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We started as an affair- how long to wait?!


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Met a guy 6 months ago when we were both having problems in our marriages. My husband & I are now actively going through divorce, & I had a baby in the meantime. His situation is that his relationship w/his wife is like nonexistent (sleeping in different rooms, live on opposite coasts, etc) but they've stayed together for their sons, who are at an age to understand, but he says ultimately he knows the marriage is going to end. He says things are unfolding so positively with us and will end up the way they’re meant to.

 

What our "relationship" is like: we see each other almost every single day when he's not in California (where his wife & sons live). He didn't back away when I got super pregnant or after I delivered. He always encourages me to bring my daughter when we hang out. He will call me immediately if I text that I’m having some kind of problem (work, baby-related, etc) and spend time talking it out w/me. He is always, always the one to make plans, including a day trip to a beach a few hours away this weekend. We only started having sex very recently. It’s amazing but he continues to ask me out on dates instead of letting that be the focus.

 

I don't want to be the girl giving an ultimatum, but I feel at some point this has to be defined. He says I am the only person with whom he has a romantic relationship & the only person he’d even be interested in. What do I do? It is a HUGE deal to leave his wife after 10+ years when it’d upset his boys at a formative age so much. They hardly even see each other.

 

It’s just been a really long time (1/2 a year) of us talking daily and going out lots of places, before we ever started sleeping together, for me to believe that he doesn’t care about me and isn’t considering leaving a bad marriage situation. But I also know that it’s no small thing to do so I’m just trying to figure out how long is reasonable to actually expect him to uproot his whole life for me. When I Talk about dating other people he gets upset. I’ll say he has no room to talk when he’s still married, and he says they are married only as a business arrangement & for access to the kids.

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My question wasn’t whether I think the person is worth it, but how long is reasonable before starting to date other people. Bc he gets bothered when I mention that bc he said I’m the only person He's in a romantic relationship with.

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My question wasn’t whether I think the person is worth it, but how long is reasonable before starting to date other people. Bc he gets bothered when I mention that bc he said I’m the only person He's in a romantic relationship with.

 

Can you say double standard? He goes home and plays house with this family, yet gets upset at the thought you might date others? If he was any kind of respectful person he would have ended his marriage before he got involved. .but seeing that didn't happen, he should free you to the extent that he is, to come and go and live a life separate from him, just as he does. Keeping you in a box on his terms is selfish.

 

You don't want to upset the kids, but you do so at your expense. That's not being generous. It's called being a martyr.

You give an ultimatum for you. The kids being upset is 100% his cross to bear, not yours. He should have considered that before he created another family unit on a different coast.

 

You conveniently use this as an excuse to not upset anything. Why doesn't he upset things? Because what he's doing works for him and you've taught him you'll tolerate it.

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Time has no meaning.

 

He wants to keep the arrangement as is.

 

You want more and are considering dating other people because you aren't actually happy in this situation.

 

But you are moving quite fast away from the divorce and the baby that underlies you may be trying to date as a way to feel better about other things that are going on inside you.

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Ok. So is it reasonable to ask him if he actually has any intention of getting separated and in what time frame and then saying I’ll have no choice but to move on if that time comes & goes?

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Ok. So is it reasonable to ask him if he actually has any intention of getting separated and in what time frame and then saying I’ll have no choice but to move on if that time comes & goes?

 

Do you really think he's going to tell you he's staying with his wife? He's already told you he's leaving `soon'. I'll bet my paycheck you'll hear more of the same. Soon has come and gone. But if you need to confirm it, I agree with pinning him to an end date. If he can't keep the date, you are moving on.

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People were just giving opinions on whether we would end up

Together. I just wanted to know how long seems reasonable before expecting him to do the huge life changing thing of ending a long marriage.

 

A heck of a lot longer than the 6 months you've been talking. If you feel like that is "a really long time", you ain't seen nothing yet.

 

The chances that he's actually going to leave his marriage for you are extremely slim. You need to recognize that first. And if does end up leaving, it probably won't be done and truly over with for at least a couple years. Minimum. He would have to deal with the emotional and logistical fall-out of actually telling her he's leaving, going through the separation and moving out process, filing for divorce, establishing custody and so on. This is all assuming he doesn't try to work things out with his wife sometime in there, which often happens when D-Day finally arrives.

 

He's saying all kinds of pretty things to you now because affairs thrive in fantasy and secrecy and the thrill of the forbidden. It's fun because it isn't a real relationship. Don't be surprised if he totally changes his tune with you if the affair is discovered, or if he manages to end his marriage without his wife ever finding out. The majority of affairs don't turn into long-term relationships, because once the excitement and thrill is gone, the cheater frequently loses interest too. Remember that as you continue to put yourself on hold for this guy.

 

As for how long you should wait? Well, you shouldn't wait at all. You should move on now. But since you aren't planning to do so, understand that it will be a long wait.

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Ok. So is it reasonable to ask him if he actually has any intention of getting separated and in what time frame and then saying I’ll have no choice but to move on if that time comes & goes?

 

It's reasonable to tell him in no uncertain terms what you really are looking for, and saying buh bye if he can't meet those expectations.

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A heck of a lot longer than the 6 months you've been talking. If you feel like that is "a really long time", you ain't seen nothing yet.

 

The chances that he's actually going to leave his marriage for you are extremely slim. You need to recognize that first. And if does end up leaving, it probably won't be done and truly over with for at least a couple years. Minimum. He would have to deal with the emotional and logistical fall-out of actually telling her he's leaving, going through the separation and moving out process, filing for divorce, establishing custody and so on. This is all assuming he doesn't try to work things out with his wife sometime in there, which often happens when D-Day finally arrives.

