I’m not sure if we broke up or not

[Moonhobbit9]

On again, off again relationships never work out, because couples who care work on problems together instead of bailing and risking losing a person forever. You lug your toxic emotional baggage everywhere you go which is exhausting for you, and stressful for your partner to witness and be swept up in. Be alone until you learn to ditch it. Read books/articles on how to do that, or every future relationship you have will end, just as this one has.

 

Spending at least 5 nights a week at his place, it sounds like you have no social life besides him. Very smothering and too much weight on his shoulders that he is "your all" to him.

 

Take this free time you now have to reconnect to girlfriends you've probably lost touch with. Start a new hobby you can be passionate about. Join Meetup.com to do fun activities with others in your community. And keep up with all of that even when you have a boyfriend. An independent woman with her own life is a lot more attractive than a barnacle.

 

A man shows you he cares with his actions and makes you feel like a priority. If he doesn't, ask yourself what the reason could be if it's a temporary situation, and have a wait and see attitude instead of pleading for reassurance, since you know that's a problem you have. Ask a close friend if you're reasonable or not in your concerns if you question your own mindset. Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus is a great book about couples communication, so check it out.

 

Until you can date at a normal pace, not slow or fast, don't date. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

We don’t spend as much time together as it may come across aside from the Xmas period. The usual routine is Friday day off together, Sunday and Thursday evenings together. Apart from that we pass each other working as I do days and he does evenings and even though I’m at the flat after I finish work he’s still at work till 12:30am so I do go to see friends and family on those nights and my other day off he’s working. The last few weeks we have seen even less of each other....one evening, no day off together and he finishes 3am on the other days so I stay there so I can see him for 15/20 mins before we sleep.

 

I absolutely agree with not reacting so quickly and asking a friend if something is worth mentioning or not, that’s very valuable.

 

Thank you so much

[Moonhobbit9]

I agree with the others - let him come to you and don't stress about this. I think what's worrying is his drinking more than his work hours. If it continues that way or he has a problem with it, I'd end the relationship more due to that instead of his work. The situation came about this time because who knows how many drinks he had that evening. He shouldn't be creating a dependency on alcohol just because he had a tough day at work. That leads to all kinds of issues later on.

 

He does actually drink a lot...he has 2/3 bottles of beer most evenings after work and on nights off has 4 beers in the house when watching tv...I have mentioned this before but know he’s argued with past girlfriends about it so as much as I care I didn’t want to bagger him about that.

[Wiseman2]

Take a deep breathe and enjoy the holidays with your friends and family. Join some clubs and groups, take some course or classes and volunteer. You need a full life and to live your own life.

 

Consider getting some part time work in your spare time and start looking for apt/house shares and roommates. You have been given the gift of independence. Embrace it.

 

Camping at this guys house trying to fix and change him, cling etc is not a good way to move your life forward. Stop telling yourself things like "the roomies was out so it was ok",..well no it wasn't ok in the long run. Do not contact him. Let him relax and enjoy his decision and the holidays. As you should as well.

[Rose Mosse]

He does actually drink a lot...he has 2/3 bottles of beer most evenings after work and on nights off has 4 beers in the house when watching tv...I have mentioned this before but know he’s argued with past girlfriends about it so as much as I care I didn’t want to bagger him about that.

 

Sorry - this doesn't sit well with me. The capacity and ability to nurture relationships is affected by how much a person drinks or depends on alcohol. It sounds like he has a dependency on it or is an alcoholic. You have a much bigger problem with his drinking than you do with his work, in my opinion. His time is very limited in this industry. If he's spending it wasted or in a drunken stupor or requires alcohol to run his day to day ongoings or in order to function, this is bad news for you - financially, emotionally, mentally down the line. Hope you take care of yourself.

[Moonhobbit9]

Sorry - this doesn't sit well with me. The capacity and ability to nurture relationships is affected by how much a person drinks or depends on alcohol. It sounds like he has a dependency on it or is an alcoholic. You have a much bigger problem with his drinking than you do with his work, in my opinion. His time is very limited in this industry. If he's spending it wasted or in a drunken stupor or requires alcohol to run his day to day ongoings or in order to function, this is bad news for you - financially, emotionally, mentally down the line. Hope you take care of yourself.

 

He doesn’t get drunk often or use it to function but he does have beer after work to unwind most evenings. I understand what you are saying though. I do want to help him. Thanks so much I will comment in a week or so if theres an update. 😊

[Whirling D]

Hi there,

 

I relate significantly to your entire story. I think you and I are a lot alike. I am a man, and you are a woman, however.

