Bringing her home.... Anxious

[Michael 93]

What's going on all..

 

Just after a little bit of advice really.

 

So I've been seeing this girl for a little while, things were going well, eventually she pushed for exclusivity, I felt she was worthy and well here we are, been with her now for around a month 'Officially'

 

Here's the rub, she hasn't been to my place yet (I live with my mum currently) saving for deposit etc.. I have always spent a lot of time at her place with her family, pretty much lived there at some points.

 

We have always been very open about our 'Dream House' and what kind of things we would like etc, she does seem quite materialistic, and a lot of her previous partners have lived in big pads, parents were very well off etc, she lives in a 3 bed- nice house etc

 

 

She's started to push on the:

"When am I going to start coming round yours and being with your family babe etc etc"

 

This is the problem, I live in a 2 bed council flat with just me and my Mom - she isn't aware of this fact yet, but evidently - she is going too soon enough.

 

As much as it isn't a DJ trait- I am quite insecure about this aspect of my life - I am pretty sure it will not be an issue at all with this girl but there's always the inklin of what if she judges me on it? Especially since she has had the guys with the pools - island kitchens etc etc

 

Other girls have been back but my IL was always low with these, so I didn't really care what they thought, however, with this one, its different.

 

How do I approach this? Is it worth me speaking with her about it before hand and revealing why she hasn't been back yet?

 

Cheers!

MT

[Wiseman2]

Does she live with her parents also? Do you both work/go to school? It's going pretty fast after 4 weeks of dating. Since she has invited you over this much and is now asking questions, perhaps it's time to invite her over.

 

It would best best to get that out of the way before she thinks you're lying about something like a gf. Don't be embarrassed about your situation. Invite her for dinner and she either will judge you...or not. Also consider slowing things down a bit so you're not virtually camping out at her place.

-been with her now for around a month

-she hasn't been to my place yet. I live in a 2 bed council flat with just me and my Mom

-I have always spent a lot of time at her place with her family, pretty much lived there at some points.

-she lives in a 3 bed- nice house.

[Michael 93]

Does she live with her parents also? Do you both work/go to school? It's going pretty fast after 4 weeks of dating. Since she has invited you over this much and is now asking questions, perhaps it's time to invite her over.

 

It would best best to get that out of the way before she thinks you're lying about something like a gf. Don't be embarrassed about your situation. Invite her for dinner and she either will judge you...or not. Also consider slowing things down a bit so you're not virtually camping out at her place.

 

 

 

Ahh my apologies for not clarifying this...

 

Have been seeing each other for a number of months but only recently around the 4 week mark- become exclusive.

 

She does live with her parents yes, we are both around the same age - me 25 her 23.

 

No way am I ashamed of where I live, we have a nice home, however compared to her modes house and also those that she has previously been out with, I am a little insecure about the situation.

 

However, I do agree that if she doesn't come over soon, she will start to suspect..

[nutbrownhare]

If she judges you on the size of your Mum's house - she ain't the girl for you!

 

I come from a very deprived background - a council house in what was then a poor area of London. My Dad was an alcoholic ex-convict and one of my brothers has convictions for manslaughter and armed robbery; these are things I bring up early in relationships because if the other person can't cope with that, they won't be able to cope with ME. It has never once been a problem. Not once.

 

When we were teenagers, my sister brought home a new boyfriend. He came from a very, very wealthy family with a huge house with grounds, and we had this council house. The house next door was derelict and boarded up. She'd already told him that our place was 'nothing grand', but when they arrived in our street - she took him down the front garden path of the derelict house and told him that was where we lived. He didn't turn a hair; indeed, he admired the plywood curtains and the range of weeds growing outside. (Forty years later, they're still married!).

 

So, if anything, use this as a test. If she looks down on you because of your background, that's something to get out of the way as soon as possible.

[Michael 93]

If she judges you on the size of your Mum's house - she ain't the girl for you!

 

I come from a very deprived background - a council house in what was then a poor area of London. My Dad was an alcoholic ex-convict and one of my brothers has convictions for manslaughter and armed robbery; these are things I bring up early in relationships because if the other person can't cope with that, they won't be able to cope with ME. It has never once been a problem. Not once.

 

When we were teenagers, my sister brought home a new boyfriend. He came from a very, very wealthy family with a huge house with grounds, and we had this council house. The house next door was derelict and boarded up. She'd already told him that our place was 'nothing grand', but when they arrived in our street - she took him down the front garden path of the derelict house and told him that was where we lived. He didn't turn a hair; indeed, he admired the plywood curtains and the range of weeds growing outside. (Forty years later, they're still married!).

 

So, if anything, use this as a test. If she looks down on you because of your background, that's something to get out of the way as soon as possible.

 

 

 

Thanks a lot!

Its nice to know I'm not the only one who suffers with these insecurities... I agree, I can look at it as a test of character, I'm fairly confident she will have no issues with it, however, because of how I feel about her, it causes me more concern than usual.

 

Thanks again, how would you advise I approach the conversation?

 

I don't want to come across as insecure, but I would like to rectify this as soon as possible.

 

Mike

[Wiseman2]

You don't need a conversation. You need to invite her over. That solves all the problems at one. Her asking about it. Her seeing your living situation. Whether it makes a difference to her or not. Any preamble you give will work against you. Stop avoiding it and don't come across as insecure or ashamed of your situation. Simply ask her to dinner. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I don't want to come across as insecure, but I would like to rectify this as soon as possible.

