Jump to content

He's stopped pursuing contact, what should I do?


Savanna

Recommended Posts

Whatever the route you take, let this be a lesson, Savanna. You have shot yourself in the foot on this one.

 

You can't pull this far back and expect the guy to exclude other options who show more interest and enthusiasm. Men are going to go for the women who reciprocate. In this case, that isn't you. This one is likely dead in the water but you can use this experience to guide you in making more constructive decisions with guys in the future.

 

How funny that phrase shot yourself in the foot is something he's used b4 lol .

 

Maybe it is dead, maybe it's not. I'll try a couple of times and see what happens. But I am a firm believer of what is meant for you will not pass you by. So let's see

Link to comment
  • Replies 109
  • Created
  • Last Reply

It doesn't help much when I have this friend of mine speaking so negatively about the guy in question. A guy friend aswell lol.

 

He's seen a pic of the guy, knows his job and has heard a few things that i told him about him. And he's always hateful almost. 😳. Just says I can do better and the guys arrogant and thinks too highly of himself. When I told him we havnt spoken in a week he goes oh he's just looking for p****. He thinks he can do better than u. He's probably talking to other women or getting with other women. He's just so ununbelievably negative. It really does not help me and makes me sometimes think maybe it's true he doesn't care etc etc

Link to comment
Well, she's the one who refused to talk on the phone when he suggested it. Maybe HE thinks SHE is the catfish.

 

Interesting. Everything about this suggests she’s the catfish, at least to my eyes.

 

Actually, it seems that neither of them are catfish. I missed this part when I first read the thread:

 

Well just to clarify I met him a few months ago.
Link to comment
I know but he always like to throw in his two cents

 

So? Everyone has an opinion -you seem very passive in how you interact with people - you get chased, you just accept others' opinions -do you really want a give and take relationship or do you just want to sit back and be chased and make excuses like "well he always gives his opinion?"

Link to comment
So? Everyone has an opinion -you seem very passive in how you interact with people - you get chased, you just accept others' opinions -do you really want a give and take relationship or do you just want to sit back and be chased and make excuses like "well he always gives his opinion?"

 

Well no obviously not. But if you think about it rationally it doesn't help when someone's In my ear all the time insulting the guy who's trying to get to know me.

Link to comment
So? Everyone has an opinion -you seem very passive in how you interact with people - you get chased, you just accept others' opinions -do you really want a give and take relationship or do you just want to sit back and be chased and make excuses like "well he always gives his opinion?"

 

And when he says stuff like this "guy will make your life hell".

Link to comment
Well no obviously not. But if you think about it rationally it doesn't help when someone's In my ear all the time insulting the guy who's trying to get to know me.

 

Rationally if someone is saying something that you are not comfortable with you have the choice to walk away.

Link to comment
I think a big part of it is his career. Well it's not strange, since this happens never. Especially someone I've known a couple months. I tend to move on pretty quickly by blocking them and on to the next one. These days I'm not that big on wasting time on trivial matters. Also he did try to invest quite a bit of time into me so I suppose I can now give some back. If this was a.guy who barely even tried, I would sure as hell not be going through all this.

 

I don't think I will ask him to meet. I will however try to speak to him on the phone a couple times, and leave the rest up to him I guess

 

Good for you. Nothing wrong with that. I'd express somewhere in there that you are interested in meeting if you're interested in meeting. If you aren't don't bother. You'll just seem a bit nutty after everything. Don't ever do anything you're not comfortable with either. Go with the vibe. If he's not seeming that interested, it's good to meet new people too.

 

I had the idea that you might have been interested in him as a total package but it probably had something to do with his career. I have dated a cop too and it wasn't all I thought it would be. I've also been with a psychologist who worked in a police department, a project manager, a security guard, another accountant (my profession), a carpenter and eventually married a chef. Who would have thought that a person who prepares meals would be the one person in the world I would connect with on so many levels? My husband is witty as hell, immensely driven and disciplined, kind, loving, too intelligent for his own good, well-traveled, accepting of other cultures and walks of life, very curious by nature and extremely intuitive/perceptive. On top of all that he's built like a greek god and is easy on the eyes. He has his own hobbies and a mind of his own which I appreciate above all else.

 

Dating is continuously a work in progress, like we all are as human beings, constantly evolving. The good part is that you understand your limits and what you feel comfortable with and not comfortable with. Most people don't like being deceived or neglected. If there are some who don't quite fit you or your personality, it's a gray area and a fine line where you wish to make exceptions if any exceptions are appropriate. I think that's what it's all about: just learning in general and thinking through things.

Link to comment
Well no obviously not. But if you think about it rationally it doesn't help when someone's In my ear all the time insulting the guy who's trying to get to know me.

