Do I tell my Fiancé?

[mustlovedogs]

Don’t blame a single bit of this on him. It was you.

[jaqueline24]

I blocked his phone # and him off Snapchat. I do not and will not talk l to that person ever again. And about me being ready for marriage, I do know I love this man and I’m wanting him to my husband for sure but since I cheated I’m kind of questioning myself and feeling really guilty

[jaqueline24]

It was me I do not blame him at all. My mistake

[jaqueline24]

Right, so me having these insecurities started when I lost my job a few months ago so I’ve been isolated at home all day every day and haven’t been getting myself “put together” and gaining weight so I’ve felt very self conscious but I know that is NO excuse for my actions

[SherrySher]

It's not the going out that is the problem. Whether you are single or in a relationship, it's always healthy to have time on your own.

 

The problem comes in when you can't be loyal while away from your partner or are looking at the opposite sex and wondering what they're like, etc.

 

When those thoughts come into your head, you need to ask yourself if you truly do love your partner, if you're ready to be in a fully committed relationship or are there curiosities you still feel the need to deal with.

 

You said that you feel how you behaved came from being insecure and needing validation in the form of other mens attentions.

If that's true, then again, you're not ready to be in a marriage or in a serious relationship, you need to be getting personal counselling to deal with those insecurities.

 

I'm assuming you're both young and still have a lot yet to learn about yourselves. There's nothing wrong with that, we all went through that stage. But it's also something you should realize and place marriage on hold for now and maybe for a long time to come.

[jaqueline24]

Thank you. I definitely need to work on myself.

[boltnrun]

Right, so me having these insecurities started when I lost my job a few months ago so I’ve been isolated at home all day every day and haven’t been getting myself “put together” and gaining weight so I’ve felt very self conscious but I know that is NO excuse for my actions

 

I don't get how making out with a strange man was supposed to make any of that better.

 

Instead, you hurt someone you claim to love.

 

Maybe you feel you don't deserve him and are therefore trying to sabotage the relationship.

[jaqueline24]

Sometimes I do feel like he deserves better but he always chooses me... I definitely think I need to work on myself..

[ThatwasThen]

Sometimes I do feel like he deserves better but he always chooses me... I definitely think I need to work on myself..

 

You can truly love your partner and still find others attractive. We don't suddenly go blind after getting with someone we love romantically. A good boundary for you to set for yourself is that when you are out with the girls, you don't go to places where they will be trying to get laid. You stick to places that are neutral such as out to dinner and share a bottle of wine or to the movies and then home. If your single friends want to go to get picked up then you don't go.

 

While you're at it, get yourself on a good eating plan, work out, get a make over and learn to appreciate yourself for who you are. Get your mindset to the stage where you know you're confident and a worthy partner to your man. If you can't do that on your own then there is no shame in hooking up with a life coach or a therapist to help you along in your love of self.

 

Cheers. Time to forgive yourself and make it clear in tangible ways that you love who you are with and won't be doing that again.

[SherrySher]

I understand it..at least if I go back to my twenty some thinking I can understand.

 

You have a partner that you've been with for a long time, you don't know if he is with you due to the longevity or if he truly loves you. You feel overweight, maybe still curious if other people would still want you, possibly scared to only be with one person the rest of your life, and so on.

 

But once you get to an older age, those thoughts change. You start realizing that your partner is your partner, no matter what, and you don't want anyone else or even consider it. You find someone with whom you feel confident in and you know they love you. You won't need anymore validation from strangers or even care for that nonsense anymore.

You really will be ready for one person the rest of your life and you'll feel happy and relieved that have found the right fit.

 

But I don't think you're there yet, Jaqueline and I think you've got quite a ways to go. I am speaking in terms of being (guessing) 20 years ahead of you.

Time, and experience really does create wisdom and changes how you view the world.

 

It's okay to not be ready, it's okay to have self doubt and need to work on yourself before any lifelong commitments. It's okay to not have all the answers and need more time to figure out who you are and to gain more confidence in yourself and in your relationships.

 

But be honest about it with yourself and with your partner. He might be in a different place than you and is ready.

Give each other space right now, time to reflect and time to figure out what will be best for you both.

