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Partner is very emotional and clingy all the time.


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First, some background info.. I have been with my other half for 6 years now, we're both in our mid 20s and are engaged and live together in a house that we purchased together less than 6 months ago.


I feel like I've come to a fork in the road and don't know which path to take.


Personally, I'm very laid back, I like to stay calm, happy, relaxed and enjoy most things in life day to day.


In the last year or so, my other half has become very short-fused over even the smallest of things, everything must he rushed and done right here - right now without any delay, again, she will get fiery and irritated.


I've always known that she is a very emotional person but it's just getting worse to where it's affecting our relationship. Over the last 2 weeks we've been arguing nearly everyday over the most tiniest of things and I'm literally at my wit's end. If i mention her emotions it'll set her off.


We've moved into our house less than 6 months ago and the kitchen needs a massive makeover. We have hardly any savings so will need to save up to cover these costs, which I have explained to her but she is constantly moaning, irritated, and keeping on and on how she doesn't like the kitchen and that she wants a kitchen right now. Which as I explained to her can't be done as we don't have the funds to do it yet, and it's just non-stop moping about it.


I work 60 hours a week so by the time i get home there is only a certain amount of time and daylight left for me to do the things that I need / want to get done, one example was last night: On the drive home i noticed that the inside of my windshield needs cleaning as it had a lot of sun glare, so I got home, she had made tea which was great and I told her that I was going to go out and clean all of the windows on my car before going to work tomorrow morning. I go outside and was out there for 10 minutes and she was already badgering me to hurry up and come back inside.


She doesn't have any hobbies and just wants to be with me every single second that we're both home and when i say that i want to do something, even for 5 minutes that doesn't involve her like check something on the PC or phone my parents to see how they're doing. She gets inpatient and tells me to hurry up as I'm wasting time and wasting the evening, etc. Which then irritates me as I'm laid back and hate rushing things. If I mention that she could get a hobby then it'll just be shrugged off and she loses it saying that it's because I don't want to be with her or spend time with her. Which I then give in and do what she wants so it doesn't lead to an argument.


So my average week is working from 04:00am till 17:30ish everyday then having to cuddle and watch tv with her right up till we go to bed at 22:00ish. Now don't get me wrong, I like doing that, but not every single day... We have 1 day each weekend where we both aren't working and it's the same, we need to spend the entire day together and anything that I want to do on a side-note, like pop to the shop to replace a bulb in the car, it irritates her and then I need to rush and get it, put it in the car fast otherwise she'll be irritated that I'm taking too long doing it.


I'm just feeling very suffocated at the moment, to the point that I'm wondering if this will go on for the rest of my life. We've fought countless times over her short-fuse and these petty arguments, she says she won't get annoyed and stressy over little things and give me breathing space, but it just reverts back again, and again...


Because we are engaged, my thought is that I don't know which path to take... One path leads me to staying put, and seeing if things will ever change down the road and I don't know if it will or not. The other path is leaving the last 6 years of my life.


I hope this post isn't taken the wrong way by thinking that I'm being selfish and everything is about me, me, me, etc. I just don't think it's normal to be arguing and falling out weekly, sometimes bi-weekly and that I have to walk on egg shells around her constantly because I don't want to do anything to set her off by me not doing things fast enough or wanting to do something other than sitting on the sofa and cuddling every single second that we're both together.


Any advice would be appreciated, as I'm really at a loss of what to do. I love her dearly, but I shouldn't feel trapped.

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Hi MissCanuck, thanks for the reply.


She has friends from school but they're always really busy so they never get together. She has one friend that she is very close too, but she is also the same. She is extremely clingy and her partner also likes his own space, like me.


The first year of the relationship was great. We were really happy, then the second year, as we got comfortable, she started to become clingy, emotional, irritatable, and impatient. We had a break at that point, but then I felt guilty and said we can give it another try.


I'm now 6 years in and it's getting worse. Especially her impatience. But as i mentioned in the OP, if i dare bring up anything about her emotions or her being clingy... It leads to her thinking that I don't want to be with her anymore, or that I don't want/like spending tine with her. That then ultimately leads her to crying. I then feel bad that she's crying and I back down and give in.


Have I got false hope that things will change? I've given it a second chance already and it's the same, if-not worse.

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I'm now 6 years in and it's getting worse. Especially her impatience. But as i mentioned in the OP, if i dare bring up anything about her emotions or her being clingy... It leads to her thinking that I don't want to be with her anymore, or that I don't want/like spending tine with her. That then ultimately leads her to crying. I then feel bad that she's crying and I back down and give in.


You need to be more firm with yourself here, Mazda. It doesn't mean being unnecessarily tough or punitive with her, but it does mean you need to stick to your guns and stop giving in to the tears. You can see how that approach hasn't worked.


