Did he still have feelings for her when he and I got together?

[maew]

Yes this makes a lot of sense. But how can I get past this feeling of wanting to be his only love interest? Bc obviously therapy and cbt aren't enough. I'm honestly torn.

 

I guess I also can't understand why he'd prefer someone that just used him. Does that say anything about HIM?

 

And yes we've delved solely into MY psyche and MY obsessions but is it really not wrong to make an effort to keep someone around knowing you have feelings for them still while pursuing someone else? I guess what I'm learning here is that there's nothing wrong with him still having feelings for this girl but what about the concious effort to keep her around? Almost like leaving that door open or a back up option in case we didn't work out. That seems wrong to me, no? Or am I obsessing again?

 

Please also print off what jman said and put it up on your walls. Everything you have said up there indicates you have a massive ego that is covering up for some cripplingly low self-esteem and a yawning void of neediness... and that you are someone that gets ALL of their validation and self-worth by being someone's one and only. This is not realistic or practical in a world with 7 billion people in it and in a relationship with someone that is in their mid 30's.

 

There is nothing that indicates he is making a conscious effort to keep her around except for the fact that they are friends on social media which means NOTHING. STOP being so controlling and obsessive and focus on yourself!

[boltnrun]

Where on earth do you think you're going to find someone who has only ever been romantically interested in you and never, ever had any kind of feelings for anyone else?

 

Have you told your therapist you feel completely and utterly lost?

[alexa5207]

Where on earth do you think you're going to find someone who has only ever been romantically interested in you and never, ever had any kind of feelings for anyone else?

 

Have you told your therapist you feel completely and utterly lost?

 

Yes. I am starting a new medication today.

[alexa5207]

How do I know he didn't talk to her while we were together? I mean, seriously? If I were to put all of this behind me, him possibly having feelings for her when we started talking, not getting rid of her right away, etc and I try to adopt a healthier, less rigid mindset, how can I trust that he didn't talk to her while we were together? And I don't mean 'good', I mean a conversation that crosses the boundaries of our relationship. Her sending him topless pics again, him allowing it, asking to date again, things like that? I'll never truly know.

 

So all I'm left with is trust. Do I trust that if she sent him pics while we were together that he would put his foot down? Honestly, no. Do I trust that he didn't try to be together one last time before devoting himself to me? No. At the end of the day, the biggest thing is trust. And I just don't have it for him. Do I trust him to do the right thing when I'm not looking or guiding him or forcing him to? No. I just don't think he's there yet. I don't think he's confident enough to say no, assertive enough to say no or self assured enough to put a stop to any advances. And a huge part of that is his refusal to get rid of her right away. It speaks of his low self esteem and unfinished business with her. I mean, he blocked this woman from seeing he and I were together but still kept her around. Why? Doesn't THAT say something? Honestly bc I'm desperately torn between trying my hardest to give him space to be human while not being a doormat. So if I were to put all those other things behind me, am I wrong for feeling like I would not be able to forgive him for talking to her in a way that crosses the boundaries of our relationship?

[boltnrun]

You cannot control the past. Or him.

 

You can carry on obsessing and making yourself a miserable heap.of.anxiety, or you can stop trying to be in a relationship until you are emotionally healthier.

[maew]

OP if you don’t trust him to do the right thing he isn’t the one for you so end the relationship.

[j.man]

You're the doormat? Lady, I'm half-convinced the CBT and therapy isn't working because-- beyond your insecurities of course-- you're not experiencing any consequences you should be for the incredibly unhealthy and borderline abusive ways you're treating your partner as a method of coping. So long as you've got your boyfriend who will cower into the corner of the couch and feed you whatever details you want to pry out of him that evening to empower yourself at the expense of his privacy and dignity, I think in your mind, even if subconsciously, you've got zero reason to stop.

 

And do you know what torture victims do when they don't have truthful information or run out of it? No, they don't stop giving information. They just bad information hoping you'll relent, even if just temporarily. Honestly, the level of detail you know about their interactions and social media activity far surpasses anything I could ever personally recall for my own interactions with women. I'm not saying you're waterboarding the guy, but for some reason, his issues preclude him from flipping you the bird and heading out the door for all your inappropriate pressing. After the "1000th time," I could almost guarantee you that he's making **** up to get you off his back, and dealing with you being upset sooner than later if he pretty much knows it's inevitable.

 

The doormat here is him. Your relationship nor your mental health are going to get anywhere so long as you're free to walk all over him. If you love the guy like you claim to, let him go to hopefully develop into someone who never settles for this dynamic again, and focus 100% on yourself.

