already arguing - should I run away?

[milly007]

To be honest, I can’t get over the text that she sent.

 

It would never occur to me to send a text like that in the first place, and expect the guy to hang around after he received it.

 

My mind’s blown.

[rykiel1]

I'm a little confused by what she wants. She said she wants a long term relationship but shuts down communication with someone who could be a potential partner. I understand that some people need a little more space and need to take things slower, but the way she's completely not cooperating with communicating with you is counterproductive. How are you supposed to get to know someone well enough to get serious with them if you're ignoring them for days on end??? She sounds confused and frankly like she doesn't care enough to put in the same effort as you. I'd leave now before it gets even messier.

[AleSommacal]

....Update after a week....

 

So, long story short, we had our fourth date. After our spat we decided to go out again, and everything went smoothly. She said she thought I thought we should text everyday - so in her view texting was becoming "a competition to whom texts first". I was "what the hell no, texting should be spontaneous, it's not about competing, it's about putting aside pride and putting first a person".

Not going to lie, we had good sex. She was all over me all the time.

To her surprise, we cuddled and talked for quite a long time after having sex (she had said to me she's not really the cuddling type). I reckon sexual attraction is high.

 

But this week everything started to repeat itself. On Monday and Tuesday I contacted her, Wednesday went by with no communication until the evening, when I called to resolve the issue. No confrontational talk, I only had some questions and my opinions... She did agree with me (texting should be spontaneous/we both should give something to the other/pride is dangerous/keeping in contact is important). I asserted my standards in a direct but gentle way. And there's nothing that could make me back off.

 

 

Guess what? Today is Saturday and she never reached out. I knew she's out of town for the weekend, but that doesn't stop her from sending me one message.

I'm not going to disrespect myself and text her.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've tried several times to put myself in her shoes. And I still can't see why she's doing this to me and to herself

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you both enjoy this dance of hot/cold and are both playing hard to get in an attempt to determine who has the bigger ego.

[Jibralta]

I still think you guys are a match made in heaven.

[AleSommacal]

I still think you guys are a match made in heaven.

 

I really don't know about this. It could be just physical attraction

[purplepaisley]

I'm not sure what she wants. There's a little game playing going on. She wants you to do all the reaching out. I would think after three/four dates where there is obvious mutual attraction, she could reach out to you first some of the time, but she's waiting on you to do it, 100% of the time, and I think that's a little backwards given she seems to have a high need for daily texting. Despite you saying you really like her, and you know her desires, you're intentionally avoiding texting her to see if she'll do it first...games. Don't get me wrong, I understand your wanting her to exhibit a little chase, exhibit she's really into you, by texting you and initiating with you a little, but intentionally pulling back like this knowing full well it will bother her is not a good route. When you're away on a trip was probably not the best time to "test" her communication either. I wouldn't want to text someone I barely know when they're on vacation. You also demonstrated how easily you'll disappear when there are other things to do. Not a good message. Granted, you reached out while away, and I'm glad you did, and I can't say I would have expected more when my new date were away for a week for business or vacation, and would be thrilled to hear from him.

 

Her initial text was rather mean and I think a bit blown out of proportion, and who knows if conflict will become more intense in time, more screaming, etc., especially when you're both playing these games and keeping score.

 

So my thoughts are a little all over the place. Texting styles seems to be a huge source of contention with relationships. :) My sister, new on the market was asking me about it...there are no answers. I do think both of you are doing this push-pull situation, and I don't know if you're compatible. I don't know if this girl is entitled, or she needs a guy to pursue the most and you're too busy being stubborn. Hard to say. There's a lot of anxiety, though, so I guess you can see where it goes. Don't let it go too long if there's this much conflict.

[AleSommacal]

intentionally pulling back like this knowing full well it will bother her is not a good route.

 

do you suggest me reaching out again in a calm, aloof way?

 

I mean, if I were to base our rapport on the 4 dates (and only on them), I would say the thing is going really well.

[purplepaisley]

do you suggest me to reach out again in a calm, aloof way?

 

I mean, if I were to base our rapport on the 4 dates (and only on them), I would say the thing is going really well.

 

Don't play aloof. If you're aloof about this relationship, it's probably not worth pursuing. Maybe you don't want to contact her while she's busy on her weekend, but it wouldn't hurt to shoot her a text and ask how her weekend went (is going) and you can't wait to hear about it or you missed her or something to that effect. If her reaction is to bite your head off for not contacting her on Saturday, then you need to think about if this relationship is worth it. You've already discussed not "keeping score" and expecting a little more from her, but the reality is, men are the chasers and women sometimes need that to know you're genuinely interested. Hopefully as time goes on, things will even out, but for now, to play this game with her and being aloof is not going to earn you any brownie points. If she's highly dramatic and expects you to do all the work, all the time, again, decide if this is what you want. I don't like feeling like I'm the only one putting out any effort, so I can certainly understand if you feel this way, so decide what direction you want to go.

