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Confused 😕


Harleygirl

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Hi please give me advice..I'm (47) bf (55) been dating for a year as of yesterday. I see him almost everyday...we have had some rocky times because i think he can't communicate properly and cold walls me sometimes..plus he told me he will never get married so i accepted that. 2 days ago he got mad at me for something extremly petty which i had to figure out what it was..he left without a good bye nothing..im like whats going on..when i tried to talk to him he told me to go home and go away he was extremely pissed that i went to his house wanting a explanation..how he reacted was so rude..he didnt text or call after that..yesterday was our anniversary i texted him.hello r u alive he responds no sarcastic i told him i think he should come over and talk and does he know what today is..he replies it's July 11th and i think i know what i should do..and that was it ..i can't believe he blew me off never came over or made any effort..and he was the one counting down to our anniversary and we were supposed to do something special even got him a expensive gift i purchased awhile ago..i told him im sorry i texted him i feel like a fool..please help me understand him..im so not into head games ps..these actions shows me that he doesnt care at all..im thinking he didnt wajt to buy me anything for it so.he purposely made a argument..is he bi polar im sorry but nothing makes sense..thank you for your help

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Your boyfriend would need to be evaluated by a professional in order to properly diagnose him with any possible psychological problems. No one on this forum can tell you with 100% certainty of any specific mental disorders he may suffer from.

 

I will say that the actions of your boyfriend are not reflective of a fully emotionally mature adult. He's essentially throwing an adult temper tantrum by giving you the silent treatment, expecting you to figure out what he is upset about instead of communicating his feelings to you directly, and his short, sarcastic responses. He is not able to handle conflict in a mature way, and at his age (55!) that is a red flag.......

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I understand i didnt want any diagnosis, i was just saying the behavior is not the normal..yes immature at 55..who would have know at this age i would come across such issues....thank you for your help..i appreciate it very much..

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I like to look at both sides to a story, so I will give you my thoughts on how you can do better in addition to my thoughts on him.

 

For you:

- what is the “extremely petty” thing you argued about? What to you is extremely petty, to him may not be. Particularly if he reacted the way he did. Unless he’s trying to get you to break up with him.

- showing up at someone’s house unannounced to argue with them is not cool. It’s just not. In this day and age of having all sorts of ways to contact someone, how hard is it to send a text or call to say “can I come over so we can talk?”. Ambushing someone is not ok. I would have asked you to leave too.

- Saying “are you alive?” when you are on good terms can be cute. Saying it while things are rocky is passive aggressive. No one wants to talk to someone who is being passive aggressive.

 

For him:

Yes, this guy has serious communication issues and frankly, he’s not treating you with love and respect (which you can still do when you are mad at someone).

 

... but it’s odd to me that he went from all excited and counting down the anniversary to freaking out about the petty thing.

 

Can you tell us more about the petty thing?

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Ok what happened was we both ride motorcycles so we were going under a light and the light turns yellow I had no choice because it changed right while I was passing last time we were at that intersection he told me he didn't want to get a ticket because of the camera light obviously I'm very cautious but it did turn when I was underneath it so I was continuing to ride home which was down the street I look in my mirror and he's vanished I'm thinking maybe he's still at the light or maybe he went to the store gas station I go home waiting nothing half an hour passes 45 minutes passes I ride him you know hello everything okay where you at you know no answer yes I was wrong to go to his house but I was stunned and didn't know what happened we were on good terms everything was fine. I come to realize he probably doesn't have as much feelings for me as I do for him obviously you know actions show that and my insecurities and self-confidence made me stay with him longer than I should have but you know when you follow your heart not your mind sometimes that's a mistake to make.

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Hi Harleygirl,

 

I am pretty familiar with this type of behavior, so here’s my take fwiw.

 

Him being so adamant about never marrying suggests he has at least some fears surrounding commitment.

 

I talk about my brother a lot on this forum, who is in his 40s and also has commitment issues/fears, his are quite severe. And when dating a girl or in a relationship, right before a major holiday, especially a “couples” holiday such as an anniversary, he panics, withdraws and has been know to behave in very cruel ways.

