Maybe we should separate

[Rose Mosse]

I agree with the majority of the members who are cautioning you with this lady. The issue isn't whether she's talkative or not, vocal or not (personality trait). I also don't think it's about baggage or being damaged goods. Yes, we all have stories. It's about being dismissive towards you on topics that make and break a relationship. I feel like she is leading you on and if she has concerns about the future, her children, the house, her parents, she is either not comfortable discussing it with you (it's sensitive and personal and may have to do with personal finances) or she doesn't see a future with you. Given the amount of time you both spend together I think it's the former.

 

Are you in a financially stable place, have a stable career, your own home? I'm a bit uncomfortable with the way she seemed uneasy speaking in detail about the house and you pushing or needing more answers. I could be wrong in the way I interpreted that part. Just as she is absolutely entitled to withhold information from someone she doesn't feel comfortable around, you are also entitled to feeling like you're being neglected and you're not being taken seriously.

 

I think if you're both coming at this from different stages in your lives, I'm sensing a lot of hesitation and push back from her that may be very valid on her part. She may also be uncertain about you in general or some aspect of you or your life and is resisting the long term marriage model of a relationship that you're looking for. Her remaining mum about the whole thing isn't doing either of you favours. Neither of you should be neglecting any big questions regarding your relationship, no matter how offensive or rude it may sound and I think she may actually be afraid of offending you or losing that companionship and friendship that you provide. Be clear about what you need in a relationship and don't go back to her if you have chosen to end things. Choosing to end the relationship based on lack of fulfillment is not a shameful thing. Be honest with yourself.

[jul-els]

I agree with the majority of the members who are cautioning you with this lady. The issue isn't whether she's talkative or not, vocal or not (personality trait). I also don't think it's about baggage or being damaged goods. Yes, we all have stories. It's about being dismissive towards you on topics that make and break a relationship. I feel like she is leading you on and if she has concerns about the future, her children, the house, her parents, she is either not comfortable discussing it with you (it's sensitive and personal and may have to do with personal finances) or she doesn't see a future with you. Given the amount of time you both spend together I think it's the former.

 

Are you in a financially stable place, have a stable career, your own home? I'm a bit uncomfortable with the way she seemed uneasy speaking in detail about the house and you pushing or needing more answers. I could be wrong in the way I interpreted that part. Just as she is absolutely entitled to withhold information from someone she doesn't feel comfortable around, you are also entitled to feeling like you're being neglected and you're not being taken seriously.

 

I think if you're both coming at this from different stages in your lives, I'm sensing a lot of hesitation and push back from her that may be very valid on her part. She may also be uncertain about you in general or some aspect of you or your life and is resisting the long term marriage model of a relationship that you're looking for. Her remaining mum about the whole thing isn't doing either of you favours. Neither of you should be neglecting any big questions regarding your relationship, no matter how offensive or rude it may sound and I think she may actually be afraid of offending you or losing that companionship and friendship that you provide. Be clear about what you need in a relationship and don't go back to her if you have chosen to end things. Choosing to end the relationship based on lack of fulfillment is not a shameful thing. Be honest with yourself.

 

Thank you. Just to be clear, I've never asked her about her house or financial situation. I really couldn't care less about those things. I asked her if she wanted to live together and to grow old with me. She didn't have a lot to say about it, but she did say we couldn't live together because of her rental agreement.

 

My financial situation is relatively stable, but I don't have any great career. I have been at the same job for the past 18 years however, with reasonably good pay, excellent benefits, 401K, etc. It's a manual labor job, however, not something someone would classify as a career. I don't own a home. I live in southern California where real estate prices are extremely exorbitant, so I rent a room. I also have no kids and no debt of any kind whatsoever. And a credit score of 847 if that matters, lol. She is not a pillar of ambition either. But we are both hard workers who are valued by the companies we work for. She also has a manual labor job that she's been at for three years and she has no benefits at all. She collects alimony and has some money invested. I make plenty enough money to split the rent on a place with her, but that's definitely not going to work for her because of her personal situation. I'm fine with that, though. I would like to live with her, but she has to handle her own business as she sees fit. The only thing that bothers me about that is I don't know if she shares my desire to live together. She only told me she can't. She's never mentioned anything to me about whether or not it's something she wants.

