Boyfriend and cell phones

[SherrySher]

It sounds more like a parent/child dynamic going on. He's being the father and you the child with him telling you to act properly.

 

He shouldn't have to discipline you nor should you be needing discipline.

 

I imagine it will get worse as time goes by, after all, what could you possibly have in common to sit and talk about for hours?

[journeynow]

When we're in the car driving I will look at my phone, check social media, reddit etc. at night before bed. He says thats time we can be talking so I agreed I would be on it less.

 

I literally spent the whole day with him and when we go in the house I sat down and looked at reddit. He immediately said why do I always have to be on my phone. I didnt touch it during our meal or during the car ride. Im reading the news and such.

 

For the bolded part above you could substitute a few things from different generations, and it might still have the same response. For example:

-pick up a book and start reading

-pick up a newspaper

-turn on the TV

-turn on the radio

 

These all involve turning attention away from the person you are with.

 

The OP (who hasn't been back to the thread?) says they literally spent the whole day together. However, maybe it was the timing, when they are alone instead of in public?

[Starlight925]

I agree, Katrina, it's all about being a good fit.

 

I see couples at restaurants both looking at cell phones the entire time, and while I'd never want that, if it works for them, so be it.

 

And yes, it used to be that one person would look at the newspaper, ignoring the other, or both looking at the newspaper, ignoring each other.

 

I just think that this doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, or that it's a universal "not a fit", coming down with a gavel. He's clearly stated that he doesn't like this, and if she can acquiesce, I bet that would make him happy, and they can enjoy each other's company.

 

When one partner clearly states something they don't like (in this case, relatively small), it's up to the partner to dig their heels in and say "no way, sorry, gonna pull my phone out anyway", or "ok, cool, he's a great guy in so many ways, I'll keep it off". The former makes her a single girl again, while the latter can help them move through to a deeper relationship.

[katrina1980]

 

I literally spent the whole day with him and when we go in the house I sat down and looked at reddit. He immediately said why do I always have to be on my phone.

 

I didnt touch it during our meal **or during the car ride**. Im reading the news and such.

 

 

Thnx for posting journey, it prompted me to go back and read the original post.

 

Wondering how this thread morphed into her being on her phone during car drives, but the above quote kinda puts things in a different perspective imo.

[katrina1980]

Agree again LHG, which OP had done after her bf expressed frustration, unhappiness with her phone behavior.

 

However, apparently he does not want her on her phone *at all* which I think is wrong.

 

It can't and should not be all about what "he" wants.

 

Frankly the more I think about this, agree with DanZee, he sounds a bit like a controlling arse.

 

 

 

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[Starlight925]

OP has not returned, but I do not have enough information to call him controlling, or that he doesn't want her to be on her phone "at all".

 

It may be his perception, based on the times they are driving. Or it may just be him saying hey, when we're together, can we limit it?

 

We don't know that he's making demands vs. requests.

 

We also don't know his side of the story.

 

What we do know is that she uses it while he's driving, and he's clearly stated that he doesn't like that. It warrants a discussion between the two of them, but to call him a controlling arse is, from one very small post by the OP, a bit harsh.

[itsallgrand]

I'm curious what the ages are here. It does sound like a father daughter quibble.

"You kids and your damn phones!"

"I wasn't on it when we out to dinner!".

[Starlight925]

I'm curious what the ages are here. It does sound like a father daughter quibble.

"You kids are your damn phones!"

"I wasn't on it when we out to dinner!".

 

Eh, notsomuch. I have 60 year-old friends who pull out their phones all the time. My 83 year-old mother is a technology freak.

 

This is about manners.

[itsallgrand]

Eh, notsomuch. I have 60 year-old friends who pull out their phones all the time. My 83 year-old mother is a technology freak.

 

This is about manners.

 

I know, I know. I meant how they are relating to each other about it.

[katrina1980]

 

When we're in the car driving I will look at my phone, check social media, reddit etc. at night before bed.

 

He says thats time we can be talking *so I agreed I would be on it less.*

 

I literally spent the whole day with him and when we go in the house I sat down and looked at reddit. He immediately said why do I always have to be on my phone. I didnt touch it during our meal or during the car ride. Im reading the news and such.

 

 

I am a bit confused by your post LHG (31), from what's quoted above she has "limited" her phone use after he complained. Sounds like she has compromised but he has not.

 

But you are right, we are only hearing her side and don't have enough info to deem him controlling or anything else at this point.

 

From what we do have it *seems* like he *might* be but yeah agree we need more info and context.

