Trust issues: Should I say anything to him or not?

[bluecastle]

In one case, as BF explained it to my friend, he was following various women on SM, then it escalated to liking, then to them liking him back, then escalating to sending a message, which lead to more messages, which lead to them wanting to meet, which lead to cheating.

 

Social media can be very addicting, which is one reason why I don't have, nor does my bf and our RL is so calm and peaceful in that regard, not perfect by any stretch, but at least we don't worry about the minutiae of what we're doing on social media and whether or not we should be concerned about it.

 

Could not agree more. Heck, one need only to peer into my past threads to see that I got knotted up in social media not long ago, and being old enough to remember life and love before social media I have to say I've noticed a difference in relationships and romance since it became such a thing. Sharper edges, shallower waters, insecurities that once laid dormant are now sizzling out there left and right.

 

OP, I like your thoughts on it all, and your boundaries. But let that stuff surface at a different time, a warmer time, a calmer time.

[pippy longstocking]

Could not agree more. Heck, one need only to peer into my past threads to see that I got knotted up in social media not long ago, and being old enough to remember life and love before social media I have to say I've noticed a difference in relationships and romance since it became such a thing. Sharper edges, shallower waters, insecurities that once laid dormant are now sizzling out there left and right.

 

OP, I like your thoughts on it all, and your boundaries. But let that stuff surface at a different time, a warmer time, a calmer time.

 

aye , I grew up with snot on my face , mud on my knees and a fiver in my pocket for fish and chips and a bottle of cider to have in the park later .

[j.man]

Do not use an exclusively talk as a segue to set "boundaries" on who can follow who on social media. What does "random" women mean anyhow? Are you supposed to question the nature of his relations to whatever women he decides to add? If for whatever reason you just can't handle his social media activity, dump him. It's an absurdly low point to start setting guidelines from.

[Batya33]

Please don't tell yourself that it's just that you "feel emotions deeply" -that's not what this is about at all -it's about you choosing to act on emotions with someone you don't know that well yet and who had a planned long vacation on top of that. Certainly it can be a huge positive to feel emotions deeply - when those feelings motivate you to be a giving person to people who deserve it and from a position of self-confidence. You're way too far ahead of yourself right now with this person and that's your choice -not to control your emotions -to control your reactions.

 

See what happens when he returns. I would have concerns about his values and integrity but perhaps when he returns you two can resolve things and talk things out. Good luck and good luck with your work deadline!

[sensitivegirl0]

I would have concerns about his values and integrity but perhaps when he returns you two can resolve things and talk things out. Good luck and good luck with your work deadline!

 

First of all, thank you.

 

But i didnt get about the part when you said his values and integrity. You mean teh fact that he is telling me he turned down the invitation of teh girl he was seeing 2 years ago?

[katrina1980]

Ok, good advice. its best to wait, I will try to disconnect from social media as well in the meantime.

 

I would actually try and disconnect from his social media permanently. Just don't concern yourself with it.

 

Focus on your interaction with him, your connection with him, your relationship with him.

 

Checking his social media activity will drive you absolutely bonkers, and leads to what bc mentioned, insecurity, suspicion, trust issues, the list goes on.

 

Just don't do it, he's given you quite a bit of reassurance, more than many men would I can tell you that, so when he returns, discuss exclusivity and leave it at that.

 

Okay admit him sending you the screen shot was a bit weird, but best to not jump to conclusions about it, just see how this plays out when he returns.

 

I know I said earlier to define boundaries re social media, but upon further reflection, heck it's social media, I think we often place too much emphasis on it and it causes a lot of unnecessary problems and drama.

 

As I said earlier, either you trust him or you don't and if you don't such that you need to check his SM, then you have no business dating him.

 

You're his gf, not his parole officer, there is no need to monitor him and possibly cause drama for yourself or your RL where none exists.

[Batya33]

I would actually try and disconnect from his social media permanently. Just don't concern yourself with it.

 

Focus on your interaction with him, your connection with him, your relationship with him.

 

Checking his social media activity will drive you absolutely bonkers, and leads to what bc mentioned, insecurity, suspicion, trust issues, the list goes on.

