Is the damage beyond repair?

[Rose Mosse]

I don't think you should be associating with this person. The reason is very low respect for each other and I'm also questioning how much respect you have for yourself. The imbalance is so severe here I'd suspect there's something more off/wrong about you than there is about him. I wouldn't date this person if only for your own sanity. I think you are teetering on the edge here and are also on a type of power trip. This is not healthy.

 

If you really are financially stable and confident in yourself and your abilities, you wouldn't be latching on to this person emotionally. Something in you would recognize that he needs to work more on himself and you are both not at the same level at all. You would understand that it's kinder to let go than to prolong this relationship (I hesitate to even characterize this as a romantic relationship). Let go completely and have some self-respect.

[reinventmyself]

I was married to someone who had a totally different value when it came to their view of money and finances.

The two leading things that will come between a couple is the their differences in sex and money.

 

You shouldn't have to be checking up on him. I do understand in a way that you are gauging to see if his words match the facts. But when you find yourself policing someone, whether it's over money or anything else, that is your queue to bail.

 

The matrix of someones money values run deep. You aren't going to change that.

I am a saver. My ex h is a habitual debtor. I spent 18 years running around putting out fires and within 3 years post divorce, with him left to deal with things on his own, he dug a hole so deep he had to file bankruptcy.

 

I read something after my divorce that I wish I had read prior. - `Based on everything you know, is this someone you would go into business with?' Because living together and running a household is a business.

 

This is who he is. It isn't going to change. You don't trust him for good reason. You either adjust your expectations of him or move on.

 

Policing it isn't going to change it. It's just going to further frustrate the both of you

[Hollyj]

Don't really get why you give a repeat liar multiple chances? Don't waste another six years!

 

You do not trust him. End it.

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend is financially unstable, unreliable and he lies to you not to mention his lack of calmness and composure during arguments.

 

I don't like people who don't put a lid on it whenever they're challenged, questioned or if there are disagreements of any kind because they're showing you how they really are when all is not smooth. Once you know what they're capable of, it's scary and trust is annihilated forever. I've known some people like this in my life which makes me feel extremely wary and jaded. Sure, they're nice during certain times and then their true, inner ugly selves appear such as impulsive, very harsh anger, their unsavory personality, gaslighting nature and psychological pummeling tactics. I've heard and seen it all. I know every trick in the book.

 

If I were you, I'd steer clear of your boyfriend and question yourself whether or not he can provide financial security for your future and if not, perhaps he's not for you. Also, couple-dom is wonderful whenever life is gravy. The true test to one's character is how they react whenever you confront them with anything and how they handle it. Will they shout, yell, scream, throw things, write nasty texts, emails, messages, engage in gaslighting, leave ugly voicemails and will you hear verbal attacks on the phone or in person? Is this fine, tolerable and acceptable to you? Or, will they remain calm, unemotional, respectful, mature and resolve issues like a decent, honorable, very moral human being? It's a poor choice to be with a hot head. I don't like anyone with a temper. Those types of people are loose cannons.

 

Volatile relationships need to be avoided because those types of relationships grow hot and cold. Good one minute and infuriating behavior the next minute. It's not the way to live.

 

Financial security and a harmonious, lovely, respectful relationship are the way to go. Any other way is stressful, frustrating, nerve racking and miserable.

[Suec]

Your boyfriend is financially unstable, unreliable and he lies to you not to mention his lack of calmness and composure during arguments.

I don't like people who don't put a lid on it whenever they're challenged, questioned or if there are disagreements of any kind because they're showing you how they really are when all is not smooth. Once you know what they're capable of, it's scary and trust is annihilated forever. I've known some people like this in my life which makes me feel extremely wary and jaded. Sure, they're nice during certain times and then their true, inner ugly selves appear such as impulsive, very harsh anger, their unsavory personality, gaslighting nature and psychological pummeling tactics. I've heard and seen it all. I know every trick in the book.

 

If I were you, I'd steer clear of your boyfriend and question yourself whether or not he can provide financial security for your future and if not, perhaps he's not for you. Also, couple-dom is wonderful whenever life is gravy. The true test to one's character is how they react whenever you confront them with anything and how they handle it. Will they shout, yell, scream, throw things, write nasty texts, emails, messages, engage in gaslighting, leave ugly voicemails and will you hear verbal attacks on the phone or in person? Is this fine, tolerable and acceptable to you? Or, will they remain calm, unemotional, respectful, mature and resolve issues like a decent, honorable, very moral human being? It's a poor choice to be with a hot head. I don't like anyone with a temper. Those types of people are loose cannons.