[milly007]

I’m guessing she either isn’t as interested as you thought she was, or she’s playing hard to get and enjoys you chasing her.

 

I’d bet more so on the latter though, considering your original post, OP.

 

Your original post states that she sent you a text essentially saying that she isn’t going to chase you, therefore implying she wouldn’t be texting you first.

 

She wants you to reach out first - to chase her.

 

You have to determine whether this is something you can live with.

[boltnrun]

Check out Lex's 40 page thread about a very similar issue.

 

You need to decide if the great sex is worth putting yourself through this anxiety or annoyance.

[Wiseman2]

You seem too smart to have to use tricks, games, and pickup artist nonsense just to get laid. Certainly you could find women without playing all these games, no?

me reaching out again in a calm, aloof way?

[katrina1980]

Check out Lex's 40 page thread about a very similar issue.

 

You need to decide if the great sex is worth putting yourself through this anxiety or annoyance.

 

Agree.

 

OP it's sort of a trade off. You said the sex was HOT and that was because, at least in part, there is sooooo much tension between you two.

 

The tension adds to the hotness, the more tension, the more anxiety, the hotter the sex.

 

The thread mentioned above created by Lex, she is feeling an almost unbelievable amount of anxiety and tension, yet she stays.

 

My guess is because she's addicted to the sex, she may not admit but sex is very powerful and can really hook you in, especially when it's hot. Speaking from experience.

 

So decide.

 

Is all this tension and anxiety worth the hot sex?

 

By the way, men have said "psycho" girls make the hottest lovers, it's the same premise.

 

Tension and anxiety = super hot exciting sex!

[katrina1980]

^^Case in point.

 

With my long term ex (together six years, engaged), there was always a bit of distance in our relationship which I was cool with for the most part (I need my space too) but I was often on edge and felt anxious.

 

Because of this dynamic, the sex was always exciting, extremely passionate and hot, even after six years!

 

The sex was the glue that kept us together, from beginning to end. In retrospect it was not a stable relationship, although because of my past, it seemed "normal" to me.

 

With my current bf, I feel emotionally safe and rarely experience tension and anxiety.

 

Our sex is really good, but tbh not as hot and exciting as with my ex.

 

That's why I think it's a sort of trade off.

[Jellybean9]

So so true guys. Hot sex is not really worth all the anxiety.

 

I've been in a very happy and stable relationship where we had the most amazing sex life. Guess what... Never experienced anything ounce of anxiety.

 

So you can still get hot sex in your life without all the drama.

 

The drama is not worth it all!

[milly007]

Also, just want to add, I can’t see someone like her changing her ways any time soon.

 

Seems she likes when men chase her (and could form part of what attracts her to the guy that’s doing the chasing). Some women are just attracted more to men that chase and pursue.

 

She could step-up and initiate communication if you back off, OP; that’s if she feels you’re losing your interest.

 

But at the same time, I wouldn’t bet on this^. When it comes to some women like this, they’re way too prideful to initiate communication, even when they’re interested in the guy, so they’d rather risk losing someone than compromise their pride.

 

Just look back at your original post, OP. She wants you to chase/pursue her, and she considers the initiation of texts or any form of communication as part of the chase.

 

Pretty unfortunate if she is this way.

[AleSommacal]

Some women are just attracted more to men that chase and pursue.

 

When it comes to some women like this, they’re way too prideful to initiate communication, even when they’re interested in the guy, so they’d rather risk losing someone than compromise their pride.

 

So for some women is a question of "is this guy really into me?" and they let all the chasing part of the game to the man.

 

All in all, I think she's the woman I struggled the most with in such an early stage textingwise. And I'm starting to lose interest.

Texting is ruining relationships

[Wiseman2]

So true. The text games, as silly and trivial as they are, can bring down even the best dating situations.

And I'm starting to lose interest. Texting is ruining relationships

[AleSommacal]

Is all this tension and anxiety worth the hot sex?

 

no. I would rather be dating someone who makes me feel wanted as much as I make her feel wanted.

This is a one-sided situation I'm tired to chase

[milly007]

So for some women is a question of "is this guy really into me?" and they let all the chasing part of the game to the man.

 

All in all, I think she's the woman I struggled the most with in such an early stage textingwise. And I'm starting to lose interest.