 

Just don't do it, he's given you quite a bit of reassurance, more than many men would I can tell you that, so when he returns, discuss exclusivity and leave it at that.

 

I know I said earlier to define boundaries re social media, but upon further reflection, heck it's social media, I think we often place too much emphasis on it and it causes a lot of unnecessary problems and drama.

 

As I said earlier, either you trust him or you don't and if you don't such that you need to check his SM, then you have no business dating him.

 

You're his gf, not his parole officer, there is no need to monitor him and possibly cause drama for yourself or your RL where none exists.

 

Yes, all of this.

[abitbroken]

He might of told you he is going to ask you to be exclusive when he comes back to sort of 'softball' the idea to you -- to see if you reacted well to the idea. It would be weird to say "let's be exclusive" and then not see you for two weeks, right?

 

He could have shared the text of the girl asking him out because he already senses your insecurity, or just wants to be totally open with you.

 

I agree -- who cares who he follows on social media. It is the nature of people under a certain age to follow everyone you run into. I follow a lot of guys because they are in my industry and its important to all be connected like that.

 

 

So - decide if you want to continue dating him - or not. But relax

[bluecastle]

I would actually try and disconnect from his social media permanently. Just don't concern yourself with it.

 

Focus on your interaction with him, your connection with him, your relationship with him.

 

Checking his social media activity will drive you absolutely bonkers, and leads to what bc mentioned, insecurity, suspicion, trust issues, the list goes on.

 

Just don't do it, he's given you quite a bit of reassurance, more than many men would I can tell you that, so when he returns, discuss exclusivity and leave it at that.

 

Okay admit him sending you the screen shot was a bit weird, but best to not jump to conclusions about it, just see how this plays out when he returns.

 

I know I said earlier to define boundaries re social media, but upon further reflection, heck it's social media, I think we often place too much emphasis on it and it causes a lot of unnecessary problems and drama.

 

As I said earlier, either you trust him or you don't and if you don't such that you need to check his SM, then you have no business dating him.

 

You're his gf, not his parole officer, there is no need to monitor him and possibly cause drama for yourself or your RL where none exists.

 

Yes, all of this x 100.

 

For what it's worth, OP, I delete Instagram from my phone all the time, especially during times like this. If I get even a whiff that it's causing me anxiety—well, um, no. Time to remove from the phone until I can scroll around with perspective.

 

If I need to feel anxious, the source is not going to be pixels in a curated nonsense world. I'll let global warming do that, my mother's mortality, the political climate, a challenging project at work, and, of course, genuine feelings for a genuine person. I refuse to allow followers and likes—on my own page or another's—have that kind of power over me, or to be the glue or friction at the core of a relationship.

 

So maybe just delete the app for a bit? Feels weird for a moment, and then, I assure you, it feels really, really good.

 

I also kind of want to edit out my comment about boundaries and social media. It's really not a place you want to spend too much time sorting through. Like, 20 minutes ago a woman followed me—seems we work in similar fields, have some friends in common. I followed her back without a second thought, much the way I did when a friend's wife (as well another's bf) started following me after a fun dinner party a few weeks ago.

 

Was trying to imagine (thinking of this thread) a world in which my gf (don't have one right now) brought that up and we had a "talk" and, well, I don't think that's really a world anyone wants to live in.

 

Trust builds slowly, over time; anxiety is trust's enemy; social media is an anxiety factory.

 

Riff over.

[purplepaisley]

I'm chiming in late, but I find his need to boast about the many people (women) he's meeting and the need to make it clear his ex contacted him and to send a screen shot "red-flaggy." This breeds insecurity in the recipient. It's not honesty, it's purposefully creating unrest and jealousy, and purposely breeding insecurity, along with bragging and an ego boost...I am wanted and can screw around with just about anyone, just so ya' know. Someone earlier posted an experience where she was hit on by a man, and there really was no reason to share this exchange with her husband/boyfriend as it was such a non-issue. It was dealt with and in the past. Sharing this with her SO would accomplish what, exactly? Inducing insecurity in her SO? Letting him know she still "has it" and can leave at any moment? I just find this "open honesty" more of a doom than a blessing.

