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Hello,

 

This may seem a weird message and I apologise if people think so. I'm just looking for some advice.

I posted before and people were really helpful.

I was dumped 5 weeks ago. I really struggled with it as I saw a great future for us.

Last night I received an email from a dating website I use to use and it told me I had a message. I thought it was odd so logged on to look, turns out it was just a message asking me to sign up to their pay version of the site.

When I clicked the message it showed a selection of online people above the in box.... I saw my ex there. I clicked her profile and sure enough it had just been set up and stated she was looking for a relationship.

 

Is 5 weeks to soon to be looking for dating again? Is this normal?

We were together just under 2 year

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Is 5 weeks to soon to be looking for dating again? Is this normal?

We were together just under 2 year

 

Not necessarily, if she'd already lost feelings for you before breaking up. Sometimes people lose their emotional attachment to their partner but take their time working up the courage to actually end it. Those are the ones who are usually ready to at least meet some new faces not long after breaking up with their ex. I've been there, too.

 

It might not mean she's ready for something serious but she is evidently looking to see what's out there. Sucks to see, I know. I hope you're no contact.

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Not necessarily, if she'd already lost feelings for you before breaking up. Sometimes people lose their emotional attachment to their partner but take their time working up the courage to actually end it. Those are the ones who are usually ready to at least meet some new faces not long after breaking up with their ex. I've been there, too.

 

It might not mean she's ready for something serious but she is evidently looking to see what's out there. Sucks to see, I know. I hope you're no contact.

 

Yeah we are. You may remember me from a previous post where I mentioned about her mental health and her calling the police.

I can't contact her even if I wanted as she has blocked me on everything

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These sites are desperate for business right now, so they show a bunch of random people. Just ignore it. Focus on your own friends, family, career, coping with the epidemic, etc. In fact to get your mind off things run down your contact lists and start randomly asking people how they are doing etc.

I mentioned about her mental health and her calling the police. she has blocked me on everything
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Yeah we are. You may remember me from a previous post where I mentioned about her mental health and her calling the police.

I can't contact her even if I wanted as she has blocked me on everything

 

Ah yes, I do remember now.

 

This quick turnaround is par for the course then, unfortunately. Let this be your final signal that the relationship most definitely needed to end.

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Ah yes, I do remember now.

 

This quick turnaround is par for the course then, unfortunately. Let this be your final signal that the relationship most definitely needed to end.

 

When you say par for the course do you mean due to her mental health or something else?

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When you say par for the course do you mean due to her mental health or something else?

 

Perhaps, but also the fact that she just seems to be done with the relationship. Based on what you wrote in your other thread, I got the impression she had checked out a while before she ended it.

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Perhaps, but also the fact that she just seems to be done with the relationship. Based on what you wrote in your other thread, I got the impression she had checked out a while before she ended it.

 

Ah I see. I just find it a little sudden plus with the current lockdown it's not like she can go off and see anyone

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Not sure if this is relevant but when I got serious with my now husband I ended my dating site membership (not how we met) and I think I did something with the profile short of removing it -because I thought this was enough. Apparently it wasn't -people who had viewed me before still could. I couldn't check my messages nor did I wish to -but a few months later someone I'd dated brought this to my attention. i was still logging on -with my then boyfriend's knowledge -if a friend wanted me to look at a profile of someone she liked etc - so apparently it showed me as active to those who had viewed me in the past. Maybe this is the same thing with your ex- I wouldn't assume unless she recently updated her profile? How do you know she just set it up??

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Not sure if this is relevant but when I got serious with my now husband I ended my dating site membership (not how we met) and I think I did something with the profile short of removing it -because I thought this was enough. Apparently it wasn't -people who had viewed me before still could. I couldn't check my messages nor did I wish to -but a few months later someone I'd dated brought this to my attention. i was still logging on -with my then boyfriend's knowledge -if a friend wanted me to look at a profile of someone she liked etc - so apparently it showed me as active to those who had viewed me in the past. Maybe this is the same thing with your ex- I wouldn't assume unless she recently updated her profile? How do you know she just set it up??

 

Because all the pics are from the past month (they are ones I either saw on fb or ones she sent me to show what she was upto when out with friends etc) plus it includes her new job role etc

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it was touched on before, but people who usually end the relationship have been contemplating doing so long before you became aware. So in that respect she's processed a lot of the emotions sooner than you have.