[katrina1980]

My 83 year-old mother is a technology freak.

 

 

That's so cool about your mom!! Wow, 83 good for her!

 

OP said 26 year age gap, I'm not one to judge age gaps but that is quite a large gap.

[Batya33]

I agree, Katrina, it's all about being a good fit.

 

I see couples at restaurants both looking at cell phones the entire time, and while I'd never want that, if it works for them, so be it.

 

And yes, it used to be that one person would look at the newspaper, ignoring the other, or both looking at the newspaper, ignoring each other.

 

I just think that this doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, or that it's a universal "not a fit", coming down with a gavel. He's clearly stated that he doesn't like this, and if she can acquiesce, I bet that would make him happy, and they can enjoy each other's company.

 

When one partner clearly states something they don't like (in this case, relatively small), it's up to the partner to dig their heels in and say "no way, sorry, gonna pull my phone out anyway", or "ok, cool, he's a great guy in so many ways, I'll keep it off". The former makes her a single girl again, while the latter can help them move through to a deeper relationship.

 

I disagree. Looking at a newspaper is different - often couples will then be more inclined to share what they are reading as opposed to being engrossed in a phone screen. When I am with my son I notice that if we're on a bus and I'm reading a magazine in my lap it's experienced much differently than if i am on my phone - and I feel the same way the other way - and I don't take snapshots of how couples relate in public (or families) - because it's just a snapshot.

[katrina1980]

 

Looking at a newspaper is different - often couples will then be more inclined to share what they are reading as opposed to being engrossed in a phone screen.

 

 

Agree but in this day and age, that is how many of us read the news, on our phone or computer screens. I can't even remember the last time I read a newspaper.

 

OP said that is what she was doing on her phone-- reading the news.

[Batya33]

Agree but in this day and age, that is how many of us read the news, on our phone or computer screens. I can't even remember the last time I read a newspaper.

 

OP said that is what she was doing on her phone-- reading the news.

 

Yes and being on a phone is a lot more isolating than reading a newspaper or magazine. I see many people reading and writing on paper in coffee shops and while commuting. I do, too. I think her boyfriend overreacted because he had seen her in the recent past engrossed in her phone while they were together one on one.

[katrina1980]

Yes and being on a phone is a lot more isolating than reading a newspaper or magazine. I see many people reading and writing on paper in coffee shops and while commuting. I do, too. I think her boyfriend overreacted because he had seen her in the recent past engrossed in her phone while they were together one on one.

 

Curious to know why you believe being engrossed reading from your phone is more isolating than being engrossed reading a newspaper or an actual book.

 

I recall while growing up, my dad literally tuned everyone out on Sunday mornings while reading the Sunday Times.

 

"Dad" "DAD" "DAD!!!" was pretty typical. Lol

 

I read books on my iPad now and damn I am super engrossed!! Don't talk to me!! Lol

 

Can you clarify B, a bit confused by your response.

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[figureitout23]

Maybe because a book it’s you and your imagination.

 

With social media it’s you and well the rest of the world.

 

I also think sitting quietly and reading a book is different than sitting quietly and chatting with your friends and responding to dudes sliding into your DMs 😂

[Starlight925]

Agree re: the newspaper vs. the cell phone. Both can be equally isolating. Both can be equally sharing. One can look at a cute video on their phone, and show it to the other person, just as one can share a newspaper article. Likewise, both can be items that can cause compartmentalized concentration to the point of forgetting that there are others around.

 

My 15 year-old niece was with me recently, and I jokingly, but seriously, said, while I'm driving, that we have a "no selfie/no Snap/no phone at all" policy while Aunt LHGirl is driving. We kept it up as a joke for the weekend, and she totally got it. I told her I wanted to talk to her, not to her friends on WhatsApp, and I also took her to play games/a movie/ice cream/shopping. I now say to her, "What's our driving policy when Aunt LHGirl is driving?" and she says "No selfie zone!!" with a smile.

 

Yes, OP said she's limited her use. I do wish she'd come back to discuss this more, as we are now 4 pages into this deep-dive discussion, and all we have from her are a few lines.

[Starlight925]

Maybe because a book it’s you and your imagination.

 

With social media it’s you and well the rest of the world.

 

I also think sitting quietly and reading a book is different than sitting quietly and chatting with your friends and responding to dudes sliding into your DMs 😂

 

Oh my gosh, I do think that's a huge part of it, that I hadn't thought of.

 

With SM, it's you and the rest of the world. So it becomes like a room full of people, but you are just the bystander, watching your partner engage with everyone else at a party. That makes so much sense.