 

What has this accomplished for you, OP? He has made it very clear he's meeting lots of people (women), and this ex of his is sniffing after him. In return, you have developed anxiety and have noticed that he has "friended up" with a lot of bikini babes, yet no men, and there's also this ex....but gosh-golly, he's being soooo transparent. No, he's emotionally jabbing at you. I doubt it's intentional, but one questions his maturity, his ability to gauge choices and outcome, and what the expected outcome will be, even if all of this is brewing subconsciously...there's something going on, and it's not good. I wish I could find the words to describe it, but I guess I find that this "transparency" and "honesty" really only accomplishes unrest and insecurity. We all have to pick our battles and choose our hills to die on, and if this guy is truly "over" his ex-girlfriend, there really was no need to share this exchange with you. Not now, when things are brand new and he's partying for two weeks with hot chicks. Maybe a year or five years from now, he might fill you in on some of these things...you might have some stories yourself, but right now? I can feel the anxiety with that "share", and I'm feeling agitated over it, and I'm not even personally invested.

 

I agree with the majority here. You barely know this guy and you need to "let it go." Just enjoy the ride for now. When he's back, you date. Avoid thinking too far in advance of future and marriage and babies and happily ever after...just one date, and then another date, and then another date.

[sensitivegirl0]

I'm chiming in late, but I find his need to boast about the many people (women) he's meeting and the need to make it clear his ex contacted him and to send a screen shot "red-flaggy." This breeds insecurity in the recipient. It's not honesty, it's purposefully creating unrest and jealousy, and purposely breeding insecurity, along with bragging and an ego boost...I am wanted and can screw around with just about anyone, just so ya' know. Someone earlier posted an experience where she was hit on by a man, and there really was no reason to share this exchange with her husband/boyfriend as it was such a non-issue. It was dealt with and in the past. Sharing this with her SO would accomplish what, exactly? Inducing insecurity in her SO? Letting him know she still "has it" and can leave at any moment? I just find this "open honesty" more of a doom than a blessing.

 

What has this accomplished for you, OP? He has made it very clear he's meeting lots of people (women), and this ex of his is sniffing after him. In return, you have developed anxiety and have noticed that he has "friended up" with a lot of bikini babes, yet no men, and there's also this ex....but gosh-golly, he's being soooo transparent. No, he's emotionally jabbing at you. I doubt it's intentional, but one questions his maturity, his ability to gauge choices and outcome, and what the expected outcome will be, even if all of this is brewing subconsciously...there's something going on, and it's not good. I wish I could find the words to describe it, but I guess I find that this "transparency" and "honesty" really only accomplishes unrest and insecurity. We all have to pick our battles and choose our hills to die on, and if this guy is truly "over" his ex-girlfriend, there really was no need to share this exchange with you. Not now, when things are brand new and he's partying for two weeks with hot chicks. Maybe a year or five years from now, he might fill you in on some of these things...you might have some stories yourself, but right now? I can feel the anxiety with that "share", and I'm feeling agitated over it, and I'm not even personally invested.

 

I agree with the majority here. You barely know this guy and you need to "let it go." Just enjoy the ride for now. When he's back, you date. Avoid thinking too far in advance of future and marriage and babies and happily ever after...just one date, and then another date, and then another date.

 

Thank you for thoughtful comment. I really get your points.

 

When he mentioned the ex messaging him (this happened two days ago), he told me in the text something like this: btw guess what happened, a girl i was seeing texted me bla bla bla, I dont know if you care but i turned her invitation down and deleted her on instagram.

 

In his first day I asked him how is everyting? who is he with? how are the people in group? and when he mentioned that he will be with 13 girls 7 guys and 2 couple. i was not happy to hear it, to be honest, until he went there i didnt think about it, i didnt think that he will be there with random people, there willbe girls, they will party, camp, eat together etc for 2 weeks. So I got jeaolous a bit. But i said to myself. until now he has been good to me. he has been trustworthy etc. so dont worry. i just replied something like: wow that sounds like an adventure, hope you enjoy your stay etc. I was on my way to a party, i told him that. he told me have fun (he was upset that he couldnt make it to the party with me because he was going to meet my friends).

 

anyways, then we couldnt speak for 2 days (there was no internet where they stayed).

