already arguing - should I run away?

[Jibralta]

You kinda sorta proved her point about having a fragile ego...

 

Not to mention the fact that he's spent 12 days and 8 pages arguing his point. I'm not sure if he's the one who should be running away....

[katrina1980]

 

I was trying to convey the message that the both of us should chase the other a bit.

 

I agree with this, and ideally that's what would happen. It happened that way in my RL, after the first three or so dates in which my bf pursued me, we both began pursuing each other. In different ways, but point is we were both into developing our RL together.

 

Not him putting forth all the effort, doing all the chasing, texting, etc, that hardly seems fair in this day and age.

 

It's called an equal give and take and reciprocating, and yes men need that reassurance as much as women.

 

I honestly don't care what nationality she is, from everything you have written about her OP, she sounds like a self-entitled princess, quite demanding and a bit of a drama queen.

 

Instead of analyzing her actions/non-actions, I think it might we wise to explore why it is you're so drawn to her.

 

If it's just the good sex, then own that and let that be what it is.

[Morello]

This is an interesting topic. Don't wanna hijack the topic but I'm going through something similar that might add to the discussion.

 

I've always abided by the 'rule' of both parties in the dating process being responsible for initiating contact and showing interest. And I think this is perhaps the most normal scenario.

 

However, I've been dating this woman for the last month, and except for one time, she has done 0 initiation. We went on 4 dates during this time. It was always me messaging her first, she would respond, I'd ask her on a date and when she's free, she'd give me options, I'd pick a time and place and she'd agree and sound happy with it. We have very little messaging in between dates, if any. The last date, we spent 4 days without any communication between setting the date and seeing each other at the date. She wouldn't initiate and I wouldn't either. When I arrived at the place, she even told me she was unsure if I'd show up lol.

 

On the other hand, the dates have been great, they're actually becoming better each time. We slept together once and in the last date she seemed to be even more affectionate, present and caring. She's slightly beginning to hint at the possibility of this becoming more serious in the future.

 

I'm actually enjoying my 'active' role to initiate, set the dates, choose the time and place. She always says yes and is pretty easy to please. She always sounds happy when I initiate and is clearly appreciating my efforts and the dates. She is slowly rewarding me by acting more couply, holding hands, etc.

 

I have to say I've been a bit confused by her behaviour but I see no reason to change anything at this point. Yeah, I'm used to a bit of validation, those early "thinking of you" or "how was your day" texts. But this time I have to say I'm enjoying how this is going. I obviously think that if we get serious, we will need to step up communication a bit. But we'll cross that bridge if and when we get there.

 

My usual mindset would make me believe she's just not interested for her lack of initiation. Maybe she is. Maybe she's not. Maybe it's just enough interest from her to go on dates but she's not feeling a true connection yet. To be honest, I don't care much. It's working well the way it is now, why change it? Why confront her and ask for her to initiate? Why sound bitter for not receiving any 'proofs' that she's into me by messaging? She's giving me all these proofs in person.

 

I think I have two options: I either stay in this situation or leave it. Trying to confront her and change her to act in a way I expect, is obviously not gonna work.

 

You seem to have the same two options as me. But I think you're already on the defensive and overthinking, and pretty much already defined a mindset that is unlikely to lead this to a healthy relationship. You either readjust your expectations or just leave her and find someone else.

 

There's no right or wrong. She has a certain way to date and you have yours. Anything you say or do that leads her to think you're unhappy with it will be the beginning of the demise of this. When one start wanting to change the other, it only goes downhill from there.

[milly007]

This is an interesting topic. Don't wanna hijack the topic but I'm going through something similar that might add to the discussion.

 

I've always abided by the 'rule' of both parties in the dating process being responsible for initiating contact and showing interest. And I think this is perhaps the most normal scenario.

 

However, I've been dating this woman for the last month, and except for one time, she has done 0 initiation. We went on 4 dates during this time. It was always me messaging her first, she would respond, I'd ask her on a date and when she's free, she'd give me options, I'd pick a time and place and she'd agree and sound happy with it. We have very little messaging in between dates, if any. The last date, we spent 4 days without any communication between setting the date and seeing each other at the date. She wouldn't initiate and I wouldn't either. When I arrived at the place, she even told me she was unsure if I'd show up lol.

 

On the other hand, the dates have been great, they're actually becoming better each time. We slept together once and in the last date she seemed to be even more affectionate, present and caring. She's slightly beginning to hint at the possibility of this becoming more serious in the future.

 

I'm actually enjoying my 'active' role to initiate, set the dates, choose the time and place. She always says yes and is pretty easy to please. She always sounds happy when I initiate and is clearly appreciating my efforts and the dates. She is slowly rewarding me by acting more couply, holding hands, etc.

 

I have to say I've been a bit confused by her behaviour but I see no reason to change anything at this point. Yeah, I'm used to a bit of validation, those early "thinking of you" or "how was your day" texts. But this time I have to say I'm enjoying how this is going. I obviously think that if we get serious, we will need to step up communication a bit. But we'll cross that bridge if and when we get there.

 

My usual mindset would make me believe she's just not interested for her lack of initiation. Maybe she is. Maybe she's not. Maybe it's just enough interest from her to go on dates but she's not feeling a true connection yet. To be honest, I don't care much. It's working well the way it is now, why change it? Why confront her and ask for her to initiate? Why sound bitter for not receiving any 'proofs' that she's into me by messaging? She's giving me all these proofs in person.

 

I think I have two options: I either stay in this situation or leave it. Trying to confront her and change her to act in a way I expect, is obviously not gonna work.