 

At any rate, I don't believe love should have anything to do with money. I earn my money at my job and it's mine. Same goes for her as far as I'm concerned. That said, I am very generous with my money and treat her to many things. And she does the same for me. She can't do so as much as I do as she has more bills than I do, but she definitely does share.

 

As far as her feeling comfortable with me, she's done everything to make me feel like she is. She tells me she loves me all the time. How could she love me and not feel comfortable with me? That doesn't make any sense to me.

 

She's done everything else to make me believe that she's 100% into me. If she has a lot of hesitation and uncertainty, the way she has treated me has led me to believe the opposite. I think she's into me up to the point that it's comfortable and works for her. Beyond that, I don't think she has much consideration about it. That's the nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I could be wrong about this. But again, I can't find out because she won't talk. I think you can see my frustration. Lol.

[boltnrun]

If someone has to change to be right for you...they're wrong for you.

[jul-els]

If someone has to change to be right for you...they're wrong for you.

 

That's it in a nutshell. I have to take her as she is or not at all.

[Rose Mosse]

Thank you. Just to be clear, I've never asked her about her house or financial situation. I really couldn't care less about those things. I asked her if she wanted to live together and to grow old with me. She didn't have a lot to say about it, but she did say we couldn't live together because of her rental agreement.

 

My financial situation is relatively stable, but I don't have any great career. I have been at the same job for the past 18 years however, with reasonably good pay, excellent benefits, 401K, etc. It's a manual labor job, however, not something someone would classify as a career. I don't own a home. I live in southern California where real estate prices are extremely exorbitant, so I rent a room. I also have no kids and no debt of any kind whatsoever. And a credit score of 847 if that matters, lol. She is not a pillar of ambition either. But we are both hard workers who are valued by the companies we work for. She also has a manual labor job that she's been at for three years and she has no benefits at all. She collects alimony and has some money invested. I make plenty enough money to split the rent on a place with her, but that's definitely not going to work for her because of her personal situation. I'm fine with that, though. I would like to live with her, but she has to handle her own business as she sees fit. The only thing that bothers me about that is I don't know if she shares my desire to live together. She only told me she can't. She's never mentioned anything to me about whether or not it's something she wants.

 

At any rate, I don't believe love should have anything to do with money. I earn my money at my job and it's mine. Same goes for her as far as I'm concerned. That said, I am very generous with my money and treat her to many things. And she does the same for me. She can't do so as much as I do as she has more bills than I do, but she definitely does share.

 

As far as her feeling comfortable with me, she's done everything to make me feel like she is. She tells me she loves me all the time. How could she love me and not feel comfortable with me? That doesn't make any sense to me.

 

She's done everything else to make me believe that she's 100% into me. If she has a lot of hesitation and uncertainty, the way she has treated me has led me to believe the opposite. I think she's into me up to the point that it's comfortable and works for her. Beyond that, I don't think she has much consideration about it. That's the nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I could be wrong about this. But again, I can't find out because she won't talk. I think you can see my frustration. Lol.

 

Yes, I understand. If this is the case (with the living situation), she's been as honest as she can possibly be without it becoming a point of argument with you. It really doesn't sound like she's too eager to make any big changes in her life or commit to anything with you. I'd back off from this idea for awhile if you can manage it and see whether this relationship is healthy for you. I'm wondering if you're coming on a bit strong since your frustrations are getting worse over time. Take your time to think it over. If you do feel it's not fulfilling enough, you'll eventually know when enough is enough. There is nothing worse than feeling neglected or as if your partner is uncaring of your thoughts.

 

It is possible, by the way, to love someone and not feel comfortable around that person. I loved someone once but ended up going our separate ways due to other reasons. Love is more or less an involuntary emotion, an attachment and bond. Discomfort is another feeling that often comes about from uncomfortable facts or events that have occurred, a part of our rational mind that is difficult to ignore. We all have to do what's best for ourselves eventually. You're not alone there.

[jul-els]

Yes, I understand. If this is the case (with the living situation), she's been as honest as she can possibly be without it becoming a point of argument with you. It really doesn't sound like she's too eager to make any big changes in her life or commit to anything with you. I'd back off from this idea for awhile if you can manage it and see whether this relationship is healthy for you. I'm wondering if you're coming on a bit strong since your frustrations are getting worse over time. Take your time to think it over. If you do feel it's not fulfilling enough, you'll eventually know when enough is enough. There is nothing worse than feeling neglected or as if your partner is uncaring of your thoughts.

