Monkey branching and likelihood of reconciliation vs rebound

[figureitout23]

I see what you're getting at here.

Yes, you're right about feeding unhealthy thoughts and habits. I post on this forum knowing that there's a very good chance I'm going to get some of my words thrown back at me. But, for good reason. I recognize that my thought patterns are very unhealthy and that considering someone who is also unhealthy isn't a good step forward. Sometimes folks like me need a good shakeup.

 

So, I realize you're trying to keep things real and not encourage me to get caught up in the soft and cuddly soft let downs. I understand and appreciate your insights and critiques.

 

Two things I wanted you to elaborate more on: 1) What do you mean being my own worst enemy? and 2) What do you mean not getting lost in the pretty words and ignoring reality? Are you talking about a person's tendency to look at monkey branching etc as a means to hold onto hope that shouldn't be there?

 

Thanks again for trying to understand my situation. It's a doozy and I've been on a crazy emotional rollercoaster for about 4+ years.

 

No.

 

I’m not giving you any advise on monkey branching, A.) because I don’t really have any, and B.) because I do not think at the end of the day it’s helping you move on, if anything it’s helping you stay stuck, I don’t want to be a part of that. I recognize you stating it’s helping, but it makes very little logical sense. Hearing horror stories may help but anything else you’re giving yourself hope.

 

I realize it may not feel like it, you may very well be telling yourself you’re just working through. But I’m telling you from one toxic relationship participant to another, it was just feeding the beast, nothing more.

 

I’m sorry you or others feel I’m being inconsiderate, I’m not trying to be, I’m not even trying to be blunt, I really don’t get why there seems to be an air of romanticizing and ignoring the giant elephant in the room, you are still married, to a man you married due to pressure because your family felt your ex was emotionally abusive, what changed exactly? Cause there still seems to be manipulation on his end, others mentioned it as well, and you’re still pretty manipulative as well... no judgement, now we’re being blunt, you blocked the guy, come on, that’s not the fairy tale story you tell your grandchildren. It’s game playing, it’s immaturity, it’s power plays, I recognize it like the back of my hand. It doesn’t sound like either one of you changed.

 

Going back to him is a terrible, horrible, no good very bad idea.

[boltnrun]

That was an incredibly tragic story - thanks for sharing it! You have given me some great insights and perspectives through your experiences. Once again, it's folks like yourself who can share your life moments and share the extracted learning lesson from it that give back to the community of suffering dumpees like myself!

 

If you have any other words of wisdom or ways YOU dealt and coped with his heartbreaking experience, I'd love to hear about them!

 

Thanks again!!!

 

"Tragic" and "heartbreaking" are pretty strong words. I wouldn't use those words.

 

What works? Staying away from toxic people. Not romanticizing the story but clearly seeing it for what it is. I used poor judgment and paid the price. I am angry at myself for how low my self esteem was for thinking he was who I wanted. THAT is what's tragic...seeing toxicity and not thinking highly enough of myself to walk away instead of running full speed toward a garbage human who I should have avoided like the plague.

 

He's tried a few times when he and his "monkey branch" girlfriend fought. Nope, not for me. I found my missing self esteem. I don't need him or any man to make me feel good about myself. I can be "alone" and not feel like I'm less of a human.

[Carus]

Firstly, thanks for your kind words...I just know what it's like to be reeling a bit in the emotional turmoil and 'tough love' never worked for me. Might work for some, but not for me...You'll get enough of that in here but there are a few posters like me and BlueCastle who still relate to that confusion that comes in the early days*

 

Plus I did do Counselling and Psyche at Uni and then ran my own clinic for a while....until my own world imploded :@

So, I'm curious how monkey branching relationships pan out vs rebound ones as I've read there is a difference.

I'm not sure where you read that but my answer is they can pan out the same...or differently lol

 

There's no 'cookie cutter' advice when it comes to this stuff....A rebound might not work out....or it might....

