LDR gone horribly wrong. Feel I could’ve done things different.

[NickOrtiz]

 

You don’t get it... The women in my area tend to be very stuck up and generally after money. Or somebody in the “in” crowd as high school as it sounds.

 

 

And wiseman yes I work, no I don’t live with my parents.

[Tinydance]

I personally think you dodged a bullet here. I think this woman does not sound emotionally stable and sounds like she has a lot of issues. Possibly even some mental health issues. Sounds to me a bit like she could potentially have a personality disorder, but I'm not a doctor and not do I actually know her.

 

The fact that she told you that she had been engaged MANY times and that many of her relationships were short is definitely not a good sign. She sounds like someone emotionally unstable and immature who just rushes to get engaged straight away. Most people have not been engaged that many times at that age because they would only get engaged to someone they have a solid relationship with for a significant amount of time. And also the fact that she told you she was always "the bad guy" dumping people. I mean, first she wants to get engaged to basically everyone then she just dumps all of them? Sounds like very unhealthy behaviour.

 

In my opinion she was acting quite weird online too. She had never even met you in person at all and she already introduced you to her mother and also got you involved with her kids. She was talking about all these future plans with you like you were in a really serious relationship, but you had never even met each other! That sounds very over the top and not normal to me.

 

Sorry but I find it very hard to believe that all the women in your area "suck and are stuck up". Have you honestly tried to date that many women in your area? ALL women in your area surely can't be stuck up. I think you're just scared to actually have a relationship in real life, so you prefer to carry on a fantasy online relationship.

[Gary Snyder]

You spent a lot of money to meet a woman for the first time, and it did not work out. This happens a lot. Plus, most long distance relationships don't work out.

 

I would suggest dating locally.

[Hollyj]

You don’t get it... The women in my area tend to be very stuck up and generally after money. Or somebody in the “in” crowd as high school as it sounds.

 

 

And wiseman yes I work, no I don’t live with my parents.

 

Every woman in your area? I do not believe that for a second. I think that you need to change your attitude, as it sucks.

 

You need to get your act together with you finances and living situation. That should come before dating! Would you want to date you at this point? Have you considered furthering your education?

[NickOrtiz]

I don’t know what the deal is with that... I just thought at first hey sometimes things don’t work out. Then when she described in detail what happened because she felt she constantly needed that “excitement”, I began to wonder and hope it wasn’t a pattern and that I wasn’t next.

 

Part of me was thinking instability was the case... but I was really praying it wasn’t.

 

And at least the ones I’ve seen and approached, yes. Where I live almost everybody knows everybody. It feels like high school. Very hypergamous, not that I’m really that low on the scale. I mean I support myself and make a decent salary that I can live relatively comfortably on, but I don’t know.

[Wiseman2]

There are a lot of one-and-done in online dating, just chalk it up to a bad date/hookup. Get a good profile and some good recent photos on a quality (paid) dating app and try dating locally.

 

Just keep it simple. Message a couple times, plan to meet for a low-key coffee, determine if you have in-person chemistry and then either ask for a second date or say good bye and move forward.

[bluecastle]

I personally think you dodged a bullet here. I think this woman does not sound emotionally stable and sounds like she has a lot of issues.

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

I get that you're a little let down by the local options. But dude? This whole thing is kind of like an episode from Black Mirror. The woman you spent a year talking to on a screen? Well, it took about two hours for you to realize she didn't exist in reality. And that, really, should be the beginning and end of this saga.

 

Most people condense an experience like this into a few days, when they match with someone on a dating app, have a promising back and forth, but then a dud of a date. That's kind of all this was, much I know that stings to accept. Because what you got once you left the land of pixels for the wilds of IRL? You got a woman who from the very beginning might as well have had a neon sign above her head reading "Run in the opposite direction—and fast."

 

The droning on about exes—snooze. The wanting you to affirm for her own children that she is "cool"—cringe. The multiple engagements, two marriages, and monologue about being the "bad guy"—oof. No wonder you were reaching for the Viagra. If the head on your shoulders had gotten a little twisted up, the one between your legs was thinking clearly in standing down. The little guy (or, per your own pride, not so little) saw this whole thing clear as day.

 

Problem with all this critical analysis of her? Well, we wouldn't be able to make it if you hadn't engaged in some pretty weird behavior yourself. Meeting the mom and kids online? Bad angle digital sex stuff? That's all good if you're into some kink and fantasy, but don't mistake kink and fantasy for reality. Before the internet men went into basements and put quarters into peep show booths for this experience; the unstable ones "fell in love" with the woman behind the curtain. The internet, sadly, has made it possible for a lot more men to become those kinds of dudes without realizing it. But that's the cold reality of this experience: very close to the land of basement peep shows, very far from the land of relationships.