[bluecastle]

I suspect you don't much love hearing what j.man and maew are saying. But, real talk: I hope you're listening.

 

I feel for you, OP, I do. But, more real talk: if I was advising your bf based on this thread alone I would be telling him to get out. Why? I would tell him that he is being manipulated and used by someone whose head is not on straight—that his reality is composed by your fears of reality, fears that have nothing to do with him and that he will lose himself trying to solve.

 

I would tell him that he is being made to feel bad and apologize for things he has zero reason to feel bad about or apologize for. That he is being subjected to conversations that do not exist inside healthy relationships with healthy people. That even if he had some unresolved feelings for someone in the early days, that even if he occasionally still had a wistful thought about that someone, that there is someone out there who will not only "put up" with that but who will understand it, love him all the more for it, and it's that love and respect that makes those thoughts and feelings nothing more than fleeting nothings, the little whispers that exist inside everyone.

 

Your view of the world, OP, is very ego-driven, very self-centric. For some reason you see your pain as special and unique, something the world does to you, is out there to do to you, and you only. Healthy people do not think this way. In their pain they find empathy for others, because they are reminded that pain is universal, just like the experience of living. Their own knotted up feelings are a reminder that everyone has knotted up feelings of their own. Their own confusion is a reminder that everyone is confused. And it's in all that shared experience that deep, authentic connections are formed.

 

This world view has caused a wholly unrealistic view of romance—a view that is dangerously childlike, which is to say supremely selfish. Children are allowed to be selfish, adults are not. Children are allowed to view adults as little more than people placed on the planet to help them and nurture them, adults are not allowed to view each other that way. You seem to see your bf through only two warped lenses—someone who is 100 percent safe or 100 percent dangerous—and in the process you've forgotten that he is, like you, just a person.

 

I feel for you, as mentioned. I am not here scolding, because I know you are not a child. But it's time to stop worrying about his social media, and focus 100 percent on understanding where those worries come from so you can be fully present in the reality of being an adult.

[boltnrun]

Alexa, how long have you been in therapy and on medication? Have you and your therapist seen zero progress?

 

Your obsessions don't hurt only you, they hurt your poor boyfriend. You are damaging him with your constant interrogations. If you love him, why would you put him through that?

[reinventmyself]

How do I know he didn't talk to her while we were together? I mean, seriously? If I were to put all of this behind me, him possibly having feelings for her when we started talking, not getting rid of her right away, etc and I try to adopt a healthier, less rigid mindset, how can I trust that he didn't talk to her while we were together? And I don't mean 'good', I mean a conversation that crosses the boundaries of our relationship. Her sending him topless pics again, him allowing it, asking to date again, things like that? I'll never truly know.

 

So all I'm left with is trust. Do I trust that if she sent him pics while we were together that he would put his foot down? Honestly, no. Do I trust that he didn't try to be together one last time before devoting himself to me? No. At the end of the day, the biggest thing is trust. And I just don't have it for him. Do I trust him to do the right thing when I'm not looking or guiding him or forcing him to? No. I just don't think he's there yet. I don't think he's confident enough to say no, assertive enough to say no or self assured enough to put a stop to any advances. And a huge part of that is his refusal to get rid of her right away. It speaks of his low self esteem and unfinished business with her.

 

How do you know he's not really a unicorn and his parents purchased him at an auction in Daigon's Alley from Cuthbert Binns? (harry potter)

 

The point here is you are deliberately grasping at worst case scenarios and trying to pin things on this poor guy. It's really unfair and I am surprised he's still around. In addition is must be really painful for you to live this way.

 

I can't help but think your last relationship, the ex's ultimate unfortunate suicide and a bad case of anxiety is what's running the show

here. NOT you current boyfriend's imagined infidelity.

[alexa5207]

I suspect you don't much love hearing what j.man and maew are saying. But, real talk: I hope you're listening.

 

I feel for you, OP, I do. But, more real talk: if I was advising your bf based on this thread alone I would be telling him to get out. Why? I would tell him that he is being manipulated and used by someone whose head is not on straight—that his reality is composed by your fears of reality, fears that have nothing to do with him and that he will lose himself trying to solve.

 

I would tell him that he is being made to feel bad and apologize for things he has zero reason to feel bad about or apologize for. That he is being subjected to conversations that do not exist inside healthy relationships with healthy people. That even if he had some unresolved feelings for someone in the early days, that even if he occasionally still had a wistful thought about that someone, that there is someone out there who will not only "put up" with that but who will understand it, love him all the more for it, and it's that love and respect that makes those thoughts and feelings nothing more than fleeting nothings, the little whispers that exist inside everyone.

