Love / Hate

[Antelope]

Hi Forum,

 

I'm 29, M

Employed in the IT sector

 

My partner is 20, F

Currently looking for work

 

Big age gap I know,

 

I'm kind of reaching out here because I haven't got many other places to turn at the moment. Just an outlet for I feel I've got nowhere to express.

 

I entered a relationship with my partner just over a year ago. It's the first serious relationship I've ever had.

 

Before we started dating, I was happy. I've always been happy alone, never wanted to rush into a relationship. My friends were enough to keep me going socially, I was always looking for "the one" the one romantic partner who accepts me for who I am, stands beside me with my decisions, and trusts me. Nothing more, no skills, just someone I find attractive and finds comfort in my company, literally it.

 

My standards are low in a typical sense, hate that if you will, I just want a good looking, kind person, who accepts me for being me and doesn't try to change me.

 

We met at a volleyball game. She was interested in keeping fit and staying healthy, she seemed really intelligent, she could play the Piano like a boss, on our first date we played chess and then climbed a hill and looked at the stars together instead of taking her straight home (one of my inner-bucket-list entries). We carried on dating until it slowly turned into a relationship.

 

At this point, she adored me, and worshipped the ground I walked on, which worried me really, as I never felt like I could live up to this person she thought I was. I was always doing new things with her, always trying to show her pieces of my life I thought were cool. I play a little guitar, strum a few chords play a couple songs, I'm into anime/manga/movies, I love a bit of DIY, love fixing things, I took her to nice restaurants I liked, took her to a theme park, just anything I could.

 

Then we moved in together. It felt odd to drive home every day rather than staying round at hers, with little to no reason for the travel. So she would come with me, and I'd go with her, and really, we'd never be apart aside from work.

 

She would always give me these eyes whenever I said I wanted to hang out with my friends, and say "well I don't want to go, take me back to mine first", and over time I've become more distant to them. With the lack of contact from my side, it's now much harder to build these relationships back up. I feel genuinely awkward ringing my best friend to hang out, because it seems desperate now, fancy that, I used to chill with him every night last year.

 

And now she's drifted away. The compliments have turned to "your breath smells like ", and "you look weird without your beard, change it". "Yeah I don't think the ear-piercing looks good on you, I was wrong". She would have "off days" each month at the start where she'd go quiet, stare at me with this blank look, and just be a completely different person, take my hands off her, and say "no" "just go do whatever you want" to everything, a complete lack of love. These changed to every so often, and now it's every second day. These are the worst, because it's just this ing loveless stare.

 

It's like I've entered a relationship, where she gradually stole my soul, made me see a future together, and THEN she changes into a different person. The "testing" I was happy to pass at the beginning, I don't want to anymore, I'm done with it. She's obsessed with me becoming a better person, but doesn't realize that in my eyes, testing me, judging me, being disappointed when I don't some of these pass these tests, is what is putting me entirely off to her, and ironically, it's why I'm not passing them. Like would I want to be with a person who judges me one year into our relationship. "You should have fought with your brother to let you stay in his house unattended" NO I shouldn't have, it's his house and he can do whatever he likes, it's my right to dislike it, but not to force him to let me stay.

 

I just want a calm life with enough money to enjoy trips. My job is good enough and I'm saving for a future. I don't have an aspiration to be or to create something great, I want to consume all the world has to offer and die knowing I experienced it all. She on the other hand is self-proclaimed suicidal (even with me) and cried that she wants to be a different person. I cannot console this, I cannot comfort this, because she does not respect me, and she does not believe me when I talk to her.

 

I'm a talker, I communicate, I want to know exactly why she's feeling like she is. I believe with good communication patience and understanding, even to aggressive people, the world would be a better place. She's never given me anything though, just looks dead inside, walks to another room, and reads a book, acts like I'm a nuisance when I bring up anything that is affecting me. I gave her some advice once, and she ignored it, then she came back to me telling me the exact same advice was insightful and clairvoyant when it came from her father.

 

I'm confident even if I fail all her tests, I'm a man even if I don't conform to her definition of what a real man is. I can't stay in a relationship where I feel like a wet rag.