 

You don't want to be that sort of dude. You sound like a good guy. So chalk this up as a weird story—though not one you tell on future dates!—and a lesson about the perils of pixilated romance. If you're so hellbent on writing off local women—well, you can move. But this is not the solution—not with her, or anyone. People willing to go this far over screens are not stable, which is to say you have a little unstable cluster of cells that could use some attention. I know that's not the takeaway you want here, but I think it's the healthiest, the truest.

[NickOrtiz]

Money I’m okay on right now, but of course there’s always room for improvement... As far as education, I spent so much time and money in school I can’t bear the thought of sitting in a classroom again.

 

And I mean I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t date me though I don’t like tooting my own horn. I’m not the perfect but I’m not the worst. Again there’s always room for improvement. I’m not gonna pull an Elliot Rodger or these other jerkoff “nice guys” and be like “I’m the supreme gentleman, I’m magnificent, blah blah.” I got my flaws like everybody else.

[Hollyj]

I thought you said you had lost your living situation, that is why I made the comment.

 

How about neighboring communities? I am suggesting something that does not require a flight, and someone you can see on a weekly basis.

 

As Blue said, DO NOT tell anyone about this situation.

[NickOrtiz]

My thoughts exactly.

 

I get that you're a little let down by the local options. But dude? This whole thing is kind of like an episode from Black Mirror. The woman you spent a year talking to on a screen? Well, it took about two hours for you to realize she didn't exist in reality. And that, really, should be the beginning and end of this saga.

 

Most people condense an experience like this into a few days, when they match with someone on a dating app, have a promising back and forth, but then a dud of a date. That's kind of all this was, much I know that stings to accept. Because what you got once you left the land of pixels for the wilds of IRL? You got a woman who from the very beginning might as well have had a neon sign above her head reading "Run in the opposite direction—and fast."

 

The droning on about exes—snooze. The wanting you to affirm for her own children that she is "cool"—cringe. The multiple engagements, two marriages, and monologue about being the "bad guy"—oof. No wonder you were reaching for the Viagra. If the head on your shoulders had gotten a little twisted up, the one between your legs was thinking clearly in standing down. The little guy (or, per your own pride, not so little) saw this whole thing clear as day.

 

Problem with all this critical analysis of her? Well, we wouldn't be able to make it if you hadn't engaged in some pretty weird behavior yourself. Meeting the mom and kids online? Bad angle digital sex stuff? That's all good if you're into some kink and fantasy, but don't mistake kink and fantasy for reality. Before the internet men went into basements and put quarters into peep show booths for this experience; the unstable ones "fell in love" with the woman behind the curtain. The internet, sadly, has made it possible for a lot more men to become those kinds of dudes without realizing it. But that's the cold reality of this experience: very close to the land of basement peep shows, very far from the land of relationships.

 

You don't want to be that sort of dude. You sound like a good guy. So chalk this up as a weird story—though not one you tell on future dates!—and a lesson about the perils of pixilated romance. If you're so hellbent on writing off local women—well, you can move. But this is not the solution—not with her, or anyone. People willing to go this far over screens are not stable, which is to say you have a little unstable cluster of cells that could use some attention. I know that's not the takeaway you want here, but I think it's the healthiest, the truest.

 

 

Lmaooo. ****ing Black Mirror. At least they KNEW when it was gonna end. I wouldn’t have spent as much money as I did on dinner. I would’ve been like “Nah fam, you got two hours left, we’re going to McDonalds.”

 

And I mean I didn’t think too much of meeting her mom because we had been involved before... Putting my picture in a frame kind of caught me by surprise. I was like “She really did this...?” And I mean I get it was a little far fetched but I felt what I thought was a connection. I was attracted to her and we seemed to have a good thing starting but... I don’t know.

 

And trust me, “that” is not my pride. After what happened I’d sooner trade what I have for a more compact model. Haa-ha...

[NickOrtiz]

As Blue said, DO NOT tell anyone about this situation.

 

Well yeah I know that. I’d just say I had a long distance thing that for a number of reasons on both ends didn’t work out. Nothing too far in detail but still being honest.

 

And I mean as far as neighboring communities there’s many events within one to two hours but I really don’t have anybody to go with (my friends live far from me and are usually busy on weekends) and I’m gonna end up being that guy going by myself... That’s not to say I’d go to specifically meet women; I’d go to meet people and whatever and see what’s going on. If there’s somebody there, then great.

