Facebook Relationship Status

[nutbrownhare]

The Facebook status is just a symptom of a much deeper rift between you. He doesn't respect you, or your relationship, enough to delete his dating profile... I found a very effective way to deal with this was to wish the other person all the best, whoever they meet... and then walk.

 

Carrying on in a relationship where you are much more invested than the other person will have a devastating effect on your self esteem and confidence generally. You have different values to his, and there's no point in trying to change him, or in rationalising your fears and lack of trust and trying to pretend they're not there. Acceptance is very important in a relationship, and this doesn't mean that you sit there and 'accept' a whole pile of stuff that makes you eat your heart out - but that you accept the reality of the situation and take care of yourself accordingly.

[FraniMar22]

Thanks everyone for all the comments. I think the hardest thing here is not so much the Facebook status. I didn't want to appear so juvenile about that, but it is part of the overall problem. Aside from the things that are not making sense to me, he treats me very well. He's very attentive, we are in constant contact all day long. He lives a bit of a distance, so I go to his apartment on the weekends. He cooks dinner, he's very affectionate, sex life is fantastic. He's talked about us moving in together eventually when my son moves on after college, talks about future plans. So, I don't get it. I'm very attentive to him, keep myself nice so as to keep his interest, and we have alot of things in common. I should also mention the fact that he has been diagnosed with lymphoma and has been doing chemo for the last few months. He's on his next to last treatment, his prognosis is very good, but it's been rough on him. He's also shared alot about his past to me. He's had several long term relationships, has been cheated on several times. I'm just shocked that he would want to do that to someone else. One last item -- it is an interracial relationship. I am white, he is black. So, of course that comes with its own set of problems due to public opinion.

 

So, with all that being said to add more info to the situation, any more thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

FB will be making some significant changes due to privacy scrutiny. That may mean Likes won't be visible except to the page owner. Be smart and live your life in real time. Who cares who you try to impress on an ancient social media people are exiting in droves? Save FB for close friends and family. Date in person and gauge things that way.

[Hollyj]

FB is the least of her problems

[FraniMar22]

FB is the least of her problems

 

I'm not sure what that means ...

[katrina1980]

I'm not sure what that means ...

 

She means this: At least in part. But also why you would choose this for yourself too.

 

 

The Facebook status is just a symptom of a much deeper rift between you. He doesn't respect you, or your relationship, enough to delete his dating profile... I found a very effective way to deal with this was to wish the other person all the best, whoever they meet... and then walk.

 

 

To which I wholeheartedly agree.

[reinventmyself]

Just curious. A year and half and something keeps you there.

We get what you don't like but what is it about this relationship that is redeeming to you?

Because ultimately people will be together because they want to, not because they have too.

 

You can shut down the FB and use all sorts of titles, but in the end what happens between the two of that creates the desire to still be together, a year and half later?

 

For me, if we aren't both all in, I'll wish you well and show you the door. It's that simple.

 

Lastly, you suspect he's talking to women on FB. What proof or indication do you have that it's so?

[FraniMar22]

Just curious. A year and half and something keeps you there.

We get what you don't like but what is it about this relationship that is redeeming to you?

Because ultimately people will be together because they want to, not because they have too.

 

You can shut down the FB and use all sorts of titles, but in the end what happens between the two of that creates the desire to still be together, a year and half later?

 

For me, if we aren't both all in, I'll wish you well and show you the door. It's that simple.

 

Lastly, you suspect he's talking to women on FB. What proof or indication do you have that it's so?

 

Honestly, the relationship was perfect until a month or two ago. Felt like we were both all in, got along really well, completely attracted to one another, talk and see each other constantly. I'm not sure what one thing sparked my insecurities, but they have really gotten the best of me. I guess my suspicions about him talking to other women on Facebook came from me seeing him like other women's pictures. I really have no proof of it. As far as the stupid FB status, people are liking and commenting on it left and right and he's pretty much ignoring it. I know it's a little thing, but it truly is bothering me. I feel like he doesn't want anyone knowing he's in a relationship for some reason. He said if someone asks, he'll tell them.

