I Feel Like my New Boyfriend Will Grow Tired of Me.

[Rose Mosse]

She said this in her OP:

"I am spending the week at his house,"

so I presume she did not actually move in.

 

OP, I still think therapy is a good consideration. If you are unable to stop this self-defeating thought process a professional can be of immense help.

 

Thanks for clarifying. Ignore the first two sentences and apply the rest of my post.

 

She has limited finances and is not covered for health insurance(extended). Therapy may not be an option.

[Batya33]

So I'm going to bold what Cheryln wrote so I can add to it and hopefully not be repetitive.

 

Your boyfriend will never grow tired of you once you become a strong, self confident woman with high self esteem and security.

 

Generally, men are not attracted to women who depend on them in order to feel whole and complete.

 

Yes- and I'll add -the men who are worth your time and your heart.

 

I can't speak for all men but my husband was attracted to me because I was financially strong, independent and could stand on my own two feet. I didn't need to depend on any man for my survival. This is the draw.

 

It's not good enough to be able to cook and clean. You need to have your own life with career and strong financial independence which boosts your self esteem and confidence.

 

I don't really cook (( can, i don't) and -surprise! -he still wanted me. I completely agree that having your own fun, fulfilling life like she wrote is sexy and a turn on -also - in a very good way keeps him on his toes -not in a game playing way! My husband's first question to me on our first lunch date about 24 years ago was why I'd chosen the career I had. He said later it was important for him to know that I hadn't just passively fallen into it but was passionate about it or at least interested.

In social settings, don your social face, become outgoing, affable, amiable and the secret is to revolve the conversation away from you onto others! Put the spotlight on others. If you listen, let others have the floor and you're all ears and give them all the air space, you'll be their new best friend! People love nothing more than a good listener and they'll talk until they're blue in the face all night long if you let them. This is what I do in order to prevent any awkwardness or silences. I let it be all about them. People love to talk about THEMSELVES forever. So I ask a lot of questions, sound interested and I don't have to say nary a word about myself. This is the trick and by the time the evening is over, they'll realize they talked about themselves and not about you!

 

Yes and it's also helpful if you can be the kind of person who is genuinely interested in other people. Yes, certain people love to talk about themselves and people who love to listen also love to talk about themselves if they feel the listener is actually interested in what they have to say and actually wants the person to talk about him or herself. Also you can ask about topics in common -one great topic I find is books (or music or theater) - I love finding out why a person liked a certain book we both read -often learn other perspectives, etc.

 

In other instances if you develop an independent life of your own such as with your career, you automatically make yourself more attractive. People like the fact that you're very busy on the fast track.

 

No man will ever grow tired of a woman who charges ahead with her own life. This has been my experience and what I've observed in general.

 

Mine too.

[Hollyj]

Confused, I see that you are 26. I read that you wanted to start your own business, and you were saving up. What happened with that plan?

 

Do you still smoke a lot of weed?

[catfeeder]

What classifies a woman as a desirable, good partner?

 

In my mind, here's my run down. Be a good cook (strong positive), clean for him, ...

 

Clean for him? Seriously?

 

I can see cooking if you love to do it and love good food, so you're cooking as much for yourself as for anyone else, but cleaning FOR a BF puts you in housemaid territory. That will get you taken for granted faster than you imagine, because it's overcompensation.

 

If you view yourself as disposable, then you sell the message that you ARE disposable--and then you enforce that message to yourself when it gets you disposed of.

 

People who value themselves send the message that I AM valuable, and there's no need for selling that idea.

 

Anybody can hire a house cleaner or clean for themselves. Don't do it for anyone else unless you negotiate an equal exchange for something of value to you. That negotiation needs to be an explicit trade, not an implicit one where you fantasize that your efforts make you invaluable to a guy.

 

Mothering = smothering. Don't do it, or you'll buy yourself an unequal position that starts the ball rolling toward BF's search for equality with someone who values herself.