[Hollyj]

Well yeah I know that. I’d just say I had a long distance thing that for a number of reasons on both ends didn’t work out. Nothing too far in detail but still being honest.

 

And I mean as far as neighboring communities there’s many events within one to two hours but I really don’t have anybody to go with (my friends live far from me and are usually busy on weekends) and I’m gonna end up being that guy going by myself... That’s not to say I’d go to specifically meet women; I’d go to meet people and whatever and see what’s going on. If there’s somebody there, then great.

 

Don't say anything. There is no reason for it. If a love interest told me a fraction of this story, I would be turned off. It displays very poor judgement and drama seeking.

[bluecastle]

Lmaooo.

 

Boom, there it is—the beginning and end. You walked down the steps to the peep show and surfaced a year later. We all go down some weird roads to find the way to the clearer roads. Happens. All good. Make that the story, because it is the story.

 

You want a different story, I get it. And you'll find that—just not with her and not like this.

 

This was not a "long distance thing." This was a "cyber thing." Nothing to be ashamed about, but nothing to be defined by, and nothing to put in the box of the attic where you store your "relationship" memories.

[NickOrtiz]

Well I wouldn’t just say it like “Oh yeah I just got out of such and such.” I meant if I was asked... In general I hate talking about my history or my partner’s history though. When she did it and asked me about mine, it started to put me off.

[Hollyj]

well i wouldn’t just say it like “oh yeah i just got out of such and such.” i meant if i was asked... In general i hate talking about my history or my partner’s history though. When she did it and asked me about mine, it started to put me off.

 

Don't say anything! Did you come here for advice, or not?

[reinventmyself]

I personally think you dodged a bullet here. I think this woman does not sound emotionally stable and sounds like she has a lot of issues. Possibly even some mental health issues. Sounds to me a bit like she could potentially have a personality disorder, but I'm not a doctor and not do I actually know her.

 

The fact that she told you that she had been engaged MANY times and that many of her relationships were short is definitely not a good sign. She sounds like someone emotionally unstable and immature who just rushes to get engaged straight away. Most people have not been engaged that many times at that age because they would only get engaged to someone they have a solid relationship with for a significant amount of time. And also the fact that she told you she was always "the bad guy" dumping people. I mean, first she wants to get engaged to basically everyone then she just dumps all of them? Sounds like very unhealthy behaviour.

 

In my opinion she was acting quite weird online too. She had never even met you in person at all and she already introduced you to her mother and also got you involved with her kids. She was talking about all these future plans with you like you were in a really serious relationship, but you had never even met each other! That sounds very over the top and not normal to me.

 

But he was attracted to all of this.

We are only as healthy as the company we keep.

 

Dissecting her behavior only serves some purpose.

 

The real lesson here is figuring out why he was ready to move his life for all of this in the first place.

[NickOrtiz]

I was attracted to what I thought I saw. I didn’t realize the hazard of how fast things were moving until later on...

 

I just felt like... (a) she was there when I was going through my transition, so it felt good to have somebody there. And I know what you’re gonna say I’m depending on people for happiness etc, but you can’t say you haven’t gotten comfort from at least somebody in a rough time whoever it may have been. Mom, guidance counselor, the janitor, whoever. We lifted each other up (no pun intended).

 

(b) Again I’m not one to depend, but it felt good to have somebody (and two kids) in my corner. And somebody to come home to and talk about my day with so to speak.

 

© My lifestyle is hard to explain. I’m a competitive athlete and so was she, so it felt good to have somebody that understood the rigidness of the lifestyle and all that it entails. The strict dieting, training, etc. Plus it was nice to have somebody I can share and enjoy it with. I mean I’m not asking for much here.

 

(d) She made me laugh.

 

This was what I thought I saw, anyway...

[Hollyj]

I was attracted to what I thought I saw. I didn’t realize the hazard of how fast things were moving until later on...

 

I just felt like... (a) she was there when I was going through my transition, so it felt good to have somebody there. And I know what you’re gonna say I’m depending on people for happiness etc, but you can’t say you haven’t gotten comfort from at least somebody in a rough time whoever it may have been. Mom, guidance counselor, the janitor, whoever. We lifted each other up (no pun intended).

 

(b) Again I’m not one to depend, but it felt good to have somebody (and two kids) in my corner. And somebody to come home to and talk about my day with so to speak.

 

© My lifestyle is hard to explain. I’m a competitive athlete and so was she, so it felt good to have somebody that understood the rigidness of the lifestyle and all that it entails. The strict dieting, training, etc. Plus it was nice to have somebody I can share and enjoy it with. I mean I’m not asking for much here.