 

This is why it is so important to start working towards acceptance and indifference as soon as you can...Takes some longer than others and I am also empathic to that....

 

People say "Oh just get on with it...Just get over it....Don't think this....Don't think that...etc"

 

Wouldn't it be great if it were just that easy..!? ENA wouldn't even exist if that were the case....

 

Here's a video for you..>>

 

So what have you got planned for today and the weekend....?

 

Carus*

[teeEFc]

Firstly, thanks for your kind words...I just know what it's like to be reeling a bit in the emotional turmoil and 'tough love' never worked for me. Might work for some, but not for me...You'll get enough of that in here but there are a few posters like me and BlueCastle who still relate to that confusion that comes in the early days*

 

Plus I did do Counselling and Psyche at Uni and then ran my own clinic for a while....until my own world imploded :@

 

I'm not sure where you read that but my answer is they can pan out the same...or differently lol

 

There's no 'cookie cutter' advice when it comes to this stuff....A rebound might not work out....or it might....

 

This is why it is so important to start working towards acceptance and indifference as soon as you can...Takes some longer than others and I am also empathic to that....

 

People say "Oh just get on with it...Just get over it....Don't think this....Don't think that...etc"

 

Wouldn't it be great if it were just that easy..!? ENA wouldn't even exist if that were the case....

 

Here's a video for you..>>

 

So what have you got planned for today and the weekend....?

 

Carus*

 

Carus!

I will get back to you later about what you've written here. I just wanted to say thanks for passing along that video! I have been listening to a few of his videos now and they're great.

Do you have any other suggestions? I'm passing these videos along to a friend of mine whose wife decided to leave him after 33 years together!

[Carus]

Do you have any other suggestions? I'm passing these videos along to a friend of mine whose wife decided to leave him after 33 years together!

Oh dear, that’s rough :-/

 

Firstly, and this might be a redundant question and I don’t want to detract too much from your story here, but how is he coping?

 

Also, do you know what his religious/ spiritual beliefs are?

 

C*

[LaHermes]

What Pippy said:

 

 

"All these guru's are full of sh1t .......no contact is not a tool to get someone back ...basically every now and again there will someone who ends a relationship who isn't sure if they did the right thing ...when the dumped then just get on with their life and make no contact , it gives the dumpee time and space to think about their actions and if they did the right thing ..but this is one in a million tee honestly ."

 

It is cruel, inconsiderate and ultimately dishonest to give someone false hopes and nebulous illusions. People in pain will grab at any straw. Giving false hope only clouds the unfortunate sufferer's mind further.

 

Certainly no one says "Oh just move on". That type of advice must be tempered with empathy and kindness, but ultimately a new life is what it is about.

[Carus]

Certainly no one says "Oh just move on".

Mmm....I certainly got that....

 

Other gems I got were "Just snap out of it"..."Just forget about her"....etc etc....I know people mean well but it just doesn't work like that, unless you're an emotionless, programmable robot....

 

I agree that moving on is what is needed, and will eventually happen anyway....But patience is also an important ingredient....

 

If we could wake up the next day and go "Right I'm not going to think about them anymore or ask any more of those 'Why" questions".....I'm sure we all would*

 

:) xo

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you are trolling because it makes no sense why you are doing stuff like this? The husband you're not divorced from, "abusive ex" you hope to get back, and now another male friend you're consoling? Are several people using this account/username?

I'm passing these videos along to a friend of mine whose wife decided to leave him after 33 years together!

[LaHermes]

Carus. I know you mean in real life there would have been people who would say that kind of stuff. Most unhelpful. I was referring to here and I think I can say I've never seen the words "snap out of it" uttered here.

 

Of course no one can wake up the next day and throw a non-thinking switch. Even where there is no "why" naturally enough the sufferer will ask why.

 

Maybe what I am driving at is that there is no "hurting elite". My pain is far worse than yours because of x, y and z. Everyone hurts from a break-up.