 

Your view of the world, OP, is very ego-driven, very self-centric. For some reason you see your pain as special and unique, something the world does to you, is out there to do to you, and you only. Healthy people do not think this way. In their pain they find empathy for others, because they are reminded that pain is universal, just like the experience of living. Their own knotted up feelings are a reminder that everyone has knotted up feelings of their own. Their own confusion is a reminder that everyone is confused. And it's in all that shared experience that deep, authentic connections are formed.

 

This world view has caused a wholly unrealistic view of romance—a view that is dangerously childlike, which is to say supremely selfish. Children are allowed to be selfish, adults are not. Children are allowed to view adults as little more than people placed on the planet to help them and nurture them, adults are not allowed to view each other that way. You seem to see your bf through only two warped lenses—someone who is 100 percent safe or 100 percent dangerous—and in the process you've forgotten that he is, like you, just a person.

 

I feel for you, as mentioned. I am not here scolding, because I know you are not a child. But it's time to stop worrying about his social media, and focus 100 percent on understanding where those worries come from so you can be fully present in the reality of being an adult.

 

I'm listening. I wouldn't say that I particularly like what everyone is saying. But I'm certainly listening. If I weren't willing to shine the light on myself, I wouldn't even post here. I'd talk to my friends about it more who respond with "he doesn't give a sh*t about you, run" or even my therapist who has turned the table on my bf and began analyzing HIM and making it HIS fault. But I know it can't be him bc like someone mentioned in a previous post, I'M the common denominator in all of my relationships and yes, this is a pattern that has gone on for years, even before my current bf. So I do get it.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy or 'ol poor me' just the tools it takes to differentiate whether it's me or him. Bc in the moment, I honestly have no f*cking clue. And it's kinda hard when everyone around you is telling you it's him, he's the bad guy, further confirming that I'm justified in my questioning. But when I take a step back. When I'm in my 'rational mind' I do realize it comes from ME. I think the only thing my bf has done wrong is not putting a stop to this. But he doesn't know how, I get it. And that's something I NEVER realized in my past relationships. Ever. It was always, "you're gonna answer my questions and that's that" - but I WANT to change now. I have a reason to change. If not for him then definitely for myself. I don't WANT to be like this. It's not a happy place, at all. It's very self destructive, I know it. So here I am.

 

At the same time, I'm still conflicted with the thought of, "well what if he DID flirt with her or violate the boundaries of our relationship while we were together? I'm talking in the beginning, when we first got together and before he ever saw this side of me. I know maybe I shouldn't be thinking this way still but mental illness is not gonna be cured in a matter of a post. So I guess, yes, I'm still trying to differentiate. Wouldn't THAT be considered cheating?

[alexa5207]

You're the doormat? Lady, I'm half-convinced the CBT and therapy isn't working because-- beyond your insecurities of course-- you're not experiencing any consequences you should be for the incredibly unhealthy and borderline abusive ways you're treating your partner as a method of coping. So long as you've got your boyfriend who will cower into the corner of the couch and feed you whatever details you want to pry out of him that evening to empower yourself at the expense of his privacy and dignity, I think in your mind, even if subconsciously, you've got zero reason to stop.

 

And do you know what torture victims do when they don't have truthful information or run out of it? No, they don't stop giving information. They just bad information hoping you'll relent, even if just temporarily. Honestly, the level of detail you know about their interactions and social media activity far surpasses anything I could ever personally recall for my own interactions with women. I'm not saying you're waterboarding the guy, but for some reason, his issues preclude him from flipping you the bird and heading out the door for all your inappropriate pressing. After the "1000th time," I could almost guarantee you that he's making **** up to get you off his back, and dealing with you being upset sooner than later if he pretty much knows it's inevitable.

 

The doormat here is him. Your relationship nor your mental health are going to get anywhere so long as you're free to walk all over him. If you love the guy like you claim to, let him go to hopefully develop into someone who never settles for this dynamic again, and focus 100% on yourself.

 

Yes I totally understand. I really do. But sometimes I honestly just don't know how to stop.

 

I've told him that this isn't a healthy dynamic that what I'm doing to him isn't right. But he tells me he wants to stay with me and help me and that the answer isn't running away. But I KNOW I can't keep doing this to him. I just feel like with effective treatment (bc obviously right now it's not effective) this could work.

[alexa5207]

Alexa, how long have you been in therapy and on medication? Have you and your therapist seen zero progress?

