Need someones opinion

[SherrySher]

Maybe you should tell her all of this and explain it like you did here.

[Bobman]

Hey there, I see a lot of people telling you about what you did was wrong, but you obviously accepted that, sorry if I misread anything as I only very quickly read through everything, but from what it seems, you are actually in a good(ish) position, there are a few things you need to do, you need to change about yourself to ensure that you can keep her, you need to get her to forgive you, which sounds harder than it may actually be. I know exactly how you feel, and if you are 100% serious about getting her back, you just need to believe in yourself, watch a lot of the videos, learn the techniques, and bring the relationship back together, making you two closer than you ever have been before. I know a lot of people may tell you that No Contact will work, and it looks like it will work with your relationship, but, it won't fix the issues you have. Quick summary, watch the videos, 'man up', believe in yourself and go get her back, I believe you can do it, and if you believe you can too, then you will.

 

Good luck to you.

[Niel]

Maybe you should tell her all of this and explain it like you did here.

 

I think i already did. (at this point, a little bit unclear about everything said and not said), it has been a chaotic two months.

 

But I did write everything down in a letter, and she did acknowledge that I now understood how she felt.

 

Right now I am actively trying to not focus on any of this when talking to her, because she has exams and she doesnt need extra things on her mind.

 

I think after hearing everybody out in here, I will start therapy myself, and see how that goes. Perhaps invite her along after a few sessions. Then we can take it from there.

Deep down i just want her to be happy, regardless if that is with me as a friend or husband. But I am not ready yet to just let go and stop fighting for her.

[Niel]

Thank you very much for that, appreciate the concrete advice and encouraging words.

[SherrySher]

It sounds like she still loves you and is confused. That's a good thing, it means there might still be a chance.

 

To keep a woman like her, my advice is to keep reminding her that you never meant to hurt her like you did. Make sure she knows she's the only woman you want or ever will want.

 

Possibly in time you will both get past this, especially if you go through therapy together.

 

I hope it works out.

[Niel]

It sounds like she still loves you and is confused. That's a good thing, it means there might still be a chance.

 

To keep a woman like her, my advice is to keep reminding her that you never meant to hurt her like you did. Make sure she knows she's the only woman you want or ever will want.

 

Possibly in time you will both get past this, especially if you go through therapy together.

 

I hope it works out.

 

Appreciate your advice, comments and time. Thank you.

[SherrySher]

I am 100% against open relationships and cheating etc and find it abhorrent. But you've got me convinced that you didn't mean it and won't do it again or hurt her again.

 

I hope she sees it too.

[Hollyj]

You cheated! I would have been done with you, too.

[boltnrun]

Please tell us you're not trying to blame her for not making the "line" clear enough for you.

 

According to you, she told you it upset her, yet you chose to do it again. More than once. I guess whipping it out to ejaculate in front of strange women was more important to you than she was.

 

I would not continually remind her how sorry you are. Words are cheap.

 

Is this something you want to be able to do while married? Because if so, you need to marry a woman who doesn't mind. Not try to make excuses and continue to insist you did nothing wrong.

 

And please don't try to guilt her into going to your family Christmas. You will just have to try to find a way to explain her absence. Consequences, sir.

[Wiseman2]

You are living together as a couple and married and plan to stay that way for the next couple of years by mutual desire. So what is going on is real grown up marital conflict. You are not "broken up". That mindset in itself makes no sense and is ridiculous. What's going on is she's pissed and giving you the cold shoulder.

 

It doesn't matter what semantics are used as to what is cheating, just plain sleazy, etc. What matters is she was hurt by that action. Stop splitting hairs about "she thinks it's cheating, I think it's whacking off to porn", Who cares? What matters is she's upset and you need to rectify that.

 

But instead you decide to threaten divorce, move out, suggest "breaking up", stop trying altogether, tell her you would dump/divorce her without a second thought if you found someone else attractive, and just about everything you can think of to make matters worse.

 

Why is that? It seems you regret embarking on a residency-based sham marriage and now are trying to undermine it in any way you can think of. At the same time she's troubled, homesick, a fish out of water back in your country with your friends, family, people, culture. etc. Why do you think she'd rather spend Christmas with her Latin friends? Think about that.

 

It boggles the mind that two married people continuing to live as a couple keep saying they are "broken up" as if this is high school. If you both don't want the marriage except for sham purposes then just keep doing what you are doing.