 

IMO it is important to gain insight, and I honestly believe this helps with the pain, into the whys and wherefores of the relationship. Find out what attracted or drove someone into a relationship which could be seen to be going nowhere. Just as an example.

That is what I see being discussed here.

[figureitout23]

Mmm....I certainly got that....

 

Other gems I got were "Just snap out of it"..."Just forget about her"....etc etc....I know people mean well but it just doesn't work like that, unless you're an emotionless, programmable robot....

 

I agree that moving on is what is needed, and will eventually happen anyway....But patience is also an important ingredient....

 

If we could wake up the next day and go "Right I'm not going to think about them anymore or ask any more of those 'Why" questions".....I'm sure we all would*

 

:) xo

 

I hear you.

 

But as taboo as it sometimes seems to say, the opposite can be just as harmful.

 

Stating ‘just get over it’ doesn’t help, neither does going down the rabbit hole of hope, nor does pretending it’s perfectly normal to still be hung up years later.

 

No one is immune to heart break, absolutely no one

 

Where we all differ is how we react to it.

 

An inability to cope and move forward shouldn’t be ignored, a drive to latch onto toxicity or codependency shouldn’t be patted on the head.

 

That’s just as if not more, in my humble opinion, harmful than telling someone ‘get over it’

 

But the saying goes misery loves company. Not saying you or anyone want others to be miserable, what I’m saying is if I myself can not cope properly, well it may make me feel better to see others not coping either.

 

And it does help, but not in the long run, in the long run again it does more harm than good. You create a cocoon telling yourself everything’s ok when it’s not, I often rant about another site where it’s a circle jerk of people all coddling each other all calling their exes narcissists. You think they’re healing? Of course not, they’ve fully taken on their pain and tattooed their baggage on their bodies, they’re lost causes, it’s down right sad to see.

 

Remaining stuck in grief is a detriment, it’s not politically correct to say because it’s considered cold, I get that, but I stand by it.

[LaHermes]

Indeed.

 

The aftermath of a break-up has been described as a "bereavement not related to death". One must grieve, although I often see that the grieving person is grieving for him/herself and/or for the time wasted, and/or for the perceived "unfinished business." That elusive explanation they are never going to get.

 

The difficulty arises when severe ordinary grief (so understandable) becomes chronic or complicated grief, which is a debilitating mental condition that worsens over time rather than gets better. An awful twilight zone, out of which the sufferer needs help to escape.

 

There is a history of an emotionally dependent relationship on the "other". Complicated grievers remember the past and imagine the future through a distressed yearning for the "other". No matter that the relationship was at best dysfunctional, at worst abusive.

 

The hurt is dreadful when has (dysfunctionally) invested great time and effort in someone who is a chronic "taker".

[teeEFc]

Oh dear, that’s rough :-/

 

Firstly, and this might be a redundant question and I don’t want to detract too much from your story here, but how is he coping?

 

Also, do you know what his religious/ spiritual beliefs are?

 

C*

 

Hey Carus!

 

Yes, it is awful. When I asked my colleague how he was doing in an elevator, he broke down and cried and told me on our ride up. I was in shock. He started to cry as he left the elevator. I was devastated for him!

 

He's coping with heavy antidepressants, drinking, speaking with friends and family and going to a therapist. He said he's had a very calm life for the most part, so this rocked his entire world.

 

I told him he can come and visit my office when he's feeling overwhelmed with emotion - I am the living example of being strong for everyone else but myself. I'm known as a pitbull at work and someone who will stand up for those who have no voice.

I don't know what his spiritual affiliation is. I could ask him.

 

Thanks for your genuine concern. You are an asset to this site!

[teeEFc]

Indeed.

 

The aftermath of a break-up has been described as a "bereavement not related to death". One must grieve, although I often see that the grieving person is grieving for him/herself and/or for the time wasted, and/or for the perceived "unfinished business." That elusive explanation they are never going to get.