Texting is ruining relationships

 

I don't think it's so much about "is this guy really into me?". She knows you're into her. Some women just like to be chased/pursued, and I get the impression she's like this based on what you've described so far.

 

I mean, in your initial post, you mentioned that you didn't hear from her for a few days when you went away. You even texted her on a Monday and didn't receive a response. Then, all of a sudden, on the Friday, she texts you the following message, "If you think you're the one to be chased, you're wrong. That is the first and last time".

 

She sounds extremely entitled and yes, expects you to chase - which includes initiating the communication.

 

Honestly, AleSommacal, I would never send a text like that to a guy, and if I did, there's no way in heck I'd expect him to respond nicely or even acknowledge it. If anything, I'd expect him to block and run away.

 

Texting can take a toll on relationships. But, it can also be great if you're exchanging messages with someone who communicates in the same way as you. If anything, I've sometimes found it can help build chemistry with the right person.

 

Texting is basically a blessing and a curse.

 

Can't blame you for losing interest. After that text she sent you in your original post, I must admit I'm surprised you lasted this long.

[boltnrun]

I don't think it's so much about "is this guy really into me?". She knows you're into her. Some women just like to be chased/pursued, and I get the impression she's like this based on what you've described so far.

 

I mean, in your initial post, you mentioned that you didn't hear from her for a few days when you went away. You even texted her on a Monday and didn't receive a response. Then, all of a sudden, on the Friday, she texts you the following message, "If you think you're the one to be chased, you're wrong. That is the first and last time".

 

She sounds extremely entitled and yes, expects you to chase - which includes initiating the communication.

 

Honestly, AleSommacal, I would never send a text like that to a guy, and if I did, there's no way in heck I'd expect him to respond nicely or even acknowledge it. If anything, I'd expect him to block and run away.

 

Texting can take a toll on relationships. But, it can also be great if you're exchanging messages with someone who communicates in the same way as you. If anything, I've sometimes found it can help build chemistry with the right person.

 

Texting is basically a blessing and a curse.

 

Can't blame you for losing interest. After that text she sent you in your original post, I must admit I'm surprised you lasted this long.

 

The hot sex. I guarantee.

[AleSommacal]

! FINAL UPDATE !

 

I couldn't bear the silence, so I broke it.

 

I straight up confronted her on her not reaching out for the past two weeks. She said she's not playing any game, she's currently busy (true but still a huge BS), and there is no particular reason she's not initiating. She concluded by saying she rarely contacts people first and lets them come to her because "it's just the way I am".

 

I don't like it. How much of an effort would be a "hey! what are you up to today?" text (or something like that) once or twice a week? Or a 10 minute call? Can somebody shed some light on this? For me, texting is an ordinary part of dating.

 

And again, if I rethink of our physical connection I'm drawn towards her like a magnet

[milly007]

The hot sex. I guarantee.

 

Yeah, I was thinking this as I posted and it appears you're correct!

 

No surprise there.

[milly007]

! FINAL UPDATE !

 

I couldn't bear the silence, so I broke it.

 

I straight up confronted her on her not reaching out for the past two weeks. She said she's not playing any game, she's currently busy (true but still a huge BS), and there is no particular reason she's not initiating. She concluded by saying she rarely contacts people first and lets them come to her because "it's just the way I am".

 

I don't like it. How much of an effort would be a "hey! what are you up to today?" text (or something like that) once or twice a week? Or a 10 minute call? Can somebody shed some light on this? For me, texting is an ordinary part of dating.

 

And again, if I rethink of our physical connection I'm drawn towards her like a magnet

 

Well at least you called her out.

 

Funny how she denied playing games, but then admits she expects other people to contact her first.

 

So not only does she sound entitled, but also high-maintenance. Good grief.

 

What's even scarier is that this is only the tip of the iceberg. I can't imagine what her other expectations will be - if she snaps her fingers, will she expect you to come running? To cater to her every need? I guess you'll find out soon enough.

 

I shouldn't generalize, but I suspect you're in for a few surprises if you do decide to ride out this wave. Sounds like she could be pretty demanding.

 

Sure, you're drawn to her like a magnet and the sex is great. Up to you whether the sex is enough, enough for now, or if this will be short-lived.

[katrina1980]

 

And again, if I rethink of our physical connection I'm drawn towards her like a magnet

 

I think you should consider that the reason you are so drawn to her is precisely because she's so difficult (and challenging).

 

You may not realize but those two things are related.

 

I can almost guarantee that if she were more "agreeable," more attentive to your needs, and you felt less uncertainty, frustration and anxiety, you would not be quite so drawn to her (like a magnet) as you are now.

 

It's all the tension, frustration, anxiety, that creates that feeling in you.