 

When he finally messaged me, at the end of his message he said something like, so you missed me? or is it ok if i dont come back and laughed. then we start talking about how we missed each otehr. he was like he missed me, in fact, the more people he meets and talks the more he understands how special i am for him (i didnt take this message as a compliement, it was more like creating insecurity for me, but again i didnt say anyting) then i think next day he randomly told me the message about the girl he used to see.

 

It might be the case that he might think that I dont care about him (since i didnt get jealous - ofcourse thats what he thinks), he might be trying to get a reaction from me? It might be that he also has insecurities.

 

On the other hand, I think i am quite expressive about my feelings and interst for him.

 

but regardless of all this - i agree with all of you, i will slow down and get to know him more until i decide to jump into somethng serious. im more cautious now after comments here.

[purplepaisley]

Sensitivegirl0, let me ask you, when you talk to your friends or family about a party or event you attend, do you make it a POINT to describe all the MEN you're meeting? I mean, as someone who is considering herself "off the market" and not really interested in meeting, dating, or hooking up with men (for now), do you find yourself compelled to exaggerate or brag about the MEN and all the MEN you're meeting, or do you talk to your friends about the PEOPLE you're meeting, and since you're not really interested, they all lump into a gender-neutral group of fun and interesting people? You may notice a hot girl and that top accentuates her cleavage and you're going to have to try to replicate that, and that guy...yummy...but you don't make it a POINT to to exaggerate the MALES you are meeting and turning them into the main conversation focus.

 

There's something seriously wrong with being very exaggerated in his descriptions of all the women he's "hanging out" with, and then signing up and following their social media (but no men)..."but it just makes me appreciate you more, babe"...no...just no.

 

Your relationship is still very new and you have to deal with this trip and absence, so the momentum is getting lost, but I would tread very, very carefully with this guy. There's something going on with him under the surface, and maybe it turns out to be nothing, but maybe you're walking into a minefield. If you want to see this play out, be mindful and careful.

[sensitivegirl0]

Sensitivegirl0, let me ask you, when you talk to your friends or family about a party or event you attend, do you make it a POINT to describe all the MEN you're meeting? I mean, as someone who is considering herself "off the market" and not really interested in meeting, dating, or hooking up with men (for now), do you find yourself compelled to exaggerate or brag about the MEN and all the MEN you're meeting, or do you talk to your friends about the PEOPLE you're meeting, and since you're not really interested, they all lump into a gender-neutral group of fun and interesting people? You may notice a hot girl and that top accentuates her cleavage and you're going to have to try to replicate that, and that guy...yummy...but you don't make it a POINT to to exaggerate the MALES you are meeting and turning them into the main conversation focus.

 

There's something seriously wrong with being very exaggerated in his descriptions of all the women he's "hanging out" with, and then signing up and following their social media (but no men)..."but it just makes me appreciate you more, babe"...no...just no.

 

Your relationship is still very new and you have to deal with this trip and absence, so the momentum is getting lost, but I would tread very, very carefully with this guy. There's something going on with him under the surface, and maybe it turns out to be nothing, but maybe you're walking into a minefield. If you want to see this play out, be mindful and careful.

 

Yeah you are right. when I went to the party that night, there were hot men, one of them hit on me asked me out. but i didnt consider it. I am quite loyal person when I have feelings (even though we are not exclusive with this guy, I lost interest in other men for now). So when he asked me how was the party. I just said it was good, i had good time with fiends enjoyed the music. I didnt even mention any man or the man who hit on me. I said there is no point. I know myself, i am not doing anything to upset him, so its better i dont tell him and make him anxious or worry about things when he is on holiday.

 

But in turn he is telling me things like that.. the girls he meet etc, i found it weird too. thats why I am more aware now and more cautious. Thanks for opening my eyes.

 

plus - i kind of lost interest in him a little bit. Or maybe I am feeling much better now thats why. He is away, we cant communicate well or talk about anything proparly. lets see what happenes when he gets back.

[BrokenGator]

Yeah you are right. when I went to the party that night, there were hot men, one of them hit on me asked me out. but i didnt consider it. I am quite loyal person when I have feelings (even though we are not exclusive with this guy, I lost interest in other men for now). So when he asked me how was the party. I just said it was good, i had good time with fiends enjoyed the music. I didnt even mention any man or the man who hit on me. I said there is no point. I know myself, i am not doing anything to upset him, so its better i dont tell him and make him anxious or worry about things when he is on holiday.