 

The difficulty arises when severe ordinary grief (so understandable) becomes chronic or complicated grief, which is a debilitating mental condition that worsens over time rather than gets better. An awful twilight zone, out of which the sufferer needs help to escape.

 

There is a history of an emotionally dependent relationship on the "other". Complicated grievers remember the past and imagine the future through a distressed yearning for the "other". No matter that the relationship was at best dysfunctional, at worst abusive.

 

The hurt is dreadful when has (dysfunctionally) invested great time and effort in someone who is a chronic "taker".

 

Wow! What a great post!

I had to re-read it to let your words sink in. I appreciate hearing these types of thoughts from someone who has a stable mind - like yourself.

 

Do you have any books/authors/podcasts you recommend people like myself read through?

 

Thanks again for your wonderful and extremely helpful posts. Little nuggets of wisdom like yours is why this site is fantastic!

[teeEFc]

What Pippy said:

 

 

"All these guru's are full of sh1t .......no contact is not a tool to get someone back ...basically every now and again there will someone who ends a relationship who isn't sure if they did the right thing ...when the dumped then just get on with their life and make no contact , it gives the dumpee time and space to think about their actions and if they did the right thing ..but this is one in a million tee honestly ."

 

It is cruel, inconsiderate and ultimately dishonest to give someone false hopes and nebulous illusions. People in pain will grab at any straw. Giving false hope only clouds the unfortunate sufferer's mind further.

 

Certainly no one says "Oh just move on". That type of advice must be tempered with empathy and kindness, but ultimately a new life is what it is about.

 

Yah, thanks to the responses in this thread, I realize that I just have to let go of the hope that I'll ever speak to this human being again. I am just going to focus on becoming such an incredible person that one day, if this person hears about me, it'll be through a news medium or something for my accomplishments But, I know, it's really for my own happiness too

[teeEFc]

Mmm....I certainly got that....

 

Other gems I got were "Just snap out of it"..."Just forget about her"....etc etc....I know people mean well but it just doesn't work like that, unless you're an emotionless, programmable robot....

 

I agree that moving on is what is needed, and will eventually happen anyway....But patience is also an important ingredient....

 

If we could wake up the next day and go "Right I'm not going to think about them anymore or ask any more of those 'Why" questions".....I'm sure we all would*

 

:) xo

 

Carus, that's exactly it!

That video you linked in one of your posts says exactly this point! I often got the 'just snap out of it' - but there's so much going on with regards to why I can't snap out of it immediately that doesn't even have anything to do with my relationship with my ex.

 

You know, there has been one thing that has helped to counter my thoughts about idealizing my partner - my therapist explained how a loving, healthy and stable person would address a problem in a relationship. Rather than trying to control and berate the other person, he role played the loving partner.

I laughed at first and asked him - surely no one talks like this. His response was - no, there are loads of ppl who know how to talk in a loving, tempered and non-controlling manner.

 

When I thought about this fact - it helped me see my ex in a less than favourable light as he had a hard time saying 'I'm sorry' or 'I was wrong'. In fact, he refused to say 'I love you' for 2 years but insisted that I keep saying it to him. Those things make me pause and realize, no, there is another way to be spoken to that shows love and care.

 

Thanks Carus for adding heart and soul to this thread, along with everyone else. Your sensitivity definitely comes through in your communication. It's actually pretty cool to detect it.

[teeEFc]

Hopefully you are trolling because it makes no sense why you are doing stuff like this? The husband you're not divorced from, "abusive ex" you hope to get back, and now another male friend you're consoling? Are several people using this account/username?

 

No, definitely not trolling Wiseman. This is all real stuff. Just a rough life with a less than stellar mindset. It's folks like you that people like me that help people like me find their backbone again. Especially with so many relationship gurus out there giving advice like monkey branching issues. We need folks like you to keep things real - even if it hurts.

