]

I didn't read the long response to defend your point. I got the gist of it, though

 

This ^^^is the perfect example of the problem you are having.

You fight to be right.

For that matter, you both do.

 

She seems to have a limit though, the mere fact she walks away and goes dark.

It's just a matter of time before she doesn't come back.

 

You on the other hand are still trying to prove your point and she's already left the room.

 

I’m trying just as mush to make sense of the whys... and what to do about it. My long post was meant to illustrate the kinds of interactions.

 

Being right is less important to me than truth. I value truth and honesty. It’s important to me. Sometimes I think truth is contextual to what you watch and what you believe, and I get thorny when I feel I’m being sold a bill of raw goods, if its truthfulness is in question.

 

Mostly, I think we both try to impress each other with how smart we are, and how eager we/I am to be seen as thoughtful and knowledgeable. Isn’t that what westerners value? I think I tried too hard to impress her with my wisdom and smartness, but so she wouldn’t leave me, not for an innate need to control her or be right.

 

Am I getting anywhere?

 

So, how do I prevent her from not coming back?

[Lambert]

I’m trying just as mush to make sense of the whys... and what to do about it. My long post was meant to illustrate the kinds of interactions.

 

Being right is less important to me than truth. I value truth and honesty. It’s important to me. Sometimes I think truth is contextual to what you watch and what you believe, and I get thorny when I feel I’m being sold a bill of raw goods, if its truthfulness is in question.

 

Mostly, I think we both try to impress each other with how smart we are, and how eager we/I am to be seen as thoughtful and knowledgeable. Isn’t that what westerners value? I think I tried too hard to impress her with my wisdom and smartness, but so she wouldn’t leave me, not for an innate need to control her or be right.

 

Am I getting anywhere?

 

So, how do I prevent her from not coming back?

Prevent her from not coming back? what? do you mean convince her to stay?

[reinventmyself]

I value truth and honesty. It’s important to me. Sometimes I think truth is contextual to what you watch and what you believe, and I get thorny when I feel I’m being sold a bill of raw goods, if its truthfulness is in question.

 

 

The truth according to who? You? Why don't you see it's the same as needing to be right?

Please understand her truth is different.

You don't have to agree with it but you need to respect it. This is why she says she feels disvalued.

And people don't stick around when they feel unheard, let alone disvalued. Think about it.

 

That's IF you want to be in this relationship.

 

You are not an authority. You just have an opinion.

There is a difference.

 

In moments like this, when I see something differently, I ask myself 'Is this the hill I want to die on?' The answer is no.

 

Look, I think it takes some inner confidence and strength to allow others to be exactly who they are and not let it threaten you or what you believe in

 

 

It took me years and people who wanted to me to change and were successful at it. But their purpose was so they could feel better or make things more comfortable for themselves

There's something freeing about allowing people be exactly who they are, respecting the difference and not feeling like you need to change it so you'll feel better.

 

If their views bug you that much, it's just as freeing to decide they wont fit in your world. The differences may be too much.

 

There you have it. You get to decide. The differences are either far too great or you accept them just as they are. . Embrace them, dont fight them and respect them.

[Whirling D]

Well… I guess it is all for naught.

 

I decided to text my lady friend and we had a Conversation. it was one of the ugliest interpersonal experiences I’ve ever had. I wrote this long letter on here to send, to explain exactly what happened, but it disappeared into cyber oblivion. I will try again.

 

We spoke on the phone for an hour, and it was just awful. Nothing I said to this lady seemed to be connecting with her, and she continuously said that I was ignoring her needs and Devaluating her opinions. Let’s be clear… The only time that I can see this to have a foot in reality was our arguments about politics. I told you about that already.

 

Something just entirely changed in this ladies brain. A handful of days ago, we were talking about moving in together. We were pretty much best friends and each others closest confidants. Tonight, this lady was completely unstable, and had seemingly rewritten almost every discussion we had had about our relationship To fit the narrative that she had that it was going to turn out just like her last traumatic experience. No matter what I said to try to convince her otherwise, she kept saying that I was devaluing her feelings and her opinion and I wasn’t hearing what she was saying. That wasn’t my experience at all, and I tried so hard to hear what she was saying and respond in a way that was meaningful. She just wasn’t capable of hearing it, for whatever terrible reason.