 

But in turn he is telling me things like that.. the girls he meet etc, i found it weird too. thats why I am more aware now and more cautious. Thanks for opening my eyes.

 

plus - i kind of lost interest in him a little bit. Or maybe I am feeling much better now thats why. He is away, we cant communicate well or talk about anything proparly. lets see what happenes when he gets back.

 

Just to give you an idea. When I am interesting in a girl and I am dating her, I do not notice how hot other girls are... and I'm a guy. My mind is always focused on that one person who I care about.

[bluecastle]

It might be that he also has insecurities.

 

Not might. 100 percent. Because he is a human, just like you, and for whatever little nervy wobbles you're experiencing, there's the thing he (and, hopefully, you) know deep down: that you are singular, unique, awesome, and he's super lucky to even know you.

 

Early on it's really common for people to handle insecurities in this way—some clumsy peacocking posing as honesty. It's annoying. It's cute. It's whatever. I'm super guilty of this.

 

Anyhow, it's always freeing when you can isolate that stuff—like, oh, I'm feeling insecure and weird because he/she is feeling insecure and weird. Whatever happens, wherever you go, that's all that's going on here.

 

So take a breath, do you, stay curious, and all will sort out as its meant to.

[Wiseman2]

Is this the same guy? It seems you have chemistry and have gotten emotionally invested after 10 weeks of dating. You haven't had the exclusive talk, but you haven't had sex yet either. All you can do is slow down, relax, stop stressing yourself out and see how it goes when he gets back.

 

If you think he's some sort of player, then don't go further. If you think he's a casual dater, then don't get this involved. If you think you are incompatible regarding your marriage/family timetable then quit while you are ahead.

We are in our late 20s.

 

The only thing that put me off is he said he doesnt see himself marrying anytime soon, by soon i mean even in 3 years time. I want to get married no later than 3-4 years as I want to have kids by the time I am 35.

 

How can i make him consider opening up to someone and getting married?

[sensitivegirl0]

Is this the same guy? It seems you have chemistry and have gotten emotionally invested after 10 weeks of dating. You haven't had the exclusive talk, but you haven't had sex yet either. All you can do is slow down, relax, stop stressing yourself out and see how it goes when he gets back.

 

If you think he's some sort of player, then don't go further. If you think he's a casual dater, then don't get this involved. If you think you are incompatible regarding your marriage/family timetable then quit while you are ahead.

 

Yeah it's the same guy. I will figure it out. I realised that my gut feeling is always right so it will tell me everything.

 

Today he messaged, and at some point he said again big words, he doesnt knoww what future brings but he thinks we are meant to be together. Before he left, he told me couple of times he can see a future with me.

 

Btw regarding marriage, he told me until now he was thinking he will get married when he is around 35 but he didnt know he would meet someone like me.

 

But again, time will show.

[sensitivegirl0]

Not might. 100 percent. Because he is a human, just like you, and for whatever little nervy wobbles you're experiencing, there's the thing he (and, hopefully, you) know deep down: that you are singular, unique, awesome, and he's super lucky to even know you.

 

Early on it's really common for people to handle insecurities in this way—some clumsy peacocking posing as honesty. It's annoying. It's cute. It's whatever. I'm super guilty of this.

 

Anyhow, it's always freeing when you can isolate that stuff—like, oh, I'm feeling insecure and weird because he/she is feeling insecure and weird. Whatever happens, wherever you go, that's all that's going on here.

 

So take a breath, do you, stay curious, and all will sort out as its meant to.

 

thank you :)

[Annia]

How old are you two? Anyway, chill please and stop stalking his social media checking who follows or not.

[sensitivegirl0]

How old are you two? Anyway, chill please and stop stalking his social media checking who follows or not.

 

29 ad 27.

 

Yeah, after people's advices, I stopped checking it. Feels much better.

