Am I just not good at online dating?

[SherrySher]

Try not to take it too personal. Honestly, you and every other woman out there who's not looking for a hookup, has a difficult time finding a man who wants an actual relationship and is a decent man.

 

There are so many game players online now, it's not even funny. I'm not sure if it's due to the internet now, or if people have just lost their manners, and morals. But it seems the trend to go on dating sites now, treat one another however without much regard, hook up and move on.

Pretty sad to be honest.

 

It's tough to find a good guy! But rest assured , they are out there. You just have to be patient and unfortunately, navigate your way though a lot of Mr. Wrongs.

 

I agree with Wiseman, find better dating sites. The paying one's give you better odds as no one usually pays for a dating site unless they're a bit more serious about finding a partner.

Send a few messages back and forth (I'd give it a few days time, at most a week) and if they don't ask to meet in person, move on to someone else.

 

Hang in there, it takes a lot of frogs before you find a prince. Crossing fingers for you.

[Andrina]

I tried E-Harmony, but it's the most expensive one and I didn't have luck there. There weren't enough guys sho signed up in my area, and it's a very slow moving process.

 

Many women blame themselves and pick through all their actions to see what they did wrong, instead of considering the guy isn't good bf material and he's plain dumb to pass up wonderful you.

 

He thanked me a couple of times for being 'so chill about everything'. At this point in my life, I'm really easy going. I put no pressure on him for anything more than what he wanted. I let him lead. This statement of yours is concerning, however. You should be driving the bus of your life--not let someone else take you where THEY want to go.

 

Perhaps you are seen as a people-pleaser, not wanting to rock the boat with your own wants, and accepting whatever the guy is comfortable with, so that you can stay in his life. If so, you might be seen as spineless, a doormat, and a yes person. You also speak of mirroring a guy's conversation, another clue that you're letting men be your guide, and that you're possibly afraid of being yourself.

 

I might be totally off the mark, but if I'm not, you're going to have to change your mindset. Be yourself, and there will eventually be a guy who appreciates you for who you are. Confidence is the biggest attractor. It's best to think: A guy has to treat me special to be in my life, or he'll be told where the door is. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to it.

 

As far as your volunteer friend? Once you pass from being platonic friends to making out, even if it didn't work out, it's probably not a good idea to stay friends anyway. Because when you start dating a guy and he asks if the "friend" you hang out with has been anything more to you in the past, you'll likely drive him away when he hears you made out with him and wanted more, etc. Your friend didn't have a stable job. So if you'd dated, you would've had to spend more money than him on dates, and had you also considered he might not have a high work ethic? You're a bit too "chill" about important things a partner of yours should possess. You sound like a kind, empathetic person, but you're going to have to use your brain in addition to your heart when you're considering who to date.

 

I never had luck asking men out, but I'm sure some have. The successes in that area that I personally know have been bold women asking very shy men out. I'm not into shy men. I know that men look for signs a woman would say yes if he asked her out, so I opted for that route much of the time. I had cases where a guy seemed into me, but eventually I found out he never asked me out because he had a gf I didn't know about, or he just wasn't that into me, but liked the ego boost that I had a crush on him.

 

I had to go on dates with about 30 men before finding my husband. It's a lot of catch and release. In the case of the guy who you would've slept with if you weren't menstruating, it would've been a bad idea. It's best to gauge a guy's true interest for longterm by seeing if he's patient for sex and wanting to date you to get to know you, without the immediate goal of sex.

 

The fact that he kept interrupting making out with you by mentioning how he wasn't over his ex, and you kept making out with him anyway, showed your lack of self worth. What would I have said the first time he mentioned this? "Oops. This is a mistake then." Then I'd stop making out with him. Why would you continue on with someone who has emotional baggage? You're not behaving in your best interest.

 

You might want to read the book The Key by Rhonda Byrne. It helped me to develop a better mindset, and how to think about how to go about achieving my goals. Good luck and keep us updated.

[waffle]

Like I'll have weeks of texting with these guys - and then they just abruptly stop speaking with me. Does that count as ghosting?