Sit her down and explain to her that you would like to see your relationship move in a more positive direction, but you both need to meet each other halfway. Perhaps some couples' counselling could be in order. She is defaulting to "you don't like me anymore!" because she is insecure and doesn't really want to change, as I read it. She wants you around constantly, but you both know that's not working. It soothes her insecurity about you leaving to have you with her 24-7 but it is ultimately damaging to your relationship. I imagine she's never really gotten over the pain of the first break-up and is terrified it will happen again. I also sense a lot of resentment coming from her, which is likely why she's so irritated and impatient with you. She's not happy in the relationship either, but not for the same reasons you are unhappy. Her dissatisfaction appears to stem from deep insecurity that you don't want to be with her. There might be some truth in that, based on what I'm reading, but she is reacting to that fear by lashing out.


As for you? Well, as I said, you have to be willing to draw your own boundary and stick to it. Do you generally pander to her, just to keep her from exploding? Do you ever (respectfully) tell her no, you are not going to rush with your family or stay home when you need to run an errand? What happens when you try to plan time with friends?


Obviously, you can't go on like this. It's not a healthy dynamic and a marriage would implode. (By the way, when is the wedding?) You have a lot of thinking to do, about whether you really want to keep trying or if you're already beyond that point and want out. You have to ask yourself if you're with her because this is the woman you look forward to spending your life with, or if you're with her because you feel guilty for hurting her and have gotten complacent.


My younger brother when through something similar with his ex-fiancee. They had similar issues, and I could see him growing unhappier by the year. He proposed, but I always got the sense that it was because he thought he "should" and he thought it would make her happy - but not because he genuinely wanted to marry her. You notice I wrote ex-fiancee. He finally called the whole thing off, because he knew (and I think she did too) that their relationship was no longer strong enough to support a marriage and he really did not want to lead her on. They had tried to work on their problems a couple times (that I know of) but never seemed to make headway. Whether that was because she didn't want to change, or because he didn't want to, I don't know. All I know is that they are both with other people now, and both seem much happier. (She and I have mutual friends) Just something to think about.

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Why are you undermining and avoiding her? Being "laid back" can be construed as passive-aggressive when things need to be done on your new house and you are getting involved in trivia to get away from her. Why buy a fixer-upper then leave things undressed to change light bulbs and clean windshields? Most people would have an issue with couch potatoes when they have energy for their pet-projects but skip agreed upon tasks.


It won't get better. Being this passive-aggressive is a self-exacerbating problem. The more you find reasons to futz around with your car, stall, procrastinate, be inefficient, etc the more infuriated she's get then the more you will engage in these mindless projects to escape but just piss her off more. Read up on ways to improve procrastinating. You feel nagged and she feels frustrated. It seems like you want the perks of living together but you don't want to act like a team or further the relationship.

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Wiseman2, this is both our first house. I wanted to buy it and continue living at our parents and make the house the way we want it before moving in, but she hated every second of living at her parent's whilst the deeds were being transferred, etc. So she wanted to move in asap to get out of her parent's house, knowing that the kitchen needed repairing.


As for the car, it wasn't an excuse to get out and futz with the car, I needed to clean it as I could be fined by the Police if I were to be in an accident and the inside of the windscreen is dusty or has smear marks.


I want to get all these projects in the house done when possible, but as explained in the OP, we don't have the funds right now to complete it and will need to save up. But her impatience makes her annoyed as she wants the kitchen finished right now and the reality that things can take a long time to complete makes her annoyed and irritated.


I agree with you that it does seem at present that we like the perks of living together, but working as a team just isn't working. In my view I want time to do my own things as well as spending time with her, doing things that I need to get done. But to her, all it is-is work, come home, cuddle on sofa and watch tv, bed. Then repeat that everyday. And when I explain that I want to do other things than that, it leads to a spat, like I said where she thinks it's because I don't want to spend time or be with her.

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Ok, can she stay with friends or other family until you get the contractors in there to fix things. Was moving in together premature? She seems to have some family issues and that is Never a good reason to move in with someone. You seem to resent her pushiness.

she wanted to move in asap to get out of her parent's house, knowing that the kitchen needed repairing.
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Well.....you've spent 5 of the 6 years together walking on eggshells and humoring her hoping things will improve, but all that's happened is things keep getting worse and going more downhill. So the path of just carrying on as is, is not a viable option now is it?


In a nutshell, she walks all over you and manipulates you with tantrums and tears when you attempt to address anything. Meanwhile, instead of standing up to her, you roll over and let it be, but it festers inside of you and the problem gets bigger and bigger.


I'm just curious, does she work?

