He's stopped pursuing contact, what should I do?

[Savanna]

Hi Savanna,

 

Just my take, but it seems like he was pursuing and showing interest, and even went as far as to express he wanted more than you were giving. You also admit you have blown a bit hot and cold with him. I guess if I imagine this was his thread, with just the facts as you have presented here, he would be hearing a lot of 'she's not interested' responses. I don't forsee him pursuing you now, as it doesn't really sound like you have giving him much to want to pursue. I imagine his interest has faded, and really the question is do you want to spark it up again.

 

To be honest, in these types of 'waiting for some signal of interest' threads, my opinion is usually to just put your cards on the table or walk away. If you actually are interested in him, and honestly think maybe you haven't been signalling that very clearly, then why not just make it clear? I would go with something like - "Hey, I'm sorry, I know I haven't been really clear here, but I have really enjoyed getting to know you and would love to have the chance to meet up and see if there is anything there." If he is open to this, go straight to organising the when and where. And if you are genuinely interested, make the effort to be then and there. Personally, I just think this 'showing interest/whos turn is it to message' dance is rarely that productive, especially when it reaches the point you are here asking about it.

 

And of course, if your not that fussed that's fine too, just move on. No need to over think it - his interest is fading.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide,

 

T

 

I am interested in him yes but I wanted to go at a slower pace i guess than him. I don't think he's happy with just messaging now and then. But he does respond happily and quickly enough when i do message him.

 

2b fair if the roles were reversed I would probably have lost interest a lot sooner than him even. SO I guess I don't blame him. I dunno

[Savanna]

This is all you need to know. don't waste your time on go nowhere situations. Delete and block him and move forward.

 

HE said it because when I blocked him the first time round I suppose he didnt trust I wouldn't do it again.

[MissCanuck]

I am interested in him yes but I wanted to go at a slower pace i guess than him. I don't think he's happy with just messaging now and then. But he does respond happily and quickly enough when i do message him.

 

That doesn't mean much when you two have not even had one date, OP.

 

It means he enjoys the attention from you when you reached out and had enough downtime to reply, but that's about it.

 

This ship has already sailed. Most men are not going to put themselves on hold for someone they've been only chatting to for months. He's likely been out seeing other women in the meantime and looking for a more viable option.

[Savanna]

Yes I agree. How did you feel about being "chased" by him? Is that something you like, dislike, etc?

I mean I don't mind being chased by him no. I feel it's the guys responsibility to do the chasing. If it was someone I didn't like at all I would probably dislike it

[Savanna]

The fact you havent met him tells us a lot. There's always the possibility he's not available, he could be married or living with someone or just not who he says he is. Cut your losses and move on.

 

We probably havnt met because of how u kind of early on just left him, blocked him. But then came back. SO he lost a bit of trust there may be.since that time he was more suspicious of my intentions I guess. On top of that he is a cop so I suppose he doesn't want to just end up meeting someone who isn't who they say they are. I think those were obstacles aswell as my hot n cold behaviour

[Batya33]

I mean I don't mind being chased by him no. I feel it's the guys responsibility to do the chasing. If it was someone I didn't like at all I would probably dislike it

 

Oh I see. So if you like to be "chased" then you will continue to be involved with men who most likely are far more into the thrill of the chase than getting to know you as a person. Why do you think anyone should "chase" - I mean -if two people are interested in each other why should one have to chase the other? You weren't that into him and he found it fun to chase you - because it presented a challenge -which has little to do whether he had any interest in you as a person -perhaps he was attracted to you sexually and you blowing him off fueled that - so if you want a hot sexual encounter with someone who chases you then perhaps your mindset will work. But if you want a relationship find a man who wants to ask you out on a date rather than vice versa (I mean of course some women prefer to do the asking out, and of course some men prefer the women to do the asking out and it's totally fine if the "traditional" asking out by the guy works better for you in the beginning). Find a man who will ask you out on a date he plans in advance, shows up for the date and you show up, show interest and enthusiasm about getting to know him in person, be appreciative if he offers to treat or treats, and then just see how it goes. That's not chasing. That's a man asking a woman out on a date. The woman in that situation can also show real interest in the ways I described, can also flirt, etc. That way both people know they don't have to chase, both people are motivated to get to know each other as people, not as someone to be chased.

