abitbroken Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Neither of those are potential relationship killers, debilitating PTSD can be. She doesn't choose to have PTSD, I can understand that and be compassionate, but knowing she has it is important because it's very difficult to deal with advanced PTSD. You have to understand anchoring. dissociation, and what fuge and panic states are. If she has regular attacks and needs an anchor you need to know that before it goes down, and an uninformed or incompassionate person might not be very tolerant about finding out later in the relationship. What stood out to me the most about her bio is when she wrote out the "ideal partner" section she discussed being understanding. It sounds like she's had experiences with men being indifferent or not understanding. Common unfair criticisms. She is directly asking for someone who understands more than the surface level of what's going on with her. Sounds like you are interested in being her therapist. By stating these things, it makes me believe that you automatically feel that you know her better than she does. You have no idea - she could have great coping mechanisms herself. Don't go in potentially dating someone to "teach them". BTW, wanting someone "understanding" is baseline -- everyone wants a caring, understanding person with a sense of humor. It doesn't mean she was hurt by other guys. I think you are reading into her profile deeply to see if you can be her white knight. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Sounds like you are interested in being her therapist. By stating these things, it makes me believe that you automatically feel that you know her better than she does. You have no idea - she could have great coping mechanisms herself. Don't go in potentially dating someone to "teach them". BTW, wanting someone "understanding" is baseline -- everyone wants a caring, understanding person with a sense of humor. It doesn't mean she was hurt by other guys. I think you are reading into her profile deeply to see if you can be her white knight. I agree. I asked a few posts ago if he mentioned to her being familiar with stuff like this. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 I don't understand what attracts you to ""complications" which is longer than any other section of her bio?" There are a lot of red flags. Are you usually attracted to this type of dynamic. Do you seek drama? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Why do you want to chase someone who puts her brokenness on display? Everyone has brokenness, but they shouldn’t lead with it. Why do you want someone described as above who isn’t interested? Do you want a project? Do you think you deserve someone who isn’t broken? "family members who suffer from many of the same issues." Probably the familiarity. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Are you attracted to her dating profile BECAUSE of all her issues? Like maybe you think you'd have a better chance with someone like her? That is what I was thinking. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 I think if someone isn't interested, find someone who is interested. You should not plead your case to a stranger or near stranger. If they aren't too excited about meeting you - find someone else who is. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 I'm still trying to figure out why anyone would even want to build a rapport with someone who is not interested in them. Sounds like you want a project, to fix someone and all the drama that comes with it. Don't. Move on. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 I'm still trying to figure out why anyone would even want to build a rapport with someone who is not interested in them. Sounds like you want a project, to fix someone and all the drama that comes with it. Don't. Move on. Yep! It screams co dependency! Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 OP, you realize her distance might have nothing to do with social anxiety and PTSD, and everything to do with not finding you or your profile the right match for her? You are doing a lot of projecting here, in assuming you know why she is unenthusiastic about talking to you. In reality, you have no idea since you have never met her and not talked all that much. Take the hint and leave it alone. You can't build rapport when someone isn't interested in you, and if you try to apply pressure, all you are going to do is annoy her and get yourself blocked. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 your posts on here about the insistence to build rapport come off as very forceful. It honestly gave me goosebumps. As if that's not enough, you take your "being well read in psychology" as some reason you should connect with her, and she should be reciprocating. It's almost scary. I think you should take your knowledge of psychology inwards and explore the motives for drilling into something you haven't actually been invited to drill into. Also, seeing as you're well read in psychology, i assume you also are familiar with a traumatized person's tremendous ability to "smell" the driving force of others' behaviors, developed via the hyper-vigilance that was, for extended periods of time, necessary for their survival because anticipating when someone was about to get unhealthy gave them a chance to avoid them or take protective measures. Your talk about her anxiety and your sensitivity/understanding reveals just how much you underestimate her and are, whether aware or not, looking for an underling/dependant. If you can stay aware of the fact such a stand is patronizing (and appeals to you because of what it would say about you if you "succeeded") , you can allow for the fact that whether her reasons for not building rapport are thinking you're not likeable enough, or rooted in her insecurities, fears, experience, anxiety is completely irrelevant. If she does find you likeable, that's not to say she must (or feels like) give you enough of a chance for you to potentially prove she could more than "find you likeable". I bet she's had plenty experience of people with unhealthy motives trying to approach her because of her mental health problems, and enough experience to recognize such approaches early on, and that's why she is reserved. Perhaps she wants to see if you have the sense to stop the stubborn attempt to pick up a project, or are unhealthy enough yourself to persist until it's best to just block you. If you start with the assumption someone is this poor, scared thing who needs to be convinced you won't harm them, you know you're on the unhealthy side of things. You're not picking up an abused sick kitten from the shelter. And if she is self-aware about her condition, she's not wanting to be an easy victim to a "savior". Just because a "carer" type might appeal to a vulnerable aspect of a traumatized person's self, it doesn't mean they lack the insight or maturity to recognize the budding dysfunction and avoid them. I think you should consider that a codependent enthusiastic "healer" is not necessarily a healthier choice for people with mental illness than an outwardly insensitive or aggressive jerk. I don't believe for a second that your conscious intentions are bad, to be clear, so if you can recognize you're not helping, you'll stop and reflect. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 She describes PTSD and others, among her complications. The rest of her bio is golden to me, and she's definitely my type. - in other words, she has issues and is not a good catch - but the rest of her is golden! That still does not make her issues go away (by the way, this is probably why she's single). Your best bet for a relationship is to find somebody who is sane. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 your posts on here about the insistence to build rapport come off as very forceful.. To me, it sounds like someone who is looking for a target/victim rather than a date. Maybe if a parent had these same issues, he is not comfortable unless he can be the caretaker to somehow satisfy a wrong Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 To me, it sounds like someone who is looking for a target/victim rather than a date.yes, exactly. and with his level of persistence it's really unsettling imo. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 yes, exactly. and with his level of persistence it's really unsettling imo. I agree 100000% Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 We're chatting online. We've never met, but we are within a reasonable distance to actually date. Thing is she doesn't seem to mind me, she talks back to me, and replies to my questions, but then stops there. It doesn't feel like she's returning the effort, but it doesn't exactly feel like she wants me gone. If she really has social anxiety she may have trouble expressing herself, and may be inadvertently distancing herself. In person this would be obvious to me, but talking online is so distant and emotionless if you don't have that rapport yet. You're just an occasional online chat guy to her and whenever she replies, it stops at a certain point. You've noticed she doesn't feel like returning the same effort as yours. She doesn't exactly want you to be gone but she's only contacting you based upon her terms so get used to it! Be prepared to always remain on standby. With PTSD, this is the forefront of her mind and the focus will never be on you so know this. Steer clear from the mentally unstable otherwise you're setting yourself up for undue angst and stress. They're not easy to get along with. You'll always walk on eggshells. Link to comment
superfan Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Ask her out. If she says no, move on. Don't push. If you're too nervous to ask her out and she doesn't ask You out or give any indication that she's interested then don't push. Walk away. Link to comment
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