[Annia]

I don’t see this as “honest “ - honest would mean answering questions you might ask about his activities in an honest way. He is oversharing in my opinion. If he said no to the other girl why even tell you? It’s a nonissue. He’s being indirect. Instead of telling you or showing you “I want to be with you” he instead wants you to know a woman asked him out for drinks and what he said back. Makes him look more desirable I guess. And why does meeting people while he’s away make him have stronger feelings for you and what’s the point of sharing that ? Does he need to see what’s out there to appreciate you ? Please don’t mistake sharing personal information for the quality of “honesty “. Relationships require space and tact. For example when I was 8 months pregnant and wearing a ring a random man hit on me while my husband was waiting for me inside a movie theater. I didn’t tell him. Why? Because I didn’t want him to feel upset and I handled it appropriately and moved on. Had he asked me if something happened I would have told him. That’s what I mean. I would be concerned about this guy’s common sense and tact and decisions on what to share.

 

This. Why share that a woman hit on him? That's something you ignore and move on. Unless the woman turns into stalker or something, it's unnecessary and a tad immature sharing these stuff with your SO. It's like people who overshare about their past relationships. Yes you should be honest about your past but your SO doesn't need to know all the details of your past relationships. Also why would he be comparing people on his trip to you? He's supposed to be having fun and interacting with these people, not reassuring you. I'm not sure if he did so because he senses you're insecure and need reassurance or for any other reason or his own immaturity.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, well you mentioned you want marriage soon, in 3-4 years because you want kids by age 35. Yet he mentioned he doesn't see himself getting married "anytime soon" and certainly not within 3-4 years. He may be incompatible in his life goals and may be too young for you both in his carefree lifestyle as well as not needing or wanting to settle down. If you are ok with some casual dating then carry on, but he's not as interested in marriage and family soon.

29 and 27.

[sensitivegirl0]

Ok, well you mentioned you want marriage soon, in 3-4 years because you want kids by age 35. Yet he mentioned he doesn't see himself getting married "anytime soon" and certainly not within 3-4 years. He may be incompatible in his life goals and may be too young for you both in his carefree lifestyle as well as not needing or wanting to settle down. If you are ok with some casual dating then carry on, but he's not as interested in marriage and family soon.

 

He told me these on our first date.

 

He told me after that he can see a future with me. Also, a few weeks ago when we were talking about meteting each other mothers next month (thats when they will be visiting us), he told me until now he was thinking he will get married when he is around 35 (thats what he was saying to his mother) but he didnt know he would meet someone like me. and he is so happy about it.

 

We kissed after a month, he said he waited for teh right moment, also he didnt want to come off so strong and screw things up. Although he wanted to, he didnt try kissing me early on because he didnt want to give teh wrong impression (he is interested in sex only).

 

Our families know each other. thats why he is also careful about how he treats me (this is my opinion).

[Batya33]

He told me these on our first date.

 

He told me after that he can see a future with me. Also, a few weeks ago when we were talking about meteting each other mothers next month (thats when they will be visiting us), he told me until now he was thinking he will get married when he is around 35 (thats what he was saying to his mother) but he didnt know he would meet someone like me. and he is so happy about it.

 

We kissed after a month, he said he waited for teh right moment, also he didnt want to come off so strong and screw things up. Although he wanted to, he didnt try kissing me early on because he didnt want to give teh wrong impression (he is interested in sex only).

 

Our families know each other. thats why he is also careful about how he treats me (this is my opinion).

 

He acts like he doesn't trust himself and wants to shout from the rooftops what a great person he is (people with great qualities are often the most humble/reserved about their qualities, just sayin'). And someone who kisses on the first date isn't necessarily only interested in sex, please. It depends. He certainly might be overcompensating for what he sees as past mistakes but he needs for himself to find more of a balance. It's like the person who yells at his partner or child and compensates by being overly sweet/gushy/beating themselves up. I'd just keep an eye on things.

[Wiseman2]

Do you both live with your parents? How do your families know each other? Do all live in the same town/area? How important is it in your culture for extended family to get involved in your dating process and approving partners, etc?

 

Also is the purpose of dating in your culture usually purely for finding a spouse? Is that why all the talk about marriage, kids, timelines, etc. took place on the first date?

 

Ok then just stay in touch while he's away and resume your dating as usual when he returns.

we were talking about meeting each other mothers next month. Our families know each other.