[nutbrownhare]

You don't need a conversation. You need to invite her over. That solves all the problems at one. Her asking about it. Her seeing your living situation. Whether it makes a difference to her or not. Any preamble you give will work against you. Stop avoiding it and don't come across as insecure or ashamed of your situation. Simply ask her to dinner. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

 

This ^^^. You have a nice home, and that's something to be proud of. Her previous partners may have had large, flashy pads - but they're exes. I very much doubt there will be a problem, unless she is an entitled little madam more interested in property than you - and if that's the case then you need to know about it sooner rather than later. Also, fantasising about what you would like in your dream home is nothing more than that - a fantasy - and not a judgment on anything else.

 

Its nice to know I'm not the only one who suffers with these insecurities...

 

It's not an insecurity. It's part of who I am, and part of the reason that I'm pretty unshockable and resilient these days. I feel I have nothing to be ashamed of, and you CERTAINLY don't!

[itsallgrand]

You are both living at home- equal playing field. The homes you live in right now reflect your parents and has nothing to do with either one of you.

 

I agree with inviting her over and let her judge or not.

[Annia]

I can understand the insecurity. I was insecure to bring this guy to my house and I live alone now. In my case it's more because I miss some furniture and other stuff home that I need to buy slowly because I don't have all that money now, so my house is a bit empty and only has the basic. I even have insecurities in bringing friends home because I never feel my apartment is good enough. But these are just insecurities. In your case you both live with parents and are in a relationship. If your living situation is a subject of judging to her then she's not the right person for you.

[Jellybean9]

I understand this so much. I grew up in a council home.

 

I have people to this day judge my accent. Mainly my manager as I sound "common".

 

Like you I'm not ashamed of where I grew up and where I was from. I'm very proud of it accent and all.

 

But I had friends with the fancy homes. And would get a little anxious when inviting them to my home which was lovely and homely just not flash. Guess what... They loved my home and would even start to ask to come over.

 

I think that an issue we have in our own head which is not and issue what so ever.

 

She clearly really likes you and comfortable with you with her own family. So she will feel so honoured to meet your mum and be a part of your home too.

 

Good luck x

[nutbrownhare]

They loved my home and would even start to ask to come over.

 

Yep, there's a lot to be said for lovely, homely and a relaxing place to be in - far more important than a showy place where you're scared to sit down cos you'll make the place look untidy!

[Michael 93]

You guys are awesome!

 

Thanks a lot for your words of advice and support, I've invited her over before we go out on Sunday.

 

Will have the conversation before this day but wont make a big deal out of it just sort of drop it in so she is aware...

 

its just me and my Mom and i am quite protective of who i allow to come into my home. I'm sure everything will be ok.

 

Like most of you have said if she does have an issue surrounding my circumstances then we will have to deal with that as and when.

[Jellybean9]

Yep, there's a lot to be said for lovely, homely and a relaxing place to be in - far more important than a showy place where you're scared to sit down cos you'll make the place look untidy!

 

Exactly. Amount of times I've been to houses that you're afraid to crumple the cushion or get fingerprints anywhere!

 

Also your previous post is so right! I too have certain things I disclose similar to you. It's a test as to whether or not the person is right for you in your life. If they stick around then it proves they are.

 

Your sister's story is testiment to that.

 

That's why it's better the OP takes her over sooner rather than later.

 

Fingers crossed it turns out like your sister's story.

[Jellybean9]

You guys are awesome!

 

Thanks a lot for your words of advice and support, I've invited her over before we go out on Sunday.

 

Will have the conversation before this day but wont make a big deal out of it just sort of drop it in so she is aware...

 

its just me and my Mom and i am quite protective of who i allow to come into my home. I'm sure everything will be ok.

 

Like most of you have said if she does have an issue surrounding my circumstances then we will have to deal with that as and when.

 

Very curious as to what you will day?

 

Sorry just being nosy now.

 

But honestly good luck with it all.

 

It's just all in our heads that little insecurity. Other people outside of it won't bat an eyelid.

[SherrySher]

Don't ever be ashamed of where you come from. If you're proud of your home and proud of your family, then hold your head high. If you ever cross paths with someone who might determine your value based on money or wealth, then they are not the person/people for you.

 

If this girl cares for you how she should, she will be grateful and happy that you allowed her to be a apart of your home. It will be a positive experience.

 

However, if she, for what ever reason, reacts how you had hoped she wouldn't, then she isn't the right girl for you.

 

Money, materialistic things, titles, bank accounts, who you know, etc. None of it truly matters. None of it will make a person worthy or a good person. Those who base the value on people depending on these things, are missing the whole point of life and will never understand what matters the most.

 

Honesty, morals, compassion, a good heart, being kind, being responsible, empathy, etc. These are the things that make a person worthwhile.

 

You sound like you have a lovely home. I hope she appreciates it as much as she should and that it turns out well.

[tattoobunnie]

I've dated several millionaires, and married a poor guy who was living with his mom.

 

If money was the only thing she looks for, she wouldn't be dating you. Don't sweat it. The right person will love you thick and thin.

 

But what you should do out of respect, clean top to bottom at your place! Have yummy food and beverages for the visit.

[abitbroken]

How can it be that you are exclusive already and she does not know that you live with your mother? To me, that's the "getting to know you stage" of dating - you end up finding out what kind of family eachother comes from (stuff like: Any brothers and sisters? Big extended family? Generally happy childhood? Divorced family? Only child? Family that gets together a lot? Family that is estranged?). Its just generic factual info.

[Jibralta]

As much as it isn't a DJ trait

 

What is a DJ trait?

[boltnrun]

What is a DJ trait?

 

I also scratched my head at this:

"Other girls have been back but my IL was always low with these,"

 

I think that stands for "interest level"??

 

Please use full words, OP, we don't know what you mean by these initials.

[Jibralta]

I figured the same about interest level. But I had to think about it.