[Wiseman2]

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[reinventmyself]

You are fulfilling two roles. With all the cleaning, cooking and care taking he (subconsciously) perceives you as mothering.

And the other as a child - by you needing the reassurance and being fragile most of the time.

 

By doing these things he switches from being a child to your mothering - and a parent to your need for hand holding.

 

Neither of these will sustain an adult romantic relationship. It will likely ultimately turn him away.

 

A healthy adult man will want an equally mature, stable woman by his side.

He doesn't want to date his mother or his daughter.

[abitbroken]

Ill tell you a little story. When i was a little bit younger than you, I met my ex. I was down on myself a lot. He was attracted to that. You know why? Because he felt he could mold me into what he wanted and control me. if i always felt he or anyone else was just a little better than me, he could hold a carrot just out of my reach "if you would only do X you would be worthy" and he would always raise or change the bar just a little bit. Its one thing to be bummed from time to time, but its another to constantly wear your fears and poor self esteem on your sleeve.

 

He already has your number. All he has to do is hint he will have no one to take care of him, and you rush to his house to clean it - maybe subsconciously you desire to secure your space, fit the bill of what he requires. Make a man date you early in a relationship. I am not saying make him spend money -- a man asking you out, planning a lovely walk along the tree lined streets to get an ice cream and take advantage of the free day at the museum, or to listen to music in the park, etc, are cheap and free things but it shows he wants to court you, rather than is looking to fill a classified ad for a mother or maid.

 

So cut it out.

 

Live with your mom for awhile until your situation changes or until you find a situation with a female roommate and go from there. You are not auditioning to be a live in house keeper

[saluk]

Therapy isn't just pills. It's someone who can unravel why you think the way you do, and identify what kind of support is best to begin unraveling some of the chains that life and you have put around yourself. My friend has been seeing a counselor for 2 years and it's been a great improvement. She has many anxieties like you do, and while the counselor recommended pills she decided to go ahead without them.

 

It's still been helpful. Instead of just saying "stop being anxious" (which in your case is "just act normal"), she actually has specific things she can think about to focus her mind and calm her down. More effective than trying to cope on your own.

[abitbroken]

I do have a confession, when i started reading your posts, I thought you were a 58-64 year old woman who took good care of herself - was in good shape etc, and was getting a little desperate feeling her time was out to find a man. For several reasons: the always flirting or falling for men in the workplace, falling for a man who hints he needs a good woman after momma's gone, etc, or choosing men who are wanting to be taken care of like that and no 24-30 year old man would ever talk that way. I was shocked that you are 26. If you drop this guy and take a year off from dating or flirtations - turn ALL me down and don't chase anyone, you have TONS of time to find a man to settle down with and have babies with if that is what you so desire, but you will meet better men.

[figureitout23]

I do have a confession, when i started reading your posts, I thought you were a 58-64 year old woman who took good care of herself - was in good shape etc, and was getting a little desperate feeling her time was out to find a man. For several reasons: the always flirting or falling for men in the workplace, falling for a man who hints he needs a good woman after momma's gone, etc, or choosing men who are wanting to be taken care of like that and no 24-30 year old man would ever talk that way. I was shocked that you are 26. If you drop this guy and take a year off from dating or flirtations - turn ALL me down and don't chase anyone, you have TONS of time to find a man to settle down with and have babies with if that is what you so desire, but you will meet better men.

 

I thought the same abitbroken

[abitbroken]

I thought the same abitbroken

 

Glad to know i am not crazy.

At 26, everyone is in the sweet spot of still being young and cute, but also being a grownup and having something to bring to the table as far as maturity. There is a wide range of 24-34 year old men that are appropriate to date and want to date you. I mean, obviously i mean the hypothetical you. So focus on getting whatever experience you need to further your career, don't clean a guy's house. A woman who is comfortable with herself, doesn't "have" to find a man is the one who finds a lot of quality men cross her path that are interested