 

The significance of that holiday causes him a lot of anxiety and as a result he will treat his girlfriend at the time with what can only be described as mental cruelty – he will withdraw and if she pushes the issue (as you did), he will lash out – it’s all due to his anxiety and panic surrounding the holiday (and your relationship), in your case, your anniversary.

 

Even though he was "counting down the days"prior to, as your anniversary approached, he started panicking. When you went over to his and asked “do you know what today is?” (i.e. your anniversary) in his panicked state of mind, he freaked out and lashed out, in a very cruel way.

 

I am not saying that behavior is okay, it’s absolutely not okay by any stretch, just explaining what it might be so you can determine for yourself if you want to move forward with him or not, because I guarantee you even if you patch this up, it WILL happen again.

 

If me, I would take all this as a MAJOR red flag and end it, but of course you need to do what's right for you.

 

And again, this is just my opinion based on what I've read and experienced with my brother and in my own life.

 

Good luck.

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He's not into you.

I'm sorry.

 

The longer you stay in this type of relationship where things aren't on equal footing and one person has checked out or never was there emotionally, you're already setting yourself up for a lot of problems. It's time for a reality check perhaps. Let this go and move on. This is not the person for you. There are hot, attractive, honest and genuine men who also ride motorcycles. You don't have to be with this one.

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Yes thank you everyones imput is helping me see the main picture..i sacrificed alot for this relationship thinking.he eould see it and but in the end im the one who has to deal with the heartbreak..btw i know i shouldn't have gone over there that night he left..but i was dumbfounded..sometimes you will never get the answers nor closure that you deserve..i wish the best for everyone..ty again

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Ok what happened was we both ride motorcycles so we were going under a light and the light turns yellow I had no choice because it changed right while I was passing last time we were at that intersection he told me he didn't want to get a ticket because of the camera light obviously I'm very cautious but it did turn when I was underneath it so I was continuing to ride home which was down the street I look in my mirror and he's vanished I'm thinking maybe he's still at the light or maybe he went to the store gas station I go home waiting nothing half an hour passes 45 minutes passes I ride him you know hello everything okay where you at you know no answer yes I was wrong to go to his house but I was stunned and didn't know what happened we were on good terms everything was fine. I come to realize he probably doesn't have as much feelings for me as I do for him obviously you know actions show that and my insecurities and self-confidence made me stay with him longer than I should have but you know when you follow your heart not your mind sometimes that's a mistake to make.

 

So: What will you do? I hope you love yourself more than your fear of being without him. He's a chuckler so chuck him already.

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Did you apologize, I mean properly where you tell him you didn't mean to upset him, etc? Have you two talked about things openly and decently with one another?

 

I never base someones upset on words like 'petty' because what's upset him, might not have upset you or visa versa, but either way, it's an upset and feelings need to be validated without being belittling and saying his upset wasn't necessary or okay.

 

If you two cannot communicate properly with one another then it's a huge sign that you are not compatible and it won't work.

 

Doing the blaming game though, won't work. It's you as a couple that does not work right.

 

You also chasing him down like that won't work. You start to look like you're begging and that's no good, and it will start to come off as annoying.

 

After the upset, look back on the situation, figure out where the upset came from, if you said or did something, apologize graciously or explain that you didn't mean it, etc.

If it's not received well, then leave it.

 

You don't need to beg.

 

If he is getting upset easily or won't forgive, then perhaps he doesn't care for you like he said he did.

 

Either way, you've done enough, let him be. If you do talk again, it will be him getting a hold of you, but don't message or chase anymore.

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Ok - under the circumstances that you described, I take it back. I DO think it was perfectly reasonable to go looking for him under the circumstances. He disappeared on you and he could have easily been hit by a truck or something. Ambush ok. He was in the wrong, IMO.

 

... but yeah, this guy is immature at best. He was trying to “teach you a lesson” by disappearing instead of having an adult conversation.

 

Maybe it’s as another poster said and he has commitment issues. Either way, he’s not relationship material. You need a partner, not a “teacher”.