 

I’ll give you an example. A week and a half ago, she came to my house seeming disheveled, so I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything and encouraged her that we should talk about things if they are upsetting us. She began telling me that she was concerned about the way I interact with my ex-wife and how it relates to my daughter. she also thought I might not be completely over her, even though I told her it has been five years. I told her and encouraged her to believe that I had no interest in reconnecting with my ex-wife at all, and I was only thinking of her. She persisted with that line of questioning and didn’t seem satisfied with my answer. So I eventually said, in a very positive and encouraging tone, that this situation is not like her former situation, and my ex-wife is not like her former husband‘s ex-wife, And that my perspective on it is to value and concentrate on what was happening right here and right now which was wonderful, and that any continuing thoughts about my ex would just be damaging to our current relationship. At the time, she seemed to get what I was saying and she was a different person after that. We had a great last week and a half with this new energy that seemed to come from that single conversation. I thought it was rather strange that she would change so quickly, but just wanted to enjoy the moments, which were lovely. She was in a different headspace, and I wanted to enjoy it.

 

One of the examples she gave that concerned her was a text that my ex-wife sent to me when my daughter was struggling. We were all sitting in the same room, and my ex texted me and told me I should pay attention to my daughter, since my daughter was feeling lonely and had texted her mother. The text my ex sent was a little curt, and I told my girlfriend about this, and she was saying that it was inappropriate for my ex wife To speak to me like that and to be making orders as to how to handle my daughter. I appreciated her comment, I told her that it doesn’t bother me in the least that my ex-wife occasionally barks at me for something. I just kind of laughed it off and don’t put any energy into it. It doesn’t bother me. My girlfriend thought that was very strange, and thought that I wasn’t sticking up for myself and she was sure that this was going to get worse over time and be just like her old situation. She couldn’t let it go, and used this anecdote as evidence that we just couldn’t be together because it was going to be just like her other situation, We are the ex-wife was abusive, and her ex-husband would not stand up to her. No amount of me explaining that I am not her ex husband, and my ex-wife it’s not that other woman, seem to make any difference to her when I explained it tonight. She just kept saying I wasn’t getting it, and that she has seen it before, and that I am once again devaluing her opinion by trying to explain it away with my poor excuses. where the ex-wife was abusive, and her ex-husband would not stand up to her. No amount of me explaining that I am not her ex-husband, and my ex-wife is not that other woman, seem to make any difference to her when I explained it tonight. She just kept saying I wasn’t getting it, and that she has seen it before, and that I am once again devaluing her opinion by trying to explain it away with my poor excuses. This response didn’t at all fit what one would expect as a rational processing of the situation. She was speaking to me as if I was a child who needed to be scolded for not doing what I was told.

 

We talked about a bunch of different things, but everything that we talked about it was her telling me that I wasn’t meeting her needs and I was not listening to what she was saying, which is a completely different interpretation of what I believe actually happened. I think the state of her mental health was changing what she was comprehending. At one moment, she would previously and completely understand what should be an easy explanation of events, but I saw when she was in a poor state of mind, she would interpret those events in a completely different way, often hugely negatively. Our whole phone call was like that.

 

So finally, after about an hour, I was trying to say to her that she has it in her head that all of these things are necessarily going to turn out badly, but I didn’t even get finish the sentence when she said “well this has been a waste of an hour“ and she hung up the phone. That was it. The end.

 

Shortly there after, she changed her Facebook status to single, and blocked me on Facebook. Who ends friendships like that? We are not ing 16-year-olds.

 

In my own defense, I believe I always treated this lady nicely, as she did with me. Other than the political debates, I don’t think I ever, and I repeat ever, disrespected her in any way. We seemingly had a good relationship, even though I could tell that her mental health was shaky. There were constant bits of evidence that she was struggling in ways that she wasn’t revealing. It was kind of written all over her, but I figured she could keep it together.