 

Thanks for all that you do, Wiseman.

[teeEFc]

"Tragic" and "heartbreaking" are pretty strong words. I wouldn't use those words.

 

What works? Staying away from toxic people. Not romanticizing the story but clearly seeing it for what it is. I used poor judgment and paid the price. I am angry at myself for how low my self esteem was for thinking he was who I wanted. THAT is what's tragic...seeing toxicity and not thinking highly enough of myself to walk away instead of running full speed toward a garbage human who I should have avoided like the plague.

 

He's tried a few times when he and his "monkey branch" girlfriend fought. Nope, not for me. I found my missing self esteem. I don't need him or any man to make me feel good about myself. I can be "alone" and not feel like I'm less of a human.

 

Ah yes, sorry for attaching those words to your situation. I should be more careful to temper my observations based on trigger words. Thanks for giving me your honest perspective on how you healed. I'm thinking about your words right now as I try not to continue to put my ex on a pedestal.

I'm feeling okay being alone at this point. I'm happy just doing my thing and progressing in my own way :)

[teeEFc]

I hear you.

 

But as taboo as it sometimes seems to say, the opposite can be just as harmful.

 

Stating ‘just get over it’ doesn’t help, neither does going down the rabbit hole of hope, nor does pretending it’s perfectly normal to still be hung up years later.

 

No one is immune to heart break, absolutely no one

 

Where we all differ is how we react to it.

 

An inability to cope and move forward shouldn’t be ignored, a drive to latch onto toxicity or codependency shouldn’t be patted on the head.

 

That’s just as if not more, in my humble opinion, harmful than telling someone ‘get over it’

 

But the saying goes misery loves company. Not saying you or anyone want others to be miserable, what I’m saying is if I myself can not cope properly, well it may make me feel better to see others not coping either.

 

And it does help, but not in the long run, in the long run again it does more harm than good. You create a cocoon telling yourself everything’s ok when it’s not, I often rant about another site where it’s a circle jerk of people all coddling each other all calling their exes narcissists. You think they’re healing? Of course not, they’ve fully taken on their pain and tattooed their baggage on their bodies, they’re lost causes, it’s down right sad to see.

 

Remaining stuck in grief is a detriment, it’s not politically correct to say because it’s considered cold, I get that, but I stand by it.

 

Figureitout: I see what you're saying. I think because some of us are rather fragile right now - the softness can be helpful - but still with the right messaging to go along with it (like what you're saying).

 

I have been very cautious about labeling my ex anything problematic. He's got a lot of qualities that are indicative of a narcissist and a sociopath - but then again, I can't be sure about placing a label on his behaviour.

 

How have you dealt with breakups as a dumpee? Where did you get the strength to move on? You sound like a strong person - I enjoy learning from others.

[bluecastle]

So I've been hanging on the periphery of this thread. Lots of good stuff being said, from different angles. Here's another—starting with some generalities, to get to you, your head and heart:

 

I'd say we're living in a time, thanks in large part to social media and the internet, regardless of how one personally uses these things, where the critical adult skill of "letting go" is being replaced by the more childish instinct to "hold on." We have, in our human brains, an enormous amount of emotional data; we "hold on" to more than we used to, and get validated for doing so. There are pluses to this, like how I've been watching my far-flung childhood friend and his wife through pregnancy—all while my girlfriend makes some coffee! There are real negatives, like when heartbreak strikes.

 

Instead of 4 photos in a drawer you've got 4,000 on your phone, and videos. You've got a portal into that person's life via Facebook etc.—and, thanks to Google, a portal into some snake oil salesman who have an airtight plan to sell you about how to "get them back." You've got wonderful portals like this site, but it can be used for much the same purpose. And so the end result is that the most universal of human feelings that date back to cave dwellers—wanting to get back with someone when we are hurt, lonely, scared, our egos hit with a sniper—is injected with enough drugs to stay high on for a very, very long time.

