My boyfriend won’t show me any affection

[Leannejr]

How have you come to the conclusion that I’m dumping responsibility on my boyfriend? I was dealing with this for 3 years prior to our relationship.

[Hollyj]

How have you come to the conclusion that I’m dumping responsibility on my boyfriend? I was dealing with this for 3 years prior to our relationship.

 

"We've been through a lot together and 70% of the time he does help me,"

 

"Depression, anxiety. I tend to go into a shell or cry, or I go quiet and don’t want to communicate which in turns probably makes him feel a certain way (like I’m being hot and cold) my moods change quite quickly and we have discussed this, he’s supporting all of the time. "

 

"I admit I’m probably a difficult girlfriend?"

 

This does not sound like you are dealing with it.

[katrina1980]

OP, three years is too long; I'm surprised your GP didn't refer to a psychiatrist who can diagnose you properly and prescribe the correct meds.

 

Mine did.

 

Ask your GP for a referral. There are also things you can do on your own to manage symptoms. Like lots of exercise, no drinking, good healthy eats.

 

My advice is take better care of your health, including mental health.

 

There's just so much a partner will take, so far he's been understanding but if it continues, you may lose him, I would hate to see that happen.

 

Good luck.

[SGH]

Compared to your original post, you've really changed your tune. It sounds to me like the issues are a combination of you being over-sensitive and him lashing out in return by being cold. It boils down to the two of you having an unhealthy dynamic that is difficult to just change after 5 years of being together.

 

I think you need to ask yourself if this is all there is for you. Generally, people stay in unfulfilling relationships because they are afraid of being alone and the unknown. If you're content to continue to play this hot and cold dynamic out, nothing anyone says on this forum will change your mind. However, I hope the responses you've received help you to realize that both of you are to blame for the current situation.

[Wiseman2]

This is a huge mistake. A partner should never be used as a psychiatrist. You need to see a doctor for a checkup and get a referral to a therapist. Not for him, for you.

No professional help but I do speak to him about it and he’s very supportive.

[Billie28]

Billie, curious why you believe it's a recent issue, have I missed something?

 

Which is possible, I sometimes do.

 

Not saying it isn't, it very well may be I just didn't read anything that would suggest it is.

 

The OP has not returned to clarify either way.

 

An educated guess ?

No one would suddenly complain about lack of affection in a relationship 2 years in , if lack of affection was such a big issue to them , they wouldn’t be in that relationship 2 years later. It wouldn’t have lasted that long.

 

All good , the OP has clarified it’s recent.

Which also negates the fact that it is some form of emotional abuse. It didn’t exist until 2 years in.

[Billie28]

Leanne , you appear to be relying on external sources to make you”happy” and diminish anxiety and depression.

In this case your partner is your external source. And you have almost exhausted that source.

 

It’s a “temporary” solution to a lifelong problem.

 

Your bf may well have been aware of the fact that you suffer anxiety and depression before continuing a relationship with you. But that does not mean your responsibility for your illness is shifted onto him. He can support you and it looks like he has.

 

But what are YOU currently doing for yourself to cope? With or without him?

 

Please don’t seek validation from another , attain it without another.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you make this sound as if it were a chronic long standing problem. That in itself reveals that you need to see a doctor and therapist. You are using extreme drama to deal with your life.

together for 2 yrs. we barely kiss, he sighs when I ask for a hug, he doesn’t want to give me any affection. I sometimes lean in for a kiss and he turns his head away. I try to initiate sex which usually starts with us kissing and I touch him and slowly turn his head yet majority of the time he refuses to turn and moves my hand away.

[Gary Snyder]

More info:

 

Here is a rule for relationships / marriage:

 

Give your partner affection and sex whenever they want it.

 

Is this really so hard, is it a huge burden? Please!

 

People who don't get this will likely experience breakup or divorce down the road. Withholding these things can, over time, kill your partner's love for you.

[Wiseman2]

Earth to Gary 👽

Here is a rule for relationships / marriage: Give your partner affection and sex whenever they want it.

[Pleasehelp19]

I had an ex that did this exact thing for 15 years on and off when we dated and it took him that 15 years to finally tell me he never wanted to be with me that I was basically the safety net oh, the in-between girlfriend girlfriend. be very careful

[Hollyj]

More info:

 

Here is a rule for relationships / marriage:

 

Give your partner affection and sex whenever they want it.

 

Is this really so hard, is it a huge burden? Please!

 

People who don't get this will likely experience breakup or divorce down the road. Withholding these things can, over time, kill your partner's love for you.

 

Have you read this thread. A common theme for you seems to be sex.

 

We are dealing with serious depression and anxiety here!

[katrina1980]

An educated guess ?

No one would suddenly complain about lack of affection in a relationship 2 years in , if lack of affection was such a big issue to them , they wouldn’t be in that relationship 2 years later. It wouldn’t have lasted that long.

 

All good , the OP has clarified it’s recent.

Which also negates the fact that it is some form of emotional abuse. It didn’t exist until 2 years in.

