My boyfriend won’t show me any affection

[SarahLancaster]

I don't think that withholding affection constitutes 'abuse.' That word gets bandied about quite a bit to describe what is mostly indifference. We live in a time now where it's fashionable to be a victim.

 

There is a deep underlying issue here. If he once showed you affection and that affection has gradually abated, then as others have said, you need to look at what's causing this issue.

[Wiseman2]

Best to educate yourself and end this:

https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#emotional-neglect-and-isolation

Here is an excerpt:

"Withholding affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something."

[Gary Snyder]

It's called taking your partner for granted.

 

There is no underlying issue - he still wants to have sex with her, but does not want to give her affection. So he's still attracted to her. He's just lazy, self-centered, and mean.

 

I see this on occasion. Men refusing their lover affection. It's a relationship dealbreaker.

 

If he does not get the memo somehow (I've outlined some ways in my previous post), she's going to fall out of love with him and breakup eventually.

[j.man]

You can't be neglected of something others aren't responsible to provide you. Whether one hugs, ****s, or listens to you makes the difference in whether someone is compatible with you or even someone who we might consider a conventionally crappy person, not whether you're being abused. Your emotional and physical needs are your own to ensure, up to and including finding partners who suit them and leaving those who don't. This is the beauty of consensual relationships. Don't let us or anyone else convince you you're a child or otherwise disempower you.

[Billie28]

I don't think that withholding affection constitutes 'abuse.' That word gets bandied about quite a bit to describe what is mostly indifference. We live in a time now where it's fashionable to be a victim.

 

There is a deep underlying issue here. If he once showed you affection and that affection has gradually abated, then as others have said, you need to look at what's causing this issue.

 

Another word overused is gaslighting.

Is this abuse or gaslighting?

I definitely think neither. This appears to be a recent issue and not a 2 year long issue.

Emotional abuse and gaslighting generally crops up early days. 6 month mark?

 

Just because he recently says she is being needy by wanting affection doesn’t suggest either to me. It suggests a breakdown in communication. Only.

[katrina1980]

Billie, curious why you believe it's a recent issue, have I missed something?

 

Which is possible, I sometimes do.

 

Not saying it isn't, it very well may be I just didn't read anything that would suggest it is.

 

The OP has not returned to clarify either way.

[SarahLancaster]

You can't be neglected of something others aren't responsible to provide you. Whether one hugs, ****s, or listens to you makes the difference in whether someone is compatible with you or even someone who we might consider a conventionally crappy person, not whether you're being abused. Your emotional and physical needs are your own to ensure, up to and including finding partners who suit them and leaving those who don't. This is the beauty of consensual relationships. Don't let us or anyone else convince you you're a child or otherwise disempower you.

 

^^^^^^^ This

[SarahLancaster]

Another word overused is gaslighting.

Is this abuse or gaslighting?

I definitely think neither. This appears to be a recent issue and not a 2 year long issue.

Emotional abuse and gaslighting generally crops up early days. 6 month mark?

 

Just because he recently says she is being needy by wanting affection doesn’t suggest either to me. It suggests a breakdown in communication. Only.

 

I agree. Emotional abuse is about control. The boyfriend isn't wanting to control her; he's simply wanting her to stop needing a constant show of affection.

 

It sounds like the relationship may be past the expiration date for him. Or maybe he just doesn't feel the need to be 'courting' her anymore.

[katrina1980]

Again, it would be helpful if OP returned to clarify what's happening and provide more context.

 

We could speculate until hell freezes over, we just don't know until we are provided more info and context fm OP

[bluecastle]

Again, it would be helpful if OP returned to clarify what's happening and provide more context.

 

We could speculate until hell freezes over, we just don't know until we are provided more info and context fm OP

 

Exactly.

 

This is one of those threads that clearly gets under a lot of people's skins, probably because of places they've been in their own lives.

 

Abuse? Gaslighting? Cheating? I really don't think this warrants that, certainly not from the little OP has offered.

 

Sex and affection tend to be a pretty good gauge of romantic compatibility, and are often the first things to go out the window when general incompatibility surfaces. Sadly, because "sex and affection" also trigger a variety of complicated emotions in people—guilt, shame, etc.—people can feel "bad" valuing them, which can lead people to stay inside romantic relationships that long stopped being romantic and may never have been as "romantic" as they really needed from the start.

 

I've known people who get into committed relationships thinking a lack of sex and affection might "improve" over time, only to find themselves frustrated when, alas, it doesn't. I've known people who have really hot sex early but find it fades out because, aside from sex, there really wasn't much there in terms of connection. Always sucks, is always hard, and can turn some otherwise good people into wrecks.

 

But it isn't always abuse and/or cheating. Sometimes it's just a square peg and a round hole, and two people who pretended otherwise until they couldn't pretend anymore.

 

OP? Sounds like your relationship has maybe expired, since what you're describing is not really a romantic relationship by your own standards. You've tried to address it, didn't go well. You're both becoming irritable and edgy in ways that keep harming your connection. You can continue to try to address it, especially if this is a "recent" development, a "rough patch" so to speak. But be honest about how long it's been going on, how much of the past two years you've spent feeling that things were lacking on the intimacy/affection front and hoping they'd improve rather than just enjoying things.

 

If it's more than a year then I'd say the next move—the move toward peace, happiness, and friskiness—is to move on. Always a hard choice, but you'll know yourself better, your needs better, and will have a more finely tuned compass moving forward.

[Leannejr]

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for your time.

Sorry I wasn’t very clear. This is more of a recent thing - the last month.