 

I will spend a great deal of time trying to understand what happened to this lady. I get it that she could be upset that I was hard on her about politics, and she certainly made that clear in our phone call. I own that, but I can’t possibly own a lot of the things that she was saying about how I constantly devalue things that she was saying. I really don’t think I did that. I certainly would try to explain things, but I’m usually pretty good at being thoughtful in that approach. She wasn’t buying it, apparently. So, either she was faking what she said she was feeling for me, or hiding her true feelings.

 

All along, she had been saying that I was good for her, and she was looking forward to spending Time with me into the future. I could tell she felt really stable coming to my house and being with me. When I would see her at her own house, with her family, she would always be really stressed and a part of her personality came out that I didn’t really care for. When she came into my world, you could see that she longed for the sense of peace that came with that. We never fought or argued. Things were always gentle and pure. Always, with the obvious exception of politics. If I can be so bold, I would predict that her time spent with me was about the most sane and peaceful times that she has likely had in a relationship. Me, too, for that matter. How it would come crashing down so quickly and unexpectedly is just bizarre. I could certainly see her being mad at me for disrespecting her opinion about politics, but it is almost like she had rewritten the narrative of our relationship and my personality to fit her narrative of self-destruction.

 

I’m really sad. I don’t want to remember the end of our friendship as being this complete collapse and seemingly alternate version of what really was happening. This phone call was downright ugly and at times mean. Neither of us deserve that. Mental health issues can be very cruel. I do believe that she is suffering and she has exploded our relationship as a way of self preserving. It seems very self-destructive. I think her and I were the best relationship she had ever had. She has said that on more than one occasion.

 

I have had a couple of friends suggest that she might be bipolar, and her inability to mentally process certain events might be a result of that. It’s an interesting theory, but one I will likely never know. She took a lot of medications, mostly supposedly vitamins and such, but I wonder if some kind of medication was at work.

 

So, I am sorry to bring this all out, page after page, in this portal. Truthfully, being stuck inside all day, there’s really no other place that I can go to vent and get feedback. For that I am thankful.

 

I wish that this would have not ended the way it has. I will try hard to remember her as the beautiful and decent soul that she is, despite the very nasty ending we both are enduring.

 

All the best to you guys. Thanks for reading.

[Whirling D]

The truth according to who? You? Why don't you see it's the same as needing to be right?

Please understand her truth is different.

You don't have to agree with it but you need to respect it. This is why she says she feels disvalued.

And people don't stick around when they feel unheard, let alone disvalued. Think about it.

 

That's IF you want to be in this relationship.

 

You are not an authority. You just have an opinion.

There is a difference.

 

In moments like this, when I see something differently, I ask myself 'Is this the hill I want to die on?' The answer is no.

 

Look, I think it takes some inner confidence and strength to allow others to be exactly who they are and not let it threaten you or what you believe in

 

 

It took me years and people who wanted to me to change and were successful at it. But their purpose was so they could feel better or make things more comfortable for themselves

There's something freeing about allowing people be exactly who they are, respecting the difference and not feeling like you need to change it so you'll feel better.

 

If their views bug you that much, it's just as freeing to decide they wont fit in your world. The differences may be too much.

 

There you have it. You get to decide. The differences are either far too great or you accept them just as they are. . Embrace them, dont fight them and respect them.

 

Thank you. I agree with some of what you are saying.

 

Some of the things that she would say about politicians were just plain nasty. Her truth was that it’s OK to be nasty to people? I will object to that. I don’t think it’s OK to be nasty people under almost any circumstance. I think our arguments about politics boiled it down to me being uncomfortable with the nastiness that came out of her when she spoke of politics. I’ve got nothing to lose by saying that now, but she was often downright nasty when she talked about politics. I think that’s why freaked me out so much. Banged around in my head quite hard when I heard her spew to that stuff. I think it was less about the truth of her politics, and more about the truth of her manners, at least in that situation.