[reinventmyself]

I feel like he doesn't want anyone knowing he's in a relationship for some reason.

 

Are you sure?

I don't change my FB status because I think it's juvenile and really cheesy.

It's also not a reflection of my commitment to boyfriend.

[bluecastle]

Honestly, the relationship was perfect until a month or two ago.

 

Are you sure this is an "honest" statement?

 

One of the things that jumped out at me in your post first post was your references to his ex on FB that you "made him" delete. Aside from being controlling and manipulative, and aside from the fact that this is Facebook, where just about everyone on the planet still has an ex or seven lurking among their their "friends," it struck me as evidence that you were not particularly secure inside this relationship.

 

From that I can draw a few probable conclusions. One: you are someone who, when you start having feelings for someone, become insecure, anxious, and fearful, and quickly start looking for reasons to confirm those fears. Two: you are drawn to unavailable men, and equate "connecting romantically" with being the one who prods them into a state of availability and keeps them in line through occasional prodding and policing. Three: you equate "men" with "abusive ex husband," and so a relationship with a new man becomes a subconscious opportunity to replay the last relationship but with different results.

 

Sounds far from "perfect," in short.

 

You also mentioned that you began suspecting he may be on a dating app. I'm curious what evidence there is to that. Was that also the conclusion you reached because he liked a few photos of pretty girls on Facebook? Or was there something a bit more concrete? Because that's a pretty incendiary accusation.

 

This all sounds awfully adolescent to me, I have to say.

[FraniMar22]

Are you sure?

I don't change my FB status because I think it's juvenile and really cheesy.

It's also not a reflection of my commitment to boyfriend.

 

I see your point. He's been acting like everything is completely fine. But what about phone calls he declined when I'm there or his phone being turned off. That just started recently. Am I making too much of him liking other women's sexy pics? I think I'm just making myself nuts. I went so far as to try and find out what the first six friends on your profile means. It said they're the people you interact most with. The same women always show up. I know, juvenile right?

 

Maybe I've just been burned too often. I'm 58 years old and haven't had one meaningful relationship to speak of. This felt like I finally got it right.

[figureitout23]

Are you sure this is an "honest" statement?

 

One of the things that jumped out at me in your post first post was your references to his ex on FB that you "made him" delete. Aside from being controlling and manipulative, and aside from the fact that this is Facebook, where just about everyone on the planet still has an ex or seven lurking among their their "friends," it struck me as evidence that you were not particularly secure inside this relationship.

 

From that I can draw a few probable conclusions. One: you are someone who, when you start having feelings for someone, become insecure, anxious, and fearful, and quickly start looking for reasons to confirm those fears. Two: you are drawn to unavailable men, and equate "connecting romantically" with being the one who prods them into a state of availability and keeps them in line through occasional prodding and policing. Three: you equate "men" with "abusive ex husband," and so a relationship with a new man becomes a subconscious opportunity to replay the last relationship but with different results.

 

Sounds far from "perfect," in short.

 

You also mentioned that you began suspecting he may be on a dating app. I'm curious what evidence there is to that. Was that also the conclusion you reached because he liked a few photos of pretty girls on Facebook? Or was there something a bit more concrete? Because that's a pretty incendiary accusation.

 

This all sounds awfully adolescent to me, I have to say.

 

Agree with this.

 

Another big point about noticing if a partner or spouse is liking photos. You have to search that out. It’s not something that simply passes by your page, you literally have to make multiple clicks to search for someone’s likes. I didn’t even know you could do that until someone showed me, so you didn’t stumble upon this and then it made you insecure, you searched it out and it made you insecure. Clarifying that, to me really shows where to are.

 

There’s a huge difference between someone who stumbles upon their mate in bed with someone else and someone who seeks out infidelity to either soothe or confirm their fears. The biggest irony is I’d bet my whole paycheck the first one leaves once they find out the second one get their evidence and does nothing with it but becomes more anxious and controlling. It’s a vicious and kinda common cycle. Just watch daytime TV. You either trust your mate or you don’t. No control tactic Will fix those fears permanently, Im guessing that why it went from deleting the ex to being Facebook official ( which honestly while not an absolute necessity, I can see the value in it, so no judgement, nothing wrong with wanting to show off your partner, and also honestly odd he’s making excuses) the goalpost continues to move because you’re treating the symptom and not the disease. You don’t trust him and no amount of Facebook statuses will change that only the two of you can.