I should probably also mention that I have some issues regarding my mental health and so I do tend to take things quite personally.

We talk about it, I worded the last bit wrong - it’s not him that makes me feel I’m needy and going crazy. That’s just how I feel. He does explain that sometimes he’s just tired and he has things on his mind. But I then read into that & assume he doesn’t love me. Weve been through a lot together and 70% of the time he does help me, he shows me more love that I could ever ask for. Yet some days it just isn’t that way. But I guess it isn’t that way all the time? We’ve had some rough patches, suspicions of cheating, paranoia, but we’ve both managed to prove to each other that our suspicions are wrong. We have a fun, solid relationship most of the time. But maybe this is something I need to sort with myself.

[maew]

Yes.

 

While I personally don't foresee much cause or gain from having a conversation about it and agree more with folks saying it's best to book it, to default to abuse is incredibly infantilizing. Abuse is inflicted. The OP isn't entitled to a hug, kiss, or sex from this man. Nor is he from her. Neither of them is each other's child, and you can't neglect someone of something you're not responsible to provide. As far as we know, he hasn't imprisoned her or otherwise precluded her from leaving the relationship to find someone willing to provide her the affection she desires. Not defending or supporting the guy, but this is her responsibility, and one it's sounding like she should act on sooner than later.

 

I have to highlight this... the OP is not entitled to touch, hug, kiss or otherwise be affectionate with her boyfriend. This of course works both ways. People are entitled to have their physical space respected. It is not emotional abuse if her boyfriend doesn't want to be touched by her... that is his right as a human being.

 

That all being said, she also has every right to express her needs (respectfully) to her boyfriend... if he chooses not to accommodate, she can then choose to set her own boundary and move on from the relationship.

 

Edited to say: based on your most recent post OP it sounds a lot more like you are projecting anxiety and expecting him to soothe you with affection. If he chooses not to do this for whatever reason... yes he still has that right, however you also have the right to decide if you would rather have a partner that comes towards you when you are struggling instead of pushes you away.

[MissCanuck]

This is more of a recent thing - the last month.

I should probably also mention that I have some issues regarding my mental health and so I do tend to take things quite personally.

 

What are these issues, OP? And what happens when you take things personally? Do you shut down, get angry, lash out, or?

 

These sorts of things can very much affect the physical intimacy between a couple. I had an ex who struggled quite a lot with his mental health, and the relationship was an emotional roller coaster for me. It definitely impacted my desire for him, on an intimate level.

 

This is not to pin the blame all on you. However, I think it would be worth exploring how the overall emotional landscape of your relationship correlates with the physical affection between you two.

[Leannejr]

Depression, anxiety. I tend to go into a shell or cry, or I go quiet and don’t want to communicate which in turns probably makes him feel a certain way (like I’m being hot and cold) my moods change quite quickly and we have discussed this, he’s supporting all of the time. I just take things to heart. He says it doesn’t affect our relationship he just hates seeing me on this rollercoaster I’ve landed on. I’ve been depressed for 5+ years and he’s known this from the start. I admit I’m probably a difficult girlfriend and he constantly says I’m not and that he loves me.

[Hollyj]

Do you receive professional help? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

[Leannejr]

Why are you even with this guy? It is time to end things. I would feel so rejected.

 

Can you read my previous posts before jumping into telling me to end things.

[Hollyj]

Can you read my previous posts before jumping into telling me to end things.

 

I changed my post. Perhaps, if you had been more forthcoming, I would not have responded the way I did.

[Leannejr]

Do you receive professional help? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

 

This is my first time on here so I didn’t want to blurt out my whole life story. I didnt expect this much of a response. No professional help but I do speak to him about it and he’s very supportive.

[Hollyj]

Do you receive professional help? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

[Hollyj]

This is my first time on here so I didn’t want to blurt out my whole life story. I did expect this much of a response. No professional help but I do speak to him about it and he’s very supportive.

 

People cannot give you the best advice, if we do not know all of the info.

[Hollyj]

Your bf is not a therapist, and you should not expect him to help you with this. It is not fair or healthy , and is also quite draining.

 

Why haven't you sought a therapist?

[katrina1980]

Well given this new info, your bf sounds like he's trying and doing the best he can, given the circumstances surrounding your anxiety, depression. Possible mood disorder.

 

This sounds like something that warrants a medical doctor's intervention.

 

Have you sought medical treatment OP?

 

You don't have to suffer these symptoms, there are meds for it, or you can learn ways to manage symptoms yourself as I do.

 

The ability to want to help yourself would speak volumes to him, and may make a big difference in how he responds to you.

[SarahLancaster]

Can you read my previous posts before jumping into telling me to end things.

 

Leanne, the additional information would have been VERY helpful for all of us who took the time to respond to you. We can only go by what you tell us and then draw conclusions based on limited information.

[Leannejr]

I’d

 

Well given this new info, your bf sounds like he's trying and doing the best he can, given the circumstances surrounding your anxiety, depression. Possible mood disorder.

 

This sounds like something that warrants a medical doctor's intervention.

 

Have you sought medical treatment OP?

 

You don't have to suffer these symptoms, there are meds for it, or you can learn ways to manage symptoms yourself as I do.

 

The ability to want to help yourself would speak volumes to him, and may make a big difference in how he responds to you.

 

I’d been to the GP in the past and have tried 5-6 different medications but yes you’re right, it would speak volumes to him.

Thank you

[Hollyj]

A GP is not the appropriate doctor. You need to seek a psychologist and psychiatrist. Time to deal with your issues, and stop dumping the responsibility on your bf.

What would you do if he weren't around?