[katrina1980]

Agree about social media, but there is a ton one can do on their phone other than social media.

 

Read news, books, watch movies, articles on Internet, music videos and a ton of other stuff, that is what I was referring to.

 

I am not a huge fan of social media except for business purposes -- Pinterest for example. Heck, I am not even on FB anymore.

 

OP said the night her bf got upset, after spending the entire day together including car ride OFF her phone, he got mad when she checked the news when they get home.

 

I dunno, I find that a bit over the top and frankly unreasonable. JMO.

[katrina1980]

Yeah it would be nice if she returned, OP you still reading?

 

Maybe she left because her bf got mad at her for reading ENA! lol

.

[Batya33]

Agree about social media, but there is a ton one can do on their phone other than social media.

 

Read news, books, watch movies, articles on Internet, music videos and a ton of other stuff, that is what I was referring to.

 

I am not a huge fan of social media except for business purposes -- Pinterest for example. Heck, I am not even on FB anymore.

 

OP said the night her bf got upset, after spending the entire day together including car ride OFF her phone, he got mad when she checked the news when they get home.

 

I dunno, I find that a bit over the top and frankly unreasonable. JMO.

 

Definitely and I understand why it would be an overreaction against the backdrop of her past behavior. A strange "last straw". For example when I am out for lunch with a friend my phone stays in my purse. I only look if I think it has to do with my son if he is at school,etc. Others do take out their phones and glance at it. I don't like it unless it's during the workday and it's a good reason. To each her own.

[ThatwasThen]

Your boyfriend sounds controlling. What else is he doing? Are you having arguments? Do you have anything in common? Does he treat you like a kid? Think about it. There may be other issues in your relationship than just your cell phone use.

He does not, IMO sound controlling. He sounds like he's tired of being ignored.

 

... and she sounds juvenile in her ability to communicate or at the very least, bored when around him.

 

Bottomline... (In my "old lady opinion ) There is no reason why, OP can't just put her phone away when they are together and interact with her partner. There are plenty of times throughout the day when one's partner is not around that cell phones can be open.

 

The least she can do as his partner is be present when they are together.

[itsallgrand]

He does not, IMO sound controlling. He sounds like he's tired of being ignored.

 

... and she sounds juvenile in her ability to communicate or at the very least, bored when around him.

 

Bottomline... (In my "old lady opinion ) There is no reason why, OP can't just put her phone away when they are together and interact with her partner. There are plenty of times throughout the day when one's partner is not around that cell phones can be open.

 

The least she can do as his partner is be present when they are together.

 

This is closest to my thoughts on it too.

 

I get going on your phone here and there when on dates for work or even a few personal texts sent out. Here and there.

She's on dates checking the news, Reddit , and general time passers. Not important.

It sends the message she's bored and can't be bothered to be present.

 

You really shouldn't even need to ask someone to not do that during dinners etc unless it's already at a 'last straw ' point.

[katrina1980]

This is closest to my thoughts on it too.

 

I get going on your phone here and there when on dates for work or even a few personal texts sent out. Here and there.

She's on dates checking the news, Reddit , and general time passers. Not important.

It sends the message she's bored and can't be bothered to be present.

 

You really shouldn't even need to ask someone to not do that during dinners etc unless it's already at a 'last straw ' point.

 

Is that what she was doing though? I read it completely differently.

 

She posted after they talked, she dialed it back. Spent the entire day with him, including driving, OFF her phone.

 

Checked it (the news) when they returned home, and he got pissed.

 

Again I think that his response was reasonable, they shouldn't be joined at the hip every single second while they're together, should they?

 

And one could argue you can still be "present" with your partner but not talking and doing other things. Or just silently. I am with my boyfriend.

 

But who knows, I wish the OP would return and clarify what's happening.

[Batya33]

Is that what she was doing though? I read it completely differently.

 

She posted after they talked, she dialed it back. Spent the entire day with him, including driving, OFF her phone.

 

Checked it (the news) when they returned home, and he got pissed.

 

Again I think that his response was reasonable, they shouldn't be joined at the hip every single second while they're together, should they?

 

And one could argue you can still be "present" with your partner but not talking and doing other things. Or just silently. I am with my boyfriend.

 

But who knows, I wish the OP would return and clarify what's happening.

 

What she posted was, right before she limited her time on the phone:

 

When we're in the car driving I will look at my phone, check social media, reddit etc. at night before bed. He says thats time we can be talking so I agreed I would be on it less.

 

He's entitled to get concerned that she's back to her old ways - and yes he overreacted that one time and I understand why