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There is more than one occasion there in the first post where he was rude and unwilling to elaborate more on why he lashes out at her. I can understand a brief lapse in judgment and moodiness but not like this. Normally I'd suggest they talk things out and be sincere with each other but in each incident, he does not seem willing to talk with her at all. Actually it doesn't seem like he wants anything to do with her.

 

It might be a good idea to go with your gut instincts on this one, OP, and be truthful and realistic about the way this person makes you feel in general and the way he treats you. If it doesn't feel good, it's probably not a good situation.

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I agree Rose. Regardless of what his "issues" are - commitment fears (as I suggested earlier) - or something else, it's pretty clear he's not capable or even desirous of being in anything even remotely resembling a healthy loving relationship.

 

Harley, not sure why you're still there tolerating all this crapola, I certainly would not be that's for sure.

 

But best of luck whatever you decide.

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Sorry this is happening. Surely this isn't the first time he's acting this obnoxious, no? He may be fun, but he's too moody, broody, edgy, etc for a stable happy relationship. Hard to say if he's a run of the mill jerk, wants to keep up some sort of middle-aged bad-boy image or what. Pull back and don't contact him and don't show up at his place.

 

Never play into his nonsense and apologize for him being a horse's ass. Rethink this whole thing and decide if you want some arrogant geriatric Easy Rider or a bf who respects you. Join another motorcycle club, try to meet other guys who have the same interests but are not trying to project a rebel-without-a-cause image.

i texted him. hello r u alive

he responds no

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Well when i look back he did this one other time and it looks like hes punishing me..but he never wb i saw him at a event and we started talking..he never expressed himself or apologised for his action..i think hes at that selfish phase if she leaves ne i dont care..and now i def got the hint..im done no more overlooking the red flags..and back to the drawing board and building my esteem and self worth back up..

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Well when i look back he did this one other time and it looks like hes punishing me..but he never wb i saw him at a event and we started talking..he never expressed himself or apologised for his action..i think hes at that selfish phase if she leaves ne i dont care..and now i def got the hint..im done no more overlooking the red flags..and back to the drawing board and building my esteem and self worth back up..

 

Giving you two thumbs up.

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Well when i look back he did this one other time and it looks like hes punishing me..but he never wb i saw him at a event and we started talking..he never expressed himself or apologised for his action..i think hes at that selfish phase if she leaves ne i dont care..and now i def got the hint..im done no more overlooking the red flags..and back to the drawing board and building my esteem and self worth back up..

 

While I would make it a point to always look to my mirror to ensure that a riding partner has made it through the same lights I've passed, and I'd pull over whenever that's not the case, I'd do what you're wisely doing by seeing the bigger picture of this relationship.

 

It's been a year of withhold from him instead of working things out whenever he doesn't 'like' something. I'd ask whether that's really enough for me? Would I want a future of walking on eggshells around a partner to avoid punishment for every mistake--is that how I'd want to live? Is that even a partner, or just a passive-aggressive fair weather friend?

 

As for building your self esteem and worth back up, that's nothing that anyone can 'take' from you. Self esteem is one term that means exactly what is says--it's not lover esteem, or friend esteem--it's SELF esteem. So while your willingness to settle for a BF who isn't fully invested in you might have reflected a willingness to test whether someone else's treatment will rise to what you deserve, you're now demonstrating a willingness to recognize that this guy will NOT be that guy.

 

So your self respect is there, it just needed an unfortunate push to kick in. While grieving any loss of a relationship is difficult, it can also be the best time to get clear about what you're no longer willing to settle for from a potential partner. That's a good thing.

 

Whenever your paths cross with this guy, I'd be civil and treat him as kindly as I would a stranger, but I certainly wouldn't invite or allow him to engage beyond pleasantries. His inability to recognize and appreciate your unique value speaks of his limitations rather than of any deficiency in you. I wouldn't consider his limits as a reflection on me, but rather, I'd consider this year as my tuition paid for a lesson in what I WANT from an equal partner. I'd never again settle for anything less.

 

Head high, you can do this.

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