 

Your obsessions don't hurt only you, they hurt your poor boyfriend. You are damaging him with your constant interrogations. If you love him, why would you put him through that?

 

I've been with this particular therapist for almost 4 years now. She's great in that I feel a connection with her and tell her anything but she's not trained specifically for DBT or CBT although she is trying to learn DBT to help me. However, I think she focuses on things that aren't really beneficial to me at the moment. For instance, she keeps pressing me to go back to school. I would love to but honestly I feel like it's better to be emotionally and mentally healthy before I pursue that, IF I want to pursue that again. I don't even have the money to go back but she seems fixated with this idea.

 

Sometimes when I see my nurse practitioner we talk about things related to my mental health and she's really supportive as well. I've been going to her for years as well (longer than my therapist) so she knows my background a little better.

 

As of right now I'm only taking Luvox, once a day. I just started yesterday so I know obviously it's gonna take some time to work. Before that I was taking a plethora of drugs from SSRIs to antipsychotics. But the psychiatrist I was seeing wasn't really helping as he was only giving samples of the latest meds on the market not specific to my needs.

[alexa5207]

How do you know he's not really a unicorn and his parents purchased him at an auction in Daigon's Alley from Cuthbert Binns? (harry potter)

 

The point here is you are deliberately grasping at worst case scenarios and trying to pin things on this poor guy. It's really unfair and I am surprised he's still around. In addition is must be really painful for you to live this way.

 

I can't help but think your last relationship, the ex's ultimate unfortunate suicide and a bad case of anxiety is what's running the show

here. NOT you current boyfriend's imagined infidelity.

 

It IS really painful. I'm not sure if it stems from my last relationship with the exes suicide bc I was like this before that. Although I'm sure that didn't help. I've been dating since I was 16 and I've never been in a healthy relationship. Ever. I was always cheated on, beat, raped and robbed. But as I said, I've been this way for years so it's really hard to tell what came first, the chicken or the egg.

[alexa5207]

I have this deep rooted fear that he's gonna leave me or cheat on me so I sorta push him to do those things to confirm that I'm right. Like a self fulfilling prophecy. And while I may be aware of it, I have absolutely no idea how to stop it.

 

How's that for irony?

[reinventmyself]

We don't know either of you, but if those that are close to in you real life - including your therapist are pointing in his direction, then I would trust them and call it done.

 

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Great question. I have been in this place and I don't have an answer to this riddle.

What I do know, without having to assign blame is two people often influence each other. He may will behave differently with the next person, the same as you will.

 

I think we can safely say you two are not a good match.

This is no longer enjoyable. . .for what ever reason.

 

Spend some time alone, continue therapy and get your balance back so you make better choices in the future and you are able to trust yourself enough to handle what ever happens.

But for time being, stop the madness.

 

Relationships are meant to be enjoyable and bring out the best in us. This is not happening here, for whatever reason.

[katrina1980]

I have this deep rooted fear that he's gonna leave me or cheat on me so I sorta push him to do those things to confirm that I'm right. Like a self fulfilling prophecy. And while I may be aware of it, I have absolutely no idea how to stop it.

 

How's that for irony?

 

No the real irony would be if you left him, walked away, ended this lunacy, which clearly is not making you happy, in fact quite the opposite, you would accomplish what you've been hoping to accomplish when dating him.

 

And that is -- he would begin obsessing about you.

 

If he's still obsessing about this woman, like you seem to think, after all this time, then he's like many people -- he desires, craves, longs for, obsesses about things and people he cannot have.

 

A healthy man would have moved on. And as j.man said, upon being harassed about it by his gf ad nauseum, would have walked away himself. Nor would he be bringing her up himself, especially to his new girlfriend!

 

You want to be the woman he obsesses about?

 

Then quit hassling him and walk away. Let him long for you, crave you like you seem to think he's doing about this other chic.

 

Problem is, you will have to stay away for good which would be better for you anyway. As this entire situation is completely dysfunctional, unhealthy and toxic.

 

And jmo but I would suggest you find new therapist, she sounds more like a friend than therapist.

 

You said she advised you to delete him? Ugh.

 

A good therapist does not give advice. They provide you with the emotional tools to make those decisions yourself.

 

No wonder you're still where you are! And haven't progressed emotionally or in your mental health.

 

Anyway, just my two cents, fwiw.

 

Best of luck.

[Wiseman2]

Why did you go off the meds? Having serious mood disorders with psychotic features needs constant surveillance and follow up by a team of professions from your NP PCP, the therapist (hopefully a qualified psychologist-who are All trained in CBT, as that is the standard of care) and a psychiatrist to specifically review your symptoms and provided targeted medical treatment.