 

I guess it doesn’t really make any difference now, anyway.

 

I will try to learn from what you say if I ever encounter someone else to be close with in the future.

[SophiaG]

Sorry, but this last conversation seems to exactly reflect how she feels unheard and devalued.

 

The only time that I can see this to have a foot in reality... this lady was completely unstable, and had seemingly rewritten almost every discussion we had had about our relationship To fit the narrative that she had... That wasn’t my experience at all

 

Your lady friend's reality is different from your reality. Her truth is different from your truth and your experience. The whole thread is about this and somehow you were shocked by this. All you were trying to tell her was that her reality was wrong, she shouldn't be feeling that way, the truth was xxx (your own experience). You were rejecting her experience and her reality as invalid. That is exactly how being unheard and devalued feels and it is very much a turnoff.

 

She just wasn’t capable of hearing it, for whatever terrible reason.

 

So you got a taste of it too. Didn't feel great did it? If it were your lady friend posting here don't you think she would say exactly the same things "he just wasn't capable of hearing me"?

 

Your ex example was just another demonstration of this. She expressed a concern, and you rushed to try to quench it by telling her it was not like that, you were over your ex, you and your ex were not like her ex and his ex, she was all wrong, etc. etc. You were talking in circles with both of you refusing to hear each other and keeping repeating yourself. It was exhausting just to read. I suspect she eventually gave in just because she was too tired of arguing, not because she was actually convinced. Have you thought all this could have gone a completely different direction and left both of you feeling more respected and connected, if you start by acknowledging and "hearing" her concerns, understanding the needs and trying to identify where you guys agree rather than disagree, instead of jumping to defend yourself and shoot her down? Read up "nonviolence communication." It might help.

[Wiseman2]

Even this thread is a debate.😋 And she is not on it. Why blame her when you just love to stir conflict and debates?

[SophiaG]

Some of the things that she would say about politicians were just plain nasty.

 

This might be just too much of an incompatibility. To me sometimes the statements or actions of some politicians are plainly stupid if not ill-intentioned. Is that too much nastiness for you?

 

I don't know, there are political opinions that I disagree with but respect and can have an amiable conversation over, and there are some that makes me question the holder's personality.

[Whirling D]

Thank you guys for weighing in.

 

I know it seems like I try to push buttons and argue all the time, especially when you see me writing stuff on here. It was really not like that when I was with her, outside of the political debate. I hope you can see with what I have written here over the last few days that I try hard to understand what she was experiencing. I tried hard to validate what she was saying, but also tried to relieve her of the burden by encouraging her to believe that what she was saying wasn’t going to be an issue. I don’t think that is not hearing her, or devaluing her. I tried to listen to what she was saying, and I gave positive and constructive thoughts in response. How else can I manage something like that? I don’t think anything I could have ever said would have made any difference. I even tried to ask her how I could be different and manage it differently. I don’t think there was an answer to that.

 

Regardless of how neurotic I’ve been writing on here, I think I was about the most stable in this relationship than I have been with any. I believe I was really good with her, and I worked hard to be thoughtful and decent, and a good listener and I didn’t preach to her. At all. Of course, I have an analytical brain, so she might tell me something, and I might analyze it and come up with a different conclusion. I think that’s what she was hearing, actually I know that’s what she was hearing, and feeling devalued by. I don’t know how else to be in the world. I hear something, and I try to come up with the best solutions or answer to the problem at hand. If anything, I tried too hard to be smart and be decent with her. She was not really good at doing that, and my heart wanted her to feel the strength of the goodness that I felt for her and for doing good things in the world. I don’t think she felt the confidence or self-esteem to fit in that world. My world. I think her self-destruction was her way of managing her on self-defeating thoughts that she was not good enough to live in a comparatively stable and loving environment. That’s just plain tragic.