[ThatwasThen]

IMO, Jackqueline, one bad decision does not make you not ready to be with your long term partner. Work on yourself with professional help if you can't get there on your own and I'm sure you two will be just fine. Get working on getting another job so that you improve your self-worth and you start to feel like you have value.

[Seraphim]

I admire your honesty.

[MissCanuck]

How old are you and your boyfriend, OP?

[jaqueline24]

I am 23 and he is 24

[itsallgrand]

I think you can love someone and want to be their wife, and yet not be ready with the skills and perspective it takes to make it a reasonably viable endeavour.

I really liked SherryShers post on that.

 

It's ok to admit to being in over your head.

[SherrySher]

I think you can love someone and want to be their wife, and yet not be ready with the skills and perspective it takes to make it a reasonably viable endeavour.

 

Absolutely.

 

Give you and he some time. After all, you've got lots of time and marriage is meant to be for life. Wait until you are both truly ready and feel it's the right time.

You're still both very young and are figuring yourselves out.

 

Now, is not the right time. But that doesn't mean it won't be, eventually.

[jaqueline24]

Thank you very much

[SherrySher]

Seraphim is right too...honesty and integrity are the two greatest things a person can have.

 

You did wrong but were woman enough to admit what you did and were fair to him. You didn't have to, you could have kept it to yourself and/or lied.

 

But you did the right thing, don't ever change that in yourself.

[Annia]

Hey everyone so I wanted to let y’all know that I told him everything. He was upset, still is and I knew he would be but he’s willing to give me a second chance. I asked him why and he said because he proposed to me for a reason and that reason is that he loves me no matter what. He asked me why I did it and my answer is that I felt like I wasn’t good enough (attractive. I’m very insecure) in our relationship and it felt good to have someone into me and I apoligized. I feel so guilty and I know I am but anyway, we decided to call off the engagement

 

Ok but why blame him for your cheating? You indirectly said it was because you didn't feel attractive and desired in the relationship which indirectly seems like you're putting part of the blame on him when it was your and your choice only.

[Wiseman2]

This is a very wise choice. It's time to reflect on what's going on.

And about me being ready for marriage, I do know I love this man and I’m wanting him to my husband for sure but since I cheated I’m kind of questioning myself and feeling really guilty

[Batya33]

I'd resist the urge to indulge in "feeling guilty' -if you want to get yourself ready for a committed relationship in general (not to him -let him go and find someone who is ready like he is now) then if you are feeling guilty you have to figure out what actions you can take to avoid making the mistake in the future -indulging in just the feeling or beating yourself up isn't going to help you learn and grow.

[ThatwasThen]

Ok but why blame him for your cheating? You indirectly said it was because you didn't feel attractive and desired in the relationship which indirectly seems like you're putting part of the blame on him when it was your and your choice only.

 

I think we all have to accept that when someone in the relationship is not feeling valued then it is the fault of the person making the other feel that way. There is blame to be designated within that relationship. However: That is still no reason to cheat. It is up to anyone who is not feeling valued in a relationship to speak to our partner about how we are being made to feel and then leave if things don't improve.

 

OP: How was your b/f making you feel undervalued? Did you talk to him about your feelings? If not, why not?

[mustlovedogs]

I think we all have to accept that when someone in the relationship is not feeling valued then it is the fault of the person making the other feel that way. There is blame to be designated within that relationship. However: That is still no reason to cheat. It is up to anyone who is not feeling valued in a relationship to speak to our partner about how we are being made to feel and then leave if things don't improve.

 

OP: How was your b/f making you feel undervalued? Did you talk to him about your feelings? If not, why not?

 

I disagree.

 

To some extent a SO can make us feel valued - but we need our own confidence to feel independently valuable.

[boltnrun]

"He asked me why I did it and my answer is that I felt like I wasn’t good enough (attractive. I’m very insecure) in our relationship"...

 

He didn't "make her feel" insecure and unattractive. She said in a later post that she sometimes thinks he can do better but he keeps choosing her.

 

How does that make him to blame for her cheating?

[Batya33]

I don't think one mistake has to end a relationship. In her case, her reasons for cheating and her reactions tell me she's probably not ready to marry him and I don't think it's fair for him to wait for her to be ready to marry him- it's up to him of course. They've only been engaged three months so this doesn't bode well.