 

He didn't not meet you because of his work schedule. Every man I was seriously involved with after high school and even during high school had an incredibly busy schedule. So did I. We made the time. He didn't meet you because he didn't want to meet you. Just like you blew him off because you didn't want to meet him badly enough. Meeting takes effort and action. Not just texting - texting as far as setting a time and place, as far as maybe confirming - but it takes actually showing up on time at the place you decided to meet - and for busy people that means planning in advance or if it's last minute making sure you can actually be there. Neither of you wanted to put in that effort -not "can't" - didn't want to.

[Savanna]

Oh I see. So if you like to be "chased" then you will continue to be involved with men who most likely are far more into the thrill of the chase than getting to know you as a person. Why do you think anyone should "chase" - I mean -if two people are interested in each other why should one have to chase the other? You weren't that into him and he found it fun to chase you - because it presented a challenge -which has little to do whether he had any interest in you as a person -perhaps he was attracted to you sexually and you blowing him off fueled that - so if you want a hot sexual encounter with someone who chases you then perhaps your mindset will work. But if you want a relationship find a man who wants to ask you out on a date rather than vice versa (I mean of course some women prefer to do the asking out, and of course some men prefer the women to do the asking out and it's totally fine if the "traditional" asking out by the guy works better for you in the beginning). Find a man who will ask you out on a date he plans in advance, shows up for the date and you show up, show interest and enthusiasm about getting to know him in person, be appreciative if he offers to treat or treats, and then just see how it goes. That's not chasing. That's a man asking a woman out on a date. The woman in that situation can also show real interest in the ways I described, can also flirt, etc. That way both people know they don't have to chase, both people are motivated to get to know each other as people, not as someone to be chased.

 

He didn't not meet you because of his work schedule. Every man I was seriously involved with after high school and even during high school had an incredibly busy schedule. So did I. We made the time. He didn't meet you because he didn't want to meet you. Just like you blew him off because you didn't want to meet him badly enough. Meeting takes effort and action. Not just texting - texting as far as setting a time and place, as far as maybe confirming - but it takes actually showing up on time at the place you decided to meet - and for busy people that means planning in advance or if it's last minute making sure you can actually be there. Neither of you wanted to put in that effort -not "can't" - didn't want to.

 

I havn't met him yet obviously but does not mean I don't want to. So your point there about him not wanting to meet wasn't particularly helpful or insightful. But thanks anyway. Lol

[Savanna]

Oh I see. So if you like to be "chased" then you will continue to be involved with men who most likely are far more into the thrill of the chase than getting to know you as a person. Why do you think anyone should "chase" - I mean -if two people are interested in each other why should one have to chase the other? You weren't that into him and he found it fun to chase you - because it presented a challenge -which has little to do whether he had any interest in you as a person -perhaps he was attracted to you sexually and you blowing him off fueled that - so if you want a hot sexual encounter with someone who chases you then perhaps your mindset will work. But if you want a relationship find a man who wants to ask you out on a date rather than vice versa (I mean of course some women prefer to do the asking out, and of course some men prefer the women to do the asking out and it's totally fine if the "traditional" asking out by the guy works better for you in the beginning). Find a man who will ask you out on a date he plans in advance, shows up for the date and you show up, show interest and enthusiasm about getting to know him in person, be appreciative if he offers to treat or treats, and then just see how it goes. That's not chasing. That's a man asking a woman out on a date. The woman in that situation can also show real interest in the ways I described, can also flirt, etc. That way both people know they don't have to chase, both people are motivated to get to know each other as people, not as someone to be chased.

 

He didn't not meet you because of his work schedule. Every man I was seriously involved with after high school and even during high school had an incredibly busy schedule. So did I. We made the time. He didn't meet you because he didn't want to meet you. Just like you blew him off because you didn't want to meet him badly enough. Meeting takes effort and action. Not just texting - texting as far as setting a time and place, as far as maybe confirming - but it takes actually showing up on time at the place you decided to meet - and for busy people that means planning in advance or if it's last minute making sure you can actually be there. Neither of you wanted to put in that effort -not "can't" - didn't want to.

 

Also I didn't say he didnt want to meet due to his work schedule I said it was due to him getting to know a person properly before meeting them I.e. vetting or so he said. Since he's a cop and his job obviously involves him coming across a number of shady people needless to point out. And especially because it's an online app.