 

 

It is easy for many of you to say that it is her opinion and she has the right to express it, as she does. But it’s not as easy for me to let go of stuff that rubs me the wrong way and contradicts what I think is right and good. I think I was getting better at doing that, but I guess it was too little too late. We almost never argued or disagreed about anything else. Ever. That’s what makes this ending so strange. Did I contribute to the downfall? Clearly, I did. However, I think it was almost exclusively with me disrespecting her politics, and I felt I had to be honest with myself in doing that. I don’t feel any misgivings about stating what I believe in and advocating For the decency that is important to me, some of which I felt she was disrespecting.

 

My dear friend is a psychologist, and he was saying that it seems that she was projecting a lot of her dark negativity on to me in order to fill the void that she is struggling with. I feel myself doing that some of the times, as well, so I do believe what he is saying. I guess believing it doesn’t change the outcome though, does it?

 

I wish I was able to just allow her to spew her venom and just allow her to be who she is. I have trouble doing that, And this isn’t the first time. Clearly, I have work to do. I just wished that it didn’t have to come at the expense of sacrificing a relationship that had so much beauty in it, along with a small percentage of darkness. I am not convinced any relationship is perfect, but I don’t believe that her and I deserve this fate. At all. and this isn’t the first time. Clearly, I have work to do. I just wished that it didn’t have to come at the expense of sacrificing a relationship that had so much beauty in it, along with a small percentage of darkness. I am not convinced any relationship is perfect, but I don’t believe that her and I deserve this fate. At all.

 

I wonder if her perspective on all of this will change over time, as it did a few months back, and she will start to realize summer for some distracted thinking and how it may have contributed to our downfall. I am not taste of that, however. Once she gets stuff in her head, she seems to do everything she can to preserve her own narrative. Many of you say that I am guilty of doing that, as well. So who knows.

[Whirling D]

This might be just too much of an incompatibility. To me sometimes the statements or actions of some politicians are plainly stupid if not ill-intentioned. Is that too much nastiness for you?

 

I don't know, there are political opinions that I disagree with but respect and can have an amiable conversation over, and there are some that makes me question the holder's personality.

 

Typically, I could have political conversations with people, and although I may get annoyed, I can let it go. This seems different. She would call politicians that I valued liars, Call them nasty names… She would say things like “all Democrats think like this” and she would say something that was just clearly not compatible with left wing ideology. My response was to simply tell her that no one that I knew that was a liberal felt that way. She heard that as me not validating her opinion. How the hell else am I supposed to respond to that? To keep quiet. I couldn’t do that with her. It felt like it hit too low below the belt. That’s my contribution. I have to live with it. It saddens me, but I don’t feel that not speaking up was appropriate at those times, or should have elicited the kind of responses from her that it did. I just don’t.

[Whirling D]

Even this thread is a debate.😋 And she is not on it. Why blame her when you just love to stir conflict and debates?

 

I don’t think that’s fair Wiseman. I can admit, I am a bit neurotic when I’m backed into a corner, like I have been, but I think I did really well by this lady and I don’t think either of us deserve this outcome.

 

As far as loving conflict and debate? Maybe, but I don’t see it quite that harshly. I do like to talk about things, and I analyze things to come up with good strategies of approach. Would that be considered a positive? In her case, she “heard“ my analysis as being critical of her opinions of things. In almost every situation other than politics, that’s not at all what was intended, or should have been appropriately processed in her mind. I think she has to own that part.

 

My parents sometimes get annoyed with how I analyze things, and so do my friends. It can drive them crazy. In the end, they know it’s just me being how I am, and it’s not at all me trying to be judge mental of anything that they are saying. I’m just trying to analyze the world around me. Trying to do the best I can with the thinking that I can do and the experiences I have had. It often is what makes me good at the things I am good at and good with the people I am good with. She could clearly see that most of the time, when she was in a positive headspace. Once she felt my disrespect coming from her political rhetoric, her brain Changed, and all she seem to be able to focus on was the negative. I can’t change that.

[Whirling D]

Sorry, but this last conversation seems to exactly reflect how she feels unheard and devalued.

