This is rude, right?

[Wiseman2]

Is he mentally abusive?

due to his past family life where he does hgave prorms with low esteem and anger.

[Hithere1]

I think he can be. More of a manipulator. Every problem I bring up seems to be my fault somehow. He is always working harder, etc. He definitely likes the one up game.

[Hollyj]

Maybe, you should seek another therapist.

 

Have any of the problems improved? How long have you been married? Can you give other examples of his behavior?

[Hollyj]

If you suspect he's deflecting and is just really miffed about not getting a warm goodbye, then why not approach him warmly about it? Why not be the better person and see his outburst as a weakness on his part, because he feels neglected and simply misses you?

 

You sound like you just want to "up" one another, win the upper hand by not being home tonight to "top" his remark about being home whenever he gets home. That doesn't sound very loving. If you love him, why not try to get rid of this resentment you've built and extend your hand instead of insisting on your right to be angry? He might not catch on immediately, but I guarantee he'll repay the favor by being more loving with you in return.

 

Why reward someone that is acting like an azzhole on a regular basis, that is enabling the behavior. They should both be respectful.

 

Why do you stay with him?

[Hithere1]

I don't want to enable this behavior. That's why I asked what to do. He normally doesn't text me like that and quite frankly, I won't stand for it. We've been married for 6 years together for 14 . Counseling did help but it got to a point where he needed to work on his own stuff-history of bad family stuff. He cycles back and forth between being a jerk, man period stuff and not. It's not all bad. Seriously though, asking someone yo pick up after themselves shouldn't result in that text message. I did apologize for my nagging about the rice and he said "sorry" for his End, but then he says he's doing too much. Im sorry, what? Going to work? I am at home with our baby 24 7, I put her to sleep, do night time checks clean the house, take care of all our pets, clean up after everyone. Be can pick up his effing rice, that I made.

[itsallgrand]

Did you fight like this before you became a stay at home mom?

[Hithere1]

We've had arguments before about him helping out.

[BecxyRex]

Why reward someone that is acting like an azzhole on a regular basis, that is enabling the behavior. They should both be respectful.

 

Why do you stay with him?

 

I'm not sure battling each other is the answer. I didn't get the sense the husband is simply being an a-hole all the time for the sake of it. I feel like there's more to OP's behavior that might trigger him as well. Mutual resentment at this point that more fighting in my opinion won't solve, but more understanding.

[BecxyRex]

I don't want to enable this behavior. That's why I asked what to do. He normally doesn't text me like that and quite frankly, I won't stand for it. We've been married for 6 years together for 14 . Counseling did help but it got to a point where he needed to work on his own stuff-history of bad family stuff. He cycles back and forth between being a jerk, man period stuff and not. It's not all bad. Seriously though, asking someone yo pick up after themselves shouldn't result in that text message. I did apologize for my nagging about the rice and he said "sorry" for his End, but then he says he's doing too much. Im sorry, what? Going to work? I am at home with our baby 24 7, I put her to sleep, do night time checks clean the house, take care of all our pets, clean up after everyone. Be can pick up his effing rice, that I made.

 

This is exactly what I'm talking about. He doesn't sound like an abuser to me, but someone who is overwhelmed. You are overwhelmed as well, OP, I get it. I'm a mother too and both my fiance and I work full time. It gets tough and there are times where I feel like "I do more" and I'm sure he feels the same.

 

He works full time and you completely disregard the stress that comes with that. You are the only who has the right to be overwhelmed? I get being home with kids is hard work, I absolutely do. But now that I'm back full time at work I completely understand how friggin tough that is as well. You won't get anywhere positive with this attitude in my opinion. You shouldn't have nagged about the rice in that moment and he shouldn't have sent a snappy text in return. Now what? You both were stressed and messed up and instead of insisting on who's right or wrong why not come together with understanding?

[Hithere1]

That makes total sense. Thank you.

[Hollyj]

I'm not sure battling each other is the answer. I didn't get the sense the husband is simply being an a-hole all the time for the sake of it. I feel like there's more to OP's behavior that might trigger him as well. Mutual resentment at this point that more fighting in my opinion won't solve, but more understanding.

 

I agree, but she said he always deflects. It is impossible to stay in this type of situation, when one never takes responsibility. It is highly manipulative and crazy making.

[Capricorn3]

Kinda sounds like he was implying you should have been making his lunch and putting the dishes away. Maybe there's some hidden resentment and he feels you should be doing more as he's going to work.

 

I mean, if what he wrote was accurate, I'd say it's no more rude than the behavior of yours he described.

 

And, honestly, and I say this as the person by and large most capable and responsible for keeping the place sanitary in my marriage, your breadwinner is making his own lunch before work and you'd rather take the time to police him before he's even embarked rather than invest the 10 seconds spraying down the sink and emptying the strainer? I could understand maybe if he'd left his sandwich crust on the counter while he watches college ball on a Saturday afternoon, but in this situation, that is next level petty.

 

Pick crappy battles and you'll get crappy arguments.

 

I second the above. Me thinks there's a lot more going on and he's not a happy camper. Time to get down to the truth of what is really going on in the marriage.

[catfeeder]

You may want to consider phoning your local hospital for a referral to resources that can help you manage your stress and your workload. This could mean hiring a cleaning service while you take some time out with your baby, or childcare while you take some time to yourself or work a part time job or engage in something else you would enjoy.

 

There is no one-size-fits-all solution, but coming out sideways on husband buys you nothing but an equal reaction. Consider whether you want to adopt an adversarial position in your marriage, or worse, 'parent' your husband through his daily life, or whether you'll want to consider yourself on the same side in partnership and learn how negotiate to get your needs met.

 

Negotiating involves offering something of value to husband in exchange for something of value to you. Successful couples do this all the time rather than building resentments about what they're not getting. I realize that same could be said to husband, but he's not the one posting. If this were my marriage, I'd consider whether I can be the one who will step up to be sane enough for both of 'us' and do whatever it takes to de-escalate the tension.

[Hithere1]

Thank you all for the advice. We were able to have a talk this weekend.

[itsallgrand]

What happened during the talk?

[nutbrownhare]

but then he says he's doing too much. Im sorry, what? Going to work?

 

If he thinks he's doing too much, rather than dismissing it - ask him what he means, which aspects of his life are feeling like "too much" and ask if there's anything you can do about it. There may not be, of course, (respect to all the strains and stresses of having a young kid and a house to manage when you're really tired yourself), but sometimes people just need to feel heard and appreciated; ask him about this when you're feeling OK in yourself otherwise it's likely to go pear-shaped.

 

His message to you was passive-aggressive and unhelpful; but then so is your plan to be out of the house when you're expecting him back. Especially punitive as he was upset with you for not giving him a hug. There are far more constructive ways of communicating than those expressed in this thread - on both sides. If you can see yourselves as being in an alliance against all the **** that is just part of living, as opposed to being adversaries in a no-win cycle of accusation, rebuttal ect yak and blah, you'll both be much happier.

[Hithere1]

I totally agree.