 

Unfortunately it's very common to discontinue medication and have doubts, fears, paranoia about the treatment regardless of how appropriate or effective it is. That is why some mood disorders are difficult to treat. Talk therapy in these cases is supportive therapy but only works in conjunction with correcting the neurochemical issues.

 

You seem to have insight into how inappropriate your behavior toward him is, yet continue to feel compelled to do it. Some mood disorders become like run-away trains when patients (often, like you) decide they don't need meds and their providers are wrong.

she's not trained specifically for DBT or CBT

 

Sometimes when I see my nurse practitioner we talk about things related to my mental health and she's really supportive as well. I've been going to her for years as well (longer than my therapist) so she knows my background a little better. As of right now I'm only taking Luvox, once a day. I just started yesterday so I know obviously it's gonna take some time to work.

 

Before that I was taking a plethora of drugs from SSRIs to antipsychotics. But the psychiatrist I was seeing wasn't really helping as he was only giving samples of the latest meds on the market not specific to my needs.

[alexa5207]

Why did you go off the meds? Having serious mood disorders with psychotic features needs constant surveillance and follow up by a team of professions from your NP PCP, the therapist (hopefully a qualified psychologist-who are All trained in CBT, as that is the standard of care) and a psychiatrist to specifically review your symptoms and provided targeted medical treatment.

 

Unfortunately it's very common to discontinue medication and have doubts, fears, paranoia about the treatment regardless of how appropriate or effective it is. That is why some mood disorders are difficult to treat. Talk therapy in these cases is supportive therapy but only works in conjunction with correcting the neurochemical issues.

 

You seem to have insight into how inappropriate your behavior toward him is, yet continue to feel compelled to do it. Some mood disorders become like run-away trains when patients (often, like you) decide they don't need meds and their providers are wrong.

 

I know I need meds in conjunction with the proper therapy. However, with my insurance it's hard to find the appropriate therapist.

 

I'm on an SSRI now specifically targeted for OCD and anxiety. It's only day 2 but I'm feeling a little different. A little more calm. I have not contacted him at all and have not felt compelled to do so like I normally would. The urge is still there but it seems to be a little bit easier to resist.

 

I'm still plagued by these thoughts though and I just wanna reach out to him for reassurance but I know I can't.

[alexa5207]

No the real irony would be if you left him, walked away, ended this lunacy, which clearly is not making you happy, in fact quite the opposite, you would accomplish what you've been hoping to accomplish when dating him.

 

And that is -- he would begin obsessing about you.

 

If he's still obsessing about this woman, like you seem to think, after all this time, then he's like many people -- he desires, craves, longs for, obsesses about things and people he cannot have.

 

A healthy man would have moved on. And as j.man said, upon being harassed about it by his gf ad nauseum, would have walked away himself. Nor would he be bringing her up himself, especially to his new girlfriend!

 

You want to be the woman he obsesses about?

 

Then quit hassling him and walk away. Let him long for you, crave you like you seem to think he's doing about this other chic.

 

Problem is, you will have to stay away for good which would be better for you anyway. As this entire situation is completely dysfunctional, unhealthy and toxic.

 

And jmo but I would suggest you find new therapist, she sounds more like a friend than therapist.

 

You said she advised you to delete him? Ugh.

 

A good therapist does not give advice. They provide you with the emotional tools to make those decisions yourself.

 

No wonder you're still where you are! And haven't progressed emotionally or in your mental health.

 

Anyway, just my two cents, fwiw.

 

Best of luck.

 

Yea I've often wondered if he was one of those guys that only sought after the unattainable. Although, it could just be that she was his first real experience hanging out with a girl one on one and he's finding it hard to let that go? I don't know. He doesn't bring her up unless I do and he always asks me not to but then he'll cave when he sees how much pain it's causing me by keeping it inside.

 

I know it's an unhealthy dynamic. I'm trying to ween myself of him, so to speak. I asked him recently if he and I broke up if he would talk to her again. He said if he's that low and depressed, it's possible. Yes I know I shouldn't be asking him these things but I just don't get his answers sometimes. Sends me into a whirlwind and thus the cycle continues. He saw that I got mad by his answer so he retracted and said he would never talk to her again.

 

My therapist has become more like my friend. It's unfortunate bc she's a really nice person and does offer some solid advice sometimes. She said HE should've deleted HER. Not that I should've deleted HIM. He's come with me to therapy before and she began digging in HIS closet and I felt so bad bc I felt like she was putting the blame solely on him. I wanted advice on how WE could make it better, not just HIM.