 

It is possible, by the way, to love someone and not feel comfortable around that person. I loved someone once but ended up going our separate ways due to other reasons. Love is more or less an involuntary emotion, an attachment and bond. Discomfort is another feeling that often comes about from uncomfortable facts or events that have occurred, a part of our rational mind that is difficult to ignore. We all have to do what's best for ourselves eventually. You're not alone there.

 

Then perhaps I’m not the only one in this relationship who’s failing to take the other person as they are. As far as pushing her, I haven’t in any way. I asked her about living together once about three months ago and she gave me no answer. I tried once more a few weeks later and that’s when she told me about her rental agreement. At that point I dropped it and haven’t brought it up again.

[Cherylyn]

These are wise words, thank you. Why do you say forget growing old together it won't happen? Basic compatibility or this baggage that you speak of? I mean, everybody's got baggage. I have very little because I've managed to get through my life with no kids and no divorces, by my own design. But I know that's rare. At my age, pretty much everyone I meet is going to have some baggage.

 

You're welcome, jul-els. I meant forget growing old together if she lacks enthusiasm for you and the relationship itself. Baggage meaning she's a package deal as in kids and dealing with her ex which puts you lower on her priority list.

 

Compatibility issues are huge. You want more than she's willing to give which is problematic. You need to ask yourself how much longer are you willing to hang on? Don't have unrealistic expectations otherwise you'll continue to become sorely disappointed.

 

She has baggage meaning her mind isn't clear and you will never be exclusive in her mind because you must share her brain space with her sons who have top priority. You have to take a backseat or number.

 

Look at the facts. You know how she behaves. See how you two are together. If this continues as is, your patience will run out one of these days. In the meantime, you must be patient because it is what it is. If you can't tolerate these behaviors and conditions any longer, then you need to ask yourself if it's time to part ways or if this relationship is fixable.

[bluecastle]

Good stuff from Cherylyn and Rose, this line especially: "You want more than she's willing to give which is problematic." I get that you haven't been pushy on the moving-in front—or really pushy in general—but sometimes those wants are like invisible pushes, or get processed as pushes. Sometimes, frustrating as it is, someone who is actively trying not to be pushy can come across as pushy, since there's this quiet energy of "holding back," of wanting something that the other can't provide. Lovely as the notion of growing old together is—and, from one angle, a very chill proposition—I get the sense that she is in triage mode right now, struggling to think about more than just each day, so even someone (you) expressing a desire to grow old together might strike her like an avalanche, something she does not have it in her brain to compute right now.

 

That's just the stuff you can't really change: the page you're on, the page another is on, and where those pages differ. When I was in my 20s, for instance, I was a very frustrating boyfriend to two girlfriends because any time they'd ask about taking a trip together—even just a weekend getaway—I would combust, get irritable, shut down. I was so focused on work that I had this idea that if I left the city for three days I'd "lose my place in line." Silly, looking back, but that's where I was, who I was. Today I'm a guy who will basically go anywhere anytime—the guy they wanted me to be back then—though I have the means to back up that fleet-footed attitude because I worked like a banshee in my 20s to create a sustainable, schedule-free life.

 

What I don't agree with, on a general level, is the idea that dating someone with kids means you have to take a "backseat." More like a different kind of seat. It works beautifully for some, doesn't work for others, and so many factors are involved that I don't think generalities about "dating someone with children" do much good. Like anything, it either works, or it doesn't. You, right now, are facing the hard question of whether this dynamic, with this person, can genuinely work for you.

 

I live in SoCal too. Next time you're stuck in traffic and motorcycle zips past you, give a wave. It might be me.

[jul-els]

Good stuff from Cherylyn and Rose, this line especially: "You want more than she's willing to give which is problematic." I get that you haven't been pushy on the moving-in front—or really pushy in general—but sometimes those wants are like invisible pushes, or get processed as pushes. Sometimes, frustrating as it is, someone who is actively trying not to be pushy can come across as pushy, since there's this quiet energy of "holding back," of wanting something that the other can't provide. Lovely as the notion of growing old together is—and, from one angle, a very chill proposition—I get the sense that she is in triage mode right now, struggling to think about more than just each day, so even someone (you) expressing a desire to grow old together might strike her like an avalanche, something she does not have it in her brain to compute right now.