[Savanna]

Oh I see. So if you like to be "chased" then you will continue to be involved with men who most likely are far more into the thrill of the chase than getting to know you as a person. Why do you think anyone should "chase" - I mean -if two people are interested in each other why should one have to chase the other? You weren't that into him and he found it fun to chase you - because it presented a challenge -which has little to do whether he had any interest in you as a person -perhaps he was attracted to you sexually and you blowing him off fueled that - so if you want a hot sexual encounter with someone who chases you then perhaps your mindset will work. But if you want a relationship find a man who wants to ask you out on a date rather than vice versa (I mean of course some women prefer to do the asking out, and of course some men prefer the women to do the asking out and it's totally fine if the "traditional" asking out by the guy works better for you in the beginning). Find a man who will ask you out on a date he plans in advance, shows up for the date and you show up, show interest and enthusiasm about getting to know him in person, be appreciative if he offers to treat or treats, and then just see how it goes. That's not chasing. That's a man asking a woman out on a date. The woman in that situation can also show real interest in the ways I described, can also flirt, etc. That way both people know they don't have to chase, both people are motivated to get to know each other as people, not as someone to be chased.

 

He didn't not meet you because of his work schedule. Every man I was seriously involved with after high school and even during high school had an incredibly busy schedule. So did I. We made the time. He didn't meet you because he didn't want to meet you. Just like you blew him off because you didn't want to meet him badly enough. Meeting takes effort and action. Not just texting - texting as far as setting a time and place, as far as maybe confirming - but it takes actually showing up on time at the place you decided to meet - and for busy people that means planning in advance or if it's last minute making sure you can actually be there. Neither of you wanted to put in that effort -not "can't" - didn't want to.

 

He said himself he refuses to be my texting friend for the next couple of years. As I've become accustomed to communicating via text messaging etc.

[Wiseman2]

"Shady people" are the ones who refuse to meet. Have yo even googled his name or any info he gave you? Worry about vetting people yourself. Not meeting is a huge red flag. Stop analyzing his possible motives and instead consider that he may be a catfish, scammer, married, etc. Or simply not interested. Let it go.

Since he's a cop and his job obviously involves him coming across a number of shady people needless to point out.

[boltnrun]

It doesn't take a few months to "vet" someone.

 

If you both are so very busy you can't even set aside an hour to meet for coffee then neither of you is in any position to date. Texting buddies is all you'll ever be in that case.

[Batya33]

He said himself he refuses to be my texting friend for the next couple of years. As I've become accustomed to communicating via text messaging etc.

 

Of course he does- he's busy and he has enough friends including any text buddies he might want. It doesn't matter what you are "accustomed" to - what matters is how you behave when you are interested in pursuing a friendship. It's not an excuse that you're used to texting if indeed texting doesn't work for that particular person. Then you have to decide if you're willing to get out of what you are used to and make a choice to put effort into getting to know the person in person. Or via phone call -or some alternative to texting. That's true for romantic or platonic relationships. You enjoyed it when he was chasing you -not because you liked him - you weren't that into him -you liked the attention, being flattered, good for your ego. That has nothing to do with building a friendship with someone let alone a romantic relationship.

[Batya33]

Also I didn't say he didnt want to meet due to his work schedule I said it was due to him getting to know a person properly before meeting them I.e. vetting or so he said. Since he's a cop and his job obviously involves him coming across a number of shady people needless to point out. And especially because it's an online app.

 

I agree with the others and all you need to do is meet in a public place during the day and both be sober. Endless texting gives you no relevant information concerning in person chemistry and is not a way to "properly" get to know a person. Who cares if he is a cop - everyone with common sense knows that there are people in life to avoid and keep distance from and come in contact with "shady" people.

 

Lots of excuses. Seems to me you're not that interested in proper dating -but you enjoy being chased and you're concerned because he stopped chasing you.

[maew]

I mean I don't mind being chased by him no. I feel it's the guys responsibility to do the chasing. If it was someone I didn't like at all I would probably dislike it

 

High value men with confidence and self-esteem that really want a relationship won't chase you... they may pursue you in the beginning, to gauge your level of interest, however if you don't reciprocate in kind they will lose interest pretty quickly.

 

By expecting men to do the chasing, you are actually attracting needy and obsessive men with low-self esteem into your life.

 

To each their own though... if that's what you want, then go for it!

[Jibralta]

We havnt. But due to the nature of his job he wanted to be sure about me before he did. So he wanted to have a proper phone conversation with me before meeting.

 

I think he's a catfish. Have you skyped?

[boltnrun]

I think he's a catfish. Have you skyped?

 

Well, she's the one who refused to talk on the phone when he suggested it. Maybe HE thinks SHE is the catfish.

[bluecastle]

I think he's a catfish. Have you skyped?

 

Interesting. Everything about this suggests she’s the catfish, at least to my eyes.