 

My situation is very similar to yours, but I saw no major cracks in mine until just a few days ago, when the whole thing came tumbling down.

 

Similar to your situation, we both brought bad experiences into this relationship, and it is obviously affecting where it is at now.

 

Just like your situation, I have no idea what’s going to happen. My girlfriend seemed to call off our relationship this past Sunday, saying it was too much stress for her to handle and that although she didn’t want to dismiss my anxiety about things, it just added to her own Stress, and she didn’t think she could deal with it. She didn’t actually say she that we were done, and she told me that she loved me and my younger daughter, but she thought maybe she needed to be alone to sort out what has happened to her in the past, and that she had never really had a chance to do that.

 

I think you and I responded many of the same ways. I think we figure connection, communication and contact are the antidote to this kind of situation. I have been fraught with anxiety and feelings of abandonment Since she told me all this, even though she has been very gently keeping in touch with me, although in a fairly disconnected way.

 

I have no choice but to honor what she is asking, which is what your fellow is asking, and that is space to figure out what and is up, particularly during a very stressful period of time for all of us. You and I probably feel very abandoned for the holidays, and that seems very sad. It’s really hard to keep occupied When there is no one around and it is the holiday season. I feel for you, as I do for myself.

 

I don’t buy some of the respondents on here who say that your relationship is doomed, and that it will inevitably fail. I do agree that both of us, you and I, have to distract ourselves from putting pressure on our partner to be anything other than what they are at this particular moment. One would think that we should be able to be Band-Aids for our partners, but I think that is more imagination than reality. The truth is, relationships are painfully hard and people get hurt. There are no easy solutions and easy answers. It could be said that perhaps both of our partners are not the right fit for us. I wouldn’t have predicted that a bunch of months ago, especially given that we both come from trauma backgrounds. However, is it possible we are missing Red flags and signals in our own need to be partnered into find someone that we feel we can connect with?

 

I know for me, this lady has a lot of very beautiful characteristics, but it’s not perfect. I do feel I have worked on myself enough to be able to find the strength within me to get over the imperfections and my high expectations. That’s been a positive step forward for me. I think she’s having a harder time doing that, with only one imperfection coming to the forefront, and that is my anxiety In social situations, and my inability to completely trust what she is telling me. That was a big one for her.

 

You could read my posting from today that will explain more of the situation. I think there are a bunch of parallels.

 

I had more thoughts that came up upon reading the other respondents remarks, but can’t think of them…

 

The way I see it, if you love this guy, you have no choice but to let him go, at least in the matter he is asking for. I don’t think you should not reach out once in a while to say hi, because I think that would be useful. He will know you are thinking of him but not putting pressure on him. If he loves you in a similar way, and he sees you doing the work to give him what he needs and to move your own life in a positive direction, he will return. If he doesn’t, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. One way or the other, I think you should be out looking for other dating prospects, as I think I will be if my situation doesn’t turn around fairly quickly. Life is too short to be waiting around for something that may or may not ever happen.

[Moonhobbit9]

Sorry Whirling D I didn’t get a chance to respond to your message but thank you very much for commenting. I read your other threads and I do hope everything went well over Christmas with your partner! I’m glad you got the chance to work on things with her and see you are putting advice from members on here into practise to benefit yourself and your relationship 😊

[Stdavid]

He does actually drink a lot...he has 2/3 bottles of beer most evenings after work and on nights off has 4 beers in the house when watching tv...I have mentioned this before but know he’s argued with past girlfriends about it so as much as I care I didn’t want to bagger him about that.

 

It's really tricky but if you are in a relationship with someone, you have to be honest about certain points. It's easy not to want to nag, but if something is important to you, your partner should respect that. Disliking his tie could be seen as nagging. But if you worry that he is drinking too much, that's a genuine concern and he should either deal with it or explain why he's not going to.

 

Overall, sounds to me like he doesn't know what he wants and hasn't taken control of his life. He's allowed work to take over and that's left him without time for a relationship. He may move on from there and come back to you.

 

Good luck!

[Moonhobbit9]

It’s 4 weeks since It all happens and since I saw him. My friends and family are all saying that I should message him and ask him to talk. They all say that I need to know where I stand.

 

He was working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I messaged “Merry Christmas ♥️😘” on Christmas morning and he replied 17 hours later saying “Merry Christmas I hope you had a good day, sorry for the late reply it’s been a busy 24 hours 😘” I replied to that saying “ it’s ok I understand it must have been hectic, I hope it all went well and hope you have a much more relaxing day with the family tomorrow”. And there has been no more contact since.