[reinventmyself]

I see your point. He's been acting like everything is completely fine. But what about phone calls he declined when I'm there or his phone being turned off. That just started recently. Am I making too much of him liking other women's sexy pics? I think I'm just making myself nuts. I went so far as to try and find out what the first six friends on your profile means. It said they're the people you interact most with. The same women always show up. I know, juvenile right?

 

Maybe I've just been burned too often. I'm 58 years old and haven't had one meaningful relationship to speak of. This felt like I finally got it right.

 

Not sure what came first, the cart or the horse - but if my boyfriend started to dictate who I could and could not communicate with and was exhibiting insecure behaviors, I'd be on my way out.

I went so far as to try and find out what the first six friends on your profile means.

Can anyone confirm if this is true?? Because out of curiosity I just checked my FB profile and the first six are people are people I haven't spoken to in years.

[bluecastle]

Not sure what came first, the cart or the horse - but if my boyfriend started to dictate who I could and could not communicate with and was exhibiting insecure behaviors, I'd be on my way out.

 

Right.

 

If I was dating someone who was monitoring and policing my social media activity then I'd—well, scratch that. I don't date such people, and on the few occasions when I've caught even a whiff of this, which has been in the two month window, I'm out.

 

But, well, if for some reason I decided this was something I was okay with putting up with, I'd likely become more closed off, more secretive. I'd be scared enough that if I sneezed I'd be asked "Who gave you that cold?" let alone the suspicious wrath that might come if, heaven forbid, I received a phone call, text message, or some kind of notification on my phone.

 

Whether he's protecting himself because he has something to hide, or whether he's just becoming more self-protective, I can't say. But it's clear to me you have a paranoid streak, are not someone who should be on social media, and have given far too much weight to the "burns" one can experience in life and love than the joys.

[figureitout23]

I see your point. He's been acting like everything is completely fine. But what about phone calls he declined when I'm there or his phone being turned off. That just started recently. Am I making too much of him liking other women's sexy pics? I think I'm just making myself nuts. I went so far as to try and find out what the first six friends on your profile means. It said they're the people you interact most with. The same women always show up. I know, juvenile right?

 

Maybe I've just been burned too often. I'm 58 years old and haven't had one meaningful relationship to speak of. This felt like I finally got it right.

 

Genuine question:

 

What was it about this particular relationship that made you think you ‘got it right.’

 

And if that’s the case why did the distrust start?

[FraniMar22]

 

You also mentioned that you began suspecting he may be on a dating app. I'm curious what evidence there is to that. Was that also the conclusion you reached because he liked a few photos of pretty girls on Facebook? Or was there something a bit more concrete? Because that's a pretty incendiary accusation.

 

This all sounds awfully adolescent to me, I have to say.

 

We met on a dating site. After we both agreed we were a couple and going to be exclusive, we decided to delete both of our profiles. A week or two ago he was showing me something in his emails and I saw an email from the site notifying him of either new matches or messages. He told me he did delete his profile and hasn't a clue why he still gets notifications. I haven't gotten an email since I deleted mine. So, that made me a bit suspicious.

 

In my defense, I'm not at all handling this as you're imaging. I've never demanded or insisted anything, never took a controlling position at all. As far as the ex goes, I just relayed to him that it made me uncomfortable with the comments she was posting, because clearly she had no idea he was with someone. He removed her on his own. So, I didn't phrase that properly. I didn't make him do it. I haven't once told him who he can and can't speak to either. I don't like to speak up too often because I know it's not good for the relationship. Hence, my reason for coming here -- somewhere to sound off and get feedback.

[FraniMar22]

Genuine question:

 

What was it about this particular relationship that made you think you ‘got it right.’

 

And if that’s the case why did the distrust start?