[Savanna]

I agree with the others and all you need to do is meet in a public place during the day and both be sober. Endless texting gives you no relevant information concerning in person chemistry and is not a way to "properly" get to know a person. Who cares if he is a cop - everyone with common sense knows that there are people in life to avoid and keep distance from and come in contact with "shady" people.

 

Lots of excuses. Seems to me you're not that interested in proper dating -but you enjoy being chased and you're concerned because he stopped chasing you.

I don't mind meeting him. But he has to suggest it. Well he did once he said to go to a coffee.shop and meet. But that was before I went and blocked him on wjatsappfor like a month and then things changed a bit when I came back I guess he trusted me even less

[Savanna]

I think he's a catfish. Have you skyped?

He's not he suggested to video call

[Savanna]

Interesting. Everything about this suggests she’s the catfish, at least to my eyes.

 

I'm not a catfish. Im just a private person and it takes me a while to open up, obviously more so on an online app

[WaywardKiwi]

Hi again,

 

Sorry Savanna, I am a bit confused....

 

It sounds like he has done all the chasing and got nowhere. He has been kind and attentive, he suggested escalating communication, he suggested meeting, he was cordial and even gave you a second chance after you blocked him for, what sounds like, your own issues.

 

If he is a man of any quality, there is no way he is going to chase you and ask you to meet again. It's one thing to want a man to pursue you, its another to make them do it over broken glass.

 

As I said before, if you really, genuinely think there may be something worthwhile there, you need to chase him and make him want to meet. Now.

 

If that doesn't fit with your expectations of gender roles in courtship, you should move on and use this as a learning experience.

 

Good luck,

 

T

[Rose Mosse]

I think it's a bit strange that you're still hung up on someone or interested in him at all. Isn't this a bit boring to you? There's not much to grasp at here. Perhaps it's the cop idea that's alluring you. Maybe it's his sense of social responsibility versus your evasion of the law/social expectations type of chemistry that turns you on.

 

I don't think you should make any moves if you don't think it's your cup of tea to make moves. He asked you out, you were busy and if he's that interested he can ask you out again. No big deal. If you haven't heard back, he's not that interested or is seeing other women.

 

There are plenty of other people to meet.

[Savanna]

Hi again,

 

Sorry Savanna, I am a bit confused....

 

It sounds like he has done all the chasing and got nowhere. He has been kind and attentive, he suggested escalating communication, he suggested meeting, he was cordial and even gave you a second chance after you blocked him for, what sounds like, your own issues.

 

If he is a man of any quality, there is no way he is going to chase you and ask you to meet again. It's one thing to want a man to pursue you, its another to make them do it over broken glass.

 

As I said before, if you really, genuinely think there may be something worthwhile there, you need to chase him and make him want to meet. Now.

 

If that doesn't fit with your expectations of gender roles in courtship, you should move on and use this as a learning experience.

 

Good luck,

 

T

 

Hi thanks for your input. I think I'm going to give it a shot I.e. contact him by maybe calling and then leave the ball in his court. If he wants to speak or not. I doubt I will do the initiating now more than once or twice though. If nothing happens I will have to block him and move forwards

[Savanna]

I think it's a bit strange that you're still hung up on someone or interested in him at all. Isn't this a bit boring to you? There's not much to grasp at here. Perhaps it's the cop idea that's alluring you. Maybe it's his sense of social responsibility versus your evasion of the law/social expectations type of chemistry that turns you on.

 

I don't think you should make any moves if you don't think it's your cup of tea to make moves. He asked you out, you were busy and if he's that interested he can ask you out again. No big deal. If you haven't heard back, he's not that interested or is seeing other women.

 

There are plenty of other people to meet.

I think a big part of it is his career. Well it's not strange, since this happens never. Especially someone I've known a couple months. I tend to move on pretty quickly by blocking them and on to the next one. These days I'm not that big on wasting time on trivial matters. Also he did try to invest quite a bit of time into me so I suppose I can now give some back. If this was a.guy who barely even tried, I would sure as hell not be going through all this.

 

I don't think I will ask him to meet. I will however try to speak to him on the phone a couple times, and leave the rest up to him I guess

[MissCanuck]

Whatever the route you take, let this be a lesson, Savanna. You have shot yourself in the foot on this one.

 

You can't pull this far back and expect the guy to exclude other options who show more interest and enthusiasm. Men are going to go for the women who reciprocate. In this case, that isn't you. This one is likely dead in the water but you can use this experience to guide you in making more constructive decisions with guys in the future.