-I would 100 percent break off things if i was attracted to someone else, or wanted to be with someone else.

-No matter what, i will stop trying to "win her back"

[lostandhurt]

Niel,

 

It sounds like you never had any boundary talks with her on what each of you consider disrespectful, over the line, harmful to the relationship right? I am not saying you should have specifically talked about jerking off to strangers on cam but if you would have had some talks along these lines you both would have known where each of you were coming from. Some see masturbating as cheating so there are all levels but you don't know until you talk about it.

 

In the end it doesn't matter how you viewed what you did, it matters how she views it. To her it is cheating. In her eyes if you truly lobed her you would have never done it, to you it was habit or boredom. It all comes down to individual feelings on the subject. If you cannot understand why she is so hurt you are doomed. It sounds like you will never do it again but only because she doesn't like it, not because you would never want to cause her pain. Character, honesty, truthfulness, trustworthiness, true love are what she thought she had with you.

 

You need to figure out why you thought it was okay to do this (you hid it right so you knew it wasn't cool) while being brutally honest with yourself. Then put yourself in her shoes. What do you think she is feeling? That she isn't enough for you? You don't like her body? She doesn't turn you on? You don't really love her? Give it some thought and then do some soul searching.

 

If this marriage does end at least you will have grown and learned so you never hurt anyone again.

 

Lost

[Mike1973]

After around 6 months in europe, she caught me having been to adult camsites like omegle and chatting (and masturbating) with strangers, and i told her that i had gone to them for sexual reasons but also because i felt a bit lonely (we lived in another country than my home country for the first year in europe, so we were both struggling to get a new social circle). this was partly true, but also because it was habit and i just did it because i was bored. There was some encounters with random people, i never showed my face or disclosed any details and i never saw someone more than once. My ex of course got very very upset and we had a very tough couple of weeks. I knew i had hurt her, but we kind of quickly made up and i kind of forgot it. I did it a few more times later, but not at all to the same degree, i mostly just stopped. (at this time i didnt know how she really felt about it)

 

 

So after 6 months of a passionate romance with the love of your life you felt the need to masturbate in front of other men on the internet? I think you have deeper issues than you realise.

[Wiseman2]

Good point. Were these random encounters and random people men?

So after 6 months of a passionate romance with the love of your life you felt the need to masturbate in front of other men on the internet? I think you have deeper issues than you realise.

[thisisrichey]

1. You have issues. You shouldnt' need somebody to tell you that having online sex is "off limits" to know it's not healthy or conducive to a relationship and coudl HURT the other person.

2. OF COURSE you guys have "trouble letting go" because you have NEVER LET GO! Sure you "break up" but you contineu to live together, make plans together, and do all the thigns couples do. It's just like saying, "hey! i have a hard time giving up chocolate" when you buy chocolate every day.

 

What you both NEED TO DO - is exactly what she said. Stop making plans together. STOP living together. STOP looking for new and larger places to live together and add more people.. STOP STOP STOP!

 

You both need to look for yoru OWN separate place!

You both need to stop doing things together..

You both need to stop speding time together (and each other's families).

You both need to end contact to allow yourselves to end the relationship and let the emotions pass (this will NEVER happen as long as you remain in constant contact daily and live together!)

 

This is not complicated at all. It's rather simple in fact.

[DancingFool]

1. You have issues. You shouldnt' need somebody to tell you that having online sex is "off limits" to know it's not healthy or conducive to a relationship and coudl HURT the other person.

2. OF COURSE you guys have "trouble letting go" because you have NEVER LET GO! Sure you "break up" but you contineu to live together, make plans together, and do all the thigns couples do. It's just like saying, "hey! i have a hard time giving up chocolate" when you buy chocolate every day.

 

What you both NEED TO DO - is exactly what she said. Stop making plans together. STOP living together. STOP looking for new and larger places to live together and add more people.. STOP STOP STOP!

 

You both need to look for yoru OWN separate place!

You both need to stop doing things together..

You both need to stop speding time together (and each other's families).

You both need to end contact to allow yourselves to end the relationship and let the emotions pass (this will NEVER happen as long as you remain in constant contact daily and live together!)

 

This is not complicated at all. It's rather simple in fact.

 

Richey, they are married. This isn't a simple case of breaking up even though the OP confusingly claims that they "broke up".