 

Billie, no. I actually think you may be psychic! LOL

 

You called it girl.

[catfeeder]

He’s clearly not going to offer what you want and deserve from a relationship, so I’d dump him rather than accept any suggestion that you don’t deserve it.

[Uvox]

I may be wrong, but if this behaviour is not spawned by something you did or triggered by a current event in his life, U should talk with him about the motive, the behaviour and possible solutions.

My bet is that at some point in the future U will move out from this relation.

No one deserve this.

Best of luck.

[Hollyj]

I may be wrong, but if this behaviour is not spawned by something you did or triggered by a current event in his life, U should talk with him about the motive, the behaviour and possible solutions.

My bet is that at some point in the future U will move out from this relation.

No one deserve this.

Best of luck.

 

 

I think that they both have issues. "We’ve had some rough patches, suspicions of cheating, paranoia, but we’ve both managed to prove to each other that our suspicions are wrong."

 

She uses him as her therapist, and he is a co dependent. Not a healthy mix. Plus, she has not sought professional help.

[Leannejr]

Okay so everyone has misinterpreted what I’ve said & has taken it as I use my boyfriend as a therapist.

If I could delete this post then I really would.

I have said in previous replies that I’ve been on and off medication.

I 100% do not use my boyfriend as a therapist, neither does he take the brunt of it all. You’re reading things I’m saying and making your own assumptions which isn’t what I came here for. My original post still stands, looking for the same advice etc and people have given it me. I didn’t really need to go into the rest of it because the issue is still remaining and none of what I’ve added should make that any better or begin to be an excuse.

 

People telling me that I’m using my boyfriend as a therapist (when I’m not) just makes me feel worse and like I’m a burden to him while he spent a long time reassuring me I wasn’t. So I’d appreciate if everybody could stop assuming.

 

Yes I sometimes go quiet, I cry or I don’t want to communicate but we have our issues and ways of dealing with that, just like everybody else. I was the same on medication and unfortunately I don’t have £50+ to spend on therapy or 5 months on a waiting list waiting for an appointment while I’m working 48+ hours a week at work trying to make ends meet.

 

I’d be grateful if this could all stop (including the comments) as for some reason I cannot delete this post. Or feel free to comment based on my original post without coming up with your own assumptions about how I’m using my boyfriend as a therapist.

[Leannejr]

I think that they both have issues. "We’ve had some rough patches, suspicions of cheating, paranoia, but we’ve both managed to prove to each other that our suspicions are wrong."

 

She uses him as her therapist, and he is a co dependent. Not a healthy mix. Plus, she has not sought professional help.

 

- Okay. I’d appreciate if you didn’t make assumptions based on bits of my life you now know.

 

I do not use my boyfriend as a therapist (see my previous response)

 

Also the original post I put up on here wasn’t due to my depression and anxiety.. It was an issue regardless of that. Me saying “I haven’t had medical help” was me saying I haven’t had therapy - because I simply don’t want it. I’m not as bad as I used to be. Then I continued to say “but I do speak to him about it” because the person that commented prior to me had asked if I had.

 

So we can stop making assumptions now and id appreciate if you’re not commenting based on my original post then you don’t comment at all.

[Wiseman2]

You can message admin and ask them to close the thread.

If I could delete this post then I really would. for some reason I cannot delete this post.

[boltnrun]

So this may sound really dramatic but I’m feeling so hurt and have been for a long time and majority of the time I’ve no idea if I’m over reacting. My partner and I have been together for 2 yrs. we barely kiss, he sighs when I ask for a hug, he doesn’t want to give me any affection. I sometimes lean in for a kiss and he turns his head away. I try to initiate sex which usually starts with us kissing and I touch him and slowly turn his head yet majority of the time he refuses to turn and moves my hand away. He won’t hold my hand in the street, he won’t hug me in public, just worst of all he won’t show me any affection in our own home and I have to ask for a hug if I want one. I feel like I’m going crazy and when I talk about it it’s like it’s my fault and I shouldn’t be so needy.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

This is why people thought it was a long-term, ongoing issue.

 

And this IS the original post.

[MissCanuck]

Also the original post I put up on here wasn’t due to my depression and anxiety.. It was an issue regardless of that

 

The thing is, relationship issues don't usually exist in a vacuum, independent of one another. They often over-lap, and one problem frequently affects the other.

 

We asked about your mental health because intimacy between partners is often significantly affected by the overall emotional temperature of a relationship. While your boyfriend might overall be a very supportive in general, I wouldn't be so quick to rule out the possibility that it has started to weigh on him too. That, in turn, can dampen sexual desire.

 

Might there be something else going on with him, causing him to turn away from you? Sure. But should you also consider how the mental health issues you describe could be affecting his overall desire? I think you'd be doing yourself a disservice not to.

[Leannejr]

You can message admin and ask them to close the thread.

How do I do this?

[Wiseman2]

"Contact Us" bottom of page

How do I do this?

[maew]

Earth to Gary 👽

 

lol... how well as this "rule" worked for him I wonder?