It may be 5 weeks for you, but it's been a little longer for her. If you look at it that way you can't measure her readiness against yours.

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You guys are not together and it isn’t your job to determine whether or not she’s ready to date again. Stay in your lane.

 

All that matters is that you are taking care of your own health, going through your own grieving/healing process and determining on a day-to-day basis what the best choices & actions are for you to grow from this.

 

Best wishes!

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You guys are not together and it isn’t your job to determine whether or not she’s ready to date again. Stay in your lane.

 

All that matters is that you are taking care of your own health, going through your own grieving/healing process and determining on a day-to-day basis what the best choices & actions are for you to grow from this.

 

Best wishes!

 

Oh I know. She is totally free to do as she wishes. I just found 5 weeks a little sudden and it hit me hard. Having not had many relationships myself maybe it's just that I'm finding it harder than someone that has. So she has spent her time assessing what she wants in life and made this decision.

It's also hurting me a little as in the lead up to our break up she was saying how if we split she wanted to give herself a year to focus on her mental and physical health as they were suffering

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Oh I know. She is totally free to do as she wishes. I just found 5 weeks a little sudden and it hit me hard. Having not had many relationships myself maybe it's just that I'm finding it harder than someone that has. So she has spent her time assessing what she wants in life and made this decision.

It's also hurting me a little as in the lead up to our break up she was saying how if we split she wanted to give herself a year to focus on her mental and physical health as they were suffering

 

I focused on my mental and physical health while dating -and socializing. Dating helped my mental and physical health. You have no idea if she has any interest in dating or just liked the ego boost of having the attention connected to a dating profile.

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Oh I know. She is totally free to do as she wishes. I just found 5 weeks a little sudden and it hit me hard. Having not had many relationships myself maybe it's just that I'm finding it harder than someone that has. So she has spent her time assessing what she wants in life and made this decision.

It's also hurting me a little as in the lead up to our break up she was saying how if we split she wanted to give herself a year to focus on her mental and physical health as they were suffering

 

There is no "mourning period" post break up where the person who dumped you isn't supposed to date. The second they dump you, they are free to do as they wish with whoever they wish, whenever they wish. It would be really good for you to wrap your mind around that. Over is over, right now. The second those words are uttered. Trying to read some kind of meaning into what your ex is doing and how fast is just you harming yourself. There is no meaning because you are no longer a part of their life and they are not a part of your life either. You've got to let go or work on it. At the end of the day it really comes down to this - they ended the relationship because they wanted to. That's all.

 

As for all the other stuff they tell you, it's called softening the blow. Well, it's easier for the dumper to feed you a bunch of bs lines how they need to go find themselves or some version of "it's not you it's me" so that you don't become hysterical in their face. Unfortunately, for the dumpee, it actually gives hope and makes letting go harder. Still, it's on you to understand that over is over, reasons are irrelevant. What's relevant is this person, this relationship wasn't meant to be, so onward and upward.

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Dude. I get it. I’ve had my heart smooshed a couple times. I’m sorry for you, We all know how painful and shocking it can be. In my experience it’s best to make a conscious choice to LET GO as soon as possible. Once the choice is made the actual process of release and healing can begin.

 

And dancing fool is spot on about softening the blow. They try for their own sakes and yours to “let you down easy” but unfortunately that can lead to confusing behavior after the fact. Don’t try to piece anything together...just practice acceptance as best you can.

 

Good luck man.

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Dude. I get it. I’ve had my heart smooshed a couple times. I’m sorry for you, We all know how painful and shocking it can be. In my experience it’s best to make a conscious choice to LET GO as soon as possible. Once the choice is made the actual process of release and healing can begin.

 

And dancing fool is spot on about softening the blow. They try for their own sakes and yours to “let you down easy” but unfortunately that can lead to confusing behavior after the fact. Don’t try to piece anything together...just practice acceptance as best you can.

 

Good luck man.

 

Thanks.

Yeah I totally get everything people are saying. I'm just finding that first step really hard.

I think for me, personally, just seeing her picture on a dating website, with her stating the intent of wanting a relationship and putting out flirty questions etc in her bio just hit me really hard as to know the intimacy, flirting, and build up to relationship we shared could now be getting enjoyed by someone else

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Take a deep breath and list down things that you did not like about your ex.