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She does work. Typically 08:00 till 17:00 Mon-Fri. I get that we both work a lot and she wants to spend time together, but the need to spend every second with me is excessive...


She'll say I'm wasting time if I'm doing anything else besides giving her attention, to which I'll reply that we do this every night and I want to do something else. She'll need to be included. Again, I don't mind doing things with her but there are things that I want to do on my own, I like my own space and like alone time. I got into this relationship in my early 20s and previous to that I had no partners, she has had 2 before me, so is used to someone else being there, I'm not sure what the reason for her seperating from her previous partners are.


A lot of people are telling me to pack up and get out of Dodge. These thoughts are what led me to the forums as I am stuck. I love her but I'm feeling that I want something else but she wants what we already have but is too intense about the whole relationship. If you get what I mean, but it's causing me to want to step back.

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No she has no options to stay anywhere except her parent's house, she has issues with her mother as she gets on everybody's nerves by bossing people around and repeating herself all the time. So the last place my partner would go is back there.


Interesting......does it not occur to you that your gf is behaving exactly the same way toward you? Controlling, demanding, manipulating, etc.

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Unfortunately, now that you entangled things with this house, it won't be that easy. Can you buy her out and stay there or can she buy you out. It doesn't help to run around complaining about her to everyone making her out as the wicked witch.


Lets face it you're not a victim. You also don't seem to want to improve things or cooperate. Moaning about her to anyone who'll listen is passive-aggressive and cowardly. You've been coasting along in this for more than half a decade and now bought a run down house together with zero foresight as to how to fix it or pay for things.

A lot of people are telling me to pack up and get out of Dodge.
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You should have stayed broken up.


If you want to continue, you need to sit her down and have a serious discussion regarding the problem. You also need to stop enabling her insecurities. If things do not improve, then you will have to end things, as this is an unhealthy situation. Thank god there are no kids in the picture.

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Overall, I agree with your friends in that you need to get out of Dodge and should have stayed broken up the first time you broke up. Taking her back was a huge mistake on your part and I don't think you should keep on with that mistake for a lifetime. This is not going to get better for you, only worse.


It's one thing if you can talk to your partner, discuss your issues and come up with a way forward so you are both happy. When you are with someone who refuses that and shuts you down in an intentionally manipulative way by saying "oh you just don't like me", you really don't have a way to work things out. You don't even have a way to communicate properly about basic life issues.


I mean if are not ready to leave, you can fire one last shot and mean it - ignore her tears and bs and tell her straightforward that if she continues to behave and treat you this way, you will be gone. Don't say it though unless you really will be done and gone, otherwise you'll just teach her that your words mean nothing. iN a way you already taught her that way back when you took her back because....tears....

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MissCanuk's post—#4—is pure gold. I'd read it a few dozen times and see what sticks.


Being completely honest, though? I can't help but see that as a terrific guide for, well, for maybe your next relationship. It is simply very, very hard to change a dynamic that has existed for 6 years, like taking a sitcom and rewriting it as a drama with all the same characters. What "works" with you two, in other words, is also what doesn't work. Her tantrums, your capitulation, simmering nerves and resentment on both sides: over and over and over, year after year. That there is an engine that is humming, but sadly the fuel is toxic, since you are each triggering and validating sides in the other that neither of you like. If you were both brutally honest right now, I suspect you'd find that your most common ground is being deeply unhappy in this relationship.


Can that unhappiness be a bonding point? To me that's the question, meaning: Can you both agree that this is not working—not the stuff of marriage—and then agree to give yourself a certain amount of time (6 months, say) to see about fixing the engine and the fuel, together? That looks like humbly admitting you're both at a loss and getting help from therapists, individual and together, and seeing if that help can teach you to connect with different fibers: healthy ones, not toxic ones. Really tricky part? That path I just described has to sound somewhat thrilling and worthwhile, to both of you. Otherwise it's just playacting, more of the same: gritting your teeth and further conditioning yourself to equate "committed relationship" with "torture." Many people do this, with thousands of sitcoms premised around the idea that marriage is misery, but it's not the only way. While all relationships do take "work," as the saying goes, that doesn't mean they need to feel like hauling bricks. Ideally it's more like the work of writing a novel, than something that that breaks the back and spirit.


While your situation reminded MissCanuk of her bother, it reminds me of my best friend. He spent 10 years, the entirety of his 20s, in a relationship that was good for a year, and then...less good every year after. They were both type-A personalities, obsessed with "working things out," and so the bulk of their relationship was spent seeing if they could make something work that didn't quite work, holding their breath in the present in hopes of exhaling, at some point, in the future.