 

To me it does. I think online "ghosting" is a thing and it involves any situation where things are progressing to the point that there is a reasonable expectation/intention of things continuing, and meeting (which is the purpose of OLD as I understand it) and then they just disappear. Then I look at the title of this thread and the question isn't "what constitutes 'ghosting'?" but rather "am I just not good at this online thing where the intent is to meet people and I'm not meeting any people?"

 

I wasn't good at it either. It was too transactional for me . . . too much treating people like merchandise on a shelf, too many rules as far as when to meet and how to meet and what pictures to post and how many pictures to post and who's a liar based on filters they may or may not have used and jump through these hoops so you'll be appealing to the most amount of customers/consumers and make sure to do this and don't say that blah blah blah blah blah. The paid sites/apps were even worse for too many reasons to list here, but (my opinion) mostly because people have this sense of entitlement that they paid $200 for 6 months of membership or whatever ridiculous amount of money it is, so they darn well better meet the people that they are entitled to meet for that kind of money. In a nutshell, OLD is fraught with unrealistic expectations and disrespectful behavior. Looking inward to try to figure out how you can better conform to be what someone else wants is always doomed for failure anyway.

 

The only thing that ever worked for me was living my life, getting out and doing things and not caring if you "meet someone" or not. Maybe you WON'T end up meeting anyone that way either (none of us are guaranteed a relationship in this life) but I have never heard of anyone regretting getting out there and participating in their life.

[Batya33]

To me it does. I think online "ghosting" is a thing and it involves any situation where things are progressing to the point that there is a reasonable expectation/intention of things continuing, and meeting (which is the purpose of OLD as I understand it) and then they just disappear. Then I look at the title of this thread and the question isn't "what constitutes 'ghosting'?" but rather "am I just not good at this online thing where the intent is to meet people and I'm not meeting any people?"

 

I wasn't good at it either. It was too transactional for me . . . too much treating people like merchandise on a shelf, too many rules as far as when to meet and how to meet and what pictures to post and how many pictures to post and who's a liar based on filters they may or may not have used and jump through these hoops so you'll be appealing to the most amount of customers/consumers and make sure to do this and don't say that blah blah blah blah blah. The paid sites/apps were even worse for too many reasons to list here, but (my opinion) mostly because people have this sense of entitlement that they paid $200 for 6 months of membership so they darn well better meet the people that they are entitled to meet for that kind of money. In a nutshell, OLD is fraught with unrealistic expectations and disrespectful behavior. Looking inward to try to figure out how you can better conform to be what someone else wants is always doomed for failure anyway.

 

The only thing that ever worked for me was living my life, getting out and doing things and not caring if you "meet someone" or not. Maybe you WON'T end up meeting anyone that way either (none of us are guaranteed a relationship in this life) but I have never heard of anyone regretting getting out there and participating in their life.

 

I found lots of in person environments like this too -certain bars/clubs/singles events - fraught with unrealistic expectations and disrespectful behavior -and then I'd have to get dressed and go out to look for the needle in the haystack (which I did -finding a husband was a part time job at times!). I liked the transactional aspects - because it increased the chances of me meeting someone compatible, who I had things in common with. I had a short list of requirements, I'd confirm that they were telling the truth on their profile as much as possible then meet.

 

I never tried to lie to myself about "I'll just go out with no expectations of meeting someone" -for me that would be have been a dishonest way to live and I didn't have enough free time to not care. I did certain things just to meet men, other things which were a combo and when I did things only with women I saw it, in addition to having fun - as an opportunity to be set up with their single male friends and acquaintances -I did the same for them, too.

 

Texting for weeks with strangers is a huge waste of time IMO.

[bluecastle]

There are so many game players online now, it's not even funny. I'm not sure if it's due to the internet now, or if people have just lost their manners, and morals. But it seems the trend to go on dating sites now, treat one another however without much regard, hook up and move on.

Pretty sad to be honest.

 

Here's how I look at it, so it doesn't become a verdict on the fall of humanity.

 

The apps are like a virtual bar, with everyone "on them" for all sorts of reasons, many of them similar to the reasons people have walked into bars for centuries: sex, attention, boredom, unwinding, distraction, meeting new people, finding that special person. It's a bit murky—also like bars—because people don't always know why they're really there, and all the murkier because the idea of "dating apps" gives an illusory sense of certainty and focus where there isn't one.