 

That's just the stuff you can't really change: the page you're on, the page another is on, and where those pages differ. When I was in my 20s, for instance, I was a very frustrating boyfriend to two girlfriends because any time they'd ask about taking a trip together—even just a weekend getaway—I would combust, get irritable, shut down. I was so focused on work that I had this idea that if I left the city for three days I'd "lose my place in line." Silly, looking back, but that's where I was, who I was. Today I'm a guy who will basically go anywhere anytime—the guy they wanted me to be back then—though I have the means to back up that fleet-footed attitude because I worked like a banshee in my 20s to create a sustainable, schedule-free life.

 

What I don't agree with, on a general level, is the idea that dating someone with kids means you have to take a "backseat." More like a different kind of seat. It works beautifully for some, doesn't work for others, and so many factors are involved that I don't think generalities about "dating someone with children" do much good. Like anything, it either works, or it doesn't. You, right now, are facing the hard question of whether this dynamic, with this person, can genuinely work for you.

 

I live in SoCal too. Next time you're stuck in traffic and motorcycle zips past you, give a wave. It might be me.

 

Nice. I rode for five years. Hung it up a couple years ago, though. What do you ride? Last bike I had was a 2000 Road King. It was a garage queen. Got it with 3000 miles on it. Gorgeous bike. Anyway I completely agree with you about the kids. That in and of itself shouldn’t matter. We are on the same page or we’re not. Some communication between her and I would help in this area, but I know I’m not going to get it. If she is in triage mode and her brain can’t compute as you say, why would she welcome me into a serious relationship? That makes no sense to me. I discussed this with my sister, and she says that’s why she doesn’t have any female friends. Because they’re evil and they lie and manipulate to get what they want. Maybe some do, but I really don’t want to believe that my girlfriend is that type of person. Maybe I’m never going to find out.

[tattoobunnie]

Attraction happens with the eyes. Love happens between the ears. You two sound incompatible.

[bluecastle]

Current bikes: 2008 Yamaha WR250x, my daily hooligan on/off-road troublemaker and spirit-enhancer, and a 1972 Honda CB750, for when I just need to be "that guy" with a stupidly hip toy. There's a little Vespa in a garage in another city, and dreams of certain Ducati that I suspect I'll make come true sooner than later, but I digress...

 

I'm sure your sister is lovely, but I'd let that stuff go in one ear and out the other, since sweeping, negative assumptions about genders don't do anyone any favors, unless bitterness is your preferred wake-up fuel. I don't think a "serious relationship" is one thing, but something we define in our heads and with someone else. In other words, she may be giving you everything she has to give for a serious relationship, by her definition at this juncture in her life, without it matching yours, at this juncture in your life. That's compatibility, you know? I was serious about those women I wouldn't go on trips with. They saw my unwillingness to go on trips as a sign of me not being serious. We were all "right," just not right for each other.

[jul-els]

Attraction happens with the eyes. Love happens between the ears. You two sound incompatible.

 

It looks like that may very well be the case. If we could just talk about it, I would like that. I'm 99% sure any attempts by me to do so however will be met with silence.

[jul-els]

Current bikes: 2008 Yamaha WR250x, my daily hooligan on/off-road troublemaker and spirit-enhancer, and a 1972 Honda CB750, for when I just need to be "that guy" with a stupidly hip toy. There's a little Vespa in a garage in another city, and dreams of certain Ducati that I suspect I'll make come true sooner than later, but I digress...

 

I'm sure your sister is lovely, but I'd let that stuff go in one ear and out the other, since sweeping, negative assumptions about genders don't do anyone any favors, unless bitterness is your preferred wake-up fuel. I don't think a "serious relationship" is one thing, but something we define in our heads and with someone else. In other words, she may be giving you everything she has to give for a serious relationship, by her definition at this juncture in her life, without it matching yours, at this juncture in your life. That's compatibility, you know? I was serious about those women I wouldn't go on trips with. They saw my unwillingness to go on trips as a sign of me not being serious. We were all "right," just not right for each other.

 

Yeah, I know there are genuine feelings there for both her and I. The silence just is becoming too much for me to bear, though. It feels like a slow death. That's not a desirable position to be in, unfortunately.

[bluecastle]

Yeah, I know there are genuine feelings there for both her and I. The silence just is becoming too much for me to bear, though. It feels like a slow death. That's not a desirable position to be in, unfortunately.

 

Nope. No fun to ride on flat tires, no matter how striking the scenery.