 

Oof.

 

What to do about it, in the shoes you presently seem to be wearing? Since there is no fairy dust I can sprinkle to say "stop feeling this," what I'll say is that you should remind yourself of another universal fact: people high on drugs make for awful partners. Because they are like children: clingy, reactive, frightened. That's you, right now. That's okay because that's life. Still, that's you, as it's been me and everyone else. Which means that the longer you "hold on" to the get-back-together pipe and keep hitting it, and the longer you "hold on" to the guru's wisdom and so on—well, the further you position yourself from the thing you think you want.

 

That's the irony: You freeze yourself in a state of emotional intoxication that makes you undateable, so whether the next thing to come around is the person you want back or someone else—doesn't matter. You lost before you could win.

 

I say see all of that before it sees you. I say try to see this present moment in a bigger way. It's life telling you that the lesson of "letting go" has arrived. It is hard. It hurts. It means learning to sit in a void for a moment, rather than "monkey branching," either with an actual man or fantasies of a man-monkey-boomerang swooping back your way after a few years of sampling other bananas. It's like a child sitting in the dark: it's petrifying, it's scary, it's awful, but then...it's just dark. Not that bad. Even kind of cool. That child just grew up, a bit, got stronger, more aware of herself and the world. "Letting go" is the adult version, one of many. Like paying taxes.

 

Used to be a bit easier. If this was 1985 you wouldn't have this window on your computer, the guru one next to it, the iPhoto montage of relationships past in another, the post from his friend's close friend of a duck in sunglasses on IG that might mean something. Yeah, you could still do some stupid stuff to dodge the void, but it was so obviously stupid most people didn't do it for that long. They grew out of it because the nameless guy at the hair metal show was gross, and the landlord kicked them out for those holes punched in the wall. Then they sat with some silence and hurt. And grew stronger for it. And loved bigger, in the future, for getting stronger. They didn't even need the woo-woo language to learn that the only way to get whatever is coming for you is to let go of what came before.

 

Lots of words, I know. Cash and spend them as you see fit.

[teeEFc]

So I've been hanging on the periphery of this thread. Lots of good stuff being said, from different angles. Here's another—starting with some generalities, to get to you, your head and heart:

 

I'd say we're living in a time, thanks in large part to social media and the internet, regardless of how one personally uses these things, where the critical adult skill of "letting go" is being replaced by the more childish instinct to "hold on." We have, in our human brains, an enormous amount of emotional data; we "hold on" to more than we used to, and get validated for doing so. There are pluses to this, like how I've been watching my far-flung childhood friend and his wife through pregnancy—all while my girlfriend makes some coffee! There are real negatives, like when heartbreak strikes.

 

Instead of 4 photos in a drawer you've got 4,000 on your phone, and videos. You've got a portal into that person's life via Facebook etc.—and, thanks to Google, a portal into some snake oil salesman who have an airtight plan to sell you about how to "get them back." You've got wonderful portals like this site, but it can be used for much the same purpose. And so the end result is that the most universal of human feelings that date back to cave dwellers—wanting to get back with someone when we are hurt, lonely, scared, our egos hit with a sniper—is injected with enough drugs to stay high on for a very, very long time.

 

Oof.

 

What to do about it, in the shoes you presently seem to be wearing? Since there is no fairy dust I can sprinkle to say "stop feeling this," what I'll say is that you should remind yourself of another universal fact: people high on drugs make for awful partners. Because they are like children: clingy, reactive, frightened. That's you, right now. That's okay because that's life. Still, that's you, as it's been me and everyone else. Which means that the longer you "hold on" to the get-back-together pipe and keep hitting it, and the longer you "hold on" to the guru's wisdom and so on—well, the further you position yourself from the thing you think you want.