 

Obviously we still haven’t spoken about the break at all and so my family and friends are now saying that if he does love me he should know know if he wants to be with me or not after a month. I don’t want to put pressure on him and so I was thinking I could ask him to go for a coffee and not ask to have a talk and see what happens.

 

Now that Christmas and New Year is over he will be working less and I do think we would be in a better position to work things out.

I understand now it was all pressurised due to him working a lot and not being able to put time or energy into us and feeling burn out and me feeling like he was pushing away and so being more anxious. I truly don’t think either of these issues would now apply and would like the chance to start fresh. I would like to put it to him that I will only spend a few nights a week at his and we can start dating again and build back up from there.

 

I appreciate some have said they think it’s already over but when it all happened that night he said he didn’t know what he wanted and needed space. All of my stuff is still at his and I really think if it was over he would have asked me to come to get it all.

 

Of course I don’t know what he’s thinking and even know I “know him” there’s only so much I can assume but I think it’s a case of 3 scenarios

 

1) He’s literally still thinking about it all as up until a few days ago work would have been stressful and busy still.

2) He’s decided already for himself he doesn’t want to make it work but is looking for “the right time” to talk to me and tell me

3) Same as number 2 but is doing it as he thinks it’s best for me as he said “I didn’t deserve this” when he was asking me to leave.

[Moonhobbit9]

I am going to message him tomorrow saying “Hiya, I hope you are ok. I was wondering if you were free tonight or sometime this week and want to meet up”

 

If he does agree to meet up would you advise talking about the situation at all? Obviously I want the chance to have a discussion to gauge his thoughts after 4 weeks and also to take responsibility of placing added pressure on him at an already stressful time and propose starting again fresh.

 

I would like to think by giving him this space he has seen I have shown respect for him wanting space and I know if we both talked things through we will be able to build up a more healthy relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is still happening. Pull away. He is telling you how he feels by delaying responses and continuing to use the "busy" excuse. He has not contacted you to talk. Give him time to miss you and reflect. Don't chase this hard, even if friends and family want you to be less anxious about things. Try to relax.

My friends and family are all saying that I should message him and ask him to talk. he replied 17 hours later saying “Merry Christmas I hope you had a good day, sorry for the late reply it’s been a busy 24 hours 😘”

[Moonhobbit9]

Thank you. I didn’t think I was chasing him as I messaged 2 times in 4 weeks the rest of the time I have been silent and thought I was doing really well, just been going to work and seeing friends and haven’t been overly anxious. What sort of time frame should I be looking at as I literally don’t know where we stand.

[Lambert]

Thank you. I didn’t think I was chasing him as I messaged 2 times in 4 weeks the rest of the time I have been silent and thought I was doing really well, just been going to work and seeing friends and haven’t been overly anxious. What sort of time frame should I be looking at as I literally don’t know where we stand.

I don't think 2 times in 4 weeks is chasing but, you've tried a couple times. he knows he can contact you.

 

Go about your own life and business. that's my advice.

[RayRay63]

What sort of time frame should I be looking at

 

Forever, or until he has been able to de-stress and contacts you, whichever happens first.

 

He asked you to let him be, so instead of agonizing over exactly when you should next contact him, why not respect his wishes?

 

By the way regarding this:

 

He does actually drink a lot...he has 2/3 bottles of beer most evenings after work and on nights off has 4 beers in the house when watching tv...I have mentioned this before but know he’s argued with past girlfriends about it so as much as I care I didn’t want to bagger him about that.

 

 

A bloke who has a couple of beers after work, or enjoys a few brews watching the game, is not an alcoholic in my book. Nowhere near it. 2 (mid strength) beers in an hour doesn't even put you over the limit for driving. People need a 'third space' to de-stress in between work and their domestic life, otherwise they bring the work stress home. It actually assists maintaining healthy relationships to get that personal time - and not feel suffocated.

 

he said he deserved to have a chill after a hard few days and I took it personal that he didn’t want to come home to chill with me

 

he said he couldn’t handle having to deal with all day at work then be getting it at home too

 

There seems to be a theme to this.

 

I suggest you check out Catfeeder's sig.

[Moonhobbit9]

Thank you.

 

I am in the mindset now that I can continue to leave it be but literally all my family are friends are saying I need to know what’s he’s decided (don’t know if that’s maybe a cultural thing, I’m from England UK)

 

I accept this all happened due to my actions as I was acting out of fear. By fearing loosing him I have intact lost him through my actions over those 3 weeks and by taking things personally when I shouldn’t have. I take full responsibility of what has happened.