[Cherylyn]

Good stuff from Cherylyn and Rose, this line especially: "You want more than she's willing to give which is problematic." I get that you haven't been pushy on the moving-in front—or really pushy in general—but sometimes those wants are like invisible pushes, or get processed as pushes. Sometimes, frustrating as it is, someone who is actively trying not to be pushy can come across as pushy, since there's this quiet energy of "holding back," of wanting something that the other can't provide. Lovely as the notion of growing old together is—and, from one angle, a very chill proposition—I get the sense that she is in triage mode right now, struggling to think about more than just each day, so even someone (you) expressing a desire to grow old together might strike her like an avalanche, something she does not have it in her brain to compute right now.

 

That's just the stuff you can't really change: the page you're on, the page another is on, and where those pages differ. When I was in my 20s, for instance, I was a very frustrating boyfriend to two girlfriends because any time they'd ask about taking a trip together—even just a weekend getaway—I would combust, get irritable, shut down. I was so focused on work that I had this idea that if I left the city for three days I'd "lose my place in line." Silly, looking back, but that's where I was, who I was. Today I'm a guy who will basically go anywhere anytime—the guy they wanted me to be back then—though I have the means to back up that fleet-footed attitude because I worked like a banshee in my 20s to create a sustainable, schedule-free life.

 

What I don't agree with, on a general level, is the idea that dating someone with kids means you have to take a "backseat." More like a different kind of seat. It works beautifully for some, doesn't work for others, and so many factors are involved that I don't think generalities about "dating someone with children" do much good. Like anything, it either works, or it doesn't. You, right now, are facing the hard question of whether this dynamic, with this person, can genuinely work for you.

 

I live in SoCal too. Next time you're stuck in traffic and motorcycle zips past you, give a wave. It might be me.

 

Good stuff, too bluecastle.

 

When I referred taking a backseat or taking a number (as if you're at the deli / butcher counter), I meant that since children will always take top priority in a parent's life, you have to be prepared to realizing you'll never be top priority in the parent's life. There are several young people ahead of you who need you for their survival. Then after they grow up, even though they're not as time consuming as before, there's a huge chunk of heart space they'll forever have in a parent's lifetime. In other words, you will always SHARE your girlfriend with her children. Just be prepared and you'll be ok.

 

Dating or having relationships with people who have children is definitely challenging. I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just saying it's easier and less complicated to have relationships with people without children. However, if your dating pool is limited where beggars can't be choosers, then you just have to be prepared for reality due to various stages in a parent's life.

 

Keep in mind, money. Children require money for their daily survival needs and later for their formal educations. This means there's less money to go around for you and your relationship unless you don't mind doing everything on the cheap because young people take precedence over you. Just get a reality check and you'll be ok with children in the picture.

[jul-els]

Good stuff, too bluecastle.

 

When I referred taking a backseat or taking a number (as if you're at the deli / butcher counter), I meant that since children will always take top priority in a parent's life, you have to be prepared to realizing you'll never be top priority in the parent's life. There are several young people ahead of you who need you for their survival. Then after they grow up, even though they're not as time consuming as before, there's a huge chunk of heart space they'll forever have in a parent's lifetime. In other words, you will always SHARE your girlfriend with her children. Just be prepared and you'll be ok.

 

Dating or having relationships with people who have children is definitely challenging. I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just saying it's easier and less complicated to have relationships with people without children. However, if your dating pool is limited where beggars can't be choosers, then you just have to be prepared for reality due to various stages in a parent's life.

 

Keep in mind, money. Children require money for their daily survival needs and later for their formal educations. This means there's less money to go around for you and your relationship unless you don't mind doing everything on the cheap because young people take precedence over you. Just get a reality check and you'll be ok with children in the picture.

 

Oh, her and I have plenty of fun together, that's not an issue in the slightest. She loves to go out and have a good time. That's one of the things that I love about her. We go out and do more things than even many single people do, I'd venture to guess. And who's paying has never been an issue. She buys some things and I buy some. There was a money issue in the beginning when we would go out and after a few months she had still never offered to pay for anything would rarely even say thank you. When she invited me for a weekend of activities one time, to which I accepted, she became upset with me when I asked to split the check. Uh uh.

