Major Issues

[Capricorn3]

Sorry, but what does NC mean? Yes, the counselor is aware of everything. The main question she asked me was, "what if your husband is still here to stay for many years to come?" To which, I'm unable to give a response to. I'll try to look for another counselor or something. Yes, I'm aware that being too close with that friend of mine is a mistake to begin with. I did not expect things to turn out this way because we actually didn't get along as well in the past. There is no excuse for this. I'm ashamed.

NC means no contact. That's probably the very first thing you need to do to sort out this mess. Drop the guy and go full no contact, no phoning, no email, no meeting, no talking. No Contact. He has no business in your marriage right now. You need your full focus to be on your husband AND your child. They both need you now more than ever. If you feel you can't cope then you get the help and support you need from cancer support groups and therapists/counsellors, NOT affairs.

[Honeycomb8]

This is a very ice cold approach you're taking. Please stop this, it's devastating and cruel. You don't seem particularly guilty at all?

[limichelle]

OP

You have to admit that everything you’re feeling which does sound horrible emotionally. Your husband is going through something one hundred times worse!

 

Why do you need this new friend instead of being there for your husband? This is not love you have for your husband. This is you taking his situation and projecting it on you as in woe is me.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you are going about it in the worst way!

 

Instead of seeing that he’s still alive you’re taking for granted the seconds on the clock! Those precious moments to have with him.

 

I say ditch the friend and live out the remaining days with your husband. Because your husband should come first!

 

Not allowing yourself to get close to him is only making things that much harder and worse!

[annie24]

I’ve been married for 8 years, with a toddler son. Almost a year ago, my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and we lost all hope. We both planned for the worst, especially me. Since that point of time, I started to create an invisible barrier to deter myself from getting too close to him to prepare myself for the worst without him knowing it. Currently, his medical condition is confusing and nobody is able to predict anything for us. About half a year ago, when I was at the most depressed stage, I led a miserable life daily until a close male friend started to support and encourage me.

 

He was the reason I stood up again, and soon after we both started developing feelings for each other. He’s single, I’m not. We still chat daily as much as possible and share our feelings. He is not from the same country as me, but we’ve met up even recently and we’ve had good times together (nothing sexual). I don't know what I/we should do. We really like each other, but I cannot let him be the reason for my divorce. I've not been close to my husband ever since the depressing news broke me. I cannot leave my husband because of responsibilities and the state he's in. And I cannot let my child suffer alone. I'm at a complete loss.

 

My friend does not press me for anything nor does he expect to be more than just friends. Since he has helped me out of my shadows, he has consistently provided me with good advises towards my husband and also, autistic son. I’m tired in and out being the sole caregiver for both of them. I am aware that I'm still cheating although there's nothing sexual between my friend and I. When I met my friend recently, he even gave me a friendly hug and told me never to give up on my situation or my marriage. He said he will always be there for me. That really touched me and made me cry. He's my only strong pillar of support so I do not think I can cut off all ties with him. He's the only one there for me when I feel like I cannot carry on my life anymore. He lent me his listening ears when no one else could understand. He provided me with comfort when no one else could. He cheered me up when others could not. During the period when I was in severe depression, my husband noticed it and he actually told me that we should consider a divorce because he does not want to see me being broken everyday. What he said shocked me. And I teared because I am really broken inside. However, we managed to brush it aside.

 

I have spoken to a regular counselor but I guess it didn’t help much because in the end, only I can help myself. I do not think I can see a marriage counselor without letting my husband know and I also do not want to let him know about it or it might affect his health even more. I think I would have given up on everything by now should my friend not have come along. I'm really just so tired of everything. I'm unable to revert my feelings back to before for my husband. I'm afraid of being close to him again. So very afraid.

 

This is a really hard time for you and your family. I am really sorry. Did the doctors tell your husband how much time he has left? Is he getting chemo or palliative care? I'm glad you are going to a regular counselor and it might be good for you to go to a cancer spouse's support group. I totally understand why you are distancing yourself from your husband as a mental defense. It's not easy trying to raise a toddler and losing your husband to cancer at the same time, so I understand why you're sort of coming up with this "backup plan." It sounds like your friend is waiting for your husband to pass. It's just a bad situation all around. My dad died of cancer when I was a child and my mom was there for him every minute. It was painful to see. She eventually remarried, but 10 years later. From a child's perspective, I would help your husband use this time to help create lasting memories for his toddler son. Record your husband telling funny stories about his childhood and teenage years, transcribe letters, whatever. Do things that will help your son when he is older figure out who his dad was. I am sure that he would treasure these records.