 

By the same token, if you think about it rationally - your friend's opinion is based on no factual information. You needed to find your voice and tell him to knock it off.

 

Your friend sounds jealous. Don't share things like this with him in the future, as you evidently assign far too much importance to his random rantings and not enough to actually getting to know someone.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are both you and the online guy?

Link to comment
Well no obviously not. But if you think about it rationally it doesn't help when someone's In my ear all the time insulting the guy who's trying to get to know me.

 

It entirely depends on whether the person in my ear is typically on point with their assessments of others, or whether they are just generally negative and judgmental. Some of my closest friends vary so widely in their opinions about my dating life it makes my head spin... then I remember that their opinions are generally speaking a projection of their own values and beliefs about relationships.

 

Now if I were in a situation where a diverse group of people were all saying essentially the same thing? That would make me stop and listen. If it was that obvious to people with different values that a situation or behavior is or isn't right, then I believe it's in my best interest to take a look at it.

Link to comment
Rationally if someone is saying something that you are not comfortable with you have the choice to walk away.

 

True but it naturally makes me think twice. As in is what they're saying valid or not. You have to understand that the guy is a new person therefore anything goes when I don't know him that well. And sometimes I have been guilty of missing what others see clearly

Link to comment
By the same token, if you think about it rationally - your friend's opinion is based on no factual information. You needed to find your voice and tell him to knock it off.

 

Your friend sounds jealous. Don't share things like this with him in the future, as you evidently assign far too much importance to his random rantings and not enough to actually getting to know someone.

 

Out of curiosity, how old are both you and the online guy?

 

I did actually accuse my friend of being jealous lol. But of course he didnt respond to that. He just kept saying you will see that I'm right in the end lol. 😳 I'm 26 and he's 27 turning 28

Link to comment
I did actually accuse my friend of being jealous lol. But of course he didnt respond to that. He just kept saying you will see that I'm right in the end lol. 😳 I'm 26 and he's 27 turning 28

 

So why do you choose to interact with a "friend" who is making those sorts of comments to you? Or at least why interact without expressing that his comments are not appreciated?

Link to comment
It entirely depends on whether the person in my ear is typically on point with their assessments of others, or whether they are just generally negative and judgmental. Some of my closest friends vary so widely in their opinions about my dating life it makes my head spin... then I remember that their opinions are generally speaking a projection of their own values and beliefs about relationships.

 

Now if I were in a situation where a diverse group of people were all saying essentially the same thing? That would make me stop and listen. If it was that obvious to people with different values that a situation or behavior is or isn't right, then I believe it's in my best interest to take a look at it.

 

Well this guy in particular has sometimes been accurate with his observations. I just really don't want them to be true. He keeps repeating how arrogant the cop is and tht he probably thinks he's better than me etc etc.

 

I showed another friend this time a female the messages. She said he seems caring and nice. And about the rude things he said she was Like you really can't tell in a message how someone is feeling. As in things can be misunderstood. And she also goes In her perspective from reading the messages it really looks like I don't care about the guy at all. N it's like he's coming towards me and im resisting as much as I can

Link to comment
So why do you choose to interact with a "friend" who is making those sorts of comments to you? Or at least why interact without expressing that his comments are not appreciated?

 

Well what I was saying before is i don't know if he could actually have a point or not. Only time will tell. But Yeh I clearly havnt been giving the cop much time. And it's been exactly a week now. 😳 I do get angry and tell him but he continues lol. Basically he believes it all to be true what he says. And that i apparently will see it eventually

Link to comment

Yes, typed words can be misinterpreted. So if you want friendships and relationships there are a few basics IMHO. First, you have to know what you want and also why you want the friend or the potential romantic partner - be honest about your motives. If one of your main motives is not a situation where there is reciprocal interest and reciprocal give and take then I wouldn't bother pursuing any type of relationship. If you're not willing to put yourself out there and show interest and enthusiasm in appropriate ways then don't bother. Seems to me you are motivated by getting attention from a person who is a male who at first wanted to date you even though you weren't interested in him. Your main motivation was feeding your ego and getting attention. He didn't choose to play that game. You wanted to keep it to texting because that's easy, it's basically passive, you can get attention and you don't have to put in the effort to actually meet. But a person who wants to see if a relationship can develop -a healthful relationship -is never going to be satisfied with feeding your ego and your need for attention.

 

For some relationships are worth the effort. Decide if it's worth it to you. Your interactions with this person have nothing to do with dating or a relationship. Your interactions with your friend seem to consist of him spouting opinions and you passively absorbing them.