 

Anyway, this is all just a mess so I'm just gonna focus on myself and getting better for me bc I know this isn't working.

[alexa5207]

I know I need meds in conjunction with the proper therapy. However, with my insurance it's hard to find the appropriate therapist.

 

I'm on an SSRI now specifically targeted for OCD and anxiety. It's only day 2 but I'm feeling a little different. A little more calm. I have not contacted him at all and have not felt compelled to do so like I normally would. The urge is still there but it seems to be a little bit easier to resist.

 

I'm still plagued by these thoughts though and I just wanna reach out to him for reassurance but I know I can't.

 

Btw, it's not a mood disorder. I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, OCD and anxiety.

[bluecastle]

I'm really struggling to get a read on your bf, honestly. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but he was a 30something virgin when you met? Whose "dating" experience was limited to crushing on a "friend" who dangled the occasional semi-manipulative selfie carrot? Who had not physically seen this "friend" for three months when you guys started hanging? And whose "questionable" behavior consists of (a) hiding his social posts from this friend after meeting you and (b) waiting nine days to delete her from IG after you guys were exclusive?

 

If that's more or less accurate all I can say is that I have no idea how your friends and therapist can have such a harsh, threatening read on him. Be honest: Do you feel you twist the story a bit so they'll become sounding boards magnifying your worst fears? Or is there some kind of player/not-fully-present vibe he gives off that you're not conveying here?

 

Because he sounds, to these ears, about as threatening as a 7th grader, his "baggage" coming into this whole thing about as light as a feather.

 

It also, from what you've written here, doesn't sound like he's had much trouble letting her go—like, at all. He doesn't follow her, hasn't in over a year. He brings her up only when you go into interrogation mode, which I assume has been more or less constant? Which kind of sounds like you've had a much harder time letting her go than he has, like the only reason she is remotely still part of his life and mental/emotional landscape is because you keep putting her there.

 

Not sure if you and your therapist have talked about things like "letting go" and where ego comes into that—but, well, food for thought.

 

As for the blocking her from seeing his posts—honestly, that sounds like a healthy move that was respectful to the new thing developing between the two of you. Meaning: he understood that she had a habit of poking him for attention, that those pokes affected him, and maybe he didn't want her using his posts of cats and sunsets and whatever as an excuse to whittle back into his life, since he knew she could get under his skin in an ultimately meaningless way.

 

Or something. And water long under the bridge, no?

 

Regardless, I really, really think you need some time to yourself. To be comfortable in your skin, to know your power, and to really figure out what you want from a man and romance. I'm talking about the good stuff: humor, sexual this and that, compassion, passion for things., a certain vibe, whatever. Because, as is, it sounds like your criteria is that someone never leaves you and never hurts you, which is the stuff no one can ever promise. One, people leave each other all the time. Two, people in relationships do hurt each other; it's part of the bargain. You hope you choose someone who will hurt you by, say, forgetting to take out the trash rather than cheating on you—and even that is a dice roll.

 

I mean, the questions about whether or not he'd talk to her if you broke up? I cringe reading that, as I imagine you cringe while asking it. In his shoes, a question like that would send me to the door. Why? Not simply because I'd be annoyed and tired of being on trial for phantom crimes and phantom apocalyptic futures, but because I'd be desperate to be seen as something other than a safety net. I'd want to be seen and appreciated as, you know, me.

 

And I imagine you want that too, in the big picture. To get that you have to get to know yourself more—not just the hurt and pain that's come on the journey, but the deep core magic that is you. Start tapping into that, getting stoked on all that, and you'll find your lens will shift when it comes to dating. You won't worry so much about hurt, because you know you can process it, heal. You'll worry instead about being excited and being known, seen, heard.

 

Because—to end this long ramble—I think one of the big underlying things here is that you don't actually much like this man or feel he really gets you. Minus all the tension surrounding these talks, is there anything there to hang a hat on, get thrilled about?

[katrina1980]

Yea I've often wondered if he was one of those guys that only sought after the unattainable. Although, it could just be that she was his first real experience hanging out with a girl one on one and he's finding it hard to let that go? I don't know. He doesn't bring her up unless I do and he always asks me not to but then he'll cave when he sees how much pain it's causing me by keeping it inside.

 

I know it's an unhealthy dynamic. I'm trying to ween myself of him, so to speak. I asked him recently if he and I broke up if he would talk to her again. He said if he's that low and depressed, it's possible. Yes I know I shouldn't be asking him these things but I just don't get his answers sometimes. Sends me into a whirlwind and thus the cycle continues. He saw that I got mad by his answer so he retracted and said he would never talk to her again.