 

Volatile relationships need to be avoided because those types of relationships grow hot and cold. Good one minute and infuriating behavior the next minute. It's not the way to live.

 

Financial security and a harmonious, lovely, respectful relationship are the way to go. Any other way is stressful, frustrating, nerve racking and miserable.

 

He proposed to me tonight and said That if we were to get married many of the insecurities will go away because we be living together andMany of the insecurities would go away since we’ve been living together. I told him I was flattered but I remain concerned that we were not compatible in the financial way in terms of responsibility. While I did place blame I said we saw things differently and I didn’t see her lip getting married and living together was going to help that. What should I do?

[Cherylyn]

He proposed to me tonight and said That if we were to get married many of the insecurities will go away because we be living together andMany of the insecurities would go away since we’ve been living together. I told him I was flattered but I remain concerned that we were not compatible in the financial way in terms of responsibility. While I did place blame I said we saw things differently and I didn’t see her lip getting married and living together was going to help that. What should I do?

 

He has a track record of being a liar which is a real deal breaker.

 

Your insecurities will NOT go away. You can't fix broken trust because it is here to stay.

 

Then there is incompatibility regarding financial responsibility.

 

Beware. His financial hardships and / or financial delinquencies become YOUR problems. Sometimes, your credit history is affected negatively, too. Some couples end up in bankruptcy.

 

Tread lightly. You know how your future will play out. It's obviously on shaky ground and unstable.

 

Also, he has a temper. Should you confront him about ANYTHING in the future, he will become furious and do you want that? He's not going to put a lid on his impulsive, angry outbursts. Are you prepared to being on the receiving end of his ire? This is what you're up against. These scenarios are awful.

 

Choose a man who is financially stable, solid and keeps his emotions in check. Choose a man who is calm, peaceful, mature and doesn't explode in anger. I hate men or people who have explosive, impulsive, very bad, immature tempers. They act like spoiled 2 year old brats having a major meltdown.

 

If you don't mind, if you can bite your tongue and look the other way and if you accept him warts and all then accept his marriage proposal and I hope you will live happily ever after with him. If you have any seeds of doubt implanted within the deep recesses of your brain, then think long and hard about either accepting or declining his marriage proposal. This is YOUR life. Don't make rash decisions. Think things through and think about the quality of your life in the future.

 

Do you want an easy life or a marriage made in hell? You decide.

[LootieTootie]

Obviously you don't trust him so why would you want to be with him? Or marry him?

 

Are you afraid of being single? Being lonely? Going through retirement and having no one around? Or you are just hoping one day he lets you control his money and everything will be good?

 

I think the hardest thing for you is actually being honest with yourself.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent, now your credit and finances will be as bad as his.

He proposed to me tonight

[leseine7]

He proposed to me tonight and said That if we were to get married many of the insecurities will go away because we be living together andMany of the insecurities would go away since we’ve been living together. I told him I was flattered but I remain concerned that we were not compatible in the financial way in terms of responsibility. While I did place blame I said we saw things differently and I didn’t see her lip getting married and living together was going to help that. What should I do?

 

You should not marry him.

 

As far as what you should do, well, that's entirely up to you. What sticks out at me throughout this thread is a) consistent lack of trust b) his insecurities and temper c) you were FLATTERED when he proposed. Not overjoyed. Not excited. Not happy. Flattered. After 6 years. d) His financial instability.

 

He wants to marry you because he wants his insecurities to go away. He's insecure because you - whether justifiably or not - judge him for his deep financial troubles and corner him with his lies on a regular basis. He can't make you see him the way he desperately wants to be seen by his partner. No one should ever get married as the solution to a problem.

 

And not that it needs to be said for the umpteenth time, but you should not join forces financially with someone who's finances are in trouble.

[Billie28]

He proposed to me tonight and said That if we were to get married many of the insecurities will go away because we be living together andMany of the insecurities would go away since we’ve been living together. I told him I was flattered but I remain concerned that we were not compatible in the financial way in terms of responsibility. While I did place blame I said we saw things differently and I didn’t see her lip getting married and living together was going to help that. What should I do?

 

What should you do? Say no. Because YOU have issues with him simply being himself that another will be very ok with.

 

Let him and all his positive attributes go.

Hopefully you will meet a man with those same attributes and a healthy bank balance.

[boltnrun]

Want to become legally responsible for any of his debts or unpaid bills? Then go ahead and marry him.