j.man Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 Well I can only presume by this that no one is willing to put me in their spare bedroom then My spare bedroom? No... Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted November 26, 2019 Share Posted November 26, 2019 He lets her move in, she's going to refuse to move out when the time comes, you watch...... If she wants to put away money, she can start with selling that jet ski. lol Smackie... I can always count on you. Ever the opportunist. ;) Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 My spare bedroom? No... I was trying to play hard to get Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 I was trying to form a compelling response and you all threw me off with this. . LOL This is all negotiable. There are 3 of you in the mix and 3 differing ideas. You sit down, hammer this out and compromise. Sorry if she doesn't like the terms, but that's life. If she doesn't like the idea of compromising with those she will be living with then she can live on her own and compromise isn't even an factor. Everything can be just the way she likes it. Who pointed out the jet ski? Painfully obvious starting point for saving money. Seriously. Impose on the kindness of family who will take you in when you are struggling and get uppity about where to put your jetski? Please?!$# There's not "three of them". There is the OP and her boyfriend - who is the homeowner. The sister lives there or doesn't based on the pleasure/whims/good graces of the home owner and the terms are not dictated by the sister. The terms are presented and if she does not like them, she doesn't stay. The other thing you might want to consider is if she is "planning" to move in in six months, its not an emergency. Who knows, she may not have filed for divorce and her husband could end up agreeing for her to stay in their house. If it was a domestic violence issue where she had to leave immediately - that's one thing, but it seems long calculated. I would suggest he stipulates that she must have a job offer in the area before she comes BTW, if she has a job, i don't understand why she needs to move to your area? Link to comment
cotalava Posted November 27, 2019 Author Share Posted November 27, 2019 There's not "three of them". There is the OP and her boyfriend - who is the homeowner. The sister lives there or doesn't based on the pleasure/whims/good graces of the home owner and the terms are not dictated by the sister. The terms are presented and if she does not like them, she doesn't stay. The other thing you might want to consider is if she is "planning" to move in in six months, its not an emergency. Who knows, she may not have filed for divorce and her husband could end up agreeing for her to stay in their house. If it was a domestic violence issue where she had to leave immediately - that's one thing, but it seems long calculated. I would suggest he stipulates that she must have a job offer in the area before she comes BTW, if she has a job, i don't understand why she needs to move to your area? That has been part of my confusion all along. She has been planning to leave her husband since last December, they have their issues and she has stuck around trying counseling etc but says he hasn’t changed and so she is leaving, as of now they have different rooms in their house and she just wants out but she is trying to get a certain amount of experience before she applies to new jobs as she’s a new grad nurse. My boyfriend has told her to start applying and see where she gets a job and go from there. There is no particular reason she has to come over to our city aside from the fact it is more affordable than where she currently lives. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 That's good. It would also be more palatable if she wanted to "stay until she finds a place", rather than "live for years with my pets and jet ski, etc. until I pay off loans". My boyfriend has told her to start applying and see where she gets a job and go from there. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 He told her that three years is too much because he plans on progressing and taking the next steps with me like getting married and starting a family she became upset at this and now is potentially not moving in at all because he rejected her staying for three years. Good. I'd spell out to BF that I'm proud of him for resisting sister's demands, and I hope he will continue until he shuts her down from moving in at all. This is not some rescue mission for a woman who has nowhere else to go. It's catering to a much larger agenda that needn't involve the two of you. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 Good. I'd spell out to BF that I'm proud of him for resisting sister's demands, and I hope he will continue until he shuts her down from moving in at all. This is not some rescue mission for a woman who has nowhere else to go. It's catering to a much larger agenda that needn't involve the two of you. ^This. Maybe one way to approach this is to be supportive of his decisions by positively reinforcing that he is making the right choice. His sister is not in any need and so not his job to support her. If she was in need, that would be different. Perhaps, he needs to hear just that in those simple terms and needs some validation like that so he doesn't get lost in confusion about a situation that's really not that confusing. Just a pat on the back of "hey, you are doing right by telling her no." Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 27, 2019 Share Posted November 27, 2019 My boyfriend has told her to start applying and see where she gets a job and go from there. Good on him for reinforcing to her that she can't just be codependent on him but rather she needs to have a good plan in place and stop flying by the seat of her pants. I agree that communicating to him that you two are on the same page about this is the way to go so that his misplaced guilt doesn't overrule his good sense. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted December 2, 2019 Share Posted December 2, 2019 That has been part of my confusion all along. She has been planning to leave her husband since last December, they have their issues and she has stuck around trying counseling etc but says he hasn’t changed and so she is leaving, as of now they have different rooms in their house and she just wants out but she is trying to get a certain amount of experience before she applies to new jobs as she’s a new grad nurse. My boyfriend has told her to start applying and see where she gets a job and go from there. There is no particular reason she has to come over to our city aside from the fact it is more affordable than where she currently lives. Part of her divorce settlement should be a place for each of them to live. She could end up getting the house with a place for him paid for partially with equity or vice versa, or they could sell the house and each have enough to rent comfortably or a good downpayment on a condo or house. Unless they are both working minimum wage jobs and renting, she has been calculating this for quite some time so i am sure there is another way aside from sponging off her brother. If they rent, then they both have their own incomes and divide the savings. Link to comment
cotalava Posted December 5, 2019 Author Share Posted December 5, 2019 Part of her divorce settlement should be a place for each of them to live. She could end up getting the house with a place for him paid for partially with equity or vice versa, or they could sell the house and each have enough to rent comfortably or a good downpayment on a condo or house. Unless they are both working minimum wage jobs and renting, she has been calculating this for quite some time so i am sure there is another way aside from sponging off her brother. If they rent, then they both have their own incomes and divide the savings. They own a condo and her husband will likely be buying her out of this. She is not financially struggling so that does raise the question of why she wants to come stay with us but it sounds like it’s because she wants to pay off all her student loans to be able to buy a house in a very expensive city. It sounds like at this point she does not plan to come stay with us after my boyfriend shot down the idea of her staying for three years. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 It sounds like at this point she does not plan to come stay with us after my boyfriend shot down the idea of her staying for three years. Well, that's settled then. Luckily your b/f has good sense of boundaries and the confidence enough to enforce them. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 They own a condo and her husband will likely be buying her out of this. She is not financially struggling so that does raise the question of why she wants to come stay with us but it sounds like it’s because she wants to pay off all her student loans to be able to buy a house in a very expensive city. It sounds like at this point she does not plan to come stay with us after my boyfriend shot down the idea of her staying for three years. Good!! Its a luxury to live with family to pay down debt in that case. She can rent just like many other people. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted December 5, 2019 Share Posted December 5, 2019 She is not financially struggling so that does raise the question of why she wants to come stay with us but it sounds like it’s because she wants to pay off all her student loans to be able to buy a house in a very expensive city. I want that deal! Can I come live with you so I can by an expensive house? She benefits at your expense? Uhhmm, no. from the sounds of it, she can do just fine on her own. She probably can't pay off her student loan any time soon, but divorces are terribly inconvenient that way. She is probably fortunate enough to support herself just fine without taking advantage of everyone else. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.