Trust issues: Should I say anything to him or not?

[sensitivegirl0]

Do you both live with your parents? How do your families know each other? Do all live in the same town/area? How important is it in your culture for extended family to get involved in your dating process and approving partners, etc?

 

Also is the purpose of dating in your culture usually purely for finding a spouse? Is that why all the talk about marriage, kids, timelines, etc. took place on the first date?

 

Ok then just stay in touch while he's away and resume your dating as usual when he returns.

 

I live on my own, he lives with his brother. Our families are back home (abroad). They live in same town. My parents and brother are his step-father close friend for years. We were surprised to find it out. So his mother is so happy about us finding each other.

 

Its quite important for extended families to get involved approving partners. after certain age (25) they expect us to get married, they want grandchildren etc.

 

The purpose of dating in my culture is not always purely for finding a spouse. It used to be like that. but especially young poeple dont care about it much.

 

He told me that he doesnt want to be with someone that he cant see future with. but i never asked him whats his pupose of dating me.

 

my purpose of dating is not purely to find a spouse but if i like someone and start having feelings, obviously i want to work things out. I dont want to start developing feeligs for someone who is not right for me.

[Annia]

If it's cultural go on but I'd be careful with involving families so soon while you still have all these doubts and insecurities and before you have your relationship clearly sorted out. No matter what remember that you're the one who should choose with whom you want to marry (if the culture is not so restricted to the point of arranged marriage being the norm)

[Wiseman2]

Is he a bit less traditional than you (and your family) are? How did you you both come about living abroad away from your respective country/culture/families? Were you both students or moved for work? Is that how you met? Was having a similar cultural background, etc an important part of the attraction for you?

Our families are back home (abroad). They live in same town.

Its quite important for extended families to get involved approving partners. after certain age (25) they expect us to get married, they want grandchildren etc.

[sensitivegirl0]

Is he a bit less traditional than you (and your family) are? How did you you both come about living abroad away from your respective country/culture/families? Were you both students or moved for work? Is that how you met? Was having a similar cultural background, etc an important part of the attraction for you?

 

Our families are equally traditional. His mother is more traditional than my mother i think.

 

In terms of him and me, we are more or less the same i think. we are more open-minded than our families tho. He is ok with living together before getting married etc (our families are not) but i am not comfortable with the idea of living together with a man before engagement or marriage. I feel that i need to be more careful when it comes to things like this as a woman (i know it is - a cultural thing and - stupid).

 

I came to study long time ago, im working too. and he was living here when he was a kid, then he came back for work.

 

We met through facebook. I cant remember if it was me adding him or him adding me. He first asked me out 2 years ago but we couldnt do it that time, i wasnt in the right place so i didnt get back to him (we didnt talk after that at all until 3 month ago). He asked me again 3 months ago, thats how we started dating. and things started to develop from there. we talked every day, met every week, because our working times are not so good (he finishes work afternoon, i start work in the afternoon till late night) we met every weekend. sometimes he came to visit me at work during the week as a surprise. He listens to what i say. he got tickets for new year show because i said i love it (this wasa surprise too). he got me headphones because i said i lost mine and i was so upset (another surprise). we always have great time when we meet, we laugh so much. when we meet we spend at least 7 hours together and dont wanna go back home. every time we go to a place, we are like where next until we realise it 4-5 am in the morning, so we should head home. he supports me with my work stress. he helped me with work too and wants to help whenever i need it. So i think it is quite normal that i start developing feelings in 9 weeks.

 

He told me he never dated a girl from back home (like me). Not beause he didnt want to but he didnt meet anyone he liked. He thinks that that might be the reason why his previous relationships didnt work out.

[Batya33]

I think he is very conflicted about his culture and tradition and has been acting out because of it more like a teenager. So now he is overcompensating by confessing all his "sins" and there also might be a bit of convincing himself he's trying to do since you are a "nice girl" in his eyes and he's spent some time chasing after women his mother wouldn't approve of - so he's not as attracted to you because you're not forbidden fruit.

[sensitivegirl0]

I think he is very conflicted about his culture and tradition and has been acting out because of it more like a teenager. So now he is overcompensating by confessing all his "sins" and there also might be a bit of convincing himself he's trying to do since you are a "nice girl" in his eyes and he's spent some time chasing after women his mother wouldn't approve of - so he's not as attracted to you because you're not forbidden fruit.

 

Might be true, might be not. He told me that he doesnt care about what his parents think. he would be with someone he loves even if family doesnt approve (in terms of ethnicity, race). And he told me he had an english gf and his mother met her.

 

I know that his mother wants a girls from back home tho. he told me this. so he might be conflicted. we have chemistry, he said he finds me so attratcive, and everything i do he finds it so cute and adorable, but as you said it might also be that he is trying to be so nice to me because i am someone that his mother would like.

[Batya33]

Might be true, might be not. He told me that he doesnt care about what his parents think. he would be with someone he loves even if family doesnt approve (in terms of ethnicity, race). And he told me he had an english gf and his mother met her.

 

I know that his mother wants a girls from back home tho. he told me this. so he might be conflicted. we have chemistry, he said he finds me so attratcive, and everything i do he finds it so cute and adorable, but as you said it might also be that he is trying to be so nice to me because i am someone that his mother would like.

 

I didn't mean he is trying to be nice to you. I meant that he is trying to convince himself not to chase women who are not "wife material" as he defines it or as his parents define it but he still has this urge to act out his feelings of wanting to be more of a ladies man. So he is oversharing with you about how awesome he is for resisting temptation, etc.

[sensitivegirl0]

I didn't mean he is trying to be nice to you. I meant that he is trying to convince himself not to chase women who are not "wife material" as he defines it or as his parents define it but he still has this urge to act out his feelings of wanting to be more of a ladies man. So he is oversharing with you about how awesome he is for resisting temptation, etc.

 

oh i got it now. yeah this makes so much sense. this is probably what is happening on his side.