 

That's the irony: You freeze yourself in a state of emotional intoxication that makes you undateable, so whether the next thing to come around is the person you want back or someone else—doesn't matter. You lost before you could win.

 

I say see all of that before it sees you. I say try to see this present moment in a bigger way. It's life telling you that the lesson of "letting go" has arrived. It is hard. It hurts. It means learning to sit in a void for a moment, rather than "monkey branching," either with an actual man or fantasies of a man-monkey-boomerang swooping back your way after a few years of sampling other bananas. It's like a child sitting in the dark: it's petrifying, it's scary, it's awful, but then...it's just dark. Not that bad. Even kind of cool. That child just grew up, a bit, got stronger, more aware of herself and the world. "Letting go" is the adult version, one of many. Like paying taxes.

 

Used to be a bit easier. If this was 1985 you wouldn't have this window on your computer, the guru one next to it, the iPhoto montage of relationships past in another, the post from his friend's close friend of a duck in sunglasses on IG that might mean something. Yeah, you could still do some stupid stuff to dodge the void, but it was so obviously stupid most people didn't do it for that long. They grew out of it because the nameless guy at the hair metal show was gross, and the landlord kicked them out for those holes punched in the wall. Then they sat with some silence and hurt. And grew stronger for it. And loved bigger, in the future, for getting stronger. They didn't even need the woo-woo language to learn that the only way to get whatever is coming for you is to let go of what came before.

 

Lots of words, I know. Cash and spend them as you see fit.

 

I will come back to give your answer the proper reflection it deserves.

 

As for right now as I sit in my bed trying to fall asleep (and stay asleep) due to this crazy and random insomnia that has taken hold of me for over a month now since the breakup - I will definitely cash in this advice. I'm going to try and spend it on my mental health and sanity. The more I read people's advice about ignoring the monkey branching hopeism and try to move on - the closer I am coming to this realization.

 

You folks are truly saviours for the heartbroken in some ways. I can't thank everyone enough for their fantastic suggestions, reflections and ideas.

[teeEFc]

They didn't even need the woo-woo language to learn that the only way to get whatever is coming for you is to let go of what came before.

 

Love this!

[figureitout23]

Figureitout: I see what you're saying. I think because some of us are rather fragile right now - the softness can be helpful - but still with the right messaging to go along with it (like what you're saying).

 

I have been very cautious about labeling my ex anything problematic. He's got a lot of qualities that are indicative of a narcissist and a sociopath - but then again, I can't be sure about placing a label on his behaviour.

 

How have you dealt with breakups as a dumpee? Where did you get the strength to move on? You sound like a strong person - I enjoy learning from others.

 

Therapy, time, and honestly... this site.

 

I’m far from strong, believe me, I stumble with the best of them. I’m just a realist who doesn’t like watching people hurt themselves.

[catfeeder]

I like how you asked me to put myself in the situation of acquiring someone back who lined up someone else.

 

Sure, playing out whatever you believe you want at any given time is a great way to work past the 'wanting' to learn what would happen if you ever got it.

 

In the case of an ex who has been disloyal, the whole fantasy of them returning is just ego food. If they really returned, what happens to the disloyalty they've already demo'd? It doesn't go away. It's a capacity they own that's been revealed, and the act of taking them back sends the message that they can get away with that--they'll just need to be a bit sneakier about it.

 

So who really wants a relationship with such a person? Nobody in their right mind. What we all really want is an unstained angelic vision of that person that we've projected onto them, which is not accurate and will never become true.

 

So the best way to move forward is to make a goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from mistreatment with a newfound recognition that you value yourself far more than that person could ever value you. This gains you an ability to screen out bad matches better in the future, and so you've gained a confidence in your judgment going forward that you never owned before.

 

We each get to decide whether our experiences will add something TO us, or whether we'll misuse them to damage ourselves. I always vote for finding the pearls--every time. This choice will set the tone for your future, and nobody else can make that choice for you.

 

Head high.