Should I help out my ex with money?

[hayley286]

This is a bit complicated so bear with me.

 

When I met my now ex-boyfriend at the beginning of this year I was aware that he had intentions on going on a working holiday to Canada at the end of this year (live in Australia). We had a whirlwind relationship, fell madly in love and he asked me to join him.

 

We started planning, bought flights, found a job, bought insurance and paid for a shared room in a house that would be $700/ month each.

 

4 days ago now, 10 days before we are due to leave, I talk and we both agree things haven't been great between us and I would rather end things now and not go to Canada, than break up over there and be all alone in a foreign country. I know that I will not get what I have spent back, but money is the last thing on my mind - I still have so much love for him and am grieving the end of what I thought was the love of my life. I'm not handling the break up too well right now but we ended things amicably, with him still planning on going to Canada.

 

Now he has messaged me letting me know he has spoken to the landlord who cannot do anything about cutting the price of the room for him, and he has had trouble finding another place to live and time is running out. To go to Canada I quit my job and am currently unemployed (from a job I hated anyway) and am living with my parents rent free. I still care for him so much and I don't want him to struggle. He hasn't asked for money and never will but the first months and last month has been paid by me already, which I am fine with not getting back. So we have both paid for the rent for the month of November and the month of April, leaving 4 months of rent unpaid. I cannot afford $700/month, but is it stupid if I offered to pay half of that rent for the time even though I am not there? Just to make him paying $1400/month a little easier if staying in this room is the only option? So give him $350/month so that he only has to pay $1050 himself?

 

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, my mind is spinning but any help would be appreciated!!

[Hollyj]

Hmmmm. Kinda crappy of you to do this to him. Why didn't you do this sooner?

 

Why can't he find a roommate? I would not pay four months worth of rent.

[BettyBee]

That's a lot of money for someone with no job, and you're out of pocket enough anyway...

Personally, I wouldn't pay...

He might be able to find somewhere else cheaper if he keeps looking hard enough.

It really shouldn't be your problem anymore.

You say he hasn't asked for money, but to me, it sounds like just having that conversation with you about the landlord was basically him asking for money without being direct.

There has to be someone else in Canada looking for a room mate?

[hayley286]

To be honest, if anything he kind of broke up with me. We'd had a chat the week before the breakup chat and he said that he was feeling distant and unsure of us but I said it must be the stress of the move and let's take it one day at a time. The following week was distant and awful between us as wellwhich is why I had to have the talk with him 4 days ago. He said he'd been feeling distant from me for a while now and he felt we had lost the spark

[hayley286]

It's a double bed and the landlord said she wouldn't be willing to have a mattress on the floor

[Hollyj]

To be honest, if anything he kind of broke up with me. We'd had a chat the week before the breakup chat and he said that he was feeling distant and unsure of us but I said it must be the stress of the move and let's take it one day at a time. The following week was distant and awful between us as wellwhich is why I had to have the talk with him 4 days ago. He said he'd been feeling distant from me for a while now and he felt we had lost the spark

 

Then don't pay.

[DanZee]

Then don't pay.

 

I agree. He was basically telling you not to come with him.

 

Also, are you saying the rent is $1400 a month for a room? I checked the rates for Toronto and the average room is going for $700. Was the landlord charging $700 per person? Seems like a lot of money.

[hayley286]

It's at Big White Ski Resort so accommodation is scarce and they can get away with charging a lot

[Capricorn3]

To be honest, if anything he kind of broke up with me. We'd had a chat the week before the breakup chat and he said that he was feeling distant and unsure of us but I said it must be the stress of the move and let's take it one day at a time. The following week was distant and awful between us as wellwhich is why I had to have the talk with him 4 days ago. He said he'd been feeling distant from me for a while now and he felt we had lost the spark

Then don't pay. I have no doubt he'll be able to find another roommate. There are loads of Aussie backpackers going to Canada for working holidays.

[melancholy123]

Dont pay. He can find a roomie, put an ad online or in many other places and he will find someone. Dont be guilt tripped into giving him money. I live in Canada, that's BS there arent any roomies.

[DanZee]

It's at Big White Ski Resort so accommodation is scarce and they can get away with charging a lot

 

Wow! There's a lot of people on Craigslist looking for rooms in Kelowna, but there aren't any listed for rent. I doubt he wants to sleep in a double bed with another guy! But I still think that he was hinting about breaking up with you and you don't owe him anything. If he can afford to eat, he'll at least have the experience of being in a ski resort for ski season!

[Clio]

He initiated the break up, therefore, you don't owe him anything. Sounds like you are subconsciously trying to stay on his good side to keep the door open for the possibility of a reconciliation down the line i.e. your mind is bargaining. Being a doormat doesn't work though. You have paid for 2 months. He does have time to make alternative arrangements and in any case, it's not any of your concern anymore.

[hayley286]

I think you're right and I needed to hear this...thank you

[Wiseman2]

He's a grown man. Let him figure out this move and job. Do not give him money. He wanted to do this so let him find a roommate, work a bunch of jobs, eat ramen noodles, whatever.

 

Do not try to buy his love back, especially since he was ready and willing to leave you behind, except if you tag along and pay a lot of his expenses. And now dumped you after you paid for stuff. He sounds like a scammer. In fact ask him for a refund. He dumped you and that was his plan all along.

Now he has messaged me letting me know he has spoken to the landlord who cannot do anything about cutting the price of the room for him, and he has had trouble finding another place to live and time is running out. the first months and last month has been paid by me already, which I am fine with not getting back.

[tattoobunnie]

Don't be his mommy.

 

Paying for love won't make him love him back.

 

He can figure it out.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work, and he just became complacent.

[DancingFool]

He pretty much dumped you last minute. Not only should you not be paying anything toward his rent, but he should return the deposits you already paid. Him calling you like this and essentially hinting that you should help him out.....wow...what a user.

 

I'm sorry OP, but beware of whirlwind romances. They invariably end up badly. No matter how tempting to get swept up in all that and how fun that is, try to keep at least one toe firmly on the ground and be more cautious about moving/living/future financial commitments when you barely know the person.

[thisisrichey]

you owe him onthing. dont pay his bills. don't offer to help. that's the price of breaking up.

[thisisrichey]

dont' pay his bills. if he insists on staying there - that's his responsibility.

you can break the contract and split the "expenses" from doing so and both move on. if he wants to do anythign else, that's on him, not you.

[HeartGoesOn]

According to your recent thread, you stated that he's not sure if he sees a future with you. Having said that, why would you sink to the level of bailing him out...so to speak?

 

Respect yourself.