New guy went on vacation with soon-to-be ex-wife

[purplepaisley]

This wouldn't sit well with me at all. Even though you haven't been going out very long, and he really doesn't owe you anything, there's a level of dishonesty of not disclosing this pretty major piece of information. He didn't say anything because he knew very well how it would come across, which is not good. I really don't believe that this is just a friendly vacation. Given the timing, I get it. Two months ago, he didn't know he would meet you or anyone, and hey, why not? But I just can't see a once-married (still married) couple who are amicable enough to vacation together to not still harbor feelings and certainly fall into bed when they are in dream-land and away from the "real world" for a couple weeks. Even if they are purely platonic, it's a big pill to swallow that your BF/GF is "best buds" with an ex.

 

He may be separated, but he's not separated enough. I also agree with "maew" - there are so many phases to the process. He could be in a honeymoon phase of freedom from a bad marriage and 6 months from now hit a crash and burn...having to do everything by themselves, no companionship, the reality of the split really hitting them hard, the ugly words said, betrayal, etc. Of course there are no guarantees, so whether divorced or separated, you take your chances. For a lot of people, by the time the separation occurs, the marriage ended a long time ago, but they're still married, and there are still bumps. Proceed with caution.

 

Sorry about this awakening. I don't think I would continue dating him. Someone isn't over the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

It's been less than 30 days of dating, cut your losses. He's still too involved.

Hi, I've been dating a guy over the past month. I never asked him who he was going with nor did he volunteer the information.

[IAmFCA]

Even if all is as he says, separate room, just friends, he's sorry he didn't tell you etc. I'd still run. I'm a guy, ex or not put me in a hotel with someone I've had sex with and... Hey why not a friendly you know what...

 

There's simply too many fish in the sea to try and catch and keep one that has so many issues early on.

 

This. ^^

 

I like to make my decisions based on taking someone at their word and by their actions. There is always conjecture as to the real truth, but that is a slippery slope i choose to avoid.

 

So, let's assume he is 100% truthful.

 

Why did they take this vacation together? Why didn't one of them go and bring a friend, say, presuming they couldn't cancel it altogether?

 

Lets say they were frugal, couldn't change airfare, and the hotel was oddly also inflexible. Even if that were the case -- does that mean they knew they were going on vacation longer than they knew they were going to separate? If so, this break up is way too fresh... unless you are up for being a rebound or a casual distraction.

 

And if you were up for the rebound/distraction scenario, be aware you are involved with someone whose emotions are running high, whose been out of the dating scene, and whose needs are great and also evolving. Someone who is likely to act like a committed relationship because that's the language that is most familiar, but disappear every now and again because divorce is exhausting.

 

Given the foregoing, I'd pass every time, no matter the details of the vacation.

[Billie28]

I’m going to assume here OP that you live in Europe? Because not many outside of Europe go on a trip to Amsterdam only. They would be doing a European trip.

 

In which case it seems bizarre to me that they would book a trip there (1-3hr flight) that’s a cheap airfare a year in advance?! No one in Europe has ever done that! Because it’s not necessary.

 

And since his divorce is several months away I’m assuming they have only been separated a few months, so not long before he met you.

 

Separating costs money as does divorce so if they were being frugal with money , it would make more sense financially to cut their losses on the airfare and get refunded the hotel room , rather than spending extra money on a second room and the added cost of spending money.

 

I would have almost believed him if he said seperate beds not seperate rooms as most double rooms also have a single bed.

 

In saying all of that, he is I doubt exclusively dating you after a few weeks of dating, so, no , he had no obligation to disclose who he was going with. And he didn’t expect that you would snoop his fb and subsequently his ex wife’s fb.

 

I wish you had posted here before sending the email to him , because I’m pretty sure everyone would have advised you not to send it. I mean what good did it do??

Now he has got all the time in the world to concoct an elaborate story.

I would have advised you to not contact him while he is on holiday , wait and see if he contacts you on his return (which he may or may not have depending how he got on with his wife) and if he did, ask face to face who he went with?

You would have found out then how much of a liar he is or isn’t?

 

Anyway not much you can do now. He knows you have trust issues and are inclined to snoop even though you barely know him.

 

What are you going to do?

[figureitout23]

Great post Billie, can’t give kudos

[Rose Mosse]

I'd go with your initial emotions and instincts on it which seem to be negative: hurt and disappointed. There's no point rationalizing it if you just don't feel good about it. It's far too early to be doing that. I personally wouldn't even go so far as to judge him as a person because it's so new (only a month in). Take it with a grain of salt and consider yourself warned and officially in the dating realm! Not everyone will see things the same as you and approach things the same way, even less will be as ready to date as you. Filter as you go.

 

As an aside, I let go of a ticket from Vancouver to west Ireland once which was non-refundable and fairly expensive(mostly the type of tickets booked). I wouldn't judge on behalf of anyone else's personal circumstances or what they're going through emotionally but I just couldn't do it and it was a similar situation (break up occurring after a planned trip). I paid for all of it and he went anyway. I went on another trip on my own solo in the other direction, warmer islands. Listen to your instincts and trust yourself if this isn't a good situation for you. There are plenty of dates out there.

[Sportster2005]

An omission of facts can be a lie.

 

This doesn't pass the smell test. You'll never know all the facts. He's already hiding them from you. If I was in a similar situation I think I would look elsewhere. Especially with only a month invested.