 

I agree he isn’t an alcoholic at all, I just mean I recognise he has and still uses alcohol as a coping mechanism.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, he is using the busy excuse and perhaps wasn't clear enough that it's over. It sounds like he realizes you're very fragile and therefore doesn't want to hurt you and because of that you are hanging on to hope.

said he was tired of always reassuring me. He said he didn’t have the time or energy right now to fix anything and that either work or the relationship had to go and work couldn’t.

[Moonhobbit9]

Yes I am hoping because he told me the night it all happened there was hope. I asked him if there was any hope he said there was he just didn’t know what he wanted and needed space to figure himself out. That’s why I thought having a talk now or next week would be a good idea to get clarity.

[Wiseman2]

Ok it sounds like you're not ready to let go and you're hoping that he'll give you some sort of answers.

I asked him if there was any hope he said yes he just didn’t know what he wanted and needed space to figure himself out. That’s why I thought having a talk now or next week would be a good idea to get clarity.

[Moonhobbit9]

I agree with that, I would like to know if he is willing to talk things through or if it really is over.

[MaybeThen]

Why not just send the message and be direct about your needs? You want to know if it's really over, and you are going to ruminate until you find out. It's been 4 weeks, the easiest thing to do at this point would be to ask.

[RayRay63]

I recognise he has and still uses alcohol as a coping mechanism.

 

What do you think it is that he needs it to cope with?

[Moonhobbit9]

When he’s stressed...in the last 6 months since starting this job there’s probably been 3/4 days he’s not drank at all.

[Moonhobbit9]

I have always respected his working ethic and approach, we met at work...I always said he made me proud and i encouraged him to go for his new job when he felt under appreciated where we worked. He credited me for supporting him enough to be promoted in September. I do think however his approach and management style is to internalise stress instead of letting his staff see it as he always said “if you flap and panic tour staff will too”. I also feel like he wanted to prove himself more since his promotion and then with November/December being so busy and staff quitting there was added pressure on him.

 

I feel absolutely disappointed in myself as he said he knew things would be for a bit but it was the job he had and I said I understood but still ultimately lead him to thinking through my insecurities brought about by changes which were only happening cause he didn’t have time that he needed to chose work or me. He absolutely didn’t need too and I should have put my own feelings aside for a few weeks.

 

This extra pressure has now gone and I have done a lot of reflection on myself and I just honestly want the chance to try again.

[Wiseman2]

Do you believe the breakup is about his work? Did you ever recover from the relationship before this? It seems odd that you need "constant reassurances', no? The breakup is not your fault, so don't be upset about that. It simply didn't work out for whatever reasons and he used the 'too busy at work' excuse.

 

He may have wanted you to stop camping out in his place almost every night and smothering him while his roommate had to pay the bills, but he should have just said so. Do you work? Go to school? Live with family? What kind of interests and ambitions do you pursue? Make sure you don't laser-focus this much in the future by having interests and goals that keep you busy. Never camp out in some guys place in the future. Create space and breathing room.

I said I understood but still ultimately lead him to thinking through my insecurities brought about by changes which were only happening cause he didn’t have time that he needed to chose work or me.

[Moonhobbit9]

Yes I do believe so as before this festive bust period we literally had no problems and didn’t ever fight.

 

My past relationship was emotionally and in the end physically abusive. He blamed his cheating on me and broke up with me but told me would get back together which we did then he broke up with me a year later again said we would get back together in a few months and I found out he was in contact with 5 other girls asking them to go see him and sexting them.

 

I started a new job last July and that’s where I met my boyfriend...he was my boss and had a girlfriend but they were arguing all the time and it started as he was always at work (the place we worked at together opened in July and we were all doing 13 hour shifts) he told me a few weeks after meeting he didn’t want to be with her as they had problems and he wanted to be with me and ended it with her in September 2018. His last 5 relationships have all been with people he has met at work and he has gone from relationship to relationship. I truly don’t think there’s anyone else but I do think he’s used to leaving when there’s problems. I do think he’s confused to where his life is going and he wants a family but his working hours are unsocial but I understood this as I used to work in a similar role.

 

As I mentioned I was at his a lot he gave me a key and said he wanted me there to come home to. I work full time and I see family and friends a lot as usually we would spend 1 day and 2 evenings together and the rest of the time I worked 9-5 and he worked 2pm/3pm-12am so we don’t see too much of eachother. Due to the bust Christmas period we were seeing other less.