 

Hm. This is what I’m getting at. Would I move on if a boyfriend wasn’t ready to talk marriage (let alone actually propose) after 6 months? No. You just go by the possibility that he may want those things someday. And any time I ask this guy if he could see us actually being together & him divorced it’s a yes. So to me it seems half fair to date others in meantime, but half not because if there’s no one I’d prefer to be with right now, then why aren’t I taking any leap of faith?

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People were just giving opinions on whether we would end up

Together. I just wanted to know how long seems reasonable before expecting him to do the huge life changing thing of ending a long marriage.

 

I don't think a woman (the "other" woman) should ever expect her married lover to end his marriage.

 

If he does, and wants to move forward with you once divorce is final, great. But don't expect it, because the chances of it ever happening are pretty slim, no matter what he's "telling" you.

 

And confronting him about it? You may as well kiss your affair goodbye once you start doing that.

 

If you're unhappy with the current state of affairs (no pun intended), then end the affair.

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He has his wife and his children, if he ever changes his mind and still wants her and his family. And he has you on the line.

 

You're divorcing and will be fully available to him with no worries of other men around as you seem to be at his beck and call.

 

Why would he ever change any of it?

 

I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but if this man was serious at all he would be in the middle of divorce proceedings right now.

 

He's all talk but no action and if you were to push it, I think he'd tell you goodbye.

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Do you really think he's going to tell you he's staying with his wife? He's already told you he's leaving `soon'. I'll bet my paycheck you'll hear more of the same. Soon has come and gone. But if you need to confirm it, I agree with pinning him to an end date. If he can't keep the date, you are moving on.

 

Yupper. He'll never admit that he plans to stay with his wife. He will only deny it. Why? Because it's easy. As long as he keeps saying he's going to leave her, you'll keep hanging around. So, you'd better set a deadline, and you'd better get ready to move on.

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Yupper. He'll never admit that he plans to stay with his wife. He will only deny it. Why? Because it's easy. As long as he keeps saying he's going to leave her, you'll keep hanging around. So, you'd better set a deadline, and you'd better get ready to move on.

 

Well I agree. But it seems unrealistic to have a “deadline” now or anytime within, like, the first year because you certainly wouldn’t have that deadline for a boyfriend to want to propose or get married. Leaving family is a serious step like those. I mean, I got divorced somewhat for him... it can be done

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Life events muddied by unseemly acts rarely turn out well. You are expecting a baby, presumably with your unsuspecting husband--divorcing or not. Plus there are other children involved. No thought to his wife either, eh?

 

If I were to suggest anything it would be stop this nonsense, expect nothing more than negativity by being involved with this man.

 

Take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, "am I doing right by me and my family by continuing this affair?"

 

If you conclude that you are not? Start living a good life that nurtures your family.

 

If you must have romance in your life, then wait until after the baby is born and get individual counseling to sharpen your moral fiber and ability to choose wisely.

 

Stay away from this guy or any other married man.

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Hm. This is what I’m getting at. Would I move on if a boyfriend wasn’t ready to talk marriage (let alone actually propose) after 6 months? No. You just go by the possibility that he may want those things someday. And any time I ask this guy if he could see us actually being together & him divorced it’s a yes. So to me it seems half fair to date others in meantime, but half not because if there’s no one I’d prefer to be with right now, then why aren’t I taking any leap of faith?

 

This is an extremely flawed comparison. I would assume that the boyfriend in your scenario wouldn't already have a wife. The "boyfriend" in this situation isn't even available to date you in any real sense, let alone contemplate marriage. You are attempting to draw parallels between two vastly different situations.

 

You have to stop naively assuming everything this guy tells you is true, too. There is no way for you to know what life is like at home with his wife. No way for you to know if he's truly in such a dead marriage. As such, you cannot take him seriously when he says he sees you in his future. He will tell people what they want to hear. That's how he's managed to keep this all a secret. He tells his wife whatever he needs to say to hide this. You are fooling yourself if you believe he's not doing the same to you.

 

Go ahead and give him an expiration date if you wish. But be prepared to walk away when he doesn't budge on ending his marriage. It is unlikely he'll give it all up for a long-distance woman with a little baby who he's only known for 6 months.

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But it's easy for you to use the excuse 'that if it were a boyfriend you wouldn't be expecting a deadline.' because I think on some level you know he's not serious about you...at least not to that degree.

 

No doubt he enjoys spending time with you but he's not interested in giving you an actual commitment.

 

He likes having his wife in the picture and you on the side.

 

You and he aren't dating...you're having an affair. What happened between you was cheating. If there was anything more to it than that, he'd be divorcing too.

 

I can't see it happening. You can wait but I think you're kidding yourself.

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Well I agree. But it seems unrealistic to have a “deadline” now or anytime within, like, the first year because you certainly wouldn’t have that deadline for a boyfriend to want to propose or get married.

 

But this isn't that sort of situation. This is a deadline for you to be able to move on with your life. If you stay with him, you're always going to have to tack an additional two years (at least) onto any timeline you have for your plans because he is married and therefore encumbered.

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The only time he will leave his wife is when the kids are off to college and she agrees to it. Divorce and sharing custody etc is more expensive and complicated...men don't like that. They like things to be as simple as possible because they don't like to dwell on so many details. He likes this simple arrangement you have. He has his life, you have yours. He doesn't have to change a thing. This is where it's going to be for a long time. I bet money on it after another 6 months, the honeymoon phase will end and he will just lose interest in the affair and keep giving you excuses.

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