Life in the Driver’s Seat (extended)

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

For sure ! I am so glad he is meeting people and making the effort . He is home now . 

Oh good and I hope he had fun!

[Seraphim]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh good and I hope he had fun!

He did ! 

[Seraphim]

I had a super scary last ride home last night . I brought the last load of stuff and I came home alone . I was about 100 KM from home when this car started to follow me. When going the speed limit cars tend to pass me . This car didn’t . As I said before you don’t see almost anyone at night on these roads. I had seen 5 trucks in 200 KM. This person stuck to my backside like glue his lights lighting the inside of my car he was so close . When I sped up, they sped up. All the really country roads I went to get home they followed right on my tail. I was getting scared after the third side road they followed me to right on my tail. I called my son and he talked to me all the way home and I let him know what roads I was on etc and how far from home . In the last 5 mins before my home I was able to outrun this person. I had been trying to go as fast as my excellent driving skills would take along winding rain soaked country roads. If I didn’t lose this person I was going to drive to the police station in town . My son had the door open and was on the porch  so I could run through the door. 
 

Could have been coincidence but that wasn’t my feeling about the situation. I had dread in the pit of my stomach.

[boltnrun]

I'm glad you're OK. That had to be very unnerving.

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm glad you're OK. That had to be very unnerving.

Same from me. I'm so sorry you went through this and very smart to call your son.

[Seraphim]

It was unnerving for sure . My husband’s cousin’s husband who I will call S told me it was probably someone sticking to me so I hit dear first and not them . Tons of deer and moose up here . 

[Seraphim]

[Seraphim]

I miss my honey so much . 😓

[Seraphim]

Working is really coming along on the house. I have a functioning bathroom upstairs now . The kitchen is partially in and the sink going in today. 
 

We said goodbye to our old house and our march out clean passed with flying colours on Monday. 
 

Saturday we move my mother up . All connections with the South will be less. Our siblings and MIL will be there , my honey will be there another year, just a year I hope . 

[Seraphim]

My husband is doing a course to become a safe ally for LGBTQ plus people in the military. He is a certified contact for peer mental health support and now will be one for peers that are  LGBTQ plus. 

[Seraphim]

Today in 1982 our Charter of Rights and Freedoms and the Constitution Act was signed by Queen Elizabeth II and Trudeau Senior. Before that the British North America Act was our “ Constitution “ . It still is but now there is the Charter and the Constitution Act to work in conjunction with the older body of laws and rights . 

[Seraphim]

The river is going to flood this weekend . We have flood warnings going all the way south. We have had heavy heavy rain this Spring . 

[Seraphim]

Tomorrow our gas goes up by .17 cents a litre to about 1.80 a litre which is over $7 a gallon I believe . I am about to die. Someone and his carbon tax is killing the nation. 

[Seraphim]

Yup, we are at 1.79 a litre today. Bastage. In BC it is well over 2.00 a litre. 
 

I have found that the more confident and less anxious I feel I can now go into public bathrooms and lock the door without seeing spots before my eyes and almost passing out . I have found it doesn’t bother me at all. My brain is changing . For the better . Wow, almost 45 years into recovery and I am still recovering. Some things I don’t think I will ever recover. I didn’t have the life I envisioned. That was stolen in part and decisions in part. We all pay for our decisions. I couldn’t make the most of my intelligence or skills and talents. My life’s potential will never be recovered. My life has and had value . I saved my husband and son from an ugly world . That was my choice to spend my life on them and not myself . Fear and anxiety severely held me back from my potential. I am lucky though to constantly be improving. I was stuck for many decades but I have been very steadily improving for at least 8 years. I think metformin and mirtazapine  have made a massive improvement to my anxiety levels. So much so that very seldom I have bad anxiety anymore . When I do have some I can control it and make it go away. With increasing control and mental calmness I am able to think clearly and not with an over emotional mind. I can have clear boundaries that I can enforce and not feel bad . I was reading some of my responses to people’s threads from over a decade ago and yes, I was writing from emotion. I was commonly overwhelmed. I would say I am 90% less emotional and constantly hurt . 

[itsallgrand]

I totally understand where you are coming from. Recovery from trauma is such a long road. I'm forever grateful to you for sharing over the years and your support. I'm so happy for you for every stride you make. It can all be so bittersweet. You have built a beautiful life filled with love, strength, and achievement and you have been everything for your family. It matters, it means something. And you did it all on hard mode. I'll always be cheering you on even if I live to 98 and have no way of telling you. 

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I totally understand where you are coming from. Recovery from trauma is such a long road. I'm forever grateful to you for sharing over the years and your support. I'm so happy for you for every stride you make. It can all be so bittersweet. You have built a beautiful life filled with love, strength, and achievement and you have been everything for your family. It matters, it means something. And you did it all on hard mode. I'll always be cheering you on even if I live to 98 and have no way of telling you. 

Thank you so so much for your encouragement and support. It means so much to me . ❤️

I don’t feel so dark and unhappy and dead inside. I am starting to really live . I didn’t know what it felt like to not be abused . I was abused in some form from babyhood because my mother was being abused by my dad and then directly emotionally and psychologically abused from toddlerhood/ very early childhood. So I have always been in survival mode until probably the past year. I mean I will always be recovering but it won’t always be so painful or dramatic. 
 

If my life story helps I am always glad to tell it . Silence only helps abusers. I won’t be silent . I refuse . 

[boltnrun]

I'm glad you're doing better and things are going well for you. 

[Seraphim]

On 4/18/2024 at 8:11 PM, boltnrun said:

I'm glad you're doing better and things are going well for you. 

Thanks . 

[Seraphim]

My mom is finally here . We got her moved up here yesterday. 

[Seraphim]

My mom has been here a week. It isn’t horrible but she is a bit invasive. She is always always always talking and talking the same time as other people because she can’t hear even with hearing aids. You have to literally scream at her. She is always asking about things ALL THE TIME, because she is “ curious.” Yeah, no. I just reply with I don’t know , don’t care and not curious. She brings up things to do in the future constantly. I said is it being done today? She says no and I say then I am not discussing it. That it how I control my anxiety. I am not discussing future, period. 

[Seraphim]

She also wants to move the furniture all around to see where it “goes best.” My couches weight 300 pounds because they have foot rests on each end. I said nope. Unless you can lift the sofas we aren’t moving anything. 

[boltnrun]

I hope you and your mom can find a way to manage this situation. IMO there's nothing worse than viewing your own home as a space of stress rather than a safe haven where you feel completely comfortable. 

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I hope you and your mom can find a way to manage this situation. IMO there's nothing worse than viewing your own home as a space of stress rather than a safe haven where you feel completely comfortable. 

She likes to talk way way way more than I do. She will just have to learn we like our quiet time too. 
 

And this “ being curious “ is invasive. It isn’t being curious it is being nosey. 
 

She can be pushy but I guess she will learn she is just part of the crew, not queen bee. I guess it is hard when you have been Queen bee for 59 years. 

[Seraphim]

I guess it is invasive too because it is 4 weeks before her new bedroom set comes and she is sleeping with me in my bed. So there is never time away from her. I am sure she feels the same about me though. She gets up twice at night to pee which wakes me up. She isn’t exactly stealth getting in and out of bed. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I guess it is invasive too because it is 4 weeks before her new bedroom set comes and she is sleeping with me in my bed. So there is never time away from her. I am sure she feels the same about me though. She gets up twice at night to pee which wakes me up. She isn’t exactly stealth getting in and out of bed. 

Can you find another space for now like a mattress on the floor or the sofa? I hope things improve.  I feel for you.