 

Honestly, I'm not sure where it started -- I'd have to say the ex being on his Facebook and making inappropriate comments. Not just her, other women as well because no one knows he's in a relationship. The relationship started off easy, no drama, mutual attraction. I felt like I was with someone who respected me and cared about me and my feelings, and the feeling is mutual. It's funny, as I'm responding to you all I'm struggling with answers because I'm realizing how damaging my behavior is -- mostly to myself.

[reinventmyself]

deleting a profile or hiding an unused one.

I've done both and I have an email that I used a long time ago that I still get notifications from in an attempt to get my business.

For that matter, my boyfriend was showing me an email and he had the same thing in his inbox.

I also get ads for Viagra, but that doesn't interest me either.

[reinventmyself]

deleted. . . . . .

[reinventmyself]

I've never demanded or insisted anything, never took a controlling position at all. As far as the ex goes, I just relayed to him that it made me uncomfortable with the comments she was posting, because clearly she had no idea he was with someone. He removed her on his own. So, I didn't phrase that properly. I didn't make him do it. I haven't once told him who he can and can't speak to either. I don't like to speak up too often because I know it's not good for the relationship. .

He had an ex GF on there that I finally made him delete. I didn't understand why an ex needed to be on his FB page anyway.

 

It's hard to advise you if you change your story.

[FraniMar22]

He had an ex GF on there that I finally made him delete. I didn't understand why an ex needed to be on his FB page anyway.

 

It's hard to advise you if you change your story.

 

"He removed her on his own. So, I didn't phrase that properly. "

 

I didn't change my story -- just clarified what I meant. Geez.

[reinventmyself]

making someone delete an ex and someone doing it on their own are entirely different things, geez.

It changes the entire context

So basically, most of this was for nothing.

[FraniMar22]

making someone delete an ex and someone doing it on their own are entirely different things, geez.

It changes the entire context

So basically, most of this was for nothing.

 

No, it wasn't for nothing. I was married for 25 years and out of the dating life for a very long time. I truly needed all the input I've gotten. It gave me lots to think about.

[bluecastle]

It's funny, as I'm responding to you all I'm struggling with answers because I'm realizing how damaging my behavior is -- mostly to myself.

 

This is what I'd be thinking about, above all else. Because what's important, ultimately, is how we choose to conduct ourselves and how we choose to spend our time. If we choose damaging behavior we run a number of risks in romance, from attracting damaged goods (like seeks like) to repelling good things (healthy runs from damage). We can't control the behavior of another person—ever—but we can control ourselves and how we handle another when they make us uncomfortable.

 

Bold suggestion: delete Facebook, or just stop going on Facebook, cold turkey, for the next month.

 

Get reacquainted with the three dimensional world, in using it as a gauge for your reality, in appreciating both what is known and what is not known. Wherever this relationship goes, I bet you'll find yourself happier, calmer, more certain of what is real as opposed to "real," more certain about what it means to feel liked rather than "liked."

 

And in terms of the relationship, I think you'll learn a lot more in 30 days of just being in it rather than trying to curate it and understand it through a screen.

[FraniMar22]

This is what I'd be thinking about, above all else. Because what's important, ultimately, is how we choose to conduct ourselves and how we choose to spend our time. If we choose damaging behavior we run a number of risks in romance, from attracting damaged goods (like seeks like) to repelling good things (healthy runs from damage). We can't control the behavior of another person—ever—but we can control ourselves and how we handle another when they make us uncomfortable.

 

Bold suggestion: delete Facebook, or just stop going on Facebook, cold turkey, for the next month.

 

Get reacquainted with the three dimensional world, in using it as a gauge for your reality, in appreciating both what is known and what is not known. Wherever this relationship goes, I bet you'll find yourself happier, calmer, more certain of what is real as opposed to "real," more certain about what it means to feel liked rather than "liked."

 

And in terms of the relationship, I think you'll learn a lot more in 30 days of just being in it rather than trying to curate it and understand it through a screen.

 

Thank you! I can really draw alot from what I've learned here. I need to stop and be accountable before I have no one else to blame but myself for a destroyed relationship. Too much emphasis on the wrong things.