 

 

 

Your lady friend's reality is different from your reality. Her truth is different from your truth and your experience. The whole thread is about this and somehow you were shocked by this. All you were trying to tell her was that her reality was wrong, she shouldn't be feeling that way, the truth was xxx (your own experience). You were rejecting her experience and her reality as invalid. That is exactly how being unheard and devalued feels and it is very much a turnoff.

 

 

 

So you got a taste of it too. Didn't feel great did it? If it were your lady friend posting here don't you think she would say exactly the same things "he just wasn't capable of hearing me"?

 

Your ex example was just another demonstration of this. She expressed a concern, and you rushed to try to quench it by telling her it was not like that, you were over your ex, you and your ex were not like her ex and his ex, she was all wrong, etc. etc. You were talking in circles with both of you refusing to hear each other and keeping repeating yourself. It was exhausting just to read. I suspect she eventually gave in just because she was too tired of arguing, not because she was actually convinced. Have you thought all this could have gone a completely different direction and left both of you feeling more respected and connected, if you start by acknowledging and "hearing" her concerns, understanding the needs and trying to identify where you guys agree rather than disagree, instead of jumping to defend yourself and shoot her down? Read up "nonviolence communication." It might help.

 

Appreciate your analysis, but I’m not sure that’s how it went down.

 

She came into my house that day I started to tell me all of her concerns. I listened carefully to everything that she had to say, but I had to respond. Did I respond perfectly? I can’t say. All I could do was try to encourage her with positive reinforcement. I didn’t accuse her of anything or make her feel badly for feeling the way she did. I tried hard to be empathetic, My approach was to encourage her to think positively about the good that we had right in front of us, and not let the negative thinking be distractive. What else could I possibly have said? I’m not asking to be flippant. I’d really like to hear how I could’ve said anything any differently and had a different outcome? Under normal circumstances, she would completely agree with what I am saying here. She often said that what she liked most about me was my compassion and my thoughtfulness, and how I view the world with sensitive lenses. I approached all of these conversations through just those lenses. Within a few days later, out of the blue, she thanked me for being patient with her, obviously realizing that her concerns were based more on her response to her trauma than what was actually going on in front of me. That should be validation enough that what I was saying was fairly effective and heartfelt.

 

I don’t think I deserve harsh words that indicate that it is mostly my fault for not letting her be who she is. I tried really hard to do that, but I was not perfect. I certainly didn’t deserve the things that she said to me last night on the phone, and neither one of us deserve this outcome. I think it was for her own self preservation that she destroyed this relationship, not because I was a jerk or in capable of hearing what she was saying. I believe in my heart that is far from the truth. I won’t continue to try to validate myself, with this, though.

 

Thank you for the insights. They are meaningful.

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry about all this.

 

I do very much agree with what Sophia is saying, and admit I find it troubling that you struggle to simply accept that what she's expressing is her truth, and to honor it as exactly that, rather than a verdict on you that merits immediate defense.

 

The generous view here—one many of us brought up back at Christmas, when you were documenting this dynamic—is that this is what incompatibility looks like: the truth of it, the fact of it, to put it in terms you like. It just is, with all this a symptom of that, not theories. It's like cancer, incompatibility. There are all sorts of symptoms, and they can be treated and managed, but still: it's cancer, a scientific fact, not a verdict on a human being. But while that is something a human has to learn to live with, best they can, two people who are cancerous for each other are not required to treat it and manage it, as that can quickly be symptoms of another illness.

 

You have a daughter, that needs you. Another fact of your existence. As such, I would think that being with someone who understands that is an essential ingredient for compatibility. In your shoes, and in the private confines of your mind, I would see that chapter in the above as the clearest evidence that this union is not a workable one, since it has the potential to create a wedge between you and your daughter, a wedge between you and your co-parent. The swirl of feelings here are tough ones, yes, but moving through them rather than trying to dodge them and bend them does no favors for the young life that you are a custodian of. Perhaps there is some higher or deeper comfort to be found there.

[DancingFool]

Can you possibly wrap your mind around the idea that opinions aren't facts, that there is no right or wrong opinion? Everyone has opinions and you either agree or disagree with it, but there is no truth to opinions.