I never understood it, honestly. They always struck me as two decent people who, together, were indecent, but both too stubborn and codependent to admit that. They got engaged—which was kind of the last Hail Mary. My friend confided in me that he thought he needed to ask her to marry her to...realize they would never actually work. I told him what I'd tell you: to not react to that thought right away, but also not to ignore it, since it is much easier to end an engagement than a marriage. They ultimately ended it. Both are much happier today.


Moral of that story, to my eyes? It is simply much easier to be in a relationship with someone with whom you are genuinely compatible with, rather than a relationship where you're not. This is something people often learn by being in a relationship (maybe more than one) that feels the way yours feels: round hole, square peg, constant friction. I can only imagine how hard it is to consider the idea that this relationship, for both of you, might be best seen as teaching you that lesson. Though here in the bleacher seats? That's my gut read: that you have spent some early years in a romance that has taught you a lot about how you don't want romance to look and feel. A bitter pill to swallow right now, but not swallowing might lead to more bitterness. You're only 20something. You have 60 more years of life ahead of you.


So, I see two options: You can try to apply those lessons to this romance, and see if it can change shape to become livable. You do that with an open mind and open heart, but also with honesty. If it gets better, great. If it doesn't—sad, very, but also great. It means you've both learned that you don't work, which will be the first step toward working toward a life that does. Might not be with each other, but you can thank each other for those lessons, along with what I'm sure are plenty of wonderful times and history.

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What would I do in your shoes? When you're both in a mellow mood, sit on the couch and hold her hand and say: I love you and want this to work, but things can't go on as they are. I love spending time with you, but I also value alone time, and time spent with my guy friends. I'm going to make that happen for my own mental health. I'm going to plan a guy's night out once a month (or day, on your weekend day off). When I get home from work, I'd like an hour to myself to destress, and check my e-mails, etc., and don't want any questions of when I'll be done, to be rushed. (Or if you want to have an actual schedule of Tuesdays and Thursdays to be concrete about it, instead of daily). I want for us to do our own thing once a month on a Sunday, because I feel smothered being joined at the hip 24/7.


You have to make your own needs known, and yes, they are reasonable. If a partner can't respect that, and battles you with crying because she knows your spine collapses like a wet noodle, then why you should settle for a life of suffocating frustration? At this watershed moment, if you don't back down, she will likely see how serious you are this time, and perhaps change for the better. If not, know you did what you had to do, laying out everything in an important discussion, and gave her a choice to improve things in the relationship.


If you can afford counseling and have the time to go, I'd strongly suggest that as a last resort before throwing in the towel. If you can't afford the house on your own, sell it. As a side note, six hours of sleep a night isn't healthy and it will catch up to you eventually. I'd try going to bed earlier.


Don't marry and hope for change. Your relationship has been like this for 5 years, so what you see is what you get. Get this sorted out now and don't move forward unless your discussion bares good results in the long run. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Yeah so PROTIP:


If you've got little or no savings, don't squander it on the lowest bidding contractor. And during a pandemic, it's generally a good idea not having an entire work crew you don't know coming in and out of your house. Just kinda basic common sense. Please ignore and imploring that you risk your financial and physical health because your girlfriend doesn't like the kitchen. Needing a makeover =/= TLC. Plenty of homes scream "1950s" but are perfectly livable and functional. You're not responsible for her decision to not just buy a house she wasn't immediately comfortable in, but to also immediately move in absent necessity.


That isn't saying you're not lacking your own culpability. I don't know anything about you beyond what you've written. I do know that buying a house when borderline broke is its own bad decision. Doing so with someone with whom you've been suffering this dynamic going on years now takes that bad decision to a whole other level. I can't tell you what to do, but I'd at the very, very least have whatever wedding date you've got postponed indefinitely. Honestly though, I'd seriously look into reselling it. Look into the tiniest things you could do yourself at little cost to touch the house and the yard up. You've already made a very questionable investment of your time and money with her. Now's not the time I'd go about doubling down.

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If you have a married couple with kids who have encountered some rough waters, then yes, by all means do counseling to try and give it your all to sort things out. However, counseling for an unmarried couple just trying to force the relationship to work? Sorry, but no and no. If you need counseling to force your relationship to work, it's your giant flashing neon sign that you are not compatible and the solution is to part ways instead of hammering and hammering at that round peg square hole problem.


The point of dating and relationships is NOT to force things to work no matter what, it's to determine if you are in fact compatible and can live happily together for the long term. If you find that you don't mesh, you walk away from each other and seek better suited partners elsewhere respectively. It doesn't make either person bad, just not suited to each other.

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No she has no options to stay anywhere except her parent's house, she has issues with her mother as she gets on everybody's nerves by bossing people around and repeating herself all the time. So the last place my partner would go is back there.


So essentially, you are marrying her mother. Take a good look at the mom, because that's who she's become.

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