 

She invited me and I didn't expect her to pay, but I did expect her to split the cost. She just assumed I would pay for the whole weekend, no questions asked, when it was her idea in the first place. I had to nip that expectation in the bud. I told her the problem I had with it in very clear and exact terms. I then told her when we go out to eat, she needs to split the bill with me, as I can't be paying for everything all the time as much as I'd like to because I am not rich. She agreed to that and that has been our arrangement ever since.

 

As far as going out and doing other things, if she sees something she wants to go out and do, she'll buy the tickets. And I do the same if I see something I want to go out and do. We've never had a problem with that. We both share a great love of music, which is a big bond between us and we go to many concerts together. I mean like, a lot, lol.

[SixOfOne]

I’m sorry you’re faced with what’s ultimately going to be a very rough road for you. I know this because I was in a very similar ‘situationship’ until recently.

 

We were together for two and a half years. We had so many things in common and loved spending time together. We had fun, we laughed a lot, we enjoyed one another’s company immensely. She introduced me to her family and her friends, and they all loved me and welcomed me and I felt like one of them. Our sex life was beyond anything I could have ever expected or hoped for, and she felt the same. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with, and it excited me just to see her walk into a room. I was so much in love, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. But…

 

The depth of our connection and communication and intimacy ended at the bedroom door. Outside of that we were really good friends that had adventures together, period. I often tried to share my hopes and dreams for our future together and I was met with one and two word answers and a change of subject. We had no future plans, shared no common goal. We just drifted on a sea of oxytocin without a rudder. Eventually our dilemma became clear to me: I wanted more from her than she was willing and/or able to give, and she wanted less from me that I needed to give. I tried to express this to her once and she told me she thought I’d be happier with someone else. And you know what? She was right. I will be.

 

Tough to walk away from all that was so good, but when you have two people that have such strongly opposing wants and needs, that’s called ‘incompatibility’. There’s no cure for that. As has been pointed out already, if you want a person to be different, you want a different person. The end. So we broke up about three months ago and the days are slowly getting better.

 

Please don’t invest too much more of your life in someone who isn’t right for you, for both of your sakes. You’re just delaying the inevitable. Trust me. I wish you all the best.

[catfeeder]

she doesn't talk to me much at all. Most of the time when I try to have a conversation with her about anything the only response I get is dead silence. We spend a lot of time saying nothing to each other because she just won't talk.

 

Speaking only for myself, this would be enough for me to walk away. The most important thing for me about a relationship is simpatico. Anything less equals 'acquaintance'.

[Rose Mosse]

Oh, her and I have plenty of fun together, that's not an issue in the slightest. She loves to go out and have a good time. That's one of the things that I love about her. We go out and do more things than even many single people do, I'd venture to guess. And who's paying has never been an issue. She buys some things and I buy some. There was a money issue in the beginning when we would go out and after a few months she had still never offered to pay for anything would rarely even say thank you. When she invited me for a weekend of activities one time, to which I accepted, she became upset with me when I asked to split the check. Uh uh.

 

She invited me and I didn't expect her to pay, but I did expect her to split the cost. She just assumed I would pay for the whole weekend, no questions asked, when it was her idea in the first place. I had to nip that expectation in the bud. I told her the problem I had with it in very clear and exact terms. I then told her when we go out to eat, she needs to split the bill with me, as I can't be paying for everything all the time as much as I'd like to because I am not rich. She agreed to that and that has been our arrangement ever since.

 

As far as going out and doing other things, if she sees something she wants to go out and do, she'll buy the tickets. And I do the same if I see something I want to go out and do. We've never had a problem with that. We both share a great love of music, which is a big bond between us and we go to many concerts together. I mean like, a lot, lol.

 

Good for you for being vocal about this but it seems very awkward. While you may have considered it an accomplishment, it may have been very embarrassing for her (an awakening she might have needed but she probably didn't want it to come from you and because it did... well, you're just that guy). Very unfortunate. Perhaps, it's even more unfortunate that a grown woman had to learn this the hard way about chipping in or some awareness about money and cost of going out/events. It seems a bit bizarre to me that she might have been so oblivious or handicapped to the idea of paying for things now and then which makes me infer a lot on what her previous life might have been like and both of you are not spring chickens. You've both lived lifetimes before meeting one another.