 

Your argumentative nature isn't really analytical. When you say, "gosh I'm just so analytical", that's just an example of you being defensive rather than anything else. More correctly, you don't want to delve into some uncomfortable recesses of your personality, so you cloak things in comforting, positive terms - analytical, like to talk and reason, want to come up with strategies - sounds so much better than argumentative. Allows you to stay in your comfort zone and stay as you are .... even though it makes all kinds of relationships difficult for you. I have absolutely no doubt that this quality brings you professional success, but relationships require different skill sets.

 

Now does this sound harsh? Critical of you? Do you feel the urge to debate me and defend yourself at all costs? Justify your actions? Convince me that you are really a good person? Based on your posting history, I'm going to say yes to all of that. So let's back up. I already think you are a good person. Stubborn? Yes, is that necessarily bad? No. Should you learn how to use that quality better, when to use it, when to drop it? Yup. It's called personal growth and it's not a negative at all. Think on that.

 

A lot of your analytical behavior lies in deep rooted insecurities. Simple example: she went off on a rant about politics and news networks, you felt compelled to defend yourself. She didn't attack you though, or your beliefs, she was only spouting off her opinion, no right, no wrong, no criticism of you and who you are, just her own bs. How someone else would handle that? Like duck handles water - roll right off. In one ear out the other because her opinion is just that, an opinion. You can agree, you can disagree, you can opt to do either in silence. Smile and nod and think if it's time for that oil change for your car. Problem with you is that you take things like that personally, like it's about you, a reflection on you or of you in some way and must be corrected, fixed, seen your way, your truth...which is also just an opinion, but to you it's about validation of you and disagreement hurts.

 

At the very heart of it is that - you'll carry on late into the night, to complete exhaustion because you need that validation. She must see it your way, get what you get or else....you can't let it go...

 

You know what else you can't grasp? What's been said over and over - you and her are not and were never a good match or in any way compatible. No no no we are, I need that validation, I fear being alone, you guys need to see my point of view, it was really good, not all bad, I'm a good person. Nobody is saying that you aren't. She isn't a bad person either. Your break up wasn't horrible either. You just can't accept anything that you perceive as rejection of you as a person, so to you it's horrible, a terrible conversation, your fault....except it isn't. Not compatible is not compatible. Not your fault, not her fault, just not a match. If you drop the defensiveness just one inch, you might even be able to see that.

[reinventmyself]

I am a bit neurotic when I’m backed into a corner, like I have been,

or it should have been appropriately processed in her mind (?)

 

My parents sometimes get annoyed with how I analyze things, and so do my friends. It can drive them crazy. In the end, they know it’s just me being how I am, and it’s not at all me trying to be judge mental of anything that they are saying. I’m just trying to analyze the world around me.

But yet you go to your pysch friend, tell him your version of the story and he labels her??

 

From where I sit, this comes down to a total lack of empathy. You aren't able to stand in anothers shoes and understand how they feel and what their experience is like. It's hard to participate in a relationship without empathy. That's my armchair diagnosis. . and I am just random person on an internet forum.

 

I am sorry it ended the way it did. I can't say I am very surprised.

There is a lesson in everything. I hope you find yours in this.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, argumentativeness is often a symptom of larger issues if you have no control over it. Being chronically oppositional may be a bad habit, misplaced rebellion, a personality disorder feature or a symptom of a mood disorder.

 

If you have control over it, just stop. If you don't and are going in circles with people, make an appt with a physician MD and get a referral to a therapist. All of this is in your control or it is making your life difficult and medical care could help with that.

 

It must be exhausting to need to swim upstream constantly and always take a contrary stance. As far as analyzing the world around you? That is a mental reflective process, not dragging people into debates. Basically argumentative people are hard to get along with and create problems for themselves.

My parents sometimes get annoyed with how I analyze things, and so do my friends. It can drive them crazy. In the end, they know it’s just me being how I am

[Jibralta]

In the end, they know it’s just me being how I am

 

Maybe your girlfriend is just being how she is.