Link to comment
Good for you. Nothing wrong with that. I'd express somewhere in there that you are interested in meeting if you're interested in meeting. If you aren't don't bother. You'll just seem a bit nutty after everything. Don't ever do anything you're not comfortable with either. Go with the vibe. If he's not seeming that interested, it's good to meet new people too.

 

I had the idea that you might have been interested in him as a total package but it probably had something to do with his career. I have dated a cop too and it wasn't all I thought it would be. I've also been with a psychologist who worked in a police department, a project manager, a security guard, another accountant (my profession), a carpenter and eventually married a chef. Who would have thought that a person who prepares meals would be the one person in the world I would connect with on so many levels? My husband is witty as hell, immensely driven and disciplined, kind, loving, too intelligent for his own good, well-traveled, accepting of other cultures and walks of life, very curious by nature and extremely intuitive/perceptive. On top of all that he's built like a greek god and is easy on the eyes. He has his own hobbies and a mind of his own which I appreciate above all else.

 

Dating is continuously a work in progress, like we all are as human beings, constantly evolving. The good part is that you understand your limits and what you feel comfortable with and not comfortable with. Most people don't like being deceived or neglected. If there are some who don't quite fit you or your personality, it's a gray area and a fine line where you wish to make exceptions if any exceptions are appropriate. I think that's what it's all about: just learning in general and thinking through things.

 

Thank you. Well he mentioned meeting once b4 but it was a long time before and I blocked him when I got angry and sort of ruined the dynamics. Then I mentioned meeting and he says his doors are open as long as he gets to know me on the phone first before.

 

I think a lot of it is deffo the cop thing. So how comes It wasn't what you thought it would be? If u don't mind me asking.

 

I mean 2 b fair I have met all kinds of people with different jobs but most of them have been either finance or it related which i jusst find boring lol

The thing is it's so hard to find both someone I get on with and who is attractive to me. It's always one of the other lol. Which is kind of irritating. For example I am getting to know another guy and we get on quite well and have many share interests but I can't imagine being physical with him but he's great company. Whereas the cop I'm attracted too but our personalities are total opposites. I did mention this to him several times but he was like it's not a problem and he's open minded etc etc. But I guess at the time when a guy wants you he will probably say anything u want to hear lol

Link to comment
Yes, typed words can be misinterpreted. So if you want friendships and relationships there are a few basics IMHO. First, you have to know what you want and also why you want the friend or the potential romantic partner - be honest about your motives. If one of your main motives is not a situation where there is reciprocal interest and reciprocal give and take then I wouldn't bother pursuing any type of relationship. If you're not willing to put yourself out there and show interest and enthusiasm in appropriate ways then don't bother. Seems to me you are motivated by getting attention from a person who is a male who at first wanted to date you even though you weren't interested in him. Your main motivation was feeding your ego and getting attention. He didn't choose to play that game. You wanted to keep it to texting because that's easy, it's basically passive, you can get attention and you don't have to put in the effort to actually meet. But a person who wants to see if a relationship can develop -a healthful relationship -is never going to be satisfied with feeding your ego and your need for attention.

 

For some relationships are worth the effort. Decide if it's worth it to you. Your interactions with this person have nothing to do with dating or a relationship. Your interactions with your friend seem to consist of him spouting opinions and you passively absorbing them.

 

I'm not a narcissist 😂😳. I can see why it looks that way but the feeding my ego etc was not my intentions. Even by messaging I did tell him I don't mind meeting. And he was like he wants to get to know me better. Which is usually something a female would say but oh well. He seems kind of suspicious sometimes. But I guess with his career it's just ends up translating into his personal life aswell.

 

I know I really have to see. Some people are like he may already be talking to other women by now. I guess if that is the case then I can't blame him

Link to comment

Dating is like that -not everyone is our match. If you want a relationship sometimes you have to meet a lot of people, kiss a few frogs before finding your prince as the expression goes. But wanting someone to chase you and keep texting you even after you blow off the person has nothing at all to do with looking to meet people to date. I am not sure what your question means of what "I thought it would be"

Also how do you know he is a cop? Because he told you?

What activities do you do where you meet people -both women and men? How do you meet people? What do you do to meet people? If you find "finance" (a rather broad category) "boring" then avoid those people and let those people meet people who don't find it boring -you do not have to date anyone, you can limit your dating pool as much as you care to whether it's based on job or hair color or clothing choices - just know that the more you play games or conclude that all finance is boring, etc the less likely it will be that you find a good match. But I'm still not getting from you that you actually want to do the work of developing a relationship with a person and kind of want it to happen like a car wash where you are chased and you might deign to meet the person if he chases hard enough. It's fine not to want a relationship - but not fine to claim to want one then play games that are inconsistent with wanting one.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...