 

My therapist has become more like my friend. It's unfortunate bc she's a really nice person and does offer some solid advice sometimes. She said HE should've deleted HER. Not that I should've deleted HIM. He's come with me to therapy before and she began digging in HIS closet and I felt so bad bc I felt like she was putting the blame solely on him. I wanted advice on how WE could make it better, not just HIM.

 

Anyway, this is all just a mess so I'm just gonna focus on myself and getting better for me bc I know this isn't working.

 

Well, thank you for responding; it was late and I had had a few too many gin fizz's lol , and reading my post back now, it was a bit harsh, apologies.

 

Bluecastle makes good points, you are definitely self-sabotaging by always being the one to bring her up.

 

You are the one who's obsessed with her, not him.

 

Can you stop doing that? Or does your BPD (borderline) prevent you from controlling such impulses? Serious question.

 

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 years ago, but the symptoms are different unless one has both, which is not uncommon.

 

Fortunately I don't have Borderline, just the bipolar. I'm not on meds anymore, stopped years ago, and now manage my symptoms with exercise, yoga, healthy eating, and various calming exercises when my brain starts spinning.

 

Anyway, I don't have more to add, bcastle and some others have nailed it, just wanted to say I undestand mental illness and wish you the best with your struggle. xx

[alexa5207]

I'm really struggling to get a read on your bf, honestly. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but he was a 30something virgin when you met? Whose "dating" experience was limited to crushing on a "friend" who dangled the occasional semi-manipulative selfie carrot? Who had not physically seen this "friend" for three months when you guys started hanging? And whose "questionable" behavior consists of (a) hiding his social posts from this friend after meeting you and (b) waiting nine days to delete her from IG after you guys were exclusive?

 

If that's more or less accurate all I can say is that I have no idea how your friends and therapist can have such a harsh, threatening read on him. Be honest: Do you feel you twist the story a bit so they'll become sounding boards magnifying your worst fears? Or is there some kind of player/not-fully-present vibe he gives off that you're not conveying here?

 

Because he sounds, to these ears, about as threatening as a 7th grader, his "baggage" coming into this whole thing about as light as a feather.

 

It also, from what you've written here, doesn't sound like he's had much trouble letting her go—like, at all. He doesn't follow her, hasn't in over a year. He brings her up only when you go into interrogation mode, which I assume has been more or less constant? Which kind of sounds like you've had a much harder time letting her go than he has, like the only reason she is remotely still part of his life and mental/emotional landscape is because you keep putting her there.

 

Not sure if you and your therapist have talked about things like "letting go" and where ego comes into that—but, well, food for thought.

 

As for the blocking her from seeing his posts—honestly, that sounds like a healthy move that was respectful to the new thing developing between the two of you. Meaning: he understood that she had a habit of poking him for attention, that those pokes affected him, and maybe he didn't want her using his posts of cats and sunsets and whatever as an excuse to whittle back into his life, since he knew she could get under his skin in an ultimately meaningless way.

 

Or something. And water long under the bridge, no?

 

Regardless, I really, really think you need some time to yourself. To be comfortable in your skin, to know your power, and to really figure out what you want from a man and romance. I'm talking about the good stuff: humor, sexual this and that, compassion, passion for things., a certain vibe, whatever. Because, as is, it sounds like your criteria is that someone never leaves you and never hurts you, which is the stuff no one can ever promise. One, people leave each other all the time. Two, people in relationships do hurt each other; it's part of the bargain. You hope you choose someone who will hurt you by, say, forgetting to take out the trash rather than cheating on you—and even that is a dice roll.

 

I mean, the questions about whether or not he'd talk to her if you broke up? I cringe reading that, as I imagine you cringe while asking it. In his shoes, a question like that would send me to the door. Why? Not simply because I'd be annoyed and tired of being on trial for phantom crimes and phantom apocalyptic futures, but because I'd be desperate to be seen as something other than a safety net. I'd want to be seen and appreciated as, you know, me.

 

And I imagine you want that too, in the big picture. To get that you have to get to know yourself more—not just the hurt and pain that's come on the journey, but the deep core magic that is you. Start tapping into that, getting stoked on all that, and you'll find your lens will shift when it comes to dating. You won't worry so much about hurt, because you know you can process it, heal. You'll worry instead about being excited and being known, seen, heard.

 

Because—to end this long ramble—I think one of the big underlying things here is that you don't actually much like this man or feel he really gets you. Minus all the tension surrounding these talks, is there anything there to hang a hat on, get thrilled about?