 

You seem to have the same two options as me. But I think you're already on the defensive and overthinking, and pretty much already defined a mindset that is unlikely to lead this to a healthy relationship. You either readjust your expectations or just leave her and find someone else.

 

There's no right or wrong. She has a certain way to date and you have yours. Anything you say or do that leads her to think you're unhappy with it will be the beginning of the demise of this. When one start wanting to change the other, it only goes downhill from there.

 

Great that you could chime in Morello, and provide the OP with the perspective of someone who’s going through a similar scenario.

 

I have to say though, I’m interested in knowing how you’d respond to his perceived date’s attitude?

 

I mean the things she’s said/texted...she sounds very entitled and spoiled, and not to mention demanding and inflexible. She practically told him he has to chase her.

 

Would you respond positively to someone like this?

[katrina1980]

Good post Morello and actually that is how it was with my bf for the first three dates.

 

I invited him to mine on the 4th, and from there we both contributed. He still did most of the texting and initiating dates but certainly not all. And I reciprocated in my own way.

 

Morello perhaps the woman you're dating will eventually start reciprocating as well, if not that's okay too if the dynamic works for you (and her) you're right, why change what works?

 

As long as she is responding positively to you and your pursuit, it all sounds good and positive.

 

That's not really what's happening with the OP and this girl though is it? There seems to be a lot of tension, not sure if it's cause of the OP or her, or perhaps it's both -- their energies just don't jive causing conflict.

[Morello]

 

I mean the things she’s said/texted...she sounds very entitled and spoiled, and not to mention demanding and inflexible. She practically told him he has to chase her.

 

Would you respond positively to someone like this?

 

No, frankly, I would not have liked to receive such a message from her. Especially given he had contacted her like 2 days before that. But I don't think confronting her would be the way to go either.

 

I think I would brushed it off, said I've been busy, and asked her on another date. Then on the date I'd try to feel her a bit and if needed, discuss it with her in person, if she brings it up. I think by chasing, she means that she wants him to set the dates, not necessarily that he needs to initiate contact all the time, I think.

 

Yes, she sounds entitled but this was also after he came up with the 50/50 rule which she doesn't seem to abide by. Even if you think the 50/50 rule should apply, you never tell someone that. You let them come to you when and if they want. If they don't, you just find someone else to date. I don't believe in rules for dating, people are different. But I believe in knowing what you need/want and leaving when you don't get that.

 

Katrina, I think it's all about consistency. Maybe he was chasing her in the beginning (asking on dates and initiating contact) and suddenly stopped or reduced, which probably prompted her to send that inappropriate message. Which then led him to answer also in a negative way. So it's really hard to know now where this stands.

 

In the end, it's all about how you're feeling. In my previous short term relationship, my date was bombarding me with messages and all being all lovey dovey but I still felt much more insecure with her than I feel now with this one who barely initiates. I think that's because we have been both very consistent from the beginning and none of us seemed to have played these games yet.

[AleSommacal]

You seem to have the same two options as me. But I think you're already on the defensive and overthinking, and pretty much already defined a mindset that is unlikely to lead this to a healthy relationship. You either readjust your expectations or just leave her and find someone else.

 

Thank you your response and for bringing your experience.

We are facing a similar situation and it's comforting to hear someone else's opinion.

I understand where you're coming from when you hope things will even out when she'll start having feelings for you.

 

As of the above quote, yes, I'm on the defensive because it's something unknown to me; however, I'm slowly readjusting my expectations. We've set up a mid-week date for tonight.

I guess I won't confront her anymore on that subject and just enjoy the moment.

[AleSommacal]

Not to mention the fact that he's spent 12 days and 8 pages arguing his point. I'm not sure if he's the one who should be running away....

 

12 days and 8 pages don't mean anything. Me and her have had one spat after that "it's the last time" text and one confrontation

[Sportster2005]

So, I was on 3 dates with this girl. A couple of kisses, hugs. I think she's very attractive, and though until now I've done most of the work (asking for dates, calling, texting first), she has never refused to text, go out or to be physically close (once or twice she went for the kiss). I can see her interest level is high, even though she's acting somewhat distant and detached. She told me she needs time to familiarize with new people and reveal her true self. We went over the topic of "what are you looking for right now?" and both agreed we're looking for a long term relationship.

I'm more of a hot-blooded type, but I tried to comply to her requests. So I pulled back a bit.

 

Problem: this week I was away from home from Monday to Friday (she knew it). On Monday morning I texted her. Tuesday went by without any communication. Wednesday I decided to text her again. On Thursday nothing. Today (Friday) she contacts me saying "if you think you're the one that is to be chased, you're wrong. That is the first and last time", when I was eagerly waiting all week for a call or a text from her. Really didn't expect that anger coming out so early. Any thought on this reaction?

 

Now, I told her I'm not going to be the chaser forever, relationships are made of 2 persons and my percentage for building our own relationship will be a 50%, nothing more nothing less. And I'm expecting her to contribute with her 50%.

Her reaction was childish. She basically argued that black is white, saying "everyone is entitled to their own opinion, everyone thinks differently and in a relationship somebody has to love the most".

 

I didn't like too her threating me to leave, if that happened again.

I really don't feel respected and appreciated.

 

Is this some kind of stupid test she's putting me to?

 

Yes you should run away.

 

You might also want to look at the role you played in this, and look at the dynamics. Perhaps you can improve and/or work on hot-blooded. Only if you think that might be a problem. If you love and embrace your hot-blooded nature, carry on.