 

We don't have "dating bars," but just "bars," though people have gone into bars single and walked out with future husbands and wives. The "dating apps" are really just "people apps," in how they are actually used by actual people. So to expect to go on one, and find thousands of people who want to date you, or even genuinely date, is a recipe for insanity. But if you view them as a potential portal to connection, with a few barriers that might streamline potential romance, they can be both fun and productive. I met some cool people through them, and some who weren't so cool. Had some kind of boring times. Also fell in love.

 

Positives and negatives. Like bars, or parties, or parks, or wherever people collide with people they don't know. A so-so night can turn into a great one, just like a good night can turn into a lousy one. Key is to keep your head on straight, and know why you're walking in the door. Leeches the power away from strangers and keeps it in your hands and heart.

[smackie9]

I just didn't know whether I should start asking for dates?

I heard that it turns a guy off if you're too forward?

 

But, for none of the guys I text ask to go on a date? Is that usual?

 

I usually let things die.

I would like to actually go on dates and not waste my time texting. I have very little time for that nowadays with all of my volunteer work etc.

 

Thanks for helping me out though!

I did have a guy, I suppose, ACTUALLY ghost me after seeing me a few times. It's a long and confusing story for me. I was really hurt by it at the end of the day. Maybe I should post on here and get everyone's opinions on it.

Use Bubble..women make the first move. TBH tho. Guys are visual creatures..if you are not hot looking they are not going to be banging your door down.

[Batya33]

Use Bubble..women make the first move. TBH tho. Guys are visual creatures..if you are not hot looking they are not going to be banging your door down.

 

Never been hot looking and I contacted men through online sites regularly and was contacted regularly over the years I was on online dating sites including by really good guys. I let the man ask me for the first date after we met in person - 99% of the time maybe 100% (yes I have asked out men in other contexts), yes I have suggested first meets which to me are not dates in the least). I wasn't looking for "hot" men. Men are more visual at first I agree -men are not always looking for "hot" women but more likely are looking for women they are attracted to -not always the same thing, not at all.

[boltnrun]

"Hot" is subjective.

 

I know men who look at Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox and think they are not hot. My brother, for instance, looks at them and has only one word to say..."skinny". He loves a woman with more to her so when he hugs her he feels curves, not bones.

 

Look at the popularity of the "pin-up" type model. Those women cannot be slim! The prototype is the curvy woman with hips and thighs and a tummy and a butt because those clothes are not designed for skinny women.

 

I am no beauty queen but in my day I had no problem attracting men. Even today, with my middle aged face and grey hair, I still get men of all ages approaching me.

 

OP, please do not be convinced you must fit some prototype of "hot" determined by someone else. There are many men out there who will be attracted to you for your character and mind and interests in addition to your appearance.

[lostandhurt]

Some guys are forward and some guys are shy or unsure just like woman. I agree that if you only have time to text and you are serious about meeting someone then you need to make time if it is truly a priority for you.

 

I have women send me messages first, I have women give me their number at social events and I am never put off by it or view them in a bad light. I actually like it because it shows she is a confidant strong woman that is not afraid to put herself out there.

 

Personally for me ideally it goes like this: Send a message, she replies and shows interest by asking things about me and doesn't give simple one or two word answers to my questions. We message back and forth a few times to feel each other out and then I offer my phone number and suggest we TALK on the phone, no texting! We talk and if it goes well I tell them I would like to get to know them better and suggest we meet for coffee or a drink after work some day very soon. If they want to talk on the phone a few more times before we meet that is cool but there needs to be a face to face fairly soon.

 

There are a ton of people doing online that keep waiting for the next message and the perfect match but they will talk to you in the mean time. Be wary of these people and guys telling you what you want to hear to get into your pants. In time you will be able to pick up on who is interested in getting to know the real you.

 

It is a numbers game for sure...

 

Lost

[maew]

OP I can't even tell you how many conversations that I started that got ignored, or where eventually they would stop responding.... probably 100's over the years I was doing OLD!

 

It doesn't take much for someone to stop responding... I did it too; sometimes the vibe was off, sometimes they said something that was off putting, sometimes they reminded me of an ex or a family member... could be anything.

 

At the end of the day it's part of the game. You might try switching up who you reach out to... it may be that the ones you are attracted to aren't compatible with your style of communication.