 

No, that's a pretty accurate assessment of him. It was four months since he saw her when he and I started talking. Supposedly. And while he did unfollow her from Instagram on his own, he deleted her on Facebook a couple of days later bc that's when I found out about their history and got upset that he removed her from IG and not FB. So I don't know if he would've eventually deleted her on his own. And him keeping her on FB is why I questioned whether or not he still had feelings for her.

 

And honestly speaking, I do tell my friends and therapist everything. All that I do and what he does bc I want to get accurate, unbiased advice. I have one friend who really isn't afraid of calling me out on my sh*t and has told me flat out "Alexa, you're being a d*ck" -- and I respect that and appreciate it bc that's the only way I'm ever gonna grow. But unfortunately I don't get to speak to him as often as I'd like bc he lives in the UK and I'm in the US so our schedules and time zone tend to clash. But for the friends I have here and my therapist, based on what I tell them, they say he's childish, keep my eyes open, and that he doesn't give a sh*t about me, he's just using me. My therapist has even began delving into HIS psyche, all the while confirming to me that it MUST be him. She seems to think he's some sort of masochist that craves being bullied on a deeper, psychological level bc that's all that he knows and she feels like this girl bullied him. But when I treat him well, he doesn't withdrawl or anything, he's very receptive. On the contrary, when I treat him bad, he DOES withdrawl and become distant. So I don't understand how she could come to that conclusion. But I tell her a lot and she's met with him and had a session with us once so I figured she'd know better than me, right?

 

And I can see it from your point of view of why he blocked her and in a way, it's sort of respectful to me knowing that she could attempt to poke the bear, so to speak, and he tried to avoid that. But I guess I just can't understand why not just delete her altogether then and NEVER have to worry about that? That's what makes it seem like his actions were more like "I'm gonna put you in time out while I play with my new friend, but if it doesn't work out, I'll come back and play with you" -- and maybe that kind of thinking isn't bad, hell maybe it's normal. But it makes ME feel like I'm just a rebound who didn't get his all bc she remained on the back burner. And if not for me forcing him to delete her, she might still be there. Does that make sense?

 

And I guess none of this would be an issue if my boyfriend explained things the way that you do. And maybe it's due to his inexperience but he doesn't express himself effectively.

 

All this aside, do I really care for him as a person? Yes. If I were to remove all of this would I be excited over him? Yes. We get along great without all of this background noise that has managed to become the forefront of our relationship, thanks to me. We both share the same silly/goofy personality and he's one of the funniest people I've ever met. So there's definitely more underneath the surface.

[alexa5207]

Well, thank you for responding; it was late and I had had a few too many gin fizz's lol , and reading my post back now, it was a bit harsh, apologies.

 

Bluecastle makes good points, you are definitely self-sabotaging by always being the one to bring her up.

 

You are the one who's obsessed with her, not him.

 

Can you stop doing that? Or does your BPD (borderline) prevent you from controlling such impulses? Serious question.

 

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 years ago, but the symptoms are different unless one has both, which is not uncommon.

 

Fortunately I don't have Borderline, just the bipolar. I'm not on meds anymore, stopped years ago, and now manage my symptoms with exercise, yoga, healthy eating, and various calming exercises when my brain starts spinning.

 

Anyway, I don't have more to add, bcastle and some others have nailed it, just wanted to say I undestand mental illness and wish you the best with your struggle. xx

 

Hi, it's ok. I really think my obsession with bringing her up stems more from my OCD/anxiety than the BPD. But mental disorders DO tend to overlapso who's to say for sure which it comes from. I guess it doesn't really matter so long as I can keep it under control. I think with the right meds and a new therapist, (still gonna keep my current one but cheat on her a bit) then yes it could be controlled. As of now I am taking Luvox. It hasn't been long but honestly I'm feeling some changes. Not sure if it's psychosomatic but I still have the obsessive thoughts but I haven't reached out to him once for reassurance. Very unlike me. So I am slowly feeling something. And I'm optimistic. My obsessive thoughts used to be at 100. Now I'd say they're probably an 80. Not great but also for only 3 days on this medication, I'd say that's amazing. Though it could also be from all the help I'm receiving here. Who knows. I'm starting a daily journal to keep track of where my emotions/obsessions are and (hopefully) see how they gradually decrease over time. My doctor only gave me a month supply for now and we'll see after that. But I'm hopeful as so far this *seems* to be the only medication to have worked by a long shot. *knock on wood*

 

Thank you for sharing your personal struggle with Bipolar. I wish you the best in your mental recovery as well xx