[JCSK]

When my partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer he almost did the same thing to me but in reverse. The more ill he became, the more he detached. He wouldn't say 'I love you too' when I told him how much I loved him and he distanced himself from me emotionally. He was a very empathetic man and dealt with his condition with such bravery. I knew what he was doing and even told him so once. He was trying to limit my grief, by almost winding down our relationship so I wouldn't be so grief stricken when the time came. It didn't work and it left me incredibly lost and bewildered in an already heartbreaking situation. That said, I never left him, cheated or encouraged/sought any detachment to ease the grieving process. It wouldn't have worked anyway and it won't work for you. I bathed him, nursed him and did everything I could to make his last months easier and more comfortable. I'm glad I did this for him and it means that many years later, I can enjoy my new relationship, guilt free and knowing I did all I could for the love of my life at that time. The guilt from detaching yourself from your husband at such a crucial time will only compound your grief, not alleviate it. And if, God willing, he pulls through and makes a full recovery, you can reexamine your relationship when the time is right. Flowerchild is right, you say those vows almost for this very reason, to know your love won't bail on you when life gets tough. I didn't even makes these with my partner but I still stuck to the sentiment to the very end.

[Jennifer2018]

First I would like to say that I am sorry for what your husband is going through. You said this has been going on for a year and a half.. which makes me wonder if he is stable at the moment..

I am in a parallel situation, and everyone here had a similar reaction... so I am going to try to be a little less harsh.

First: Your husband is going thru a lot mentally (and possibly physically). Please talk to him. Dont abandon him in his time of need. you need to try to be happier for him. He has enough to go through... just fake it if you have to.

As long as you are not being inappropriate with the friend, I dont think its a problem to have someone to talk to about what you are going through. You should talk to a friend, especially if they are helping to cheer you up. You should NOT be meeting with the guy.

Continue getting counseling, and try to get some support for both of you together.

I dont know if there is a way to send private messages here.. but Id like to talk to you more, since we have a great deal in common.

[nutbrownhare]

If someone's in a terrible, conflicted state then pointing out that someone else is worse off isn't terribly helpful, so I'm not going to judge the OP.

 

There are several issues here... firstly, the terminal illness itself. It would have been better if you had faced it together in all its pain and rawness, along with the implications for the future; not least the practicalities for the rest of the family. Is there any scope for this now - really being there for your husband? It's not unusual to try to escape from situations which are overwhelmingly painful by switching off to them and just not letting the feelings through - which is what the distancing seems to be about. It would also be a human reaction to be angry with him (in the same sort of way that the healthy response to bereavement is to be angry with the person who has died), and there are ways of dealing with this which would support you emotionally without needing to take it out on your husband.

 

You were vulnerable to the attentions of another man because you were alone and isolated in your situation. If you were to join a cancer support group, with people who could really understand your predicament, that would help to break the isolation. If you can really take care of yourself in a positive way then you would have far more to give your husband. You have been chastised on this thread for being 'selfish', but paradoxically if you are feeling supported in an appropriate way it would enable you to be far more emotionally present yourself.

 

Having the emotional affair with this other guy is likely to lead to a whole pile of problems, and you need to detach yourself. Firstly, if you're highly dependent on only one source of emotional support, this is not a healthy start to a relationship even at the best of times. Having this dreadful situation isn't, either. You need to explore and find for yourself a proper support network to see you through looking to care for your family for the foreseeable future, not developing another relationship.

 

Then, at some unspecified time in the future when your poor husband has passed, you have had time to grieve and move on, and you can rekindle a relationship with the other man - this is something to be looked at. Then you can potentially begin a new relationship which isn't founded on guilt, pain and grief and at a time when you're broken emotionally.

 

But it won't be happening any time soon.

 

(((HUGS)))