 

(d) She made me laugh.

 

This was what I thought I saw, anyway...

 

The comfort came from a stranger.

 

You did not share it, as she lived 1000 miles away.

 

Do you have many friends?

[NickOrtiz]

Not a lot that live near me. In general I have a small circle.

[reinventmyself]

Not a lot that live near me. In general I have a small circle.

 

Let that be a goal for you. To enrich and expand your life so you don't feel so vulnerable. You sought comfort from a virtual stranger, who in turn took you down the wrong path and left you there.

When your life is full, you'll make better choices.

[katrina1980]

Yeah, I guess... Another thing was that her relationships aside from her first marriage (with the children, she constantly bashes the father) her relationships never lasted a year, some even a month. Her second marriage ended within four months, when the ex husband supposedly threw his hands up one day and said “I can’t do this anymore!”

 

Nick, you keep referring to this as a "long distance relationship," this was a "cyber" relationship, you two had not even met!

 

The reason why those other RLs didn't work was because they were "in person" relationships and she got bored. She said herself she needed "excitement" and had a tendency to end things when the excitement stopped.

 

Your "cyber" RL was exciting precisely because it was a cyber relationship! NOT in person. It was a huge fantasy for an entire year and fantasies are exciting!!

 

Once you met in person, even though initially she may have been excited to meet you after a year, all the problems that went down sent her straight into "reality," and as such her excitement dwindled and now she's gone.

 

But even if those problems had not occurred, she still would have left, because once you met in person the image she had a you for an entire year, the fantasy, was over. Replaced by the reality of the "real" you and for some people "real" is just never as exciting as "fantasy."

 

Continue no contact Nick, and vow to never wait an entire year to meet someone you've met on line. If there is a distance, ideally a few weeks tops. But definitely not an entire year.

 

I can't say you wasted a year cause hopefully you learned something valuable to take with you into your next relationship.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

[saluk]

I was attracted to what I thought I saw. I didn’t realize the hazard of how fast things were moving until later on...

 

I just felt like... (a) she was there when I was going through my transition, so it felt good to have somebody there. And I know what you’re gonna say I’m depending on people for happiness etc, but you can’t say you haven’t gotten comfort from at least somebody in a rough time whoever it may have been. Mom, guidance counselor, the janitor, whoever. We lifted each other up (no pun intended).

 

(b) Again I’m not one to depend, but it felt good to have somebody (and two kids) in my corner. And somebody to come home to and talk about my day with so to speak.

 

© My lifestyle is hard to explain. I’m a competitive athlete and so was she, so it felt good to have somebody that understood the rigidness of the lifestyle and all that it entails. The strict dieting, training, etc. Plus it was nice to have somebody I can share and enjoy it with. I mean I’m not asking for much here.

 

(d) She made me laugh.

 

This was what I thought I saw, anyway...

 

1. There have to be other female athletes who can make you laugh who are a lot closer.

2. You were considering moving for her and don't seem too happy with your current area or dating prospects there.

3. Have you considered moving somewhere for you? Somewhere with an active athletic community you can join to further your hobby, where you might meet those with like minds?

[katrina1980]

 

There have to be other female athletes who can make you laugh who are a lot closer.

 

My guess is he was intrigued with this girl precisely because she was long distance.

 

And he too, like her, created this fantasy image that's just never as intriguing as reality for some people.

 

Which dating local girls would be, obviously. Less intriguing perhaps even repulsive to him.

 

OP, it's not the woman, it's you.

 

Look within to find the answer, cause it's there, I promise you.

[Wiseman2]

This is the main reason to get on better dating apps and find better opportunities to find women you can meet in person in a timely fashion. It avoids building up a fantasy in your mind with too much cyber contact that comes to a crashing halt when you finally meet in person.

what I thought I saw.

[NickOrtiz]

It’s not that they’re repulsive, I just know what I’ve seen (so far anyway). Everybody— well maybe not everybody, most people within my age range and even hers (which was never too big a deal to me; 95% of women I’ve been involved with have been in her range) here gossip, etc., and it’s very hypergamous here. Like I said you have to pretty much be a top dawg out here. I don’t know how to describe it....

 

And to be honest, after this and multiple bad experiences I want absolutely nothing to do with meeting women online. It ends in nothing but a show. They’ve got other options, to be fair so do I, and I find from experience too much texting ruins everything. Real life becomes stale and we run out of things to say. I dunno how I’m gonna communicate outside of dates, maybe phone calls but even that’ll get monotonous... Thing is it sucks that there’s more work in approaching people but the hell with it, it’s either that or an endless cycle.