 

Reading through your other responses, Jul-els, I don't like saying this but I don't think she's interested in a future with you at all (the type of living together relationship that you may be dreaming of eventually). You're a companion... and nothing more. I'm sorry about that. I do feel she is interested in you as a person and enjoys your company but you're probably not the man she's looking for and she may not be the kind of woman you're dreaming of to one day live and combine your lives together with. You seem very down to earth and trusting, a little naive. I think the relationship has to run its course and she has to be the one to tell you it's not going anywhere (in the direction you want, that is) because you're not the type of man to see it for yourself. Take it easy and keep things realistic. Continue being the loving and trusting person that you are but find courage and don't be afraid of change either.

[jul-els]

Good for you for being vocal about this but it seems very awkward. While you may have considered it an accomplishment, it may have been very embarrassing for her (an awakening she might have needed but she probably didn't want it to come from you and because it did... well, you're just that guy). Very unfortunate. Perhaps, it's even more unfortunate that a grown woman had to learn this the hard way about chipping in or some awareness about money and cost of going out/events. It seems a bit bizarre to me that she might have been so oblivious or handicapped to the idea of paying for things now and then which makes me infer a lot on what her previous life might have been like and both of you are not spring chickens. You've both lived lifetimes before meeting one another.

 

Reading through your other responses, Jul-els, I don't like saying this but I don't think she's interested in a future with you at all (the type of living together relationship that you may be dreaming of eventually). You're a companion... and nothing more. I'm sorry about that. I do feel she is interested in you as a person and enjoys your company but you're probably not the man she's looking for and she may not be the kind of woman you're dreaming of to one day live and combine your lives together with. You seem very down to earth and trusting, a little naive. I think the relationship has to run its course and she has to be the one to tell you it's not going anywhere (in the direction you want, that is) because you're not the type of man to see it for yourself. Take it easy and keep things realistic. Continue being the loving and trusting person that you are but find courage and don't be afraid of change either.

 

I know who I am, but thanks Dr. Phil. Lol.

[Rose Mosse]

I know who I am, but thanks Dr. Phil. Lol.

 

Did I offend you? You seem sarcastic. No offense meant by the above and I'm sorry if it was offensive.

[jul-els]

Did I offend you? You seem sarcastic. No offense meant by the above and I'm sorry if it was offensive.

 

I'm just goofing. I needed some levity. At your expense? Maybe a little. At mine, too. I just find it silly to try and cobble together character assessments about anyone from posts on social media. People are far too multi-dimensional and complex than something that can be ascertained from a computer screen. It's like trying to shovel smoke. But you did say some salient things and it was helpful. So thank you and pardon my silliness. Some of your assessments of me are accurate. As to your assessments of her, I've been dating her for a year and a half and I'm still trying to figure it out! Lol!

[Rose Mosse]

I'm just goofing. I needed some levity. At your expense? Maybe a little. At mine, too. I just find it silly to try and cobble together character assessments about anyone from posts on social media. People are far too multi-dimensional and complex than something that can be ascertained from a computer screen. It's like trying to shovel smoke. But you did say some salient things and it was helpful. So thank you and pardon my silliness. Some of your assessments of me are accurate. As to your assessments of her, I've been dating her for a year and a half and I'm still trying to figure it out! Lol!

 

Oh I see what you mean. Thanks for mentioning. You're right. I probably shouldn't have done that or made any broad generalizations at all. It was pretty silly. I agree with you that people have a lot more going on than what we can possible fit into small little boxes like these. I hope things sort of smooth out and all this thinking out loud helps a little.

[bluecastle]

As to your assessments of her, I've been dating her for a year and a half and I'm still trying to figure it out! Lol!

 

Pocket theory: We should generally be as excited—and comforted—by what we don't know and can't understand about another person than what we can "figure out." In some ways, I'd say the people we can grow old with are those we are most comfortable never fully knowing because we're still getting to know them, in much the same way we spend our lives continually getting to know ourselves and learning to be comfortable—and excited—by the idea that we contain things inside still to be discovered.

 

Woo-woo, I know. But I'll post it anyway as a potential toehold on the rock face you're navigating.

[maew]

But she is a wonderful lover. In the bedroom she is very expressive and has no problem showing how she feels. It's almost like she says everything physically instead of verbally.

 

The lure of a good piece of a$$ can be pretty exciting in the beginning that's for sure... it would seem that the honeymoon is over and that as you say, it just isn't enough anymore.

 

I am one that loves her peace and quiet and is very comfortable sitting in silence, however this is next level and definitely indicates something deeper going on, whether it be mental, physical or emotional.