Read it and remind yourself things were wrong and it had nothing to do with you or her, you guys were not compatible and if things were to work out, it would have.

Once you start writing things down you will have more clarity and perspective.

We tend to focus on only the good times , our mind is wired like that cause pain and hurt is something we like to forget and never want to relive. There are lessons to be learnt from pain, disrespect and bad behaviors, so focus on things that didnt work for you in that relationship.

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Thanks again.

One thing that might back up the idea people have that she may have left the relationship before she actually dumped me was that one night when we had a huge discussion about our future and where she was unhappy, she said that she felt she "had to stay with me and feels that emotional blackmail was being used"

When I asked where she felt that was coming from she mentioned that there had been three times she tried to end it with me but each time I gave some reason why she couldn't.

I felt this was a little unfair as all I did was say how I wanted us to work through any problems and make ourselves happy!

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It was pretty clear in your last thread that this woman is in a nutshell a complete psycho. Some sort of cluster B something or other. What that means for is you toxic, unhinged, unpredictable nutcase. Yes, she will find ways to blame you for her actions or inactions. There are other terms for that - gaslighting, blameshifting, guilt tripping. She also called the cops on you and put your personal future at risk without provocation from you.

 

Stop focusing on what she might be doing or how she might be duping the next schmuck in line. Focus instead on how and why you were overlooking serious red flags slapping you in the face so you don't end up in this kind of a mess again. She pretty much told to your face that all her ex's are crazy - that was a flashing neon warning sign for you that you will be the next crazy ex she is telling some other poor slob about. Rinse and repeat - playing poor little victim works like a charm for her with any guy with a White Knight syndrome.

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Feelings and fairness are two different things that don't always align. If she felt pressured to stay in the relationship at times—well, that's how she felt. Not a verdict on you, but simply how being with you left her feeling: a little residue that built up in her. Her head, her heart, her truth.

 

Not fun to think about, I know. But I say all that to encourage you to move from the ruminating, self-chastising stage you're clearly in toward acceptance. It's a process, and these are early days, the wound fresh. But if you were meant to be right now, if you two shared an idea (or a feeling) that you could work through problems together to get to clear meadows of happiness? Well, that's what you would be doing.

 

When I've gone through breakups I've found comfort in clarity in steering my thoughts toward the sad, simple, undeniable truth: it did not work. I repeat those words to myself when the brain spins, when something comes along—like, say, a dating profile—because at the end of the day there is always comfort to be found in the truth, and accepting it. It did not work. Regardless of the specifics of who ended it and why, it is generally the story of all relationships that end. What once worked stopped working.

 

But as for the specifics here? I took a cursory spin through your prior thread and agree with DancingFool's assessment. Lots of toxicity, from point A to point Z. Hopefully, sooner than later, you can find give yourself time to explore why all that was appealing to you, so you can demagnetize those inner magnets. That's a lonesome path at the outset, but it'll make something like dating profile—a thing you can't control or ever understand—irrelevant because you'll be focused on the thing you can control, which is yourself, and steering yourself toward connections that are made from different, more sustainable fibers.

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Take a deep breath and list down things that you did not like about your ex.

Read it and remind yourself things were wrong and it had nothing to do with you or her, you guys were not compatible and if things were to work out, it would have.

Once you start writing things down you will have more clarity and perspective.

We tend to focus on only the good times , our mind is wired like that cause pain and hurt is something we like to forget and never want to relive. There are lessons to be learnt from pain, disrespect and bad behaviors, so focus on things that didnt work for you in that relationship.

 

That's the problem though. The list of things would be maybe 1 or 2 things. Nothing more as we were genuinely going well. She put loads of effort in, as did I. We were planning a future. We shared the same sense of humour, had similar interests then after the period of her nan passing away and loosing her job she began to doubt us. Literally out of the blue!

From this I obviously tried a little harder as didn't want to loose her and at times she felt me trying was too much pressure so I eased off.

The only bad things that were definitely detrimental were after we split, when she called the police!

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She began withdrawing because of stress and general discord, that is not "out of the blue". It's important in any relationship to be present and aware. The police would not have shown up at your place if it wasn't warranted.

loosing her job she began to doubt us. Literally out of the blue! The only bad things that were definitely detrimental were after we split, when she called the police!
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