 

Guides online suggest acting like I care less, talking less, involving her less, gaming her into respecting/loving me again, but it wouldn't be me so what's the point.

 

Everything screams break up with her, is there a better way? I want to return her to how things were at their peak.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, it's time to break up.

 

She has issues you cannot resolve. and it's not fair to you (or her) to stay in a relationship with so many incompatibilities. If you fear she will hurt herself, you need to contact emergency services and her family.

[Jibralta]

How long have you been together?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you rushed in and the infatuation and rosy glow has faded. It seems you spent way to much time together and over-saturated this ...basically getting sick of each other.

 

Moving in together way too soon accelerated this. Get to know someone first. The good, the bad and the ugly. Allow for things to settle before moving in together after just a few months. Don't be joined at the hip. Maintain your own life as before.

I entered a relationship with my partner just over a year ago.

Then we moved in together.

The compliments have turned to "your breath smells like "

[ThatwasThen]

You moved her in too soon. You've only been together just over a year and you moved her in during the honeymoon period which is never a good idea because you can't see the warts through the rose coloured glasses.

 

Everything screams break up with her, is there a better way? I want to return her to how things were at their peak.

That is never going to happen as long as she isn't getting help for her depression.

You will never achieve that honeymoon period again. Period. However; with couples counseling and her in therapy for her depression, you may at least regain the emotional connection you once had and learn to respect and love one another maturely.

 

Frankly, after one year only together and you seeing the real her, I'd be exiting stage left, hopefully learn from the relationship and then putting myself out there again and get to actually know someone before moving in with them.

 

Really make an effort to reconnect with your friends and never distance yourself from them over a romantic connection again. Most friends understand the initial stage of lust and infatuation and will give you a break for ignoring them during that time but to continue on ignoring makes it harder to understand. I hope they will welcome you back or at least have a drink with you so you can explain your temporary 'insanity' to them.

 

Good luck!

[DanZee]

She on the other hand is self-proclaimed suicidal (even with me) and cried that she wants to be a different person.

 

Are you saying she's suffering from depression? Maybe she needs to see a doctor. You're making all of this about you. What she's doing to you. What she's saying to you. But if she's threatening suicide and she's moping around the house, and everything is negative, whereas before she was chipper and upbeat, you might be looking at a case of bipolar disease or borderline personality disorder. A lot of these issues come to a head in young women around 20 years old.

 

And you seem to have a case of low self-confidence and self-esteem. You might need counselling too.

 

So I would suggest before you end the relationship that you get her some psychological help maybe for the two of you.

[Hollyj]

You moved in too quickly. You are not compatible.

 

If she is suicidal, then she needs help. "She on the other hand is self-proclaimed suicidal (even with me) and cried that she wants to be a different person. I cannot console this, I cannot comfort this, because she does not respect me," You're feelings on this are terrible. It is all about you. I think you are too selfish to be in a relationship.

 

End it!

[Batya33]

You moved in too quickly. You are not compatible.

 

If she is suicidal, then she needs help. "She on the other hand is self-proclaimed suicidal (even with me) and cried that she wants to be a different person. I cannot console this, I cannot comfort this, because she does not respect me," You're feelings on this are terrible. It is all about you. I think you are too selfish to be in a relationship.

 

End it!

 

End it but please make sure you find professional resources for her since she has talked about suicide.

[catfeeder]

I'd tell this woman that the next time she speaks the s-word, I'm phoning the police to deal with her, and I'm not kidding.

 

And I wouldn't be kidding.

 

I'd pay whatever it takes to break my lease and move back to the life you loved before this.

[gman572]

I am sorry to hear of the challenges in your relationship. I have both friends and family members that have 10 to 12 year age gaps and while they have been able to make their relationships work it can be difficult with the age difference. It is extremely concerning to hear of your partner being suicidal. I would strongly encourage you to find a way to reach out to her to get help (medical and counseling). In the relationships that I know of that have big age gaps, I have seen communication as crucial. It is good to hear you believe in good communication, patience and understanding as these will be essential if you are able to make this relationship work. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your partner hoping you will seek